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Premier League Round Up (Aug 13-15 2021)

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What a great weekend that was. Great games, great atmospheres, great goals, just great fun. Fans were back, VAR was nowhere to be seen and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Except Arsenal.

 

It all kicked off on Friday night in predictable style with the Gunners embarrassing themselves and infuriating their fans. They were shite but Brentford were really good and it was fucking boss seeing a passionate crowd like that kicking off the new season.

 

Brilliant atmosphere, the new stadium was absolutely bouncing and it was just a perfect start for them. It seems like a real family club and they all seemed to know each other. The video of the little kid celebrating with the manager and players as they did the lap of honour was class.

 

Their fans gave Saka a standing ovation when he came on too. Very decent of them. They may well replace Leeds as the neutrals favourites now that fans are back in and everyone quickly remembers why they've always hated Leeds. More on that shortly.

 

Our former reserve player Sergi Canos opened the scoring with a well taken goal. Norgaard headed in the second after arsenal didn’t deal with a routine long throw. Carragher said that if there was one team he’d have picked to concede a goal like that it would be Arsenal, and he’s right. 

 

Spineless, soft, weak, pathetic. This is who Arsenal are and have been for several years. I’ve said it a lot over the last few years but it offends me how shit they are. It shouldn't, but it does. They disgust me.

 

Good for Brentford though. Their coach seems like a character and the way they do things is very interesting. Looking forward to watching them this season. So much more refreshing to have a team like these come up instead of one of the boring yo-yo cunts.

 

I’ll get United out of the way now and I’ll keep it brief. Obviously I didn’t watch it, you know the situation by now. If they lose I’ll watch the highlights, if they win avoid it like Gary Neville avoids saying anything negative about Saint Harry. If they draw? Yeah I’ll probably watch it.

 

But they smashed Leeds everywhere, just as they did last season. So yeah, not watching that. I know what happened as it was impossible to avoid Twitter’s collective circle jerk about Pogba’s four assists and rat face’s hat-trick. 

 

Proper hate that Fernandes prick. You know that Simpsons episode when Bart meets his ugly twin who has been living in the attic his whole life? I reckon Luis Suarez found Fernandes in his attic.

 

barthugo.jpeg

 

I was thinking though, how funny would it be if Leeds got relegated this year! Last year they were the neutrals favourite. Everyone loved them because of Bielsa and the entertaining way they play. It was easy to like them last year though because there were no Leeds fans there to remind us all why they've always been universally disliked.

 

They’re back now, with their Munich songs and “you let your country down” chants. There was fighting around Manchester too, although I’m not pointing the finger at Leeds fans for that because we all know what the mancs are like. Footy's been away for 18 months and as soon as it comes back you've got these two sets of knobheads embarrassing the game.

 

I’m not saying I want Leeds to go down or that I think they will, but I am saying it would be fucking hilarious if they did and even funnier that the one good season they had after so long in the Championship was when no-one was there to see it.

 

Not happy about the beard my boy Bamford is sporting either. Doesn’t suit him one little bit. It doesn’t unsettle me as much as Klopp with no glasses, but it’s another change I’m not comfortable with.

 

I’ve paid so little attention to footy over the summer that I’d completely forgotten that Watford had been promoted. I knew Norwich and Brentford had come up but for the life of me I couldn’t remember the third one and for some reason I thought it was West Brom, who of course had actually gone in the other direction.

 

So I’m driving on Saturday with the radio on and they say Watford are 2-0 up against Aston Villa and it caught me right off guard. I must have known they were promoted but that information will have gone into my brain and then slipped out again more or less immediately. It’s an age thing, or maybe it’s a me thing. Happens a lot, I forget all sorts these days.

 

I think my brain has just reached it’s capacity and for any new info to go in there, something else has to go to make way for it. 

 

Anyway, Watford. Yeah they were good and I’m a bit surprised at how disappointing Villa were. I know Grealish was their talisman but they’ve spent well this summer and I expected a response from them. Instead they looked like they were feeling sorry for themselves.

 

To be fair, they had Ashley Young playing in the role normally filled by Grealish and that’s enough to make anyone feel down in the dumps. I had no idea he was even still playing, let alone back in the Premier League.

 

No idea who half of those Watford players are but some of them are left over from the last time they were in the top flight. Including Sadio’s boy, Ismaila Sarr who was running Villa ragged in the first half. He made the first for Emanuel Dennis and scored the second himself with the aid of a massive deflection off Mings. 

 

Watford’s pace on the counter was just too much for Villa and substitute Hernandez hit a screamer on his debut to make it 3-0. Goal of the day that one.

 

Villa were so bad that Danny Ings must have thought he was still at Southampton. They pulled one back with a terrific finish by McGinn and then Ings converted a penalty with virtually the last kick of the game, but Watford were good value for the points.

 

Did you know my boy Troy is still there? I didn't. I could have sworn he left when they got relegated. They’ve still got Tom Cleverleh in there too which leads me to think they’re going straight back down.

 

Disappointing start for Everton as Rafa pooped their party by winning against Southampton. New boy Adam Armstrong had given the Saints an early lead when he took advantage of some slack play by the perennially slack Michael Keane to lash home emphatically. He looks very similar to Ings in style. Will be interesting to see how he does this year as Southampton’s survival hopes probably depend on him not being a flop.

 

The Goodison crowd were like pigs in shit at half time, booing their little black empty hearts out. Full time would have been great if it had stayed that way but they hit back with three second half goals to get Rafa off to a winning start.

 

Sorry, I meant Rafael. Old habits die hard. I keep calling him Rafa but apparently it’s Rafael now. They don’t like ‘Rafa’ as ‘Rafa’ was a Kopite, but ‘Rafael’ is THEIR manager. Think I’m taking the piss? I’m not. This is actually a thing. So much so that Grand Old Team have set their autocorrect to change ‘Rafa’ to ‘Rafael’ whenever anyone types it. Honestly they’re fucking batshit mental across the park.

 

So are Crystal Palace though. Patrick Vieira? Do me a favour. What the fuck has he done to convince anyone he will make a good top flight manager? He has no worthwhile track record to speak of and whenever he’s on telly as a pundit he makes me want to snoo…. sorry, even thinking about his punditry sent me to sleep for a second there. What was I saying? Yeah, Vieira, he’s so dull as soon as he starts talking it makes you want to fall asle….  No, happened again. 

 

Palace lost 3-0 at Chelsea to kick their season off in predictable fashion. No shame in that of course, Chelsea are miles better than them and that’s a result you’d expect. Palace looked truly awful though and barely got near the Chelsea penalty area all day. 

 

It’s going to be fascinating to see what happens there because under Hodgson Palace at least had an identity. Everyone knew how they were going to play. Well organised, counter attacking, over reliance on Zaha, and they’d finish 14th. What are they going to be like now? Will Vieira try to change that? Is it even possible when it’s basically the same players.

 

I don’t see any way that works out well for him, or for Palace. This has got Frank de Boer written all over it and Hodgson will be back there in January trying to keep them up. If it’s not him it’ll be Allardyce. Hopefully for Zaha’s sake he’s got a relegation release clause in there as that’s the only way he’s ever getting out.

 

Good start for Chelsea though, who ominously still have Lukaku to come in. Alonso’s free kick set them on their way, Pulisic added a second and then Trevor Chalobah lashed one in on his debut to wrap things up. He didn’t even celebrate, he just dropped to his knees and burst out crying. Usually I’d annihilate someone for that, but I must be getting old as I thought it was a nice moment. Sorry.

 

You know what else was a nice moment? Jamie Vardy scoring for Leicester and then celebrating the return of fans by standing in front of the Wolves end and howling at them. Like a wolf. Get it? Right up there with the arm flapping Eagle celebration at Selhurst Park. I’m still laughing about this and it’s five days ago now. So fucking childish but it’s just great. Vardy is the absolute king of that shit. I love him.

 

He needs to score at Goodison and then start booing the Everton players and calling Rafa a fat waiter. Or maybe bring his youngest kid with him and pick a fight with an opposing player. Better yet, wipe a bogey in some random woman’s hair. Maybe he could throw on a pair of Lonsdale slips ons while he does it? Come on Jamie lad, you know it makes sense. 

 

That was the only goal of the game and a quality one it was too. Brilliant play by Ricardo to beat two men and get the cross in, and a lovely finish, getting in front of his marker and lashing it past *checks notes* Jose Sa, in the Wolves goal. Presumably Patricio has left then? 

 

I can see Wolves struggling a bit this year, unless Mendes has imported a new batch of boss Portuguese players, which is entirely possible. Hopefully for their sake anyone they've brought in does better than the mop haired kid they brought over last season.

 

I hope they go down just because of Conor Coady if I’m honest. Would love to see him relegated. Great to see Jiminez back though, and Traore looked electric right up until it came to his finishing, which was, let's be kind and say, a little off.

 

* I googled 'Wolves keeper'. As if I’m professional enough to take notes!

 

Burnley took a very early lead at home to Brighton but they still ended up losing. Tarkowski headed in from a corner but there was a VAR check and it looked initially like it would be ruled out. It should have been. They were so busy looking at a possible foul by Tarkowsi on Maupay they appear to have completely missed the blatant obstruction by the lad blocking off the keeper. You can’t do that shit. Well, Burnley can, it seems. They get away with this a lot.

 

Brighton bounced back in the second half and substitute Jakub Moder created the equaliser for Maupay with his first touch after coming on. Another sub, MacAllister, popped up with the winner. No sign of Lallana though, hope he’s not injured again.

 

I’d never heard of Moder but then an email dropped into my inbox this week informing me he’s the most handsome player in the Premier League and that science has proved it.

 

I get these emails from press agencies all the time but they’re usually about how Arsenal fans are the most unhappy with their team, Wolves hate VAR the most and Man City fans are the most embarrassing cunts on the planet (ok I did not get an email about that, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true). This one caught my eye because it was unusual.

 

Having skimmed through it though I’m not the wiser as to how they worked this out.

 

"Crowned the most attractive footballer in the Premier League is Jakub Moder, with a golden ratio percentage of 90.82% out of 100. The Polish footballer currently plays for Brighton and Hove Albion as a midfielder and made his Premier League debut in late February of this year (2021) after being signed to the team back in 2020.

 

Placing in second is Watford F.C.'s Kiko Femenía with a golden ratio of 90.40%, trailing just short of 0.5% behind Moder. Femenía has played for Watford F.C. as a defender since the 2017/18 season. 

 

The third ‘sexiest’ footballer is Philip Zinckernagel with a golden ratio of 89.75%. The Danish footballer is currently on a season loan to EFL Championship, Nottingham Forest from Watford F.C. Also in joint third, is Çaglar Söyüncü (89.75%) who plays for Leicester City as a defender.

 

Rounding off the top 5 most attractive players in the Premier league is another player from Watford F.C., Chilean pro footballer Francisco Sierralta with a golden ratio of 89.18% out of 100. 

 

Trending Footballers:

 

- Considering his reputation for general attractiveness, Jack Grealish who broke the British transfer record, has a ‘sexy’ golden ratio score of just 54.83% out of 582 footballers analysed.

 

- Chelsea’s Christian Pulisic just about made it to the top 20, placing 20th in the overall ranking (85.44%)"

 

I think the real question on everyone’s lips here is what did Harry Kane score? Is it possible to get a minus rating?

 

Good job Gini is no longer here as he’d have fucked their algorithms right up. “Hold on, I didn’t think it was possible for anything to be over 100%. How come this Dutch guy is showing up at 115%? Why is there smoke coming out of the computers? Get the boss on the phone, quick!!”.

 

God I miss that beautiful smile.

 

As for the list. What a load of bollocks. Check this out….

 

list.jpeg

 

Soyuncu looks like he was created by Pixar yet he’s in the top five. I’d only heard of nine players on that list, which is less than half. And how the fuck is Shane Duffy on there? Tell you what, if I’m Lewis Dunk, Harry Maguire or any other big hairy arsed centre half I’m demanding a recount there.

 

Burnley’s starting eleven was funny as fuck. Every season you look at their team and every season it’s exactly the same as the year before. And the year before that. And the year before that too. They never buy any players and i’s hilarious. It's one of the highlights of the opening weekend every year, looking at Burnley's starting eleven in absolutely wonderment. FSG must be wondering just how the fuck they can get away with it.

 

I see Graham Potter has grown a beard. It suits him. Makes him look less of a dork. I’m convinced the reason he didn’t get a serious look at any of the job vacancies in the Premier League this summer is because he doesn’t look ‘cool’ enough. He’s got too much of a school PE teacher vibe about him, which is unfair as I think he’s a fucking boss coach and would have been great for Spurs or Everton. They think they're too good for him, which they aren’t. Brighton might finish above both of them this season.

 

Newcastle and West Ham wasn’t a game that I had any great expectations of but it was actually really good. West Ham can be quite entertaining these days. I know "entertainment" and "Moyes" are not two words you usually put together but fair dues, the Hammers are decent to watch when Antonio is on his game.

 

Newcastle started like a fucking bat out of hell though. Another team buoyed by the return of their fans. The Geordies hate the owner and they don’t care much for the manager either, which must make it difficult to be fully up for games. They did a pretty good job of putting it aside during games pre-pandemic, and that continued in this one. 

 

It would though, first game back and all. We’ll see if they can stay behind the team as much as this when the ’novelty’ of being back wears off. The only set of fans who probably don’t want to be back are Arsenal as they know what’s coming. Most of them do anyway, you can’t legislate for the likes of Ty, who’d still be demanding people give Arsenal due respect if they had zero points on the board in April, because "you've got to give them time".

 

Newcastle led early through Callum Wilson’s close range header from a Saint-Maximin cross. That was so good. Saint-Maximin taunted and teased Declan Rice out wide and at one point looked like he was auditioning for the Riverdance. Then he skipped away from him and delivered the perfect cross. 

 

West Ham levelled in somewhat contentious circumstances as Cresswell’s cross eluded everyone to find the bottom corner. It looked like Soucek got something on it and Bowen was vulturing at the back post and was claiming he’d got the final touch.

 

The linesman flagged because Bowen was definitely offside and Soucek may have been too. VAR looked at it, decided that Soucek didn't get a touch and was onside, while Bowen was offside but touched it after it had crossed the line and wasn't interfering with play. So the goal stood. Correct decision although I wonder what they’d have done if Soucek had been off.

 

Newcastle responded well and regained their lead with a Murphy header from a Ritchie cross, but West Ham levelled again with a goal that was more or less identical. Antonio whipping in the cross and Benrahma getting on the end of it.

 

West Ham eventually got in front with a farcical penalty that was initially saved by the debutant keeper only for Soucek to pounce on the rebound. Then Antonio wrapped it up on the break.

 

Never a pen that, although it looked like one from Martin Atkinson’s position. That’s not his fault at all, but VAR needs to be overturning that as the lad clearly got the ball. That was the turning point in the game because it could have gone either way at that point.

 

Newcastle had some kid in goal because Dubravka is still out with a pride fracture after his calamity at the Euros and Darlow has been in a bad way with Covid. Typical that. Every other player that has had it has either had mild or no symptoms, but Darlow has to make a meal of it like he does with every routine save.

 

Saint-Maximin is brilliant, I love watching him. Bowen played well for the Hammers too. I don’t want us to sign him because he doesn’t score enough and every time I see him play he misses a one v one. He’s got a highly questionable hairline too. Not for me, Clive.

 

Finally, the big one. Spurs v City. The Harry Kane Derby. Except he wasn’t there, the piece of shit. Just when you think your opinion of him couldn’t get any lower, he plumbs new depths. We’ve had to stomach Gary Neville calling him a ‘footballing saint’ just because he trains hard and doesn’t drink. Yeah, that describes about 80% of all footballers these days, Gary. You're giving him credit for shit he's supposed to do.

 

Some ‘saint’ he is. First game of the new season, against the Champions, in a full stadium for the first time in 18 months and him and his big chin were nowhere to be seen. 

 

I saw it coming a mile off though. We were talking about this after we recorded the podcast on Saturday night and I said I didn’t think he’d play because it was an impossible situation for him.

 

The counter point to that was that he loves being the centre of attention and he loves the glory. This would have been all about him and he loves that, but I just felt that it wasn’t the kind of attention he’d want. If he played well and scored, it would complicate things with City and probably see Levy whack an extra twenty mil on his price tag. 

 

If he didn’t play well, Spurs fans would completely turn on him. Imagine if they got a pen and he missed it. Everyone would say he did it deliberately. Remember Gerrard playing against Chelsea and scoring an own goal while generally just having a stinker of a game? He didn’t deliberately play shite, but it’s really fucking hard when you’ve put yourself in that predicament.

 

This was not a favourable situation for ‘Saint’ Harry so he swerved it. One the one hand I think if he loved Spurs like he professes to he’d have gone out there and played his arse off, but on the other I don’t think him playing would have helped him or Spurs. For this game, they were definitely better off without him. If he doesn't play until the window is closed though, what a cunt.

 

As much as I enjoy laying into Kane, the biggest guilty party here is Man City. Kane would not have tried to force his way out of Spurs without already knowing there was concrete interest in him from a top four club. He knew we couldn’t afford him and he also knew Spurs would never sell him to Chelsea, so for him to have burned his bridges with Spurs the way he did when he did that interview with Neville on the golf course, he had to know one or both of the manc teams wanted him. 

 

Given that United haven’t made any kind of move, that tells us that City tapped him up and caused this whole fucking situation. Cunts.

 

Then you’ve got Baldiola lying through his teeth about “We could only spend £100m on Jack because we sold players for £60m”. Bullshit. They raised about £25m and he’s making those numbers up. Everyone knows it, although none of the assembled press had the balls to pull him up on it, as usual. The obvious follow up to that would have been, “even if that is true, and we all know it isn’t, how can you explain your continued pursuit of Harry Kane who will cost even more than Grealish?”

 

This whole situation sums up City and their blatant disregard for the rules that are in place. It’s funny in a way. You’ve got City, Kane and Levy, and it’s Levy who is clearly the one most neutrals are rooting for here. Imagine that. That shows you what massive cunts City and Kane are if Levy looks like the good guy.

 

The moment I first realised what a snide, self absorbed scumbag Harry Kane is was when he claimed that goal off Eriksen when everyone could see he didn’t touch it. He even swore on his little girl’s life he touched it.

 

Then he said he’d rather win the World Cup with England than the Premier League with Spurs. What kind of Spurs fan thinks like that? One who knows there’s more personal glory in lifting a World Cup, that's what. He’s a bad selfish prick and it’s scandalous that he’s largely escaped criticism for the way he’s carried on this summer.

 

Spurs fans seem to know the score though. They chanted “are you watching Harry Kane” as they beat City and the huge ovation and chant of “he’s one of our own” that Tanganga got when he was subbed late on also felt like a massive ‘fuck you’ to old slobber gob.

 

The absolute hammering Kane’s brother (also his agent) is getting on social media is funny as fuck too. Some of the comments are hilarious, but not as hilarious as the state of the man himself.

 

One of the lads posted this pic of him in a group chat and I thought someone had put Kane and James Maddison in one of those face swap apps. Look at him!!

 

charliekane.jpeg

 

The absolute obsessive hatred my mum has for Kane is impressive. Honestly, however much you might despise Harry Kane, it’s not even close to how she feels. She hates Kane so much that she didn’t even react when I rang her after the game and said “see your boy Son got the winner”. She completely ignored that (even though she hates Son as well) and went on a five minute tirade against Kane. 

 

When she was done with Kane she started on Grealish, another one she can’t stand because of his face, hair and socks. In hindsight, I should have recorded it all for the next podcast.

 

Grealish did fuck all but I think this is something we should get used to. He’ll have some flashes of brilliance but he isn’t going to make City any better than they are. In a different team he could be sensational, but not in that one. It’s a bad fit, just a complete flex move by City, throwing their financial muscle around.

 

I wasn’t the least bit surprised they lost on Sunday. After all, they lost the week before to Leicester and they lost their previous competitive game to Chelsea in the Champions League Final. They’re beatable, don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

 

I’m not dismissing City and I’m not saying they aren’t a good side. What I am saying is they are absolutely nowhere close to being the team people keep trying to tell us they are. They’re getting more hype now than when they were averaging 100 points a season. That was a fucking great team. This is just a very good one.

 

Spurs were impressive and deserved the win. Nuno got his tactics spot on and they were quite comfortable once they got through a difficult opening 15 minutes. 

 

They were helped by playing in front of a raucous full stadium, electrified by how pissed off they were about Kane and City’s pursuit of him. The Spurs fans were more up for this game than they will be for any other this season. The players were too.

 

Kane’s antics have said to them “I’m too good to play with you, I want to play with those lads over there”. The Spurs players looked massively fired up and they went out and won all of their individual battles.

 

I’ve said all along I can’t see any way Daniel Levy backs down and sells Kane so I think he’s stuck there for another season. In the short term that would be good for us, but in the long term it might not be if City went out and signed Mbappe or Haaland next summer instead.

 

I’m feeling so bullish about our chances at the moment I almost want City to go and spend stupid money on Kane, just so we can beat them - and him - to the title and then rub their noses in it.

 

Fuck Harry Kane and fuck Man City. Fuck Spurs too for that matter. Fuck everyone who isn’t us.

 

 

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Going to be tough besting that one , Dave , at least four 'spit tea out ' moments.

 

More strange however than any of the incidents you outline here is the fact that Chalobah's christian name is Trevoh not Trevor.

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21 hours ago, sir roger said:

Going to be tough besting that one , Dave , at least four 'spit tea out ' moments.

 

More strange however than any of the incidents you outline here is the fact that Chalobah's christian name is Trevoh not Trevor.

 

Really? Haha fucking hell. 

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22 hours ago, alles ist gut said:

“Fuck everyone that isn’t us” rep.

 

Also Rui Patricio pissed off to join Shitcoat at Roma.

Fair play to him. He gets to live in Rome instead of Wolverhampton.

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Surprised you didn’t mention the Burnley fans booing the players taking the knee Dave. It was loud and despite what Dyche said, came across as a majority. The only other PL fans who did any booing were Newcastle and it did seem like a minority there to be fair. Burnley really is The Land That Time Forgot. 

24809A7F-3EDC-4428-88D4-79FC62B50CC2.jpeg

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I’m sensing you don’t like Harry Kane. I’m indifferent myself, nowt wrong with seeing lifting the World Cup as the pinnacle though, that’s as it should be for any professional footballer. I get you hate England and all that yarbles, that’s a matter for yourself, but you’re losing the plot if you think there’s anything wrong with that one mate.

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On 20/08/2021 at 12:36, Vincent Vega said:

Surprised you didn’t mention the Burnley fans booing the players taking the knee Dave. It was loud and despite what Dyche said, came across as a majority. The only other PL fans who did any booing were Newcastle and it did seem like a minority there to be fair. Burnley really is The Land That Time Forgot. 

24809A7F-3EDC-4428-88D4-79FC62B50CC2.jpeg

 

Never noticed, and apparently they did it again today, which again I didn't get onto.

 

I did hear them singing some daft song to Robbo about Scotland being shite, and they booed Elliott because he spent a year on loan at Blackburn. Just the epitome of small time Brexit bastards.

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On 20/08/2021 at 18:49, Captain Howdy said:

I’m sensing you don’t like Harry Kane. I’m indifferent myself, nowt wrong with seeing lifting the World Cup as the pinnacle though, that’s as it should be for any professional footballer. I get you hate England and all that yarbles, that’s a matter for yourself, but you’re losing the plot if you think there’s anything wrong with that one mate.

 

Spurs haven't won anything significant in... I don't know, my lifetime I think. If I was a Spurs fan and our local legend / talisman / one of our own / etc said he'd rather win something with England than Spurs I'd be fucking hugely disappointed.

 

Slightly different if you're playing for a team that wins plenty, but thats not Spurs and Kane's all about his own individual glory.

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