Premier League Round Up (Aug 13-14 2022)

[tlw content]

A bit different to last week in that our lads couldn’t ruin the weekend because they didn’t play until Monday night, so at least I got to fully enjoy the latest United shitshow. I’ll start with that because it was clearly the biggest story of the weekend. Not because they lost, but because they got utterly humiliated. 

 

I fully expected Brentford to beat them because they way United are currently I struggle to see them winning away to win anybody. I’m choosing my words carefully there and deliberately emphasised the word ‘away’ because we go to Old Trafford next week and I’m not having any of you fuckers blame me if something goes wrong. There’ll be no jinxing from me.

 

So yeah, let’s disregard their home form for now and focus on how they are on their travels. They’ve lost seven away games on the spin now, which is as a piece of evidence proving why the Covid season shouldn’t count is as compelling as anything you’ll find. They went through that entire season unbeaten away, but now look at them since real footy returned. It’s like the reverse of our home record. Unbeatable with fans, lost to all kinds of fucking deadbeats when the stadium was empty. 

 

United have been wretched since the crowds came back, even though most of the players are the same as that jarg season when they finished second. It’s fascinating seeing how everything is unraveling with them now. Every week it’s a new crisis, and the great thing about this weekend’s bumming by Brentford is that I’m absolutely convinced that wasn’t rock bottom. They’ll have worse days than that, which is almost unthinkable really in the context of just how fucking bad Saturday was for them.

 

They were wearing a fucking horrible lime green away kit. I don’t ever remember seeing them wearing a kit like that before, which is quite apt as I don’t ever remember them being this embarrassingly shit before either.

 

Da Silva struck the first blow with a low shot that De Gea fumbled into his own net. Stuff like that is inexplicable. He was one of the best in the world a few years ago but he fell off a cliff, Joe Hart style. There’s no physical reason for it to happen so you just wonder what causes it. Initially I put it down to him just not being arsed any more, but De Gea actually seems like he might be one of the few United players who does give a fuck. He’s just shite now, the werewolf looking twat. Always got a…. howler… in him. See what I did there? Gold that is.

 

It’s hard to actually do justice to how shit United were in that first half. They keep trying to play out from the back with players (and a keeper) not good enough to do it. Eriksen was used in a deeper role so they could use him as the fulcrum for their playing out and it was an unmitigated disaster. Maguire could have been sent off for a foul on the edge of the box after him and Eriksen got into a pickle, and then De Gea decided to play a ball into the feet of Eriksen even though he was as tightly marked as can be. Jensen robbed the ball and gleefully made it 2-0.

 

What a nightmare for Eriksen, who was given some fairly good natured stick by the home fans (his overall reception was mixed). Serves him right for joining that clown show though. I mean fucking hell, you get a second chance at life and this is what you do with it??? Serious 'alcoholic getting a new liver and then immediately going down the pub afterwards' vibes about this.

 

I saw a tweet afterwards saying something like “this is the worst day of Eriksen’s life even though he once died”.

 

Ben Mee bundled in a header to make it 3-0. Look at that tiny little centre back of United’s on that one though, he’s running around the six yard box like a toddler. Mee is almost on the floor when he heads it in as the little fella is completely stranded watching it go over his head. Hilarious scenes. 

 

The fourth came soon after on the break. Beautifully crafted goal that. Lovely ball by Toney and a fine finish by Mbuemo. If those two stay fit all season I think Brentford will stay up. If anything happens to either, they’re in trouble. Two good players them lads, and they work well together which makes them even greater than the sum of their parts.

 

4-0 down at Brentford with only a little over half an hour gone on the clock. As bad as it gets? Don’t be so sure. These do not look like a side who have bottomed out yet. They seem to be getting worse in pretty much every single aspect of running a football club. The training ground and stadium need loads of work but the playing staff needs even more.

 

There’s already talk that the players “aren’t convinced” about the new coach, which is just fucking hilarious really because as I said when the same stories were being leaked after Rangnick came in last year, these shit lazy cunts do not have a right to an opinion about any coach. Imagine fat head Maguire and Shaw sat eating burgers in the canteen saying to each other “not sure this new gaffer is good enough for Manchester United”. The sense of entitlement from these pricks is astonishing.

 

Ten Hag had them in the next day and made them run. Not just that, he made them run the same distance that Brentford had outran them the day before. While I can completely relate to what he’s done there and in his shoes I’d probably have done the same or even worse, this is counter productive. That group of players have shown under several different coaches now exactly what they’re about.

 

They won’t react positively to that, their sense of entitlement means they’ll feel insulted, belittled, slighted by it. The fact we read about it straight away is probably a result of one or more of them cryarsing off the record to the press.

 

Ronaldo is fucking seething. You can see he’s just in a permanent state of anger these days. I read that he’s eating on his own in the club canteen now and wants no part of the bums he’s saddled himself with. On one hand he’s got a point. He’s been a winner his entire life but now he’s in a team full of fucking losers with no professional pride. On the other hand, he chose to sign for them when it was obvious they were shite. You know what his problem was? He thought the Covid season was actually real.

 

He’s apparently said “the truth” will come out in a couple of weeks, when the window shuts. Why not now? Because he so clearly just wants out and will probably go anywhere for CL footy. He can’t say it in case nothing materialises, but he’s got “deadline day move to Turkey” written all over him at this point.

 

Wherever he goes he’ll be in a better position than he is right now. Except maybe Everton, but I’ll get to them later. 

 

 

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[alles ist gut]

Top, top baldy-bastards-with-hair-envy analysis there, Dave.

[DalyanPete]

Got to love the "creative mind" of a journalist.

 

Conte would fucking murder him”. No, what’s more likely to happen is that Conte would beat him up and then Tuchel would go home and get some chloroform, bubble wrap, gaffer tape and his sharpest scalpels and then just slice him up piece by piece before dumping him in the Thames. I’d much rather be on Conte’s hit list than Tuchel’s. 

[Josef Svejk]

Tuchel has definite serial killer vibes. 

[etho]

That last paragraph is absolutely gold

[Kevin D]

6 hours ago, DalyanPete said:

Got to love the "creative mind" of a journalist.

 

Conte would fucking murder him”. No, what’s more likely to happen is that Conte would beat him up and then Tuchel would go home and get some chloroform, bubble wrap, gaffer tape and his sharpest scalpels and then just slice him up piece by piece before dumping him in the Thames. I’d much rather be on Conte’s hit list than Tuchel’s. 

Journalist should be in quotation marks.

[dockers_strike]

Excellent round up, Dave. Taylor is still a shit ref at the end of the day and I see now everyone has pointed out the obvious, Dean is saying he 'regrets' not sending Taylor to the monitor to review the hair pull incident.

 

I keep saying it, refs and VAR officials are making it up as they go along. As for that manc tit 'chappers,' no, the laws dont specifically mention hair pulling. But they also done specifically mention every other type of action that is a foul either. A foul is an infringement of play or a player.

[DalyanPete]

39 minutes ago, Kevin D said:

Journalist should be in quotation marks.

Ha ha, you doubting him?

[dave u]

I'm not a journalist as I don't have any of the qualifications they go to Uni and study for, so I'd never call myself that as I'd be a fraud.

 

I prefer to just call myself a genius.

 

On the Cucurella incident, I've just asked the ESPN rules expert on twitter about it and he said they couldn't give the foul because it was the attacker doing it, and not the defender. So they could only interfere to give a penalty, but not a free-kick, or to disallow a goal that might have been scored in that phase of play.

 

I hadn't thought of it like that. It's still a bad decision but the blame lies with Taylor and not Mike Dean. Unless you think he should have sent him off, which for me is debatable either way.

[Anubis]

6 hours ago, Josef Svejk said:

Tuchel has definite serial killer vibes. 

Thomas Frank for me. I'm convinced there are dead prostitutes under his patio. 

[sir roger]

1 hour ago, Anubis said:

Thomas Frank for me. I'm convinced there are dead prostitutes under his patio. 

More likely in the basement still 'earning'

[TheSire]

[Erik T]

This «VAR can only interfere if it should have been a penalty or a red card» or whatever it now is has to be changed. Get rid of the lawyer talk and introduce some common sense into it. Not giving a freekick to Cucurella in that hair-pulling incident was as «clear and obvious» an error that you’ll ever see. 

[DalyanPete]

19 hours ago, dave u said:

I'm not a journalist as I don't have any of the qualifications they go to Uni and study for, so I'd never call myself that as I'd be a fraud.

 

I prefer to just call myself a genius.

 

 

Always be a journo to me, genius? Not so sure.

[dave u]

19 hours ago, TheSire said:

 

That from Conte's insta?

[Bobby Hundreds]

Bubble wrap seems excessive and impractical youd be noisey as fuck making popping noises moving the body parts from trunk to destination and unless you pop all the bubbles or remove the bubble wrap the parts will float,  shrink wrap or cling film is enough for travel.

[dave u]

You'd think I'd know that from personal experience.

 

 

 

Of watching Dexter I mean, obviously.

[Mark M]

@dave uthe smelling themselves has started to hit a new level…..

[dave u]

Me trying to drown out the deafening sniffing sound of Arsenal fans smelling themselves tonight

 

[Tj hooker]

Fabulous read some proper laugh out loud moments in there .