Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.

[tokyojoe]

8 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Yes. Cupid’s in Swinton is eye opening but also inadvertently ended up in one. 

Had to be you didn't it?

[Bjornebye]

1 hour ago, tokyojoe said:

Had to be you didn't it?

I’m the semi handsome one 

[Total Longo]

On 27/11/2021 at 02:57, jonnyp said:

Prison experience for me was from when I played a lot of rugby when I was younger.
 

The league we were in had a game against a maximum security prison team in the north east somewhere. I remember as a young fella what a sobering experience the whole episode was, from having to get all your details checked out by the government, far in advance of the game, being searched, then the reality of the numerous checks as each iron barred gate opened, closed loudly and locked behind you.

 

A real weird atmosphere and briefing on what to expect, what-if scenarios etc., before finally getting escorted out on to the pitch, which was double fenced all the way round, in the middle of prison. From the cells ‘fortunate’ enough to have a pitch side view, there were prisoners faces screaming dogs abuse from the barred windows! 
 

The pitch itself was pristine, but the shock of seeing there were overhead wires to prevent helicopters dropping in for rescue attempts, was soon replaced by the horror of seeing about 150 prisoners stood around the touch line.

 

So, the game kicks off and immediately it was clear that the overhead wires would restrict the kicking game and/or add to the excitement of the game, as the ball dropped straight back down with no territory gained.
 

Their team was mostly prisoners but with some guards in it too and we were obviously expecting some sort of Mean Machine script to unfold. Motivating comments from the crowd of “rip his fucking throat out”, and “you look good in those shorts son”, meant the full width of the pitch wasn’t utilised that frequently.

 

To this date, I would say that this was the physically hardest but fairest game I’ve ever played in, with zero foul play. One of the guards who played explained to us afterwards when we mentioned it, that it was because if any prisoner crossed a line, they would lose their hard gained privileges for themselves and the whole team. So, in short it gave them a ‘fair’ outlet for their anger and frustration, a break from prison routine, as well as better facilities and food.

 

A great game, both teams played well and it finished as a good scoring respectable draw, but when the final whistle blew, there was a pitch invasion! I figured it was literally my end of game, as prisoners swamped us all, but to my great relief and then joy, they were all patting us on the back and saying things like “Thanks for coming here lads”, “Thanks for coming to play”, “Really appreciate you coming”. A humbling and rewarding feeling.

 

Again one of the guards later explained, that many of the teams they were drawn against would forgoe the game and points, so they’d train without getting a game. The more trusted prisoners didn’t get their two hours standing round a pitch for entertainment and the rest of the prisoners didn’t get their break in routine and probably no opportunity to gamble.

 

The after beers session in the officers mess was also the strangest after game drinks I’ve been to, as the opposing team wasn’t there to get pissed with, save for 3 or 4 guards.

 

Full rollercoaster of emotions that day, and certainly both an eye opener and deterrent to ending up in somewhere like that.

 

Full confession, i've never played rugby in my life. I don't think it was even an option in my school in the 80's, it was footy in the winter and cricket in the summer. I assumed that was the case with schools in Liverpool, generally. It's never been a rugby city, has it? Loads of clubs on The Wirral and the obvious places like Widnes and St Helens. 

 

Deffo the woolest sport going. 

[YorkshireRed]

17 minutes ago, Total Longo said:

Full confession, i've never played rugby in my life. I don't think it was even an option in my school in the 80's, it was footy in the winter and cricket in the summer. I assumed that was the case with schools in Liverpool, generally. It's never been a rugby city, has it? Loads of clubs on The Wirral and the obvious places like Widnes and St Helens. 

 

Deffo the woolest sport going. 

I live in the Rugby League heartland. My dad was duty doctor at a local Rugby Union club, although this was mainly so he could escape my mother to drink and smoke on a Saturday afternoon. Like you though, I’ve never played a game of Rugby in my life. Unlike you, I had plenty of opportunities. I’m just a soft cunt. 

[Harry's Lad]

We played Rugby at our school. The pitch was nearly always waterlogged in places during winter and there was a lad who had a bad break to his leg when we were 11, lying in a freezing puddle screaming. Horrible.

Hated it then and hate it now.

[Captain Turdseye]

PE at our school would be rugby on the field if it was freezing & wet. If the weather was nice we’d get kept indoors in a boiling hot sports hall playing 5-a-side. 
 

My PE teacher was an absolute cunt. At one point I had my dad and my uncle in the headmaster’s office at school and my uncle was demanding to see the PE teacher so he could give him a slap. That was an interesting day. 

[Harry's Lad]

2 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

PE at our school would be rugby on the field if it was freezing & wet. If the weather was nice we’d get kept indoors in a boiling hot sports hall playing 5-a-side. 
 

My PE teacher was an absolute cunt. At one point I had my dad and my uncle in the headmaster’s office at school and my uncle was demanding to see the PE teacher so he could give him a slap. That was an interesting day. 

My PE teacher was a bully who enjoyed putting lads down and belittling them, he was also quick to administer what he called the slipper which was a hockey boot that left really bad bruising. A real cunt.

 

I left school officially in 1979, and about 15 years later, a mate had hired the squash court at the school. 

As we were walking in, he came walking out after a game. He looked at me as I glared at him and the conversation went like this.

 

I know you.

 

You should do, you saw my arse often enough.

 

I used to teach you. Who were the footballers in your year?.

 

I came out with some names.

 

Ah, now I know, you're ______________. You turned into a big lad didn't you.

 

Yeah, go and get your hockey boot now you bastard.

 

He shit himself and fucked off with me saying, yeah, thought so you fucking shithouse after him.

Bullying piece of shit.

 

[tokyojoe]

2 hours ago, Harry's Lad said:

My PE teacher was a bully who enjoyed putting lads down and belittling them, he was also quick to administer what he called the slipper which was a hockey boot that left really bad bruising. A real cunt.

 

I left school officially in 1979, and about 15 years later, a mate had hired the squash court at the school. 

As we were walking in, he came walking out after a game. He looked at me as I glared at him and the conversation went like this.

 

I know you.

 

You should do, you saw my arse often enough.

 

I used to teach you. Who were the footballers in your year?.

 

I came out with some names.

 

Ah, now I know, you're ______________. You turned into a big lad didn't you.

 

Yeah, go and get your hockey boot now you bastard.

 

He shit himself and fucked off with me saying, yeah, thought so you fucking shithouse after him.

Bullying piece of shit.

 

Reminds me of one of my ex PE 'teachers'. He fucking shit himself when he saw me a few years later on,

[A Red]

8 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

I’m the semi handsome one 

Not been to chams then? Errr.... my mate has

[Captain Willard]

23 minutes ago, A Red said:

Not been to chams then? Errr.... my mate has

I’d never heard of this place so I googled it. I then googled the reviewers and this lady, Jemma is a regular who gives it 5 stars. That’s 5 minutes of my life I’m never getting back. 

[Strontium]

4 minutes ago, Captain Willard said:

That’s 5 minutes of my life I’m never getting back. 

 

Would have thought you'd last longer than 5 minutes with her.

[VladimirIlyich]

21 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Yes. Cupid’s in Swinton is eye opening but also inadvertently ended up in one. 

I hope you made them wear condoms?

[Carvalho Diablo]

Have you ever...had a conversation with someone who's famous?

[YorkshireRed]

3 minutes ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...had a conversation with someone who's famous?

Chris Kamara once told me I’d never amount to anything in a public house urinal. 

[stringvest]

Just now, YorkshireRed said:

Chris Kamara once told me I’d never amount to anything in a public house urinal. 

so you put the bottle of jarg Kouros down and stormed out

[Carvalho Diablo]

Have you ever... purposely severed all ties to a family member?

[Carvalho Diablo]

10 minutes ago, stringvest said:

so you put the bottle of jarg Kouros down and stormed out

Hahaha

[Ken Robber]

31 minutes ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...had a conversation with someone who's famous?

I once got into an argument with DJ Khaled 

 

Two years ago I was working on a ship based out of Miami. It had a charter cruise that July called days of summer, it was basically a cruise that was hired out privately so Cardi B, Post Malone and a few other acts I don't like could do some sets and charge a fortune. 

 

The crew didn't have their regular duties that week, so I was asked to check passes and lanyards on the stairs below the backstage area. If they pushed past us, that's when these roided up chests working for Cardi B would fill them in. 

 

I'm checking passes and everything's going smoothly until this 30 stone bearded gammon tries to push past me. 

 

"Excuse me mate, have you got a pass to go up there?" 

 

"Don't need one, I'm an act" 

 

"Sound, but you still need to prove it" 

 

"Motherfucker, I'm DJ Khaled!" 

 

"Good for you, but put your fuckin' lanyard on" 

 

He continues swearing away until one of the security upstairs notices and let's him through. 

 

I'd never heard of him until then. He's this fella who does a lot of guest collabs with the likes of Justin Beiber. I just thought he was a taxi driver that had won big on the horses or something 

 

Anyway, he's a shitcunt

[VladimirIlyich]

9 minutes ago, Ken Robber said:

I once got into an argument with DJ Khaled 

 

Two years ago I was working on a ship based out of Miami. It had a charter cruise that July called days of summer, it was basically a cruise that was hired out privately so Cardi B, Post Malone and a few other acts I don't like could do some sets and charge a fortune. 

 

The crew didn't have their regular duties that week, so I was asked to check passes and lanyards on the stairs below the backstage area. If they pushed past us, that's when these roided up chests working for Cardi B would fill them in. 

 

I'm checking passes and everything's going smoothly until this 30 stone bearded gammon tries to push past me. 

 

"Excuse me mate, have you got a pass to go up there?" 

 

"Don't need one, I'm an act" 

 

"Sound, but you still need to prove it" 

 

"Motherfucker, I'm DJ Khaled!" 

 

"Good for you, but put your fuckin' lanyard on" 

 

He continues swearing away until one of the security upstairs notices and let's him through. 

 

I'd never heard of him until then. He's this fella who does a lot of guest collabs with the likes of Justin Beiber. I just thought he was a taxi driver that had won big on the horses or something 

 

Anyway, he's a shitcunt

I've never heard of any of those people other than Justin Beiber,but I'm glad Cardigans are popular once more.

[Total Longo]

2 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...had a conversation with someone who's famous?

Used to be reasonably pally in the mid 90's with a lad who was married to Steve Mcmanaman's sister, so i spoke to Steve on quite a few occasions. He was sound, and didn't used to over pronounce his consonants like he does nowadays. 

[Harry's Lad]

1 hour ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever... purposely severed all ties to a family member?

Not my immediate family or my in laws, but Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles and Cousins on both sides. All of them.

You choose your friends, you can't choose your family unfortunately.

 

[Captain Turdseye]

2 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...had a conversation with someone who's famous?

Got talking to Ricky Hatton years ago in the shit pub under the Adelphi. We were going to some boxing at the arena that night, which is why he was in town. He jokingly warned me after I nearly knocked his pint over and when we asked him his thoughts about the fight he called James DeGale a n***er. Turns out Hatton is a bellend. 
 

Snorted some coke in a pub in Woolton with Dave McCabe from The Zutons too. We were round the pool table for a bit and I thought he was a bellend as well. He’d probably say the same about me if he remembered. 
 

2 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever... purposely severed all ties to a family member?

Yeah, of course. I’m not talking to my mum or dad anymore. Not worth the aggro. 

[Bruce Spanner]

5 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Got talking to Ricky Hatton years ago in the shit pub under the Adelphi. We were going to some boxing at the arena that night, which is why he was in town. He jokingly warned me after I nearly knocked his pint over and when we asked him his thoughts about the fight he called James DeGale a n***er. Turns out Hatton is a bellend. 

Really?

 

Met him a few times and he’s always been great and I didn’t get those vibes off him at all.

 

His brother on the other hand is a world class bellend.

[Captain Turdseye]

4 minutes ago, Bruce Spanner said:

Really?

 

Met him a few times and he’s always been great and I didn’t get those vibes off him at all.

 

His brother on the other hand is a world class bellend.

That’s what he said mate. DeGale was fighting Paul Smith and he said “I hope Smigger knocks the n***er out”

 

He also said something derogatory about Amir Khan but I can’t remember his exact words. 

[Bruce Spanner]

2 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

That’s what he said mate. DeGale was fighting Paul Smith and he said “I hope Smigger knocks the n***er out”

 

He also said something derogatory about Amir Khan but I can’t remember his exact words. 

Eek, yeah, fuck him then!