If world leaders had real jobs

[Section_31]

Past or present. If things had turned out differently and they'd ended up having to get a 9-5, what do you reckon they'd be doing?

 

I reckon Putin would be a quietly pissed off cabbie. He'd specialise in airport shuttle runs and would only talk to you if he clocked that you were visiting from somewhere he'd always fancied going to in the hopes he might get a free visit, when he realised it wasn't going to happen he'd be extra rough with your bags. No matter what you tipped him he'd act underwhelmed, even if he wasn't, just to keep you off guard. 

 

He'd also be the kind of guy who, if his Mrs needed a lift as she was meeting someone or had an appointment, he'd go for a shit at the last minute just to keep her on edge. 

 

The other cabbies wouldn't like him, their nickname for him would be 'short stack'.

[Elite]

Kim Jong Un would own a local takeaway. He'd bill his cooking skills as the best in the world and routinely scream at his delivery drivers for fucking up the orders. He also has at least two pending court hearings for purposely putting peanuts in customers food that have clearly stated they have nut allergies.

[Mudface]

The entire current cabinet would be middle managers in a call centre or supermarket, inspiring their resentful, minimum wage staff like this every morning-

 

 

[Bruce Spanner]

Jakob Rees Mogg would preside over his workhouses and rule them with a lack of compassion and an iron fist, safe in the knowledge that to proletariat are too feckless and stupid to rise up against their tyrannical overlords.

 

Pritti Patel would work in the family pharmacy* and be a dickhead to everybody.

 

*Seed of truth as her family have a pharmacy.

[Jairzinho]

Michael Gove would be a disgraced children's entertainer.

[Trumo]

Boris Johnson would be the candy floss maker for a travelling fairground.

[TheHowieLama]

Donald Trump - Reality Show Host

[Trumo]

Narendra Modi would be a villainous character actor in numerous shitty Indian serials.

[Section_31]

Angela Merkel would own a conservatory and orangeries business with her husband. He'd organise the delivery side of things but she'd do the admin and selling. You'd make an appointment with her but she's forgotten and is half way through her sandwich, a BLT with lots of visible lettuce, with a Muller Rice for afters.

 

She'd apologise and put her sandwich down but keep looking at it while she's talking to you. Her entire sales pitch would centre around how the third most expensive orangery she sells, she actually has on her house, the kids loved it but they've left now. One is a nurse, yhe other is a teacher - getting divorced.

 

Half way through her husband would knock and ask if she wanted the new spotlights leaving in the warehouse to which she'd reply: "What do you think?". He'd walk out with his head down.

 

[RJ Fan club]

1 minute ago, Section_31 said:

Angela Merkel would own a conservatory and orangeries business with her husband. He'd organise the delivery side of things but she'd do the admin and selling. You'd make an appointment with her but she's forgotten and is half way through her sandwich, a BLT with lots of visible lettuce, with a Muller Rice for afters.

 

She'd apologise and put her sandwich down but keep looking at it while she's talking to you. Her entire sales pitch would centre around how the third most expensive orangery she sells, she actually has on her house, the kids loved it but they've left now. One is a nurse, yhe other is a teacher - getting divorced.

 

Half way through her husband would knock and ask if she wanted the new spotlights leaving in the warehouse to which she'd reply: "What do you think?". He'd walk out with his head down.

 

I reckon she’d knock out high quality made to measure curtains from her converted garage. But she’s only do beige or Laura Ashley patterns 

[RJ Fan club]

Just now, RJ Fan club said:

I reckon she’d knock out high quality made to measure curtains from her converted garage. But she’s only do beige or Laura Ashley patterns 

Or she’d make a really snooty doctors receptionist. 

[YorkshireRed]

Thatcher would have been a milkman, only instead of delivering the milk she’d have taken it away.

 

[Harry Squatter]

Alex Salmond would be a struggling salesman of some description who stay in travelodges all week and uses loads of brasses. He'd fiddle his expenses to order more food. 

 

Boris Johnson would have some nondescript job in his Dad's company but kept away from any serious business the company conducts incase he fucked it up or offended any potential customers. 

 

 

[littletedwest]

2 hours ago, Mudface said:

The entire current cabinet would be middle managers in a call centre or supermarket, inspiring their resentful, minimum wage staff like this every morning-

 

 

Who the fuck thinks things like that are a good idea? 

[Bjornebye]

Ian Blackford would be a senior floor manager in a carpet store having worked there since he was 16. There will be nothing he doesn't know About carpets and every birthday he makes his wife take him to a Mexican restaurant so he can tell anyone who would listen his “underlay” joke. 
On a Tuesday and Friday night he runs an Elvis karaoke. Tuesday he is in the Burgh Arms in Inverkeithing And gets a mild to warm reception. He won’t let his wife watch as he has a small fan club of women. One of who gave him a suck once in his car but now won’t look him in the eye. 
His Friday slot is The Grapes in Stranraer where the regulars hate him but he keeps his slot because he walked in on the landlady getting fingered by a delivery man behind her husbands back. He has never tried to blackmail her, she just insists to her husband and regulars that “Elvis Ian” stays. 

[cloggypop]

The Dalai Lama would run a ticking over but not particularly profitable headshop in Afflecks Palace. His unlimited patience would be a godsend every Saturday when he would tell some 16 year old Mancs for the 237th time that day that no he didn't actually sell any weed. 

[Section_31]

Sadam Hussain would have been a used car salesman with a business that was dubiously named, "Childwall Car Sales" even though it's actually in Picton. 

 

His sons Uday and Qusay would work for him, Uday a capable accountant, Qusay a capable salesman but whom often takes new cars for a spin and returns them with vomit and women's underwear on the back seat.

 

Whenever you buy a car off him you get a branded air freshener, Saddam kisses you on the cheek and says: "God gave me two sons...now I have three." He says this even if you're a woman.

 

When he's on holiday he has a body double who sits in the office but doesn't speak, just waves at you through the window. Qusay does all the talking for him and tells you his dad is expecting an important phone call about some new stock.

 

He drives a 94 Shogun. 

[magicrat]

Trump would be an oompa loompa

[Trumo]

Theresa May would have booted Jenny Bond into The Serpentine and taken over as the BBC's resident royal watcher, after a 5-year stint as an Avon lady.

[VladimirIlyich]

Most of the Tory cabinet would be cleaning shithouses and sewers on minimum wage if there were any karma in this world.

[Pete]

On 08/08/2020 at 15:38, magicrat said:

Trump would be an oompa loompa

would? 

[A Red]

John Prescott - Shearings coach driver