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Colonel Kurtz

Things I can't do that seemingly everyone else can

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Blow up and tie a balloon. I have a fear that the balloon is just gonna pop in my face and blind me if it gets too big so if anyone asks me to blow one up its coming back to you about the size of one of them mini world cup footballs you got as a kid and as for tying the bastards I get my thumb stuck I'm all over the place, I'll put the banners up. 

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Have any semblance of navigation skill. I could drive to the same place a million times using my sat nav and still get lost the time I don't use it. It takes me a lot of journeys to memorise routes and If I  have a 50/50 chance of picking the corret turn, I always end up picking the wrong one.

 

If I was in the military I'd have been wrongly shot for desertion, not for being a coward but for unwittingly ending up in the opposite direction of the action.

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3 minutes ago, Fluter in Dakota said:

Start unrolling straight onto what you want to wrap and once wrapped, rip the head off of it. Try and take off the right amount and you're doomed to fail. 

Is it that good? 

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19 minutes ago, Elite said:

Have any semblance of navigation skill. I could drive to the same place a million times using my sat nav and still get lost the time I don't use it. It takes me a lot of journeys to memorise routes and If I  have a 50/50 chance of picking the corret turn, I always end up picking the wrong one.

 

If I was in the military I'd have been wrongly shot for desertion, not for being a coward but for unwittingly ending up in the opposite direction of the action.

That could be a form of dyslexia 

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1 minute ago, mars said:

I can't remember street names (my memory is great otherwise).

Well mines easy. They call me 'Lethal Drizzle'.

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I have no coordination. I was that bad at cricket at school I managed bowl over the nets. Went ten pin bowling I was that bad people stopped to watch. Didn't learn to drive til I was 36 because of my paranoia about my coordination. Funnily enough I'm ok at that though

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8 hours ago, Fluter in Dakota said:

I skiied for 5 days in Italy and in the end I was doing OK. But it would be a stretch to say I was good at it. The ski lifts were a public menace and the number of ambulances driving to stricken skiers was enough to make it a once in a lifetime experience. 

The ambulances were only for the ones who mistimed the ski lifts and wrecked their bollocks, not the fallers.

 

As for my own failings, I've made numerous attempts at swimming, but can't manage to get my head above the water, which is a bit of an inconvenience when trying to breathe.

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All you shite egg poachers, just fucking fry the egg instead. It's superior in every way and 300 times easier. 

 

Driving. 

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Wrap presents. The package looks as though it's ripped open already. Fuckin sellotape doesn't just come off in a suraight line,it wraps itself around itself and folds over too. Cunt of an invention.

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