Local Weirdos

[Harry Squatter]

There was a woman who used to live next door to my aunt in Croxteth. The road was quite rough but she had spent an absolute fortune on her house buying tons of OTT bling furniture and porcelain statues inside and in the front garden. 

 

Despite living in Croxteth all her life she spoke like Joanna Lumley in Absolutely Fabulous but wasn't a raging alky. She would also wear tons of make up just to sit in the house and dress like Joan Collins in Dynasty. She was tanned all tye time even in the middle of January.

 

She was in her late sixties and had massive tits and would always show them off. She would constantly try it on with my uncle and flirt with my Dad when we used to visit the family. She was one of those neighbours constantly in and out of other people's houses.

 

She told everyone that she was loaded and her ex husband was a former cruise ship captain who died in a car crash in Sardinia. She never had any photos of him or ever talked about him unless it was to do with money.  Even though she lived in a rough area of Croxteth, never had a car and claimed benefits. 

 

She also disappeared for several weeks saying she had been on worldwide cruises and had copped off with America generals, German millionaires and Italian Counts. No one ever saw any evidence of her claims or why despite meeting all these men none of them ever came to see her or she never went to live or marry any of them. 

 

She was properly obsessed with men and would talk about how they needed to satisfy her and her high maintenance lifestyle. You would think she was a former film star living in Monaco. Not someone who barely worked and lived in Crokky. 

 

She seemed like a proper Walter Mitty type but I'm intrigued as to where she got all the money for her make up, clothes and the shite she spunked on the house. If she was genuinely loaded fuck knows why she wanted to live there. 

[Bjornebye]

Had a right one this morning. Get off the train at Manchester Piccadilly and walk down and turn right into the Northern Quarter. There is some scaffolding up and I clock this fella standing under the scaffolding, legs slightly bent looking towards the road. It just looked out of place. He's a bit taller than me, roughly my age, mousy curly hair and glasses but at a glance you'd think he was just a normal fella. I slightly angled my walk but as I got closer I just knew the fucker was going to do something. As I get about 5 feet away he does this weird gym lunge and ends up stood right in my path, eyes wide open and THEN stars going "Perr, perrr, perrr" but looking over my shoulder down the road. I sidestepped him sharpish and carried on my way. I dread to think how many other fuckers will fall victim to him on their way to work this morning. I was alert to something happening so managed to get through it but he's gonna shit some people up today.