Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

4 hours ago, tokyojoe said:

 

Broke hip two years ago. 5 weeks in hospital.

Was that your Christmas break? Or have I misremembered that?

[tokyojoe]

10 minutes ago, AngryOfTuebrook said:

Was that your Christmas break? Or have I misremembered that?

At least it got me away from fucking christmas that year!

[littletedwest]

7 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been involved in an accident which hospitalised you?

I accidentally got a dice from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up my snout. My visit to hospital was relatively brief but I missed thundercats because of it

[Bjornebye]

15 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

I accidentally got a dice from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up my snout. My visit to hospital was relatively brief but I missed thundercats because of it

I'm sorry mate, I might have a poisoned mind from years of the GF but as far as I'm concerned that means you got a magic wand from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up your arse. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

29 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

I accidentally got a dice from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up my snout. My visit to hospital was relatively brief but I missed thundercats because of it

Yeah, that was a rough week last week.

[VladimirIlyich]

1 hour ago, littletedwest said:

I accidentally got a dice from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up my snout. My visit to hospital was relatively brief but I missed thundercats because of it

You liked it,but not a lot.

[Strontium]

1 hour ago, littletedwest said:

I accidentally got a dice from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up my snout. My visit to hospital was relatively brief but I missed thundercats because of it

 

I was also in hospital for a few hours due to an accident and missed all that day's cartoons. I don't know if anyone remembers that game, Kwik Cricket. It's a children's version of cricket played with plastic bats, which is theoretically safer, except that the ball is this absolute rock solid piece of heavy orange plastic, like a giant plastic bullet. Absolute insanity. We were playing it in primary school PE, and I took this ball square in the nose. Next thing I am lying on the floor with blood gushing out of my face. In these more enlightened times someone would have been sued. But whenever Kwik Cricket was ever played again in that school, tennis balls were used instead.

[Bjornebye]

16 minutes ago, Strontium Dog™ said:

 

I was also in hospital for a few hours due to an accident and missed all that day's cartoons. I don't know if anyone remembers that game, Kwik Cricket. It's a children's version of cricket played with plastic bats, which is theoretically safer, except that the ball is this absolute rock solid piece of heavy orange plastic, like a giant plastic bullet. Absolute insanity. We were playing it in primary school PE, and I took this ball square in the nose. Next thing I am lying on the floor with blood gushing out of my face. In these more enlightened times someone would have been sued. But whenever Kwik Cricket was ever played again in that school, tennis balls were used instead.

I remember them balls. I got hit clean in the back of the head in a game of quick rounders. I’d literally handed the bat over and as I walked away I heard it connect and just knew it was hitting me. Fucking brutal them balls 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

1 hour ago, Bjornebye said:

 I got hit clean in the back of the head 

That explains a lot.

[suzy]

16 hours ago, Remmie said:

My wife technically died for about a minute after a car accident when she was 12, apparently a surgeon restarted it with his massive hands cracking her ribs doing CPR. In her recovery in hospital she saw a lady eat a sweet despite being told very strictly to not to eat anything after surgery. It killed the lady and my wife had to point it out to the nurses. She then spent 3 months in a Ukrainian hospital in a cast holding her arm above her head and having the arm rebroken 3 times. Quite character building all that shit at 12.

Bloody hell!!

[Shitty Arse]

12 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been involved in an accident which hospitalised you?

When we were kids my cousin and I ended up in Alder Hey for an overnight stay after breaking into the medicine cabinet and drinking a massive bottle of Benylin between us. My poor mum and auntie had to answer to social services on that one. Also a few pissed up scrapes over the years that have required hospital treatment. Fell off a motorbike in Italy and broke my wrist once.

[Shitty Arse]

Has anyone ever shit themselves in public?

[Bob]

19 minutes ago, Shitty Arse said:

Has anyone ever shit themselves in public?

I had to discard a pair of undies in the motorway service bogs after being caught short due to a combination of wheat intolerance and motorway traffic. Hadn’t fully shit myself, but had definitely shit myself.

 

more memorably though was a time I  didn't shit myself: I moved in with a couple of mates after we all came back from uni and we had a bunch of our old school mates out for beers with us and they crashed at our gaff, people sleeping on the couch and the lounge floor in our small terraced place.

 

I woke in the middle of the night feeling like I was gonna die, so crept downstairs and stepped over everyone to get to our bog which was in a bathroom on the ground floor, in and extension off the kitchen.

 

it wasn’t pretty but I got through it and went back to bed. A short while later I woke again, this time it felt serious. I thought I was gonna explode and couldn’t imagine a scenario where I was gonna be able to get all the way to the bog, stepping over mates, without shitting down my leg, so I did the honourable thing and found a shoebox to take a shit in. It was awful. Truly horrendous. I got through it, and walked downstairs with my box of fettered shite, stepped over everyone and went outside and washed it all down the drain with a hosepipe.

 

next morning I told everyone my tale of woe, then went to the medical centre round the corner and got signed off work for a week with some kind of gastric virus.

 

telling people was the mistake. I took the nickname “shoebox” for quite some time after, and many years later on the bus from my wedding reception back to our hotels at Albert dock I stood in the

aisle of the top deck while everyone around me - the vast majority of people having only heard that story for the first time that evening - singing over and over “he's shitting in a box, he’s shitting in a cardboard box”

[Evelyn Tentions]

4 hours ago, Shitty Arse said:

Has anyone ever shit themselves in public?

The current Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, shat his pants in a McDonalds in the Sydney suburb of Engadine.

On another occasion pissed his pants.

[Jose Jones]

I won two flights to New York once through the Independent. That was pretty good. Never won anything before or since, but I figure that I am still ahead of the game.

 

Not me, but a mate of mine is an electrical engineer and he was working on a prison setting up the air con and CCTV and that a couple of years ago. He was in there checking it was working when a guy stripped naked in front of the camera in his cell and chopped his own cock off (not sure where he managed to get the knife from, @Bob Spunkmouse probably smuggled it in).

[Boss]

Has anyone ever... saved someone's life?

[Remmie]

51 minutes ago, Boss said:

Has anyone ever... saved someone's life?

In Laos they have one of the most notorious and adrenaline fueled tourist death trap extravaganzas called tubing. You take one of those large rubber rings and float down the river Nam Song and take in the stunning scenery. So far sounds pretty tame right? 

 

Well, it's located in a small town in Laos called Van Vieng and became extremely popular very quickly. Some genius noticed the amount of backpacker tourists doing this and built a Riverside bar. Then more bars followed when that became extremely successful. So now you got extremely drunk people navigating fast water in the wilderness. 

 

Over time the bars fought for the tourist cash and various interesting strategies came into play. One of which included paying attractive tourists in free booze to be having a great time at the bar greeting people and giving them free shots. The booze mixtures are often filled with god knows what, including hallucinogens. When I first saw this it was quite surreal watching some guys and girls playing volleyball and enjoying themselves more than goose, ice man and maverick did. Incidentally, the bitch from here had this job whilst out there, like enough isn't already going for him the lucky prick. Not jealous at all (this story is getting there eventually). 

 

Another strategy is to build home made slides, rope swings, zip lines etc to make it even more fun but absolutely none of this was remotely regulated. This mixture of alcohol, murky fast running water, home made death traps and uninhibited young backpackers makes it incredibly dangerous and the local hospital is/was completely overwhelmed with battered and hammered patrons. 

 

I was there a couple nights and in my time I saw an unconscious guy getting carried away by 6 or 7 very worried looking people who reassured me that he had a heartbeat at least, enough wounded souls around to look like a section of the army coming back from action, a friend I'd made waking up with cuts all down his arms from falling in the rocks and my Japanese guest house neighbour Miho. 

 

On day one there I had made it maybe 50 metres down the river having a trousers down belting time, I honestly can't emphasise how much fun this activity was, think I maybe got to a third pub before my tube was stolen for it's deposit and I didn't care as I enjoyed it so much despite the main topic of conversation being how dangerous it was. I returned home and got changed ready to go out when the owner of the guest house asked for my help, 3 young hammered backpacker girls had passed out in their room and had left the shower on causing the room to start to flood. It seems in Laos culture it is not cool to be practical in this situation by entering the room and physically waking them so I was asked to do so. Me in this situation:

 

 

 

 

[Remmie]

Apologies for the 2 part post, I didn't finish my edit in time for it to be saved so here is the rest:

 

I woke up the first girl and it turned out it was someone I had bumped into several times on my trip. She beckoned me to get into bed with her and for what turned out to not be my only offer of rough and tumble in my brief time in Vang Vieng where I was in a situation I couldn't pull the trigger on a very inviting offer (some may call me a prude but the room was flooding and the owner was looking on!). I spent the next couple hours rousing the girls from their deep drunken slumber, rescuing their stuff and generally keeping the hysterical loons in check. But no, it wasn't their lives I saved, just an interesting (to me at least) digression trying to illustrate how crazy this place was. 

 

On day 2 I was determined to do the tubing route properly and not just get hammered this time, though inevitably that happened. There was a water slide made with kitchen tiles that I had slid down 3 or 4 times head first into the water trying to get a cool mid air lying down game photo. A couple minutes later some guy slid down feet first and hit the water so hard it knocked him out cold and he had to be fished out. 

 

As you float on beer in hand, the bars become fewer and further between each other and you can finally do the trip properly. I had lost my drinking buddies as you can suddenly pick up speed if you hit the right current and was just enjoying the scenery occasionally bumping into people, when I finally came across my drunken neighbour, Miho. She was full Yeltsin drunk and had fallen out of her rubber ring and was forlornly trying to doggy paddle (very badly) after her bucket of whisky and Thai redbull. I somehow managed to reunite her with her rubber ring and alcohol and spent the next 2-3 hours keeping the mental drunk fucker from drowning as she constantly fell off her ring and couldn't swim. Despite this she would frequently just fall out for fun and try to get off with me, until we finally, in pitch black, managed to find somewhere to stop and take us back. There is a chance she may not of drowned but the state she was in and how deep and fast the river was, the chance wasn't very high at all. 

 

And yes, of course I did. 

 

Fin. 

[Remmie]

The tubing craziness eventually got shut down when an American diplomat's son died doing it though last I heard it was making somewhat of a come back. 

[TheBitch]

When I was in Van Vieng I convinced a girl from Manchester I was the guitarist in the band Biffy Clyro despite not having a single tattoo on me and where he is covered in them. (I think). 
And yes I did. 

[Total Longo]

On 14/11/2021 at 01:19, Shitty Arse said:

Has anyone ever shit themselves in public?

Yes. A showing off scenario that went spectacularly wrong. 

[Bruce Spanner]

Mate of mine years got got caught short on the way home from the pub.

 

Nothing unusual there, he just found a bush, squatted, did the deed and pulled up his skateboarder style jeans.

 

He gets home exausted and jumps on to his bed in relief at the end of a long hard day.

 

Only, not quite as he felt something unusual fire up his back on the point of impact with the mattress.

 

He'd only defecated in his own back pocket without realising.

 

Now he, his clothes and bed clothes are covered in shite as the impact sent it everywhere.

 

He told us this the day after and has never lived it down.

[DalyanPete]

On 13/11/2021 at 15:38, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...won a competition?

Won a three day family Paris Disney trip in Liverpool echo competition run by some opera company.

About 3 months later won a week's holiday to Egypt run by the same opera company in the Echo, swapped it for a week in Spain.

Both wins came with 6 bottles of wine and other goodies.

[Total Longo]

On 13/11/2021 at 15:47, Remmie said:

A Karate competition in Crystal Palace as a kid, I missed my coach from Milton Keynes and had to catch a train instead but then I registered just in time and ended up winning. The first person I beat was girl 1 foot shorter and several years and ranks below me. I won with an ippon kick to the head which dropped her and she couldn't continue. Felt guilty about that but a win's a win. Also was on the right side of some dogshit judging where they hadn't kept scores properly at all and the guy was beating me something like 3 wazaris to 1 but probably forgot about 5 or 6 combined scoring shots, eventually decided the scores were level despite him being far ahead, but I caught him first in the sudden death and won the final. I drank pink lemonade out of my trophy, thought I was proper rock and roll.

 

There was also a pub competition, the first round you had to get through was the yes or no game. After I confirmed my name without saying yes (or no) it threw my interrogater as everyone else fucked up on the first question and so got through to the next round pretty easily. Then I had to answer some quiz question that was piss easy and I had to choose a prize from 1-9. I was the first person to get to this stage but picked out the star prize first pick of about £70 and pissed it straight on the bar buying a round for a lot of mates (around 15 of them and when £70 would easily cover such a round). 

 

Probably not the competitions you had in mind but fuck you and your judgements.

Mate, you know this anyway, but i genuinely love you.

[Chairman Meow]

On 13/11/2021 at 20:05, littletedwest said:

I accidentally got a dice from a Paul Daniels magic set stuck up my snout. My visit to hospital was relatively brief but I missed thundercats because of it

 

I was convinced that was a Moanero post initially.