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Has any one ever...? Tell us about it.


Carvalho Diablo
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2 minutes ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

 

Care to elaborate any Remmie?

I was scuba diving near Maya Bay in Thailand. I also saw a turtle. The shark was about 6 foot so not a particularly dangerous one. 

 

The hot air balloon was with my wife for her birthday, we saw Milton Keynes from the air. I can already feel the envy. 

 

The 3 pocket story is too racy for this forum. 

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1 hour ago, RJ Fan club said:

I visited several prisons for work reasons. The work reason wasn’t being caught. One prison was/is listed so they needed consent to change the slates and do fire precaution works, the other was a minor thing. 

 

Prisoners were moved away and I didn’t meet any. On one occasion  the guy from the Home Office was a macho prick, the eye rolling of the Prison Officers confirmed this. 

My work experience at Peterhead had us just walking around the inmates as they got on with their day, chatting with - or I guess more appropriately at us.

 

we had to survey a dozen cells and measure them up, monitor light levels, and then tape up blackout blinds to monitor artificial light.

 

We couldn’t do that on one wing cause all the windows were at ceiling level and we couldn’t have steps with us til the next day, so we got onto another wing and went to tape up, only to realise we’d left the role of gaffa tape behind in a fell we left a couple of hours earlier, and which housed a fella who regularly takes the guards hostage. That went down well.

 

The whole experience was pretty nuts. Half way through the second day there we’d almost run out of tape, so rather than tuck into prisoner made jam butties, I nipped out at lunchtime to b&q round the corner for another role. Came back, set off the metal alarm with my b&q bag coming back in, fella on reception just waved me through and away I headed, unescorted back to where I’d left everyone.

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7 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been in prison?

Like Rico I've been in Walton to take an entrance exam passed it but failed the final interview grim as fuck , funny as well as we were leaving the exam room inside the prison I might add,   they counted us out as if one of us might want to stick around 

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1 minute ago, Tj hooker said:

Like Rico I've been in Walton to take an entrance exam passed it but failed the final interview grim as fuck , funny as well as we were leaving the exam room inside the prison I might add,   they counted us out as if one of us might want to stick around 

Haha “what are you in for?” “Err .. a laugh?” 

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7 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...swam with sharks?

It’s what I love most about diving. 
 

Black tip /white tip /grey reef sharks. 
Whale sharks. 
Leopard sharks are pretty cool. 
 

Swam through a cave in Burma less than a foot away from 3 nurse sharks sleeping. They were pretty big. 
 

Fucking love sharks. 
 

I want to go to Egypt and dive with hammerheads and the Bahamas for Tiger sharks and whatever other sharks the Bahamas can throw at me. 
 

¡Sharks!

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20 minutes ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

My work experience at Peterhead had us just walking around the inmates as they got on with their day, chatting with - or I guess more appropriately at us.

 

we had to survey a dozen cells and measure them up, monitor light levels, and then tape up blackout blinds to monitor artificial light.

 

We couldn’t do that on one wing cause all the windows were at ceiling level and we couldn’t have steps with us til the next day, so we got onto another wing and went to tape up, only to realise we’d left the role of gaffa tape behind in a fell we left a couple of hours earlier, and which housed a fella who regularly takes the guards hostage. That went down well.

 

The whole experience was pretty nuts. Half way through the second day there we’d almost run out of tape, so rather than tuck into prisoner made jam butties, I nipped out at lunchtime to b&q round the corner for another role. Came back, set off the metal alarm with my b&q bag coming back in, fella on reception just waved me through and away I headed, unescorted back to where I’d left everyone.

I went into Lewes Prison.
 

We walked around the outside spaces, they wouldn’t grant us access to the roof and refused scaffold/a cherry picker, so we surveyed the roof from the ground and they sent us an old state, which is the equivalent of kicking your tyres to see if it’s got enough air in, then send you any old burst inner tube weeks later.

 

then we toured a wing when locked down to look at fire alarm cables and trunking we were getting taken out. 

 

a totally pointless waste of all our time, pretty much.

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1 hour ago, Remmie said:

I've scuba'd about 20 metres from a single shark, does that count? Also hot air ballooned. I think I might have worn some shorts with a back pocket once. 

 

All mad stories I'm sure you'll agree. 

 

Has anyone ever hit someone in the head with some type of bat/knuckle duster? 

If when you were a kid counts, yes.

 

There was a lad who lived by us who was a bit older than me and a bully. He jumped me from behind a few times. I was only about 9, he was about 11 and a lot bigger.

 

Anyway, we were playing cricket one day not long after he jumped me and he walked past, so he got it. Broke my bat on the bastard, but it was only a cheap kids one luckily for him.

And me more than likely.

 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been in a burning building?

Well thanks for asking, I have been, yes.

 

I had this 1st floor flat, some 20 odd years ago. Opposite my flat was one other, some little old fella called Timmy lived there. Timmy was a housebound pensioner, quiet as a mouse, only ever saw him once or twice and he was skin and bones, looked about 100 years old.

 

Anyway, it was May / early June, early on a Sunday morning and I'd been out on the piss until the early hours, so I was in the midst of a fitful drunken sleep, when I was jolted awake by a loud bang.

 

Initially I thought that in my sleep deprived and drunken state I'd just imagined it so I closed my eyes and prepared to go back to sleep... however, that little voice in the back of my mind prompted me to go and investigate.

 

Even though it was only 5am it was already daylight and when I walked into the passageway towards my semi-glazed front door, I was taken by the unnatural black and orange coming in through the dappled glass. Then I opened the door...

 

I was hit by a blast of heat, flames and smoke were consuming the hallway ceiling and stairwell, old Timmy was laying by my front door. I lifted poor Timmy up and took him inside whilst I phoned the fire brigade, then I drenched a couple of towels in cold water and put them over our heads and hoisted Timmy up over my shoulder before I opened the door and legged it through the flames and down 2 flights of stairs, out the front door of the building and to the relative safety of the front garden.

 

They fire brigade arrived quickly and neighbours came out to give us some water and to tend to old Timmy.

 

It turned out that poor old Timmy had dementia and he'd put a plastic electric kettle onto a gas hob, it had melted and the fire had started that way. Timmy went to live in an old folk's home where he died peacefully shortly thereafter. The local paper called me "brave" and an "heroic neighbour". The local council gave me a £40 grant to buy new wallpaper, paint and cleaning products to eradicate the da!mage caused by the fire !

 

That loud bang I'd heard which had roused me from my slumber had actually been Timmy falling against my front door. Inadvertently I guess, we both saved each others lives that day.

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3 hours ago, Remmie said:

I've scuba'd about 20 metres from a single shark, does that count? Also hot air ballooned. I think I might have worn some shorts with a back pocket once. 

 

All mad stories I'm sure you'll agree. 

 

Has anyone ever hit someone in the head with some type of bat/knuckle duster? 

Does a Mezcal bottle count? Not so much over the head as jabbed in the eye like you'd use a fire extinguisher. bottle survived, I'm glad to say.

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7 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Well thanks for asking, I have been, yes.

 

I had this 1st floor flat, some 20 odd years ago. Opposite my flat was one other, some little old fella called Timmy lived there. Timmy was a housebound pensioner, quiet as a mouse, only ever saw him once or twice and he was skin and bones, looked about 100 years old.

 

Anyway, it was May / early June, early on a Sunday morning and I'd been out on the piss until the early hours, so I was in the midst of a fitful drunken sleep, when I was jolted awake by a loud bang.

 

Initially I thought that in my sleep deprived and drunken state I'd just imagined it so I closed my eyes and prepared to go back to sleep... however, that little voice in the back of my mind prompted me to go and investigate.

 

Even though it was only 5am it was already daylight and when I walked into the passageway towards my semi-glazed front door, I was taken by the unnatural black and orange coming in through the dappled glass. Then I opened the door...

 

I was hit by a blast of heat, flames and smoke were consuming the hallway ceiling and stairwell, old Timmy was laying by my front door. I lifted poor Timmy up and took him inside whilst I phoned the fire brigade, then I drenched a couple of towels in cold water and put them over our heads and hoisted Timmy up over my shoulder before I opened the door and legged it through the flames and down 2 flights of stairs, out the front door of the building and to the relative safety of the front garden.

 

They fire brigade arrived quickly and neighbours came out to give us some water and to tend to old Timmy.

 

It turned out that poor old Timmy had dementia and he'd put a plastic electric kettle onto a gas hob, it had melted and the fire had started that way. Timmy went to live in an old folk's home where he died peacefully shortly thereafter. The local paper called me "brave" and an "heroic neighbour". The local council gave me a £40 grant to buy new wallpaper, paint and cleaning products to eradicate the da!mage caused by the fire !

 

That loud bang I'd heard which had roused me from my slumber had actually been Timmy falling against my front door. Inadvertently I guess, we both saved each others lives that day.

Bloody hell, that’s a story! Poor old Timmy.

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8 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been in a burning building?

As a child I set fire (accidentally) to my mums kitchen once and on another occasion her kitchen and livingroom once.

As a responsible adult I've set fire (accidentally) to my own kitchen once and garden twice. 

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9 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Has anyone ever...been in a burning building?

The first house Mrs YorkshireRed and I shared was the second in a row of five terraced houses.
 

It was only a small house but was in a semi rural location with fields front and back. The other four houses were rentals and owned by a landlord who didn’t care much who lived in his properties as long as they paid. 
 

She had bought it some years before and I moved in with her when she decided I would be the one to ruin her life. 

 

The end house was rented by a youngish woman. She lived there with her dog.  Yes, you definitely would (the woman, not the dog). She was lovely but was ruining her life with a married guy who clearly saw her only as a ‘bit on the side’.

 

One afternoon I was home alone and I saw smoke coming past our front window. A quick check outside confirmed some form of fire in her house. At this point I had no idea whether she was in there or not so when she didn’t answer the door I called 999 and then went round the back to see if I could get in.

 

Her back door was actually open, never found out if that was her habit, but it certainly made me think she was home. I went in (me in burning house) but only got as far as opening her front room door, the thick black smoke made it impossible to get any further. 
 

Fortunately the fire brigade arrived and took over pretty quickly. She wasn’t home but her dog didn’t make it which was upsetting.
 

The fire had started in the front room due to a fault in the television. It’s highly likely that the daytime fire saved her and possibly prevented problems for us and our house as well. 
 

She moved in with her parents after the fire and never came back, even after the necessary repairs had been made.

 

Some total dickheads moved in a few months later but that’s another story. 
 

 

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1 hour ago, Melchett said:

As a child I set fire (accidentally) to my mums kitchen once and on another occasion her kitchen and livingroom once.

As a responsible adult I've set fire (accidentally) to my own kitchen once and garden twice. 

You look different to how I expected you would i real life 

 

image.jpg

 

 

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I've been to Scheveningen high security prison twice as a visitor to drop some books and chocolate and that off for a mate. It's full of warlords, international drug barons and war criminals. Still, it's just out of Den Haag so not too far of a travel. 

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-18084974

 

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/hague-hilton-the-jail-that-houses-some-of-the-world-s-most-notorious-warlords-1.544460

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2 minutes ago, cloggypop said:

I've been to Scheveningen high security prison twice as a visitor to drop some books and chocolate and that off for a mate. It's full of warlords, international drug barons and war criminals. Still, it's just out of Den Haag so not too far of a travel. 

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-18084974

 

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/hague-hilton-the-jail-that-houses-some-of-the-world-s-most-notorious-warlords-1.544460

Is that where Curtis Warren was when he stabbed that Turkish fella? 

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15 hours ago, Remmie said:

 

Has anyone ever hit someone in the head with some type of bat/knuckle duster? 

I have hit someone over the head with a cricket bat.

 

Rather unimpressively it was accidental. I was waiting to bat and just practising a few shots. One of my teammates stepped out in front of me and I played an exquisite pull shot on his skull. 

 

As far as I'm aware he's still alive.

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