Premier League Round Up (Feb 7-8 2020)

[tlw content]

Not much of a weekend as all of the relevant teams had the week off due to the winter break. Ok, I said ‘teams’ there when I really meant ‘team’. We had the week off and no-one else really matters now. No-one else is relevant other than Man City, who are still just about clinging on to relevance, but their game fell foul of the weather so both Match of the Day shows this week were pretty grim. 

 

So grim they had to lead the show with Everton. Imagine giving the Blues top billing. Jesus. They did their best to hype them up by pointing out that over the last ten games the only team to pick up more points than them are the Mighty Reds, but they failed to quantify that by saying that since Don Carlo came in they’ve played the Dog & Duck, Slapdick United, Jabroni Albion and Nomark Athletic. 

 

And Crystal Palace, who I’ve been telling you all season are fucking dreadful and had been in the falsest of false positions. Palace being in the top half is like Boris Johnson being Prime Minister. You look at it and go “just how the fuck is this happening? That can’t be right.” 

 

Sadly, Johnson is still Prime Minister and will be for some time, whereas Palace have long since dropped from the top half and are back in something approaching their rightful place. One day Johnson will be in his. Burning in hell with Thatcher.

 

But anyway, to get back on topic. I imagine this week will have been MOTD’s lowest ever viewing figures, but those who swerved it missed out on yet another Jordan Pickford ‘moment’ as well as an event that has become so rare in recent years. No, I’m talking about Bernard scoring. No, I’m not talking about Walcott setting one up with a great cross either (yes, that actually happened). I’m referring to Benteke finally getting a goal. 

 

It was a strange old day at Goodison. As I said, Everton took the lead through Bernard from a Walcott cross. No-one could have predicted that but good old Theo at least reverted to type soon after by going off injured. He was replaced by Sidibe, but not before he had to make a quick dash back to the dressing room when he realised he was missing a sock.

 

Seriously? How the fuck does that happen? I know I say this all the time, but I could never be a manager because I just couldn’t tolerate that kind of shit. How hard is it to put a fucking football kit on? I don’t understand how you can put a kit on and forget to put on a fucking sock. Did he not realise when he put his boot on, that the foot he was putting the boot on didn’t have a fucking sock on it? 

 

He only realised the sock was missing when he went to pull it up and grabbed a handful of nothing. He was stood next to the fourth official ready to come on, and he then had to run back to the dressing room. I’m irrationally livid about this. Really, it shouldn’t matter to me at all, yet it does. 

 

I’d never play him again if it was me, but that’s as much to do with the fact he’s shit as it is the missing sock. If he was any good I might give him a second chance, but then again I might not. Can you imagine James Milner doing that? Exactly. It’s inexcusable.

 

Anyway, Benteke equalised when his tame shot went right through Pickford. On a day of so many rare sightings Pickford’s howler was the only thing you could have predicted beforehand (along with Walcott’s injury of course). Fucking clown.

 

I’ve got to hand it to Benteke though. For one thing it’s impressive that he even remembered what his celebration was after all this time, but the thing I really need to tip my cap to him for is that he was acting like this was perfectly normal, just another day at the office. 

 

He’s a £30m striker who hadn’t scored for a year. If that’s me, I’m probably going down the route of the Newcastle fan at Oxford. Not Benteke though, he’s like “yeah, just gonna bust out my old shitty thigh slap celebration. Nothing to see here, just me back in the old routine”. Have to admire his chutzpah. 

 

Maybe he felt that it wasn’t a big deal because it was only against Pickford? Probably felt like scoring against one of his kids in the back garden.

 

This is just a teaser, click to view the full article

 

Please note that PL Round Ups are only available to website subscribers. Subscriptions cost just £2 a month (you need to register first) and can be purchased here. 

[Manny]

Re: Jordan Pickford. A mate is a season ticket holder at Newcastle and says he's so easy to wind up it's almost not funny - they were giving him the whole little arms thing the last but one time they played Everton at St James' Park, and booing him incessantly (as a prominent ex-mackem). He was just getting more and more wound up, offering the crowd on at one point which just led to them winding him up even more. Compare that, apparently, with Jordan Henderson, who got similar treatment as an ex-mackem but who barely notices it as he's too  professional and driven to let it affect him (and who they forgot to boo after a while as it was having no effect).

 

Pickford is just like Hart really - confident enough to play to a good level but too prickly to go any further. It helps to have unshakeable self-belief as a goalkeeper since you'll inevitably make costly fuck-ups. But when your self-belief is combined with a thin skin it just becomes arrogance and that'll cost you, because any time you get criticised, instead of shrugging it off you'll go out of your way to actively try and prove your critics wrong (like trying to catch a ball that's out of your reach and probably going over anyway in order to show your arms aren't too short). That's a dangerous plan for someone in a reactionary position.

[aws]

Sock robbers strike again.  

[alles ist gut]

Top, top Pearson analysis there, Dave.

[Jimmy Hills Chin]

Excellent job of polishing a turd of a weekend, Dave.

[Mark M]

Deadly roundup Dave....

but your match reports are fucking shite!

[ralph]

Great round up Dave, a fuckin sock! Reminds me of the time when we had nice but dim Andy Caroll come on as a sub, he fell over twice before realising that he had the wrong boots on.

Not blessed with brains some of them. 

[deiseach]

Quote

I can’t bring myself to show any interest in all the bums bumming around in the ‘race for top four’ 

There was a thread recently about the day it all changed, and while the answer to that is surely obvious - when Klopp was appointed - the moment I realised it had all changed, changed utterly was when Arsenal played Man City on the opening day of last season.  For years (decades?) I'd be looking at a fixture like that so early on and thinking a draw would be nice, hedge your bets against potential top four rivals etc. Not this time though. There was no fibre of my being that was not really disappointed that City won 2-0, to the extent that I had to analyse my own reaction. Really? I was that sure that Liverpool and Arsenal would not be rivals in the upcoming season? Yes, I was that certain. 18 months on and I take a savage glee in laughing uproariously at the maneuverings for the 'race for top four'. Best days of our lives.

[rb14]

Two jabronis - although I might let the Gosling one go - and a chutzpah. Your standards are dropping again. Gott in Himmel you remind me of that Pickford dumbkopf. 

 

See?

[deiseach]

1 hour ago, rb14 said:

Two jabronis - although I might let the Gosling one go - and a chutzpah. Your standards are dropping again. Gott in Himmel you remind me of that Pickford dumbkopf. 

 

See?

Negged for dissing chutzpah, you schmuck.

[sir roger]

There’s probably enough there to have you all banned from the Labour Party the way things are going.

[dave u]

4 hours ago, rb14 said:

Two jabronis - although I might let the Gosling one go - and a chutzpah. Your standards are dropping again. Gott in Himmel you remind me of that Pickford dumbkopf. 

 

See?

 

The more you complain about jabroni, the more I'm going to use it. You do realise that, don't you? 

[Dr Nowt]

Can’t believe Jon Moss has gone up in my estimation. Marginally.

 

This truly is a season which needs to be seen to be believed.

[Dr Nowt]

Speaking of refs, I see old Truly, Madley, Deeply is now being allowed to officiate in Divi Two again. 
 

Scandalous what happened to him, but at least some of the injustice is being gradually rolled back if he’s allowed to start make a living as a shit ref here again.

[aws]

Never expected him to retrieve his career so quickly. 

[suzy]

Top report Dave. I was really laughing at the sock, Pearson and Pickford!