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Colonel Kurtz

Things I can't do that seemingly everyone else can

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1 minute ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Wrap presents. The package looks as though it's ripped open already. Fuckin sellotape doesn't just come off in a suraight line,it wraps itself around itself and folds over too. Cunt of an invention.

Yeah, I’m hopeless at it. Gift bags are boss.

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4 minutes ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Wrap presents. The package looks as though it's ripped open already. Fuckin sellotape doesn't just come off in a suraight line,it wraps itself around itself and folds over too. Cunt of an invention.

 

Yea, that's another one. 

I'd use a whole roll just to wrap a piece of jewelry. Then it takes just 2 seconds to rip it apart and chuck it out. Pointless. Gift bags should be standard and should be plain coloured so they can be reused. 

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1 minute ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Whats a gift bag? 

This will stun you. It's a bag, that you put gifts into, instead of wrapping paper. 

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1 minute ago, Remmie said:

This will stun you. It's a bag, that you put gifts into, instead of wrapping paper. 

Do you mean just one of those fancy paper bags with ribboned handles? My missus still wraps the presents before putting them in one of them.

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Just now, VladimirIlyich said:

Do you mean just one of those fancy paper bags with ribboned handles? My missus still wraps the presents before putting them in one of them.

Yeah one of them. 

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2 minutes ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Do you mean just one of those fancy paper bags with ribboned handles? My missus still wraps the presents before putting them in one of them.

I just throw the presents in the bag.

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3 minutes ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Not one for surprises then?

Surprises are great. I’d prefer to wrap presents but I find it so stressful. Years ago, the first Christmas I spent with my wife, she commented on how well her presents were wrapped. I didn’t have the heart to tell her my mum had wrapped them for me.

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2 hours ago, Tony Moanero said:

Surprises are great. I’d prefer to wrap presents but I find it so stressful. Years ago, the first Christmas I spent with my wife, she commented on how well her presents were wrapped. I didn’t have the heart to tell her my mum had wrapped them for me.

Good job you don't work in a custard cream factory. "Just chuck them in the bag like them broken biscuits"

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I can not dance.

 

I mean, I can hear music, move in a general sense to the beat of it, but I just can't do it without looking utterly and completely ridiculous. It's not quite Elaine-in-Seinfeld level, but not far off.

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3 hours ago, Remmie said:

All you shite egg poachers, just fucking fry the egg instead. It's superior in every way and 300 times easier. 

 

Driving. 

Straight from the TLW handbook that Rem.

 

Fried eggs have their place, but a properly poached egg is a thing of beauty. A jewel filled with yolky magnificence. 

 

Catch yourself on.

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4 hours ago, Ne Moe Imya said:

I can not dance.

 

I mean, I can hear music, move in a general sense to the beat of it, but I just can't do it without looking utterly and completely ridiculous. It's not quite Elaine-in-Seinfeld level, but not far off.

I hear music and enjoy it but don't have any urge to 'move my body like a prick' that many people seem to,particularly women.

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9 hours ago, littletedwest said:

I have no coordination. I was that bad at cricket at school I managed bowl over the nets. Went ten pin bowling I was that bad people stopped to watch. Didn't learn to drive til I was 36 because of my paranoia about my coordination. Funnily enough I'm ok at that though

First time in school they asked me to bowl at cricket over arm I threw the ball about 40 foot over the batsmans head and over some tennis courts. Immediately my sentiment became "fuck cricket"

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Another one here for keepy uppies. I look like I'm being electrocuted, such is the panic in my jerky legs once the ball is off the ground.

 

Painting is another. Not DIY painting but artist painting. I'm a whizz with colouring pencils on drawings and an airbrush on models but give me a brush and it looks like a three year old has painted it.

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Just now, Preston Red said:

Another one here for keepy uppies. I look like I'm being electrocuted, such is the panic in my jerky legs once the ball is off the ground.

 

Painting is another. Not DIY painting but artist painting. I'm a whizz with colouring pencils on drawings and an airbrush on models but give me a brush and it looks like a three year old has painted it.

If everyone could paint like an artist...... 

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5 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

If everyone could paint like an artist...... 

It used to be the bane of my life not being able to paint as I took art at GCSE in school and made a total arse of the painting aspects of my coursework.

 

On the flip side though, I don't need to paint when I'm welding so swings and roundabouts I guess otherwise I'd have a significantly lower salary haha

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Throw. 

 

I've never been able to throw things properly. Always, my arm bends camply before generating almost negative power and the object I'm chucking goes a pathetic distance. Imagine a normal person doing their best to throw like a girl with their bad arm.  That's my best effort. 

 

It's haunted me since childhood. 

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1 hour ago, Bobby Hundreds said:

First time in school they asked me to bowl at cricket over arm I threw the ball about 40 foot over the batsmans head and over some tennis courts. Immediately my sentiment became "fuck cricket"

I'm surprised the sports teacher didnt suggest the Javelin,Discus or Shot Putt with impressive throwing like that. 'Here you go lad,just pretend its a cricket ball.'

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