Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.

[stringvest]

17 hours ago, manwiththestick said:

I gave resuscitation Annie the kiss of life, she was unresponsive.

Ha!  me too.  

[Strontium]

All this talk of dummies reminds me of

 

 

[TheBitch]

I once got attacked by a buzzard in a field and it was truly terrifying. 
I was reading my map trying to work out where my exit point was and looking towards the corners of the field to see if I could see a stile when I heard and felt this incredible WHOOSH inches from my ear, I looked up and less than 2m from my head was a set of talons on a fuck off big buzzard just hanging above me.
 

I. Fucking. Shit. 

 

But also did what any sane man in that position would do, I reached for my phone to try and get some photo evidence of this random attack and the big bastard fucked off, anyway I then slowly started walking off and was texting my mate about the attack when the sneaky, horrible, vicious, winged bastard sneaked up on me from behind and did exactly the same thing. 
 

The hairs on the back of my neck were on end and it was genuinely scary. I fucked my phone off then and got on my toes and the whole rest of the day I was on pins constantly looking round for a stealthy buzzard on the prowl. 
 

Buzzards. Cunts. 
 

My grandad told me he got knocked over by a buzzard once, he’s known for tall stories though, but my nan confirmed it as true. 

[Bjornebye]

13 minutes ago, TheBitch said:

I once got attacked by a buzzard in a field and it was truly terrifying. 
I was reading my map trying to work out where my exit point was and looking towards the corners of the field to see if I could see a stile when I heard and felt this incredible WHOOSH inches from my ear, I looked up and less than 2m from my head was a set of talons on a fuck off big buzzard just hanging above me.
 

I. Fucking. Shit. 

 

But also did what any sane man in that position would do, I reached for my phone to try and get some photo evidence of this random attack and the big bastard fucked off, anyway I then slowly started walking off and was texting my mate about the attack when the sneaky, horrible, vicious, winged bastard sneaked up on me from behind and did exactly the same thing. 
 

The hairs on the back of my neck were on end and it was genuinely scary. I fucked my phone off then and got on my toes and the whole rest of the day I was on pins constantly looking round for a stealthy buzzard on the prowl. 
 

Buzzards. Cunts. 
 

My grandad told me he got knocked over by a buzzard once, he’s known for tall stories though, but my nan confirmed it as true. 

I needed a laugh today and that’s delivered in waves. Pissing myself here I’d love to have seen all that unfolding 

[tokyojoe]

2 hours ago, Harry Squatter said:

Got attacked by some swans playing footy in Maghull. Our regular goalie couldn't be arsed turning up so I went in goal. Our team was cobbled together last minute and their team were top of the league by 20 points. So basically the first half was just non stop shots. 

 

Behind the goal was the canal, I tipped a shot over the bar and it went into the canal. Leant over to get the ball and about ten swans all charged up the canal to attack me. Pecking and biting me, I had goalie gloves on so managed to punch two in the body and they all squawked then dispersed. 

 

All their team were watching and laughing their heads off then one of their people on the line walked over all smug with a pole and a net on it saying "you might need this next time, some fella got his arm broken by the swans a few weeks back". It must be a rite of passage for the opposition keeper.

 

Turned round to see the swans attacking some fella who had set up to fish next to the canal. Proper psycho twats those swans. 

I didn't know swans could play football.

[Strontium]

1 minute ago, tokyojoe said:

I didn't know swans could play football.

 

Mainly on the wing.

[Harry Squatter]

3 minutes ago, tokyojoe said:

I didn't know swans could play football.

They were more useful that my defence. Some lad spewing up on the pitch, then deciding to lie down,  playing everyone onside for about 4 of their goals.

[TheBitch]

12 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

I needed a laugh today and that’s delivered in waves. Pissing myself here I’d love to have seen all that unfolding 

Mate it was scary as fuck, I thought a pterodactyl was hanging over me and I was looking around the whole rest of the day, I assume I was near its nest, the way the sneaky fucker disappeared around a load of trees and came back at me again was like something out of a horror film. 

[Bjornebye]

Just now, TheBitch said:

Mate it was scary as fuck, I thought a pterodactyl was hanging over me and I was looking around the whole rest of the day, I assume I was near its nest, the way the sneaky fucker disappeared around a load of trees and came back at me again was like something out of a horror film. 

Mate I’ve just googled what a buzzard looks like. I genuinely thought they were tiny like a Swallow. They look like right bastards! You’re lucky to be able to tell the tale 

[YorkshireRed]

24 minutes ago, tokyojoe said:

I didn't know swans could play football.

A friend of mine is ex Leeds, Plymouth, Hull, Port Vale and one or two other clubs player Peter Swan. 
 

He had a great touch for a big man, could definitely play. 

[Furmedge]

On 13/11/2021 at 12:38, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...won a competition?

You're looking at Mr Majorca 1982.  I was three at the time and won a toy fire engine.  Bitches were all over me.

[YorkshireRed]

1 minute ago, Furmedge said:

Bitches were all over me.

@TheBitch can you confirm this?

[Furmedge]

On 14/11/2021 at 01:19, Shitty Arse said:

Has anyone ever shit themselves in public?

Far too many times to recall, but I did once charge down a free kick at f**tball and the power of the shot punched my leg back and I shat myself.  At half time I lashed my undies away and wiped my arse with a dock leaf.  The beautiful game.

[TheBitch]

19 minutes ago, YorkshireRed said:

@TheBitch can you confirm this?

I would be all over Mr Majorca ‘82, like white on rice, given half a chance. 

[Furmedge]

On 20/11/2021 at 10:41, Carvalho Diablo said:

Have you ever...fallen asleep somewhere in public?

Fell asleep on the train pissed and was woken by some teenager taking photo's of me to send to his mates no doubt.  Demanded his phone off him and told him I'd kick the shit out of him.  I was roundly boo'd by fellow passengers and told them all to fuck off before pin balling my way off the train.

 

At the wrong stop.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

On 25/11/2021 at 14:08, Strontium Dog™ said:

 

Funny.

 

Ex-Liverpool councillor Frank Doran had the right idea with problem dogs. The neighbour's little shits were barking all night, every night, so he laced some meat with industrial strength laxative and fed it to them, leading the owners to take them for a last trip to the vets. Result, no more barking.

Yeah...  he sounds like he wants his bollocks stomping into a pâté for that.

[Furmedge]

On 22/11/2021 at 21:59, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...thrown up on someone.

My time to shine.

 

Been working in Motherwell and on the morning we were leaving I was feeling a little off but put it down to the Indian restaurant the night before that our clients had paid for in way of saying thanks for our work.  My colleagues were all scoffing breakfast in the hotel but I left it, and as the final morning in the office wore on I could feel my stomach doing knots.

 

Onto the train ride home and something is wrong, particularly around Carlisle and was visiting the toilet regularly to take a shit or trying to make myself vomit in a last ditch attempt to stop myself feeling so ill.  By Preston I'm sweating profusely and annoyed by the gang of Cockneys who had been on the same journey who were now pissed and had party food on their tables, and the smell was knocking me sick.  They were all suited and booted, and having those conversations that nobody wanted to hear, but they were screaming at each other so that people could be jealous of how fucking important they thought they were.

 

Anyway, I'm getting off at Wigan to catch the connecting train to Lime Street so my work mates and I are all stood up with our bags and I tell a mate of mine to hold onto my stuff for me because I think I'm going to spew with the motion sickness being added to my I presume food poisoning.

 

As I head towards the toilet I can feel the vomit rise from my stomach and shoot into my mouth, but heroically I manage to stop it from seeping out onto our aforementioned London friends and cover my mouth with my hands.  My body decides to launch another gallon of spew from the depths of my stomach and it fucking goes everywhere, jetting from my mouth and between my fingers in a hose type fashion, spraying the Cockneys, their food, laptops, mobile phones and stops the 'bantz' dead.

 

I just look at them, repeatedly saying sorry and being ushered away by a mate before I'm knocked out cold by two burly southerners.  I jump off the train at the other end and my mate who's carrying my bag starts running towards me shouting, 'Look at their fucking faces!!!' and as I turn back towards the train there's a table of Londoner's staring at me in shock.  I gave them a thumbs up to let them know I was okay.

 

Spent the rest of the day in bed wishing I was dead.

[TheHowieLama]

Quality.

[Carvalho Diablo]

12 minutes ago, Furmedge said:

My time to shine.

 

Been working in Motherwell and on the morning we were leaving I was feeling a little off but put it down to the Indian restaurant the night before that our clients had paid for in way of saying thanks for our work.  My colleagues were all scoffing breakfast in the hotel but I left it, and as the final morning in the office wore on I could feel my stomach doing knots.

 

Onto the train ride home and something is wrong, particularly around Carlisle and was visiting the toilet regularly to take a shit or trying to make myself vomit in a last ditch attempt to stop myself feeling so ill.  By Preston I'm sweating profusely and annoyed by the gang of Cockneys who had been on the same journey who were now pissed and had party food on their tables, and the smell was knocking me sick.  They were all suited and booted, and having those conversations that nobody wanted to hear, but they were screaming at each other so that people could be jealous of how fucking important they thought they were.

 

Anyway, I'm getting off at Wigan to catch the connecting train to Lime Street so my work mates and I are all stood up with our bags and I tell a mate of mine to hold onto my stuff for me because I think I'm going to spew with the motion sickness being added to my I presume food poisoning.

 

As I head towards the toilet I can feel the vomit rise from my stomach and shoot into my mouth, but heroically I manage to stop it from seeping out onto our aforementioned London friends and cover my mouth with my hands.  My body decides to launch another gallon of spew from the depths of my stomach and it fucking goes everywhere, jetting from my mouth and between my fingers in a hose type fashion, spraying the Cockneys, their food, laptops, mobile phones and stops the 'bantz' dead.

 

I just look at them, repeatedly saying sorry and being ushered away by a mate before I'm knocked out cold by two burly southerners.  I jump off the train at the other end and my mate who's carrying my bag starts running towards me shouting, 'Look at their fucking faces!!!' and as I turn back towards the train there's a table of Londoner's staring at me in shock.  I gave them a thumbs up to let them know I was okay.

 

Spent the rest of the day in bed wishing I was dead.

Hahaha

[Bruce Spanner]

Anyone ever blagged a job?

[Carradona]

22 hours ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

Awesome. This thread is class.

It's right up there with Stig's latest poll about the 10 greatest movie poo scenes.

[RJ Fan club]

3 hours ago, TheBitch said:

I once got attacked by a buzzard in a field and it was truly terrifying. 
I was reading my map trying to work out where my exit point was and looking towards the corners of the field to see if I could see a stile when I heard and felt this incredible WHOOSH inches from my ear, I looked up and less than 2m from my head was a set of talons on a fuck off big buzzard just hanging above me.
 

I. Fucking. Shit. 

 

But also did what any sane man in that position would do, I reached for my phone to try and get some photo evidence of this random attack and the big bastard fucked off, anyway I then slowly started walking off and was texting my mate about the attack when the sneaky, horrible, vicious, winged bastard sneaked up on me from behind and did exactly the same thing. 
 

The hairs on the back of my neck were on end and it was genuinely scary. I fucked my phone off then and got on my toes and the whole rest of the day I was on pins constantly looking round for a stealthy buzzard on the prowl. 
 

Buzzards. Cunts. 
 

My grandad told me he got knocked over by a buzzard once, he’s known for tall stories though, but my nan confirmed it as true. 

You were probably quite close to it’s nest.

 

Barn owl once swooped 2ft above me as I walked in a barn (well of sorts) on the South Downs, hands down the most impressive wild creature I’ve ever seen in close quarters. And I include Red Deer, Whales and Crocs in that  

[Bjornebye]

21 minutes ago, Carradona said:

It's right up there with Stig's latest poll about the 10 greatest movie poo scenes.

Trainspotting would walk that surely 

[Strontium]

26 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Trainspotting would walk that surely 

 

Well it probably wouldn't be Pink Flamingos.

[Evelyn Tentions]

Australian magpies have got to be about the most aggressive bird in the world. During the breeding  season they get incredibly aggressive and swoop from behind. The first thing you hear is the clacking of the beak as they zoom past your ear. People use 2 L ice cream containers with eyes drawn on each side or caps with cable ties sticking out in all directions to try to deter the bastards, not always successfully. When I was at Uni in armidale the various departments had stacks of the ice cream container hats for people to wear going from one building to another. Some people get injured every year and particularly aggressive ones are occasionally a shot by the police.