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Colonel Kurtz

Things I can't do that seemingly everyone else can

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5 minutes ago, Doctor Troy said:

I hated DIY until I moved into my current house, everything seems to go wrong at some point in this house but I usually end up having to fix it. 

 

I had to build a large double wardrobe in a small box room in the middle of summer, hardest thing I've ever had to do as it was in such a confined space then lift it onto a corner piece. Done in at the end of it.

My first lesson was drill a pilot hole first. I went straight to the wall with the size I wanted and pushed the drill in, I ended up with a sheet of plaster spinning around my drill bit at a 1000 miles an hour and a huge space where I'd removed the top layer of plaster. I was only putting up a clothes hook.

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25 minutes ago, Doctor Troy said:

I hated DIY until I moved into my current house, everything seems to go wrong at some point in this house but I usually end up having to fix it. 

 

I had to build a large double wardrobe in a small box room in the middle of summer, hardest thing I've ever had to do as it was in such a confined space then lift it onto a corner piece. Done in at the end of it.


Bedroom over the stairs? 

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30 minutes ago, Bobby Hundreds said:

My first lesson was drill a pilot hole first. I went straight to the wall with the size I wanted and pushed the drill in, I ended up with a sheet of plaster spinning around my drill bit at a 1000 miles an hour and a huge space where I'd removed the top layer of plaster. I was only putting up a clothes hook.

I dont like drills at all.

 

My brother in law thinks he's a master diy guru. He decided to drill a load of holes in his living room wall and burst a pipe in the downstairs bathroom. 

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23 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Not necessarily something that everyone can do but I can't ice skate or ski. I've tried all types. I've had someone try to train me to water-ski who in his own words said in 30 years of water ski'ing and teaching you are the only person I've never been able to get up on the water. Went ski'ing 5 years ago, nah not for me, apres ski though..... Ice skating was a joke, some old lady (and I mean old she was late 70s) had to help me back to the side when I drifted into the middle of the rink. 

 

I think I just over-think it. 

I cannot ski at all. Went on a skiing holiday to Romania at Christmas in 2008, me and the Mrs booked it because it was a really good deal and neither of us had tried skiing.

 

Loved the holiday apart from the beginners skiing lessons. Just could not get the hang of it, falling over every 2 minutes and looking a twat. 

 

I gave up after 4 days because I actually woke up every morning dreading it when I should have been enjoying a well earned holiday. 

 

Spent the rest of the holiday relaxing, walking and going to the local town which was lovely. Just absolutely hated the skiing bit.

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3 hours ago, Stevom54 said:

I could never spot an online scammer. My luck changed when I met my bride to be. I say met, just waiting her flight to land from Nigeria  Happy days 

You have paid for the poor girl's air ticket haven't you?

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I've never admitted this to anyone but I cant dive into water. I have to either jump or walk in from the shallow end. My mrs doesnt know I cant dive and despite being able to do it well herself and having been on plenty of

holidays with her over the last 10 years, she's never noticed. I'm ashamed of myself.

 

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19 hours ago, MegadriveMan said:

Most embarrassingly I can't swim. 

I learned all the swimming I need when I grew up in Runcorn: if I fell into a canal I could get myself out.

 

I could never dive into a pool. I understand that the safest, least painful way to do it is to really commit to it, but there's no way my brain can convince my body that hurling yourself upside-down and head-first is ever a good idea. 

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2 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

I hated DIY until I moved into my current house, everything seems to go wrong at some point in this house but I usually end up having to fix it. 

 

I had to build a large double wardrobe in a small box room in the middle of summer, hardest thing I've ever had to do as it was in such a confined space then lift it onto a corner piece. Done in at the end of it.

 

Paulie's missus a bit of a slave driver then?

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4 hours ago, rb14 said:

Negged for appalling punctuation. 

Sexist AND homophobic. And that other one about gender reassignment. 

Racist. 

Show off.

The punctuation bit could be either a full stop or a comma,in my humble opinion,dependent on how it's said. All the rest of the complaints? You have me bang to rights.

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2 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

I dont like drills at all.

 

My brother in law thinks he's a master diy guru. He decided to drill a load of holes in his living room wall and burst a pipe in the downstairs bathroom. 

I drilled into a live cable during lockdown. A small bang and the fuse box tripped out. Hell of an adrenaline rush but I’m not sure I want to repeat the experience 

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3 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

Yep, total nightmare.


Hahaha

 

I had the same problem in my old place. Rang my ol fella and got him round to do it for me! 
 

Watching a skilled tradesman work and make it look piss easy is really enjoyable to watch. 
 

Dad was a glazier by trade although he’s retired now and not actually worked as a glazier for over 40 years. 
 

He had me round his a couple of years ago to help him put up a fuck off big new greenhouse for his tomatoes and stuff. 
 

Once we had the frame up I just watched in awe as he was putting in two paines of glass at a time and doing the putty on them left and right handed at the same time. 

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Having a wank with your left hand is challenging. My advice is to get someone else to do it. 

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2 hours ago, lifetime fan said:


Hahaha

 

I had the same problem in my old place. Rang my ol fella and got him round to do it for me! 
 

Watching a skilled tradesman work and make it look piss easy is really enjoyable to watch. 
 

Dad was a glazier by trade although he’s retired now and not actually worked as a glazier for over 40 years. 
 

He had me round his a couple of years ago to help him put up a fuck off big new greenhouse for his tomatoes and stuff. 
 

Once we had the frame up I just watched in awe as he was putting in two paines of glass at a time and doing the putty on them left and right handed at the same time. 

Watching someone plastering is mesmerising 

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6 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

I dont like drills at all.

 

My brother in law thinks he's a master diy guru. He decided to drill a load of holes in his living room wall and burst a pipe in the downstairs bathroom. 

 

Do you sit when you piss? 

 

What man doesn't like drills??????? 

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26 minutes ago, Rico1304 said:

Watching someone plastering is mesmerising 


At 14 I used to labour on a mate of my dads who was a plasterer on weekends, this was back in the day when you mixed the plaster with an old bit of skirting board. 
 

Fuck me that was hard work, I was skinny as a rake with fuck off ‘wanking arms’ as Jeff called them. 
 

Watching them get a wall or ceiling as flat as a spirit level just by eye is incredible. 

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Rolling you tongue.

 

Whistling.

 

On DIY or car stuff etc, I can’t do it and I have zero interest in being able to do so. Happily pay somebody else.

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1 hour ago, Butch said:

Having a wank with your left hand is challenging. My advice is to get someone else to do it. 

So it’s better to wank someone else with your left hand?

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I haven’t been able to play video games since Super Nintendo. Just don’t have the finger coordination. 
 

Same reason I can’t draw, probably. 
 

All my skills seem to be ones that have no value in the workplace. Keepy uppies, inuendo, inappropriate rhyming, limericks and dirty poetry. 

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1 hour ago, chrisbonnie said:

 

Do you sit when you piss? 

 

What man doesn't like drills??????? 

I haven’t owned a drill since I was 3 years old.

 

CB9BD7A1-6300-417E-AFD7-4CB4DFE4CF95.jpeg

 

I’ve never done DIY. Well, I once attempted to paint the living room wall but was shit at it and gave up after a couple of minutes.

 

Sitting down to piss is boss. Less chance of dropping your phone down the bog whilst reading the GF.

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7 hours ago, VladimirIlyich said:

The punctuation bit could be either a full stop or a comma,in my humble opinion,dependent on how it's said. All the rest of the complaints? You have me bang to rights.

Complaints? They were commendations.

3 hours ago, Alan Sex said:

So it’s better to wank someone else with your left hand?

I tend to use my mouth. 

2 hours ago, Tony Moanero said:

Sitting down to piss is boss. 

Indeedy. 

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11 hours ago, Butch said:

Having a wank with your left hand is challenging. My advice is to get someone else to do it. 

I find, at my age, it remains easier to masturbate with my wrong hand than find someone else who’s prepared to do it. 

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12 hours ago, Alan Sex said:

I haven’t been able to play video games since Super Nintendo. Just don’t have the finger coordination. 
 

Same reason I can’t draw, probably. 
 

All my skills seem to be ones that have no value in the workplace. Keepy uppies, inuendo, inappropriate rhyming, limericks and dirty poetry. 

Its bloody PC gone mad.

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