Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.

[Dr Nowt]

4 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Heading up to Newcastle to see Neil Young, I'd arranged to meet with @Chairman Meow  and my mate Sievo a few years back, I'd taken the afternoon off work so had arranged to mate Sievo that afternoon at the Union Rooms for a few pints.

 

I got there early, got my drink and went to sit outside in the small terrace beer garden at the front, it was summer time, I sat down, took a drink and that was it, I was out like a fucking light.

 

Next thing I know, Sievo is patting me on the shoulder to wake me up. I'd been fast asleep for close on 2 hours, problem was however, I could feel my face, nose and ears had caught the sun.

 

Met up with Chairman Miaow later on and the gig was great.

 

Got up for work the next day though and fucking hell, Simon Weston was starring back at me from the bathroom mirror. Worst of all though we're my ears, they were bright red, peeling and seeping, swollen and sticking out from my head at unnatural angles.

 

Every cunt at work, punters included, pulled the piss out of me for days afterwards. The only relief I got was from Boots emergency burn cream.

 

Daft bastard.

 

 

Not me but still good.

 

Flying home from Bangkok after a 3 week bender. Spent our last money down to the final coin at the airport bar before finishing off a couple of Valiums and a Triazolam each. The latter were pretty punchy. 50 mg to Valium’s 10 mg, if I remember correctly.

 

Sat down and I knew I was going out like a light as soon as we’d finished take-off and got settled. Hostess came round the second we were cruising with food options which we were offered from the cart there and then. I said no thanks as I knew I’d be asleep the second she walked away. My mate, a greedy slug of a man, always on the make, took a full tray of gear. Only remember calling him a pig and telling him he wouldn’t be able to eat it in time, heard him gloating about how I’d wake up hungry, then everything black.

 

I’m woken by an air hostess who it seems is having to be fairly rough with me to bring me round. Opened my eyes and apologised and she told me we’re at Heathrow. I think I garbled ‘What, already?’ An 11 hour flight had gone by in a heartbeat.

 

Looked to my right, he’s spent the entire flight face down in his open dinner, comatose. He was wearing it like a mask when I brought him round and he lurched upwards. She left me with that job, not unreasonably. Looked like it was some sort of pasta bake.

[Bjornebye]

6 minutes ago, Dr Nowt said:

Not me but still good.

 

Flying home from Bangkok after a 3 week bender. Spent our last money down to the final coin at the airport bar before finishing off a couple of Valiums and a Triazolam each. The latter were pretty punchy. 50 mg to Valium’s 10 mg, if I remember correctly.

 

Sat down and I knew I was going out like a light as soon as we’d finished take-off and got settled. Hostess came round the second we were cruising with food options which we were offered from the cart there and then. I said no thanks as I knew I’d be asleep the second she walked away. My mate, a greedy slug of a man, always on the make, took a full tray of gear. Only remember calling him a pig and telling him he wouldn’t be able to eat it in time, heard him gloating about how I’d wake up hungry, then everything black.

 

I’m woken by an air hostess who it seems is having to be fairly rough with me to bring me round. Opened my eyes and apologised and she told me we’re at Heathrow. I think I garbled ‘What, already?’ An 11 hour flight had gone by in a heartbeat.

 

Looked to my right, he’s spent the entire flight face down in his open dinner, comatose. He was wearing it like a mask when I brought him round and he lurched upwards. She left me with that job, not unreasonably. Looked like it was some sort of pasta bake.

Hahahaha. 

 

Not anywhere near as long a flight but coming back from a word jolly in Berlin a few years ago, I was still awake in the hotel lobby rotten when people were walking past with their suitcases. Get on the flight, plonked next to two fat women, one couldn't get her seatbelt to fasten so I leant over to help her and went (now folklore in my old work line) "what the fuck did you have for breakfast, stew?" as my boss leant across and pulled me back into my seat. Immediately fell asleep and woke up thinking we were taxi'ing down the runway to take off but nope we'd just landed. Apparently plenty of people in the seats around us were delighted I'd slept the whole flight. 

[Tony Moanero]

1 hour ago, Elite said:

Anyone ever pissed in someone's house and I don't mean by using the toilet?

I used to have a chamber pot when we only had a downstairs toilet. First night in a holiday cottage, I got rat-arsed, ate pie and chips in bed and fell alseep. My wife woke up to the sound of running water, as she thought, only to find me urinating in the corner of the room. I was convinced I was doing the deed in my piss pot, but hadn’t packed it in my suitcase.

[VladimirIlyich]

5 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

I used to have a chamber pot when we only had a downstairs toilet. First night in a holiday cottage, I got rat-arsed, ate pie and chips in bed and fell alseep. My wife woke up to the sound of running water, as she thought, only to find me urinating in the corner of the room. I was convinced I was doing the deed in my piss pot, but hadn’t packed it in my suitcase.

One for the casebook of Sherlock Holmes here.

[Fowlers God]

On 11/11/2021 at 11:46, Jairzinho said:

I have hit someone over the head with a cricket bat.

 

Rather unimpressively it was accidental. I was waiting to bat and just practising a few shots. One of my teammates stepped out in front of me and I played an exquisite pull shot on his skull. 

 

As far as I'm aware he's still alive.

I’ve been hit over the head with a cricket bat. My mum and dads road was/is split in two with a massive Green area that was approximately 4 foo*ball pitches long and x2 wide. 
 

we basically had our own oval with boundaries etc. 

 

We would play out all day; this day it got too

late and was too dark to see the ball. We therefore decided to switch to quick cricket with a tennis ball as it was much safer. 
 

my mate was in bat and I was wicket keeper. The first ball came down leg side and I could just about make out the flight of the ball. My mate in mate ferociously swung for the ball and as I stepped forward to collect the ball I walked straight into the toe of the bat and my head split open. 

[Jairzinho]

1 minute ago, Fowlers God said:

I’ve been hit over the head with a cricket bat. My mum and dads road was/is split in two with a massive Green area that was approximately 4 foo*ball pitches long and x2 wide. 
 

we basically had our own oval with boundaries etc. 

 

We would play out all day; this day it got too

late and was too dark to see the ball. We therefore decided to switch to quick cricket with a tennis ball as it was much safer. 
 

my mate was in bat and I was wicket keeper. The first ball came down leg side and I could just about make out the flight of the ball. My mate in mate ferociously swung for the ball and as I stepped forward to collect the ball I walked straight into the toe of the bat and my head split open. 

The worst injury I've seen was playing a game in fading light. A fielder in the boundary threw the ball to the keeper, he completely missed the flight of the ball and it him square on the head, on the full, thrown from about 60 yards away. It made a sickening noise and people genuinely feared the lad had died. 

 

He got really lucky, and actually escaped serious injury. Presumably had it hit on other part of the head (think it him on the top of the head, possibly making the blow slightly more "glancing") he'd have been fucked. 

[Dr Nowt]

1 hour ago, Tony Moanero said:

I used to have a chamber pot when we only had a downstairs toilet. First night in a holiday cottage, I got rat-arsed, ate pie and chips in bed and fell alseep. My wife woke up to the sound of running water, as she thought, only to find me urinating in the corner of the room. I was convinced I was doing the deed in my piss pot, but hadn’t packed it in my suitcase.

‘Ate pie and chips in bed and fell asleep’ just casually secreted in that story. Hiding in plain sight. Masterfully done.

[Carvalho Diablo]

There was a church field at the bottom of our street when we were kids and a bunch of us were down there playing cricket one day.

 

I remember that I was keeping wicket, but we weren't using a cricket bat, no we were using a 3 wood gold club instead.

 

Perhaps predictably, the batsman went to hit the ball but caught me full in the eye on his backswing.

 

Looking back, I was lucky as fuck because the only injuries I suffered was a huge black eye and the initial shock of being whacked by the golf club.

 

Kids are resilient fuckers.

[littletedwest]

Going to sleep in public doesn't bother me. Before I drove I used always have a sleep on way to work. Remember one of my mates had a 200 quid Walkman, he was on work experience in Salford when we were kids, fell sleep on bus. He woke up with his headphones in but no walkman

[Dr Nowt]

My brother hit me full in the face with a rounders bat on a school day out when I was a kid. I was standing right behind him stupidly and he assured me it was accidental because he hadn’t realised, but I’ve seen him tell his wife their wedding was the second happiest moment of his life after me nearly drowning in front of him as a kid, so, you know. Fucking painful getting your clock cleaned with a bat, as it goes.

[littletedwest]

Another mate got his teeth knocked out by a cricket bat when he was 10. My dad got kicked in the face with a football boot at a similar age. His front tooth turned yellow and he wouldn't go to a dentist as he was scared of it being taken out . Had it for life and never visited a dentist other than in navy. Never had teeth problems. Unlike me who needs a filling after drinking a can of coke

[Tj hooker]

9 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...fallen asleep somewhere in public?

Yep after a night out in Birmingham we were training at Lichfield and I got the last train back missed the  stop at Lichfield and ended back at Birmingham new street had to get a taxi back to the barracks 

[Bjornebye]

4 hours ago, Fowlers God said:

I’ve been hit over the head with a cricket bat. My mum and dads road was/is split in two with a massive Green area that was approximately 4 foo*ball pitches long and x2 wide. 
 

we basically had our own oval with boundaries etc. 

 

We would play out all day; this day it got too

late and was too dark to see the ball. We therefore decided to switch to quick cricket with a tennis ball as it was much safer. 
 

my mate was in bat and I was wicket keeper. The first ball came down leg side and I could just about make out the flight of the ball. My mate in mate ferociously swung for the ball and as I stepped forward to collect the ball I walked straight into the toe of the bat and my head split open. 

Poor cricket bat Dan. You've got a head from Easter Island 

[Remmie]

6 hours ago, Tony Moanero said:

I used to have a chamber pot when we only had a downstairs toilet. First night in a holiday cottage, I got rat-arsed, ate pie and chips in bed and fell alseep. My wife woke up to the sound of running water, as she thought, only to find me urinating in the corner of the room. I was convinced I was doing the deed in my piss pot, but hadn’t packed it in my suitcase.

Fuck me a chamber pot??? Your dedication to days of yore is a bit over the top T, you shoulda been born Amish

[Carvalho Diablo]

Have you ever...performed on stage for money?

[tokyojoe]

9 hours ago, Elite said:

Anyone ever pissed in someone's house and I don't mean by using the toilet?

I was walking home from a pub once. Got caught short and shat in someomes front garden.

 

Fortunately it was dark.

[tokyojoe]

When I lived with my parents I pissed in my bedroom wardrobe on more than one occasion.

[littletedwest]

6 minutes ago, tokyojoe said:

When I lived with my parents I pissed in my bedroom wardrobe on more than one occasion.

First time I got caught boozing as a kid I slept walked and tried piss in my dads wardrobe. One of my mates dad's pissed on their video recorder sleep walking 

[easytoslip]

8 hours ago, tokyojoe said:

I was walking home from a pub once. Got caught short and shat in someomes front garden.

 

Fortunately it was dark.

My mate done that but he was on his way out when all of a sudden he had to go, he jumped over into a garden full of bushes and as he crouched down with an exploding arse a dog came bounding over amd knocked him sideways with the owner in pursuit shouting. 

He quickly pulled his kecks up covered in shite and got away but obviously didnt get to go out. Ive mentioned that before i think. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

21 hours ago, stringvest said:

falling asleep in a pub is deadly, because you become the base for human buckaroo

Yeah. I nodded off in a crowded pub in Warrington when I was out with my mates once. They saw I was asleep and fucked off to the other side of the pub, so a load of strangers filled the vacated seats around me. That was disconcerting and disorienting when I woke up.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

20 hours ago, Elite said:

Anyone ever pissed in someone's house and I don't mean by using the toilet?

Not in someone's house, but there was one time in a hotel in Barcelona (coincidentally, a night that started with discovering what mojitos are) that I woke up pissing, standing by the side of my bed.

[Rico1304]

I pissed in another hotel room the other week.  Got lost and couldn’t find the bathroom. Luckily pissed on my brothers clothes with just a bit on my hoody.  

[Juniper]

13 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...performed on stage for money?

Most weekends.

 

Currently aching to fuck from last nights gig.

[Harry's Lad]

13 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...performed on stage for money?

I used to DJ a very long time ago if that counts.

[stringvest]

13 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...performed on stage for money?

Yes, loads. Not loads of money, mind.