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Premier League Round Up (Nov 7-8 2020)

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So we’re not top anymore then. You can blame me for that after all the piss taking I did last week about Everton and their short stint at the summit. We're still in good enough shape like, so let the rest have their little moment in the sunshine, just like Everton had.

 

There’s every chance we’ll be back up there sooner rather than later, whereas ‘Don Carlo’ & his little band of dirty bastards have as much as of going top again as Jordan Pickford has of appearing on Mastermind or getting a Christmas card from Big Virg.

 

Speaking of Pickford though, the man who’s arms are almost as short as his attention span was back between the sticks as ‘high flying Everton’ took on ‘struggling’ Manchester United at the Pit. Incredibly, once again he somehow got away scot free after a wild challenge on the opposition centre back in his own box.

 

This time he dropped a high cross at the feet of Maguire and then took a big wild swing and missed the ball, kneeing Maguire in the stomach. Absolutely nailed on pen yet once again he escaped punishment. Is this one of those new bullshit rule changes, like the handball and offside? The Pickford can do whatever he likes ruling.

 

It’s actually incredible what he gets away with. I don’t know how he does it but it would be an interesting experiment to see just how far he can go before some kind of punishment is applied. 

 

At this point I’m thinking he could take an assault rifle onto the field and mow down half the opposition line up and still get a pardon from VAR. This would have been a good game to test that one out, but might I now suggest the Man City game instead?

 

Anyway, Bernard gave Everton an early lead with a weak as piss low shot that somehow squirmed past De Gea. Embarrassing being beaten by a shot travelling at a slower speed than a turning Maguire.

 

He’s proper shite that Bernard but it flies under the radar because he’s Brazilian so people just assume he must be good. They see him playing shite and just think “must be an off day. He’s five foot two and he’s Brazilian so he must be boss”. 

 

If he wasn’t Brazilian he wouldn’t even have a football career. If he was born in Rochdale or Grimsby he’d never have got past the opening trials. You can get away with being that small if you’re dead good, but you can’t be dead small and bang average and expect to have a top flight career. Unless you’re South American that is. 

 

For whatever reason, in this country we’re so easily taken in by that shit. “Oh he’s really small and he’s Brazilian, that must mean he’s brilliant at footy. Plus he’s got tattoos and wears number ten. This is so exciting!! SIGN HIM UP!!”. 

 

Seriously, if Bernard wasn’t Brazilian would Everton have a) signed him in the first place or b) kept him around even when it quickly became clear that he’s fucking rubbish? 

 

The answer to both questions is “hell no”.

 

I’ve just checked his numbers as it’s exactly like I thought. In three years at Everton he’s scored five goals and has five assists in the league. He has eight yellow cards though. Interesting considering he’s not in the team for his tackling. Just shows he must be  snide little cunt as well as being shit. An attacking player who gets more bookings than goals? 

 

Fuck me, Everton are so easily fooled. They’ve got a catwalk model in midfield who can’t play for shit but they think he’s the bees knees because he’s handsome and has Barcelona on his CV. They paid £45m for Alex Iwobi because they wanted him to be Wilf Zaha and they’ve got this tiny tattooed turd masquerading as a Brazilian number ten.

 

He’s done a hell of a job convincing Everton that he’s a Premier League level footballer though when the facts show he’s an attacking player who scores maybe two goals a season. He’s stealing a fucking living. He's like a Tory MP or a VAR official. Completely failing at his job but not held to account by anybody, least of all the Everton fans who, hilariously, still think he’s good.

 

An attacker who never scores is as much use as a glass hammer. You know why Everton bought Bernard? Because they saw Coutinho across the park and thought “we want one of those”. Well he is as close to being Coutinho as I am to being Tiger Woods. I play golf. Tiger plays golf. Coutinho plays football. Bernard plays football. And there the similarities end.

 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, 1-0 Everton. That’s as good as it got for them and their lead didn’t last long.

 

The game saw Portuguese Gylfi take on original Gylfi.

 

spiderman.jpg

 

Portuguese Gylfi came out well on top. He arrived unmarked to head the equaliser and then he made it 2-1 when his cross eluded Rashford but crept in off the far post. Everton pushed for an equaliser but never looked like getting one and they got done on the counter in stoppage time when Fernandez teed up sub Cavani to make it 3-1.

 

Solskjaer was FUMING afterwards though. It’s the angriest I’ve ever seen him. It was funny really, he’s the least intimidating angry person I’ve ever seen. It just made me wonder how his players keep their faces straight any time he’s kicking off over a bad performance. 

 

I imagine when Ferguson would kick off no-one would make eye contact with him because they were terrified. With this clown you don’t make eye contact because you wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face.

 

Why was he so angry after a good win? Because he said that his boys were “set up to fail”. And for once, not by his own tactics. No, he was angry as shit that they had to play on Saturday lunch time after an away game in Turkey on Wednesday night. 

 

He’s 100% right too. It’s daft and it’s unfair, especially in a season like this when players are dropping like flies due to the shortened pre-season and condensed fixture load. United should never had to play this fixture so soon after an away trip to Turkey but this is the kind of shit that happens to all of us. 

 

The good thing here is he kicked off about it after a win, as it carries far more weight than if they’d lost, when it would have been seen as excuse making. Good for him speaking out as strongly as he did, because it feels as though it’s nearly always Klopp fighting these battles alone.

 

I’m happy for Ole that United won because there had been talk that he was one game from the sack, and none of us want that. He’s at the wheel man, he’s doing his thing. And long may it continue.

 

United are nowhere near as bad as they’re being portrayed while Everton are nowhere near as good as the hype they’ve been getting. 

 

United are basically what we were for the best part of thirty years. There’s enough talent there for them to beat anyone but they’ll never have the consistency required to actually win the big trophies. The league position they’re in now is nowhere near where they’ll finish. Just like Everton.

 

Remember a few weeks ago when Everton were top and the pundits were falling over themselves to praise them? All but one pundit that is. “Don’t be getting too carried away with Everton just yet” he said. And since then, they haven’t won a game. Roy Keane knows.

 

One last point on Everton. Both my Mum and Dad are absolutely convinced that the only reason Ancelotti took the Everton job is because he’s going to hand it over to his son in a year or two. I didn’t know this, but his son is the assistant manager there alongside crazy Duncan and they reckon he’d never have lowered himself to managing Everton unless he knew he was setting things up for his lad to get on the managerial ladder. Worth keeping an eye on that one.

 

 

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See these Bon Jovi references right? There's you writing them, all proud with your skills and cunning . Here's everyone else going "Noooo. He's off again", shaking our heads and wishing it was all over (the hills and far away). 

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It would be fun to watch Pickford go on The Crystal Maze, diving around all over the crystal dome trying and failing to reach the gold tokens, maiming all his tammates in the process, never realising that it might have been better for him to pick the scraps off the floor instead.

 

Richard O'Brian: "Well team, you've collected 3 silver tokens, 1 gold token, 5 broken ribs, 1 dislocated shoulder, 2 serious concussions and a torn ACL. Thanks for taking part. Jordan, we'll have to get the paramedics to get your head out of there." *plays jaunty riff on his harmonica*

 

Mumsie: "Daft get!"

 

 

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The difference between Sheffield United this season and last season? the goalkeeper. Henderson was in good form but went back to united when his loan ended. Sheffield bought back the keeper they sold to Bournemouth when they got henderson. That goal he conceeded to that twat chilwell was just a joke. Call yourself a keeper and let that in?

 

Bang on about Arteta in my opinion, Dave. They won the FA Cup and Community Shield on pens and all a sudden, pudits are talking about them being title challengers again! The fuck!?

 

Spurs just piss me off. I know they have some tough fixtures coming up but as you said, no fans in the stadiums is made for them and I think they could be a dark horse in the title race this season if they keep Kane and Son fit.

 

It's a real pain in the arse only us seem to be picking up long term injuries and like Ive said before, injuries will have a big say on where Charlie Championship ends up this season.

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Bernard? If you remember when they signed him it was put out there that he had turned down "a host of top sides" to join the shite.

That's why I'm never arsed who they sign, whoever they sign is not wanted by a top side.

The shite sign shite because they're shite.

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57 minutes ago, DalyanPete said:

Bernard? If you remember when they signed him it was put out there that he had turned down "a host of top sides" to join the shite.

That's why I'm never arsed who they sign, whoever they sign is not wanted by a top side.

The shite sign shite because they're shite.

 

See also Golden Balls Rodriguez.

 

Basically Shaq but with less work rate.

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9 minutes ago, dave u said:

 

See also Golden Balls Rodriguez.

 

Basically Shaq but with less work rate.

...and a sore bollock. 

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Great stuff, as ever.

 

Just caught up with MotD, and have two comments on the West Ham game......

The West Ham goal further confirms that the law makers and officials have utterly lost the plot. Haller is clearly offside in the build up. Linesman doesn't flag - ok, that's the instruction now. But why doesn't VAR subsequently rule it out? 

The Fulham pen - minimal contact, less than the boot on Mo's ankle a couple of weeks ago, but not a peep from any of the usual suspects. Should be used to the double standards bu=y now, but it's still annoying.

As for the Panenka - more like a Pavlova.

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On 12/11/2020 at 19:54, Trumo said:

It would be fun to watch Pickford go on The Crystal Maze...

 

Richard O'Brian: "Well team, you've collected 3 silver tokens, 1 gold token, 5 broken ribs, 1 dislocated shoulder, 2 serious concussions and a torn ACL.

Pickford picking up silver? Don't be daft!

 

Why is it he likes clattering and trying to maim centre halves, even if that description is a very poor fit for Slabhead?

 

When did Steve Bould start appearing on Arsenal TV?

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To be fair, that rant at the end of Arsenal TV could have been after Hendo’s goal was disallowed at Woodison.

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On 13/11/2020 at 00:05, dockers_strike said:

The difference between Sheffield United this season and last season? the goalkeeper. Henderson was in good form but went back to united when his loan ended. Sheffield bought back the keeper they sold to Bournemouth when they got henderson. That goal he conceeded to that twat chilwell was just a joke. Call yourself a keeper and let that in?

 

Bang on about Arteta in my opinion, Dave. They won the FA Cup and Community Shield on pens and all a sudden, pudits are talking about them being title challengers again! The fuck!?

 

Spurs just piss me off. I know they have some tough fixtures coming up but as you said, no fans in the stadiums is made for them and I think they could be a dark horse in the title race this season if they keep Kane and Son fit.

 

It's a real pain in the arse only us seem to be picking up long term injuries and like Ive said before, injuries will have a big say on where Charlie Championship ends up this season.

The keeper is a problem but he's one of many, Lundstram was their talisman for big parts last season but all the contract saga has affected him, he's not near the player he was, they're just not scoring enough, and conceding twice as many, they're fucked in short. They're now trying to play Brewster every game, he;s making runs and never getting the ball, a disaster of a move for him.

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Evertons big problem is James Rodriguez, he couldn't run backwards if his life depended on it, the Mancs spent the entire match on his side hammering Coleman because he had no support at all, he need to change position, or be dropped or change the formation entirely. or they'll keep losing.

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