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Carvalho Diablo

Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.

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13 minutes ago, stringvest said:

I got attacked by a swan in Bowness.

 

I had just had a lovely breakfast, minding my own business, reading a book over two pots of tea and a hearty full English (I won't tell you what was on the plate as I don't want to start a war).  So I am sauntering towards the bit of the lake where the ferries go from, and this swan is walking towards me on the footpath.  Not wanting a broken arm, I started to growl and make menacing noises at this swan, but it was having none of it.  Kept walking towards me, by this time there was hissing and the wings were out (both from the swan), so as soon as it got within swiping distance, I clocked it round the head quite hard with my book.  That was enough to make it turn round, so I helped it on its way with a gentle boot up the arse to help it take to the air.  This was in November, so there weren't too many people about, thank fuck.

 

The book was by Christopher Hitchens.  I thought of the irony as I whacked the unfortunate bird, because if it was the author, he would have just stood there arguing with it for 25 minutes.

We took the kids to Fellfoot on Windermere, a nice National Trust spot right by the lake where you could use little dinghies in relative safety and there were Swans there.

 

There was a family there who were pissing everybody off, loud, allowing their kids to run riot chucking litter everywhere, you know the type.

They had this dog, some sort of big  crossbreed which was off the lead and pestering people who were eating their picnics and generally being a nuisance. 

 

Anyway, one of the swans had got out of the water and was walking alongside the lake. The dog sees it, goes to investigate the Swan rears up spreading itself hissing the way they do, the dog shits itself and scarpers and the woman starts screeching the Swan should be put down because it's dangerous and could hurt someone.

People were just laughing and after her ranting for a bit they went.

 

I like Swans.

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2 hours ago, DalyanPete said:

Bet it did.

I have theory (untried) people are such dog lovers they never go for the kill when dogs are attacking humans. I got bit on the arse when jogging, a Norris Green dog as well. Kick the fucka back and hear shouts of, "out of order that mate"

 

Sounds about right, every time there's a story on Echo Facebook about some hellbeast savaging a toddler, if you say that you hope the animal was destroyed you always get a posse of jamooks having a go at you for it.

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3 minutes ago, Strontium Dog™ said:

 

Sounds about right, every time there's a story on Echo Facebook about some hellbeast savaging a toddler, if you say that you hope the animal was destroyed you always get a posse of jamooks having a go at you for it.

Yeah but you're version of destroyed is different from everyone elses 

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3 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Yeah but you're version of destroyed is different from everyone elses 

 

Funny.

 

Ex-Liverpool councillor Frank Doran had the right idea with problem dogs. The neighbour's little shits were barking all night, every night, so he laced some meat with industrial strength laxative and fed it to them, leading the owners to take them for a last trip to the vets. Result, no more barking.

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35 minutes ago, Strontium Dog™ said:

 

Sounds about right, every time there's a story on Echo Facebook about some hellbeast savaging a toddler, if you say that you hope the animal was destroyed you always get a posse of jamooks having a go at you for it.

Then you get the usual bleaters saying "it's not the dog, it's the owner"

 

Have them put down as well then. Win-win. 

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1 hour ago, Strontium Dog™ said:

 

Funny.

 

Ex-Liverpool councillor Frank Doran had the right idea with problem dogs. The neighbour's little shits were barking all night, every night, so he laced some meat with industrial strength laxative and fed it to them, leading the owners to take them for a last trip to the vets. Result, no more barking.

Thanks. It was funny. 

 

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2 hours ago, Strontium Dog™ said:

 

Sounds about right, every time there's a story on Echo Facebook about some hellbeast savaging a toddler, if you say that you hope the animal was destroyed you always get a posse of jamooks having a go at you for it.

All the time mate

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I picked a fight with a dog once. I had just got divorced so my head was in a strange place and I was perpetually angry. One Easter, we were staying in a converted barn and every night on the way to the pub the farmers big dog would bark and snarl at us scaring the more sensitive members of our party. On the second night walking back from the pub, I got sick of this so I undid his chain, got down on my hands and knees and tried to get him into a fight. The farmer came out and asked what the fuck was going on.  Everyone else ran off to the barn leaving me on my hands and knees in the farmyard in a light drizzle. Not my finest moment. 

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18 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been attacked by an animal?

No, but...

 

I was out picking berries first of September, minding my own business, when I heard a stick break.

 

I stand up to take a look, face to face with a three-hundred pound black bear at about ten yards.

 

I went "WOOOOOOOOOOAH" and that thing took off like a lightning bolt. I've never seen anything move that fast in the bush. Thankfully at 90 degrees to me.

 

It moved so fast I didn't have time to get scared, I didn't even get an adrenaline rush. Boom, gone.

 

I did have a knife in my pocket, but of course no time to think about getting it out. I suspect though that even if I'd've had a knife in each hand, if it had come at me the answer to the question would have been Bear-1 Monkey-0.

 

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16 minutes ago, polymerpunkah said:

No, but...

 

I was out picking berries first of September, minding my own business, when I heard a stick break.

 

I stand up to take a look, face to face with a three-hundred pound black bear at about ten yards.

 

I went "WOOOOOOOOOOAH" and that thing took off like a lightning bolt. I've never seen anything move that fast in the bush. Thankfully at 90 degrees to me.

 

It moved so fast I didn't have time to get scared, I didn't even get an adrenaline rush. Boom, gone.

 

I did have a knife in my pocket, but of course no time to think about getting it out. I suspect though that even if I'd've had a knife in each hand, if it had come at me the answer to the question would have been Bear-1 Monkey-0.

 

Awesome. This thread is class.

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1 hour ago, polymerpunkah said:

No, but...

 

I was out picking berries first of September, minding my own business, when I heard a stick break.

 

I stand up to take a look, face to face with a three-hundred pound black bear at about ten yards.

 

I went "WOOOOOOOOOOAH" and that thing took off like a lightning bolt. I've never seen anything move that fast in the bush. Thankfully at 90 degrees to me.

 

It moved so fast I didn't have time to get scared, I didn't even get an adrenaline rush. Boom, gone.

 

I did have a knife in my pocket, but of course no time to think about getting it out. I suspect though that even if I'd've had a knife in each hand, if it had come at me the answer to the question would have been Bear-1 Monkey-0.

 

Was this in Storeton woods, mate?

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20 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been attacked by an animal?

 

20 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...given someone the kiss of life?

Attacked by wild dogs ☑️

Attacked by feral cats ☑️

Attacked by black bears ☑️

Given someone the kiss of life

 

Got to love The Mighty GF

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12 hours ago, manwiththestick said:

I gave resuscitation Annie the kiss of life, she was unresponsive.

When I was a youth football manager we had to do loads of courses, one of which was basic first aid. There was a dummy to practice giving the kiss of life to, we all had to take a turn in front of the group. One bloke knelt down, put his mouth to the dummy's mouth then put his hand on its groin area and started rubbing. We all watched in shock and he stopped, looked around red faced and said "sorry, force of habit"

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Got attacked by some swans playing footy in Maghull. Our regular goalie couldn't be arsed turning up so I went in goal. Our team was cobbled together last minute and their team were top of the league by 20 points. So basically the first half was just non stop shots. 

 

Behind the goal was the canal, I tipped a shot over the bar and it went into the canal. Leant over to get the ball and about ten swans all charged up the canal to attack me. Pecking and biting me, I had goalie gloves on so managed to punch two in the body and they all squawked then dispersed. 

 

All their team were watching and laughing their heads off then one of their people on the line walked over all smug with a pole and a net on it saying "you might need this next time, some fella got his arm broken by the swans a few weeks back". It must be a rite of passage for the opposition keeper.

 

Turned round to see the swans attacking some fella who had set up to fish next to the canal. Proper psycho twats those swans. 

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On 22/11/2021 at 11:30, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...jammed a finger in a car door?

Yes. Middle finger right hand. Easily the worst pain I've ever been in. Screamed at the top of my voice. 

 

I was visiting my parents with my kids in the summer of 2010, and had just got back from the tour of a famous sporting stadium in L4, the day before it hosted its first fixture of the season.

 

It took the nail 2 weeks to completely fall off, and about 6 weeks to grow back. 

 

Whenever I am reminded of a certain owl-faced sports manager I get the kind pain in my fingering finger like Harry Potter when he thinks about Voldemort.  

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