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Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.

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1 hour ago, RJ Fan club said:

Anyone shagged their mates Mum?

 

Me: Sister yes, Mum no 

I shagged some bird who ended up marrying one of my mates. Proper dirty slag too. I even got invited to their wedding, she told me a few years after that she was angry that I turned up as she'd never told him and I'd made her feel on edge all day, even though I'd shagged her a few years earlier and she'd been through a few other lads since then. 

 

Don't see him anymore but still see his Facebook posts and she makes out she's really middle class, prim and proper. They're also one of these couples who tell each other on Facebook how madly in love they are with each other. 

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1 hour ago, Harry Squatter said:

I shagged some bird who ended up marrying one of my mates. Proper dirty slag too. I even got invited to their wedding, she told me a few years after that she was angry that I turned up as she'd never told him and I'd made her feel on edge all day, even though I'd shagged her a few years earlier and she'd been through a few other lads since then. 

 

Don't see him anymore but still see his Facebook posts and she makes out she's really middle class, prim and proper. They're also one of these couples who tell each other on Facebook how madly in love they are with each other. 

Ha ha she probably has pics of her and the bloke (along with their kids) on Facebook with the caption 'My World' on them. Seen it so many times with couples where one of them is known to be a cheater 

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2 hours ago, RJ Fan club said:

Anyone shagged their mates Mum?

 

Me: Sister yes, Mum no 

I don't know if it's my imagination, but mums in the 70s and 80s seemed to be a lot older. These days, there are loads of 40 year-olds who still look as fit as when they were in their twenties. When my mates' mums were 40, they all looked like Nelly Pledge.

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7 hours ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

Has anyone ever technically died?

My heart stopped twice so technically yes.

 

Was going out with a girl who worked for Stakis Hotels which meant we got to stay in any hotel in the uk for £10 a night including all meals.

Went for a weekend in Manchester and ate in the hotel. Thought I would be very cosmopolitan and ordered the escargot. Turns out I am allergic and had a had an anaphylactic reaction. Last thing I remembered was lying in the foyer with the manager asking her to take me back to the room a I was upseting the residents.

I have no idea what happened after that but she told me my heart stopped twice and they brought me back until somebody twigged what it was and admistered the right drugs.

Spent six days in hospital and have not been back.

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5 hours ago, Qwikage said:

My heart stopped twice so technically yes.

 

Was going out with a girl who worked for Stakis Hotels which meant we got to stay in any hotel in the uk for £10 a night including all meals.

Went for a weekend in Manchester and ate in the hotel. Thought I would be very cosmopolitan and ordered the escargot. Turns out I am allergic and had a had an anaphylactic reaction. Last thing I remembered was lying in the foyer with the manager asking her to take me back to the room a I was upseting the residents.

I have no idea what happened after that but she told me my heart stopped twice and they brought me back until somebody twigged what it was and admistered the right drugs.

Spent six days in hospital and have not been back.

Christ. Glad you’re ok. Did you get your end away? 

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8 hours ago, Harry's Lad said:

Haha. Sorry there's nothing to report.

I was in the same situation(I think) paramedics where calling people over and  saying, "look at him, he's having a heart attack" as I laughed and joked about it.

When I retell the story it includes, angels singing. Tunnel of light and a guy with a beard welcoming me with arms apart.

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6 hours ago, AngryOfTuebrook said:

I don't know if it's my imagination, but mums in the 70s and 80s seemed to be a lot older. These days, there are loads of 40 year-olds who still look as fit as when they were in their twenties. When my mates' mums were 40, they all looked like Nelly Pledge.

So true that. 

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My wife technically died for about a minute after a car accident when she was 12, apparently a surgeon restarted it with his massive hands cracking her ribs doing CPR. In her recovery in hospital she saw a lady eat a sweet despite being told very strictly to not to eat anything after surgery. It killed the lady and my wife had to point it out to the nurses. She then spent 3 months in a Ukrainian hospital in a cast holding her arm above her head and having the arm rebroken 3 times. Quite character building all that shit at 12.

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22 minutes ago, Remmie said:

My wife technically died for about a minute after a car accident when she was 12, apparently a surgeon restarted it with his massive hands cracking her ribs doing CPR. In her recovery in hospital she saw a lady eat a sweet despite being told very strictly to not to eat anything after surgery. It killed the lady and my wife had to point it out to the nurses. She then spent 3 months in a Ukrainian hospital in a cast holding her arm above her head and having the arm rebroken 3 times. Quite character building all that shit at 12.

Grass.

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10 hours ago, RJ Fan club said:

Anyone shagged their mates Mum?

 

Me: Sister yes, Mum no 

Not me but a mate did shag another mates mum. He was seventeen, she’d have been around forty. She ended up leaving my mates dad and setting up home with my other mate. It didn’t last of course. 
 

When the affair started he confided in another mate who told the rest of us (obviously). He knew they were having it away on a lane by a golf course near us. A few of us did the only sensible thing and staked the place out. We hid behind a wall and waited. Nothing.

 

Remarkably when it all came out in the open my two mates remained friends, or at least on friendly terms.

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2 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Christ. Glad you’re ok. Did you get your end away? 

Not that night, but fortunately we had previously done that pre marraige thing - had sex during the day when it was still daylight, we were both sober and it was not a special occasion.

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2 hours ago, DalyanPete said:

I was in the same situation(I think) paramedics where calling people over and  saying, "look at him, he's having a heart attack" as I laughed and joked about it.

When I retell the story it includes, angels singing. Tunnel of light and a guy with a beard welcoming me with arms apart.

I'm not sure exactly what happened with me to be honest, but I think it was something to do with with the anaesthetic and me being a fat bastard and having Apnoea which hadn't been diagnosed then.

 

All I know is a Dr came to see me on the ward and said they'd lost me for a minute, gave me something, got me back and not to worry, I'm fine,  but told me if I ever needed another operation I should mention it and that it would be on record, hence the local on my next op.

 

 

 

 

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10 hours ago, Harry Squatter said:

I shagged some bird who ended up marrying one of my mates. Proper dirty slag too. I even got invited to their wedding, she told me a few years after that she was angry that I turned up as she'd never told him and I'd made her feel on edge all day, even though I'd shagged her a few years earlier and she'd been through a few other lads since then. 

 

Don't see him anymore but still see his Facebook posts and she makes out she's really middle class, prim and proper. They're also one of these couples who tell each other on Facebook how madly in love they are with each other. 

One of my mates ended up marrying one of my exes.  I’d just been booted out of uni and came home. She was still at uni so obviously I started shagging someone else. Split up with uni bird but she just refused to accept it. She kept coming to Stockport to see me at weekends and I had to eventually say she couldn’t stay at mine. She went to stay with a mate of mine (who she knew). They got together and I couldn’t care less. He eventually moved to live with her in Essex. On his leaving do we had a great laugh until right at the end when he tried to taunt me about it. I couldn’t make him understand I was happy for them and wasn’t upset.  He kept going on saying I’d regret it, he’d ‘won’ etc.  At that point I just blurted ‘I bet you’ve not bummed her though’ by they way his face crumbled and he just sat down on the pavement I think he hadn’t.
 

As an aside the woman I got with is now fucking spectacularly ugly. Like fucking a cartoon character ugly.  I saw her in town about a year ago and did a comedy ‘about face’ to avoid her. She saw me do it.   

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11 hours ago, RJ Fan club said:

I’m not being an arse here, but it made me laugh. 
 

Citing and Sighting you for adultery are quite different things mate!

Fare enough.

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9 hours ago, AngryOfTuebrook said:

I don't know if it's my imagination, but mums in the 70s and 80s seemed to be a lot older. These days, there are loads of 40 year-olds who still look as fit as when they were in their twenties. When my mates' mums were 40, they all looked like Nelly Pledge.

One lad we used to hang around with, his ma looked like Peggy Bundy from Married with Children. She would always answer the door in her dressing gown no matter what time of day it was and have random fellas round while her husband worked on the oil rigs off the coast of Aberdeen. We were weirdly never allowed into his house. She had ridiculously massive tits despite being fairly skinny. Sometimes we would just go and knock for him to see them almost popping out of the top of her dressing gown.

 

Another lad my brother hung around with, his ma was a massive slag who used to wear leather skirts and fishnet stockings, she was quite good looking but she was always cheating on her husband.

 

She was having an affair with some poncey Laurence Llewellyn Bowen lookalike who owned the local hairdressers. My uncle was a painter and decorater and was painting the outside of the pub opposite the hairdressers. He said when he was on the ladder he could see them both going at it in the shop, he even sat in one of the chairs while she sucked him off. Luckily he had brushed the floor up so she wouldn't get hair all over her knees. 

 

I felt sorry for the lad as his parents split up because of her being a massive slag. Went to Blackpool once and went into a cafe and she was running it with her latest fella, her son looked miserable as fuck working there with them. Or maybe it was just because his mum forced him to live in Blackpool. 

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27 minutes ago, Rico1304 said:

One of my mates ended up marrying one of my exes.  I’d just been booted out of uni and came home. She was still at uni so obviously I started shagging someone else. Split up with uni bird but she just refused to accept it. She kept coming to Stockport to see me at weekends and I had to eventually say she couldn’t stay at mine. She went to stay with a mate of mine (who she knew). They got together and I couldn’t care less. He eventually moved to live with her in Essex. On his leaving do we had a great laugh until right at the end when he tried to taunt me about it. I couldn’t make him understand I was happy for them and wasn’t upset.  He kept going on saying I’d regret it, he’d ‘won’ etc.  At that point I just blurted ‘I bet you’ve not bummed her though’ by they way his face crumbled and he just sat down on the pavement I think he hadn’t.
 

As an aside the woman I got with is now fucking spectacularly ugly. Like fucking a cartoon character ugly.  I saw her in town about a year ago and did a comedy ‘about face’ to avoid her. She saw me do it.   

I went out with some girl who lived quite a way from me where I'd have to get 2 trains to see her. My mate had a car and would give me a lift there and we eventually set him up with one of her mates.

 

I got bored of her quite quickly, mainly because she wouldn't put out and all I'd be doing is going there just to sit in her bedroom or the living room while her parents were still there. I just stopped going and ignored her calls. Anyway, my mate who kept giving me a lift sacked off her mate and decided to go out with her.

 

He didn't have the balls to tell me (not that I would have cared anyway)  and just turned up with her one night in town holding hands acting all loved up. I didn't react in any way which they wanted. 

 

They wentbout with each other for 18 months and finished abruptly, Anyway I found out from his brother that he'd never shagged her once which I thought was amusing as he'd been stuck with her for 18 months but thought he was getting one over me. He spent an absolute fortune on her and got nowhere.

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15 hours ago, RJ Fan club said:

That reminds me of a time when I ‘prevented’ a robbery. Also not massively interesting 

 

Was bank holiday in late May, I was visiting Brighton before I moved down here. I’ve been out with my mates absolutely hammered in town, and we were queueing up to a late-night off-licence to get a couple of slabs of cans to take down to the beach and stay up and drink till the sunrise.

 

I sent a mate for some cans, while I went to get some kebabs. We met with our goods when I realised I needed ciggies. So I queued up at the same off-licence, which had a late night window, no entry.

 

While I was in the queue I got talking to the bloke in front of me who was a Scouser.
 

He told me he just got out of prison and that he was going to do the off-licence over because he wanted to go back inside. Showed me his knife, he was serious.

 

So being pissed, I asked if I could go in front so I could get my biftas first and then fuck off. Which he agreed to.

 

Then that got me thinking, we are both scousers and everyone in this queue is going to think I had something to do with the robbery, but I still want to get me ciggies I had about 10 minutes of queue to talk him out of it.

 

Which somehow I managed, think I persuaded him that he’d be better off not doing it on a bank holiday as the police would be chocker and he wouldn’t get anything anyway as they shop weren’t letting people in.

 

Got my ciggies, headed off to the beach. 

Kebaps, tabs and beers.

 

Oh baby.

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1 hour ago, Harry's Lad said:

I'm not sure exactly what happened with me to be honest, but I think it was something to do with with the anaesthetic and me being a fat bastard and having Apnoea which hadn't been diagnosed then.

 

All I know is a Dr came to see me on the ward and said they'd lost me for a minute, gave me something, got me back and not to worry, I'm fine,  but told me if I ever needed another operation I should mention it and that it would be on record, hence the local on my next op.

 

 

 

 

I love it when it's not our time to go!

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