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Embarassing Things You Wish You'd Never Said or Asked


VladimirIlyich
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I reckon I was about five, maybe even younger, and I was in the living room with my grandad and mum, and I just said:

 

"Mum, when I look at the ladies in their underwear in the catalogue, my willy goes like this."

 

I remember me mum was eating a butty or something and some food fell out of her mouth, and me granddad was just sat there looking at the telly and shaking his head.

 

 

D1028_88_120_1200.jpg

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Went to the night do of a female colleagues wedding and as I went down the greeting line I noticed the best man had a black eye and said to the groom ( his brother ) 'I should have got here earlier, looks like I've missed the fight'

upon which he hissed to me ' its a fucking birthmark '

 

Not my finest hour

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50 minutes ago, sir roger said:

Went to the night do of a female colleagues wedding and as I went down the greeting line I noticed the best man had a black eye and said to the groom ( his brother ) 'I should have got here earlier, looks like I've missed the fight'

upon which he hissed to me ' its a fucking birthmark '

 

Not my finest hour

You should of asked him how long have you had it. 

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16 hours ago, sir roger said:

Went to the night do of a female colleagues wedding and as I went down the greeting line I noticed the best man had a black eye and said to the groom ( his brother ) 'I should have got here earlier, looks like I've missed the fight'

upon which he hissed to me ' its a fucking birthmark '

 

Not my finest hour

When I was in primary school, some girl was being annoying so I said something along the lines of "Why do you think you're all grown up wearing make up for school?"" As her eyelids were a bluish/purple tint. She started crying her eyes out and said she doesn't. Looking back it was a medical condition or something.

 

Still feel like a complete wanker about it now. Poor girl.

 

I've also done the "When's it due?" To a few women, unknowingly post-birth.

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6 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I had to confess to Mrs Kurtz (my 3rd wife) that the precise detail of female plumbing was a mystery to me and I had no idea where they actually peed from. She was less than impressed. 

You have three wives? 

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Pissed up one night after a meal out with family. Went to a pub to finish the night in style. After getting the drinks in ("Anything you want - on me"!), I found us a table in the main bar where some lad was murdering 'Country Roads' to a backing track on the little stage in the corner. "Ey! Karaoke! I could do that", I thought.  So I  sauntered up to the front to find the little book of songs to choose my weapon of mass entertainment ( In my head, I was going to slay the  audience with my rendition of Kenny Rogers' "Coward of The County"). Anyway, after much glancing around I couldn't find it, so I  went onstage and asked the lad (who'd just finished singing) where the little book of songs was.  He shot me with daggers and said: "This isn't karaoke, mate...". 

 

I genuinely can't for the life of me - even now- decide whether I was mortified at ruining his gig, or that it wasn't actually karaoke night. 

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13 hours ago, cochyn said:

Pissed up one night after a meal out with family. Went to a pub to finish the night in style. After getting the drinks in ("Anything you want - on me"!), I found us a table in the main bar where some lad was murdering 'Country Roads' to a backing track on the little stage in the corner. "Ey! Karaoke! I could do that", I thought.  So I  sauntered up to the front to find the little book of songs to choose my weapon of mass entertainment ( In my head, I was going to slay the  audience with my rendition of Kenny Rogers' "Coward of The County"). Anyway, after much glancing around I couldn't find it, so I  went onstage and asked the lad (who'd just finished singing) where the little book of songs was.  He shot me with daggers and said: "This isn't karaoke, mate...". 

 

I genuinely can't for the life of me - even now- decide whether I was mortified at ruining his gig, or that it wasn't actually karaoke night. 

Epic!

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I nearly showed that picture that was on here, the one of someone finding a man hanging and making a swing, to this barmaid in my local. 

She found her Dad that way and someone stopped me on the  nick of time thank fuck. 

I wouldn't of forgave myself, I don't know why I was going to show her in the first place, phew 

 

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I was out on a work xmas do not too long after the end of my marriage and towards the end of the night explained to one of the women I worked with that the girl she was sharing a room with that night had gone back with someone already, and that if she wanted she could share with me.

 

she politely reminded me she was remarried.

 

to which i replied “yeah, but are you happily married?”

 

i immediately felt like an absolute arsehole and was never really able to talk comfortably with her again.

 

Regret that, definitely.

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