Local Weirdos

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

There’s a teenage boy in Epsom who walks around the town in a mini skirt, crop top and full makeup. He’s not a weirdo obviously but by God he’s got some balls (ironically). Gets some funny looks and cat calls from the blokes outside Wetherspoons on a Saturday lunchtime but he doesn’t give a fuck. I admire his courage. 

Good on him/her

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

Ha ha. No he’s only about 16. I have many faults and weaknesses but I’m not a nonce. 

To be fair I edited it with that in mind. I can't be arsed with another rap on the knuckles from Dave 

[Rushies tash]

2 hours ago, Pidge said:

Acton a hotspot for the Aussies then? Used to go to a (bit grim) bar there called the redback, name might more sense now.

Certainly seems to be a hotbed of nutters. When I was living there, some woman would walk up and down the high street dressed smartly as if she was off to work. Except she'd be muttering 'dirty stinking filth' over and over as she walked. Was the same whenever i saw her.

 

Come to think of it, maybe she was talking about me.

 

Edit: The Redback was full of Aussies. Proper meat market, but had some good live music nights.

[Bjornebye]

4 minutes ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

Yeah I admire him. One of my daughters vaguely knows him and says he’s a nice guy as well. That said, it’s only a matter of time before some pissed up meatheads smack the fuck out of him and that will be that. 

I hope not mate. Not quite a frilly skirt but there's a brilliant piece in Boys From the Mersey (the book) where Nicky Allt says he knew a couple of lads who used to go into one of the footy boozers than was full of the 'casual' look at the time but these lads used to wear full on punk gear (chains etc) and go the game with no fucks given. Both unfortunately met their demise to heroin but he says in it "if their parents ever read this I just want you to know, at one point I saw your lads shine" I thought that was class. 

 

If they had this thread on Surrey Mums-Net how many pages do you reckon you'd take up? 

[manwiththestick]

There was this fella around ours growing up that we called tinnabeans on account of him always going in our local shop and buying a tin of baked beans, sitting on the bench outside the shop, opening the beans with a tin opener that he carried around with him and eating them cold with a plassy spoon.

 

 

[Bjornebye]

13 minutes ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I'm pretty sure if I mentioned this kid on Surrey Mums nets and how brave he was, the first response would not have been "yes yes that's all very well but have you fucked him ?". That's why I'm on here and not there. 

I'm pretty certain the majority of replies will be women asking where you've buried their nan. 

[Captain Howdy]

2 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

The world is a better place with these type of weirdos in it. 

Much better

[easytoslip]

1 minute ago, Captain Howdy said:

Much better

Yes you do need the odd loon, some are sound. 

[Captain Howdy]

2 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

When I was a kid we used to play footy on the field at the bottom of my road. There were a load of houses that faced onto the field. One woman in particular absolutely hated kids. She had a big massive bulbous head and used to drive a green VW beetle everywhere. She was known locally as the Mekon. 

 

Every time we played footy she would phone the bizzies despite the fact that we were doing nothing wrong. She stopped us outside our house once saying she hoped we all slipped over whilst playing footy and smashed our heads open. Bit unnerving when you're only ten. My Mum had a go at her and then she made up some story that we were trying to kill her dog, even though it never left the house. 

 

She died about 6 years later and can remember the neighbours saying that absolutely no one went to her funeral.

Similar to a women who lived by us when I was a kid, used to call her Aggie, I’ve no idea why but she would go off her head if you shouted it and she would give you (what passed) for a chase. She lived alone and all the local kids tormented her. I’m sure her funeral was similarly attended. Heartbreaking now when I look back.

[Scott_M]

Back in middle school in Otley, West Yorkshire... getting the P14 bus home, we’d quite often go past a local resident called “Smiler”.

 

I’m not quite sure how to describe “Smiler”. He was late 50’s, wore a suit & T-shirt but generally looked like a complete drunken bum - waking about B-roads, rocking from side to side, looking like a complete scruff, but always just smiling his head off. Always.

 

The PH14 bus would go past him, he’d look disheveled & grinning.

“Smiler you cunt / fuck off Smiler / SMMMIIILLLEEERRRRRRRRR” often came out the bus window, but he kept gurning along without a care in the world.

 

Anyhoo, since I moved away from the inbred haven of Otley, I’ve rarely been back. I was an outsider from the start, I have my allocated quota of fingers and toes, I’m not anybody’s cousin and I have no interest on revisiting.
 

One day, my then girlfriend (now wife) said we should go there one day. I told her about the legend of “Smiler” and how he’d likely be dead by now.

 

First thing we see once we get to Otley, approaching from another random b-road from the middle of nowhere, is “Smiler”, scruffy looking suit, gurning away ear to ear & generally looking pissed.

 

I doubt anybody knows his real name, his job or anything about him. But, like Purple Aki, people know of him, but for no particular reason. 

[manwiththestick]

Pretty sure I have mentioned him before but Dancing Chris the famous drunk of Warrington Town centre. Often spotted around Bridgefoot in the summer serenading the ladies with his guitar playing and dancing his head off as all the traffic passes by.

[Dougie Do'ins]

7 hours ago, Karl_b said:

I fucking hate, hate, bagpipes. 

I was woken yesterday morning by the sound of a lone piper outside the house of a neighbours house at half nine. I was lying there confused to fuck in my half awake daze at what the fuck was going on.

 

Once the daze had cleared, I remembered it was said neighbours funeral. Still got no fucking idea why there was a piper there. 

 

[Dougie Do'ins]

Anyone heard the town crier lately ? The woman usually walking round town begging for money by wailing her woes. Used to hear her on Old Hall Street at least once a week.  

[s(k)aturation]

2 hours ago, Pidge said:

Up on Uxbridge road, a bit rough but not really because the police station was around the corner.

 

It was a strange area I guess.

I knew a right rough QPR supporter.  Or at least he seemed so.

Early one Saturday afternoon, when I was taking piss in the gents, he walked in, pulled out a gun and asked me whether I could look after it for him while he went to the match at Loftus Rd.

I shat myself a bit.

Don't know whether the gun was real or not, but it looked authentic enough.

 

 

[Bjornebye]

9 minutes ago, Dougie Do'ins said:

Anyone heard the town crier lately ? The woman usually walking round town begging for money by wailing her woes. Used to hear her on Old Hall Street at least once a week.  

The one without any teeth? Some arl arse gave her a flapjack. 

[Bjornebye]

Just now, skaro said:

 

It was a strange area I guess.

I knew a right rough QPR supporter.  Or at least he seemed so.

Early one Saturday afternoon, when I was taking piss in the gents, he walked in, pulled out a gun and asked me whether I could look after it for him while he went to the match at Loftus Rd.

I shat myself a bit.

Don't know whether the gun was real or not, but it looked authentic enough.

 

 

Near White City there isn't it? Rough as fuck 

[s(k)aturation]

2 hours ago, Rushies tash said:

Certainly seems to be a hotbed of nutters. When I was living there, some woman would walk up and down the high street dressed smartly as if she was off to work. Except she'd be muttering 'dirty stinking filth' over and over as she walked. Was the same whenever i saw her.

 

Come to think of it, maybe she was talking about me.

 

Edit: The Redback was full of Aussies. Proper meat market, but had some good live music nights.

 

Was walking down the Acton Hight St one night and I passed a phone box with the phone ringing.

I'd had a couple of pints so I thought, I'll answer it.

Was a Polish hooker, propositioning.

 

[s(k)aturation]

8 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Near White City there isn't it? Rough as fuck 

Yep.

Good thing I was wearing my beer coat most of the time.

I'd have been bricking it otherwise.

 

 

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, skaro said:

Yep.

Good thing I was wearing my beer coat most of the time.

I'd have been bricking it otherwise.

 

 

Sorry to be uncool but what the fuck is a beer coat 

[Dougie Do'ins]

5 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

The one without any teeth? Some arl arse gave her a flapjack. 

Probably. I've never been brave enough to take a close look.

 

Some foreigner gave her a €20 note a few weeks back on OHS. She chased after him screaming that it was no good to her and asked him to go the bank and exchange it for her. When he refused, she asked him if he had any ciggies to spare.

 

BTW, I'm taking credit for naming her The Town Crier.

[s(k)aturation]

1 minute ago, Bjornebye said:

Sorry to be uncool but what the fuck is a beer coat 

When you drink a lot and, for instance, thereby don't feel the cold. 

[Bjornebye]

You missed my joke Dougie

2 minutes ago, skaro said:

When you drink a lot and, for instance, thereby don't feel the cold. 

Ha ffs. 

[Bruce Spanner]

33 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Near White City there isn't it? Rough as fuck 

Not anymore, it’s the bourgeoisie epicentre at the minute.

[VladimirIlyich]

There was a fella years ago in Runcorn who walked around acting like a copper and dressed in these black kecks and boots to look like one. He was unsurprisingly named 'Ploddy' and all the kids took the piss out of him. The cops made him wear a pair of kecks with a big yellow stripe up the sides so as people would know he had no authority of any kind. He was just a disturbed fella who lived with his old mum and probably had no real friends or close family,his mum aside. Probably dead or in care now,I'd guess,although he wouldn't necessarily be older than in his late 60s.

[Harry Squatter]

53 minutes ago, Dougie Do'ins said:

Anyone heard the town crier lately ? The woman usually walking round town begging for money by wailing her woes. Used to hear her on Old Hall Street at least once a week.  

Last time I saw her was in March. She screeched out that she was going to die and no one helps her or cares about her when they wont give her any money. Usually hangs round the doorway in Sainsbury's or William Hill. 

 

I told her to fuck off last year when she started following me into the train station because I had no ciggies to give her after she had been saying she was on the verge of death 10 seconds before. 

 

She shouted out "You're eeevvvvilllll" to some fella when he kept telling her that he carries no cash and that smackheads days of begging for cash are numbered with the onset of a cashless society.