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Premier League Round Up (Oct 5-6 2019)

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“Everything's coming up Millhouse” was the phrase that kept coming to me as this weekend unfolded. We got a stoppage time penalty winner to go eight points clear, City lost at home to Wolves to keep us eight points clear, and then United lost at Newcastle to put Everton into the relegation zone. An absolute Bon Jovi of a weekend.

 

It kicked off with Spurs plumbing new depths by getting spanked by Brighton. It doesn’t impact us as Spurs are no threat anymore, but it’s still fucking funny like. It’s one thing being torn apart by Gnabri, Coutinho and Lewandowski, but who in the blue hell is Aaron Connolly?? Never heard of him before this weekend.

 

In fact, the first I heard of him was when I saw his name in a group chat on WhatsApp. “Aaron Connolly is lovely” declared John G. 

 

What the fuck??? Well this is a new development. I mean I’m good with it, live and let live, but I can’t say I’m not a little shocked. Then I see underneath he’s corrected himself by saying “lively!!”. Right, ok that makes sense. Except who the fuck is Aaron Connolly? 

 

Having watched MOTD I can reveal that Aaron Connolly is a teenage Irish striker who looks like a 12 year old with a fake beard glued to his face. 

 

He scored twice to add to Neil Maupay’s early opener as Brighton slapped Spurs around the Amex to collect their first win since they beat Watford by the same score on opening day. I’m tempted to say that maybe Brighton aren’t as bad as people think, but it’s probably just a case of Spurs being worse than anyone could have possibly imagined.

 

Lloris gifted Brighton the opener with a trademark blunder. He’s good for half a dozen of these a season. That number will probably be less this time as he busted his elbow in the process of dropping this clanger and will now miss three months. 

 

It might be for the best really. The back up might not make as many special saves as arl Hugo, but he sure as hell won’t make the same kind of spectacular fuck ups either.

 

Spurs were rancid though. It’s hard to believe just how bad they’ve been this season. The rot started last season even if most of us didn’t realise it at the time. At one stage they almost got themselves into the title race but then they just started losing games all over the fucking shop and ended up fourth. Reaching the CL Final and that fluke win over Ajax maybe masked the problems they were having, but there’s no hiding place now. They’re a mess.

 

Credit to Brighton as they played well and fully deserved the win. Connolly was indeed lovely, I mean lively, and his second goal was a cracker.

 

That result was surprising, shocking even. But the result that really made me do a double take on Saturday was at Carrow Road. Norwich have turned into a pumpkin since they beat Man City. It’s mad; you beat City and then a few weeks later you’re losing 5-1 to Aston fucking Villa. It could have been worse too as Villa missed a pen. Wesley was the culprit, although he had already scored two by that point so no real harm done.

 

Grealish then scored a nice goal to make it 3-0. He’s probably a very good player but I struggle to see it as I’m so blinded with disdain for how he looks. I bet when he’s not wearing a footy kit he dresses like a "Peaky fucking Bloynder". Twat.

 

Some cat called Hourihane (never heard of him before) lashed in number four and Douglas Luiz curled in a beauty to make it five. Great goal that. Think he scored one like that earlier in the season too? He’s got rid of the ridiculous hairstyle now though, an example his captain should probably follow.

 

Norwich did manage a late consolation goal and the lad who scored it went and picked the ball up out of the net and ran back to the centre circle with it. It was stoppage time and they were 5-1 down, but 10/10 for optimism.

 

This is just a teaser, click to view the full article

 

Please note that PL Round Ups are only available to website subscribers. Subscriptions cost just £2 a month (you need to register first) and can be purchased here. 

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In my first ever organised football game for All Saints Under-10's , our manager's first advice to the defenders was never go to ground. What kind of fucking teachers are they producing in Argentina.

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Ohhhhhhhhhh riiiiiight. How come I got this from you on WhatsApp and I quote:

"Rog. Defo wulvz goin2 get fukd dis wknd dat otimedny iz gr8 defendur an iz gunna fukn scor a hatty U wotch" 

Go on. Explain that away. 

 

In other news "Nuno Holy Spirit". Good marks for that. Although it could of course be another off your old man. Own up. Tell. 

 

 

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An aging Fernandinho going back into midfield combined with the refs' apparent clampdown on City's tactical fouling will hopefully yield predictable results. 

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Anyone else think there's a certain irony in the Chelsea situation?........ Having to play their youngsters because of a transfer ban. Their decent start is largely down to the performances of their youngsters, Abraham (Kevin?!, didn't know that!), Mount, Tomori. What was their transfer ban for - 29 infringements regarding the recruitment and registration of.... young footballers.

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Good report Dave but what's with all the shitting on the Irish players? Hourihane is one of our better players. Connolly is the next bright hope. The only thing you said in our favour was that Jonathan Walters was not as shit as you previously mentioned. And I'm sure that was through gritted teeth. 

 

Also Kevin Abraham? Was that a misprint or is it a joke that I'm missing out on in some way?

 

Other than that though, highly entertaining as always. 

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25 minutes ago, buster69 said:

Good report Dave but what's with all the shitting on the Irish players? Hourihane is one of our better players. Connolly is the next bright hope. The only thing you said in our favour was that Jonathan Walters was not as shit as you previously mentioned. And I'm sure that was through gritted teeth. 

 

Also Kevin Abraham? Was that a misprint or is it a joke that I'm missing out on in some way?

 

Other than that though, highly entertaining as always. 

Real name is Kevin, he uses Tammy as Kevin is such a girly name.

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3 hours ago, buster69 said:

Good report Dave but what's with all the shitting on the Irish players? Hourihane is one of our better players. Connolly is the next bright hope. The only thing you said in our favour was that Jonathan Walters was not as shit as you previously mentioned. And I'm sure that was through gritted teeth. 

 

Also Kevin Abraham? Was that a misprint or is it a joke that I'm missing out on in some way?

 

Other than that though, highly entertaining as always. 

 

Never heard of him and didn't know he was Irish. I didn't shit on him or Connolly though, other than to say until this weekend I didn't know who either of them were. In fact, I said Connolly was lovely... I mean lively.

 

And in fairness, being one of Ireland's better players these days is like being one of the fastest snails.

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Terrific weekend that was indeed, and you forgot to mention Brest won and you did great business with me.

 

Can we have the entire list of the Dave U’s boys plizz ?

And can you get your daughter to testify you’re not lying ? 

 

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I particularly liked your image of Conolly. It was indeed a football fans purist dream of a weekend, if you support Liverpool of course, not so much for the dregs of society  who await our first slip up so they can dip their toes into the fountain of success. I guess they'll have to wait a while longer. 

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15 hours ago, Arnaud said:

Terrific weekend that was indeed, and you forgot to mention Brest won and you did great business with me.

 

Can we have the entire list of the Dave U’s boys plizz ?

And can you get your daughter to testify you’re not lying ? 

 

 

No chance I can do a list as it's impossible for me to keep track. I've had more boys than a Catholic priest.

 

 

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On 11/10/2019 at 19:44, dave u said:

 

Never heard of him and didn't know he was Irish. I didn't shit on him or Connolly though, other than to say until this weekend I didn't know who either of them were. In fact, I said Connolly was lovely... I mean lively.

 

And in fairness, being one of Ireland's better players these days is like being one of the fastest snails.

I'm delighted there's another lovely Connolly in the world to take some of the pressure off me. 

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Onto Sunday now, and what a great day that was. Unless you follow a Manchester team of course.

 

I work in an office in Stockport and I don't think that I heard any talk about football until Wednesday - and then it was some guy trying to get rid of 2 tickets for Utd v LFC (I kid you not).  Whilst me and a couple of Reds I know were walking around permanently smiling. 

I knew that Wolves would do okay - I even kept Coady in my Fantasy Team.

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Still, it could be worse, he could be Danny Murphy who put Choudhury’s foul on Mo down to tiredness, even though the fucker had only come on the field five minutes earlier. 

I think that you missed the point that Danny was making there, Dave.  He meant that Mo must have been getting tired for Choudhury to even get close enough to clatter him.

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