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YorkshireRed

Resilience (The ability to bounce back)

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Life is tough at the moment for many people, it’s been tough for a while and it could get worse before it gets better. 
 

I suspect that more and more people who’d previously been able to ‘roll with the punches’ will start to find it harder to pick themselves up and carry on. Certainly not without help. 
 

Their resilience levels are low, the bucket is empty…

 

This thread isn’t posing a question, asking you to vote on anything or intending to stimulate debate. 
 

It’s just whatever you want it to be. 

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In the context of forthcoming parenthood, I've found myself thinking a lot about how resilient I am. The answer is "sometimes, not very".

 

I've been reading "The book you wish your parents had read and your children will be glad that you did", which is, simply put, about the emotional relationships we have with people and how they effect us and our children, friends and family. Simultaneously I've been dealing with a poor work/life balance and the same difficulties and frustrations that many of us face. Then two weeks ago I found that the roof of our two year old extension needs replacing (at no cost to me I hasten to add, thankfully!) and I just broke. I cried and I was angry, over a fucking roof!

 

The coincidence of this, the baby and the book I'm reading made me realise that I don't deal with frustration well, that I lose my temper more than I'd like and it made me wonder why. I don't have answers, I see a lot of my behaviours in my dad and know it's somewhat learned.

 

I've spoken briefly on here, and with a couple of excellent TLW'ers via PM, about a brief brush with anxiety and depression I've had over the last 2/3 years. I don't have particularly good coping mechanisms for stress and frustrations, I beat myself up about it. 

 

So, yeah, this is what you meant, right? I'm trying to be more resilient because I want to be a better husband and a decent father.

 

Also, cats in hats, drinking tequila.

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10 minutes ago, Karl_b said:

In the context of forthcoming parenthood, I've found myself thinking a lot about how resilient I am. The answer is "sometimes, not very".

 

I've been reading "The book you wish your parents had read and your children will be glad that you did", which is, simply put, about the emotional relationships we have with people and how they effect us and our children, friends and family. Simultaneously I've been dealing with a poor work/life balance and the same difficulties and frustrations that many of us face. Then two weeks ago I found that the roof of our two year old extension needs replacing (at no cost to me I hasten to add, thankfully!) and I just broke. I cried and I was angry, over a fucking roof!

 

The coincidence of this, the baby and the book I'm reading made me realise that I don't deal with frustration well, that I lose my temper more than I'd like and it made me wonder why. I don't have answers, I see a lot of my behaviours in my dad and know it's somewhat learned.

 

I've spoken briefly on here, and with a couple of excellent TLW'ers via PM, about a brief brush with anxiety and depression I've had over the last 2/3 years. I don't have particularly good coping mechanisms for stress and frustrations, I beat myself up about it. 

 

So, yeah, this is what you meant, right? I'm trying to be more resilient because I want to be a better husband and a decent father.

 

Also, cats in hats, drinking tequila.

This is mostly what I meant. Although a place just to vent or looking at cats drinking Tequila is fine as well.

 

Sounds like you’re getting some forum support which is great. 
 

Don’t beat yourself up about the kind of parent you think you need to be. I’m sure you’ll make mistakes along the way, we all do, but you clearly care and that’s a good place to start. If you allow these thoughts to dominate you then they will be counterproductive to what you want. 
 

One of the keys to resilience is ‘sense of purpose’. Parenthood may well end up being at least part of yours, so this should balance out some of the worries.

 

It really is the best thing, being a parent that is. 

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Not long after my divorce I spent best of two weeks sleeping in a coucil garage.

 

But I'm still here. Never, NEVER give up.

 

Any of you lot going through shit just keep believing.

 

You will get there!

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I think it's important not to fixate on trying to bounce back to a previous state. See it more as a bounce to a different place in time. The pace of change is far quicker than our forebears ever new. So we need a greater degree of plasticity to be able to adjust to the ever-changing contexts our lives are in. There is also little time to mourn our past selves, so maybe we're better going with the flow.

 

Unfortunately, I find this plasticity diminishes with age. Along with my tolerance for bullshit that has no apparent value or utility. I for one am embracing my grumpy side as it is crucial for filtering out the torrents of bullshit washing back and forth through my new-found chi, man. 

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No advice.

 

My brain feels like that scene from Jackass where they shoot the rubber bullets inside the squash court.

 

 

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14 minutes ago, cochyn said:

 

I think it's important not to fixate on trying to bounce back to a previous state. See it more as a bounce to a different place in time

 

I like this way of thinking about it. I guess it should be bouncing back from, rather than bouncing back to. As long as you get back to a better state, it might not necessarily be the original state. 

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1 hour ago, cochyn said:

I think it's important not to fixate on trying to bounce back to a previous state. See it more as a bounce to a different place in time. The pace of change is far quicker than our forebears ever new. So we need a greater degree of plasticity to be able to adjust to the ever-changing contexts our lives are in. There is also little time to mourn our past selves, so maybe we're better going with the flow.

 

Unfortunately, I find this plasticity diminishes with age. Along with my tolerance for bullshit that has no apparent value or utility. I for one am embracing my grumpy side as it is crucial for filtering out the torrents of bullshit washing back and forth through my new-found chi, man. 

 

Spot on that.

 

I had a massive wobbler in 2014 or so, I'm not as carefree as I was before it but in other ways I'm better, such as not putting up with shit. I don't bother with people I don't like any more, and don't do things I don't want to do (within reason).

 

Tokyjoe is spot on, you never know how things will change in the future.

 

There's a lot of grim shit going on but I was thinking a while back, think of all those fellas in America in the 50s with good jobs, good cars, living in a world and a country that was on the up, yet 10 years earlier they were all in fox holes in Bastogne or some shit.

 

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