How long do you take having a shit?

[Tony Moanero]

12 minutes ago, Shooter in the Motor said:

What biscuits would have been most popular in the 1980s?

Top 5 biscuits in the 1980s Moanero household

 

1. Custard Cream

2. Coconut Cream

3. 

4.

5. Lemon Puff

[Sugar Ape]

Who remembers Lincoln biscuits? Used to love them. I believe you can still get them in Ireland. For that reason I’d back recolonisation. 

 

 

[Dr Nowt]

57 minutes ago, TK421 said:

During last year's CL final I was cat sitting for a friend.  I'd been schmoking during the day and had quite the appetite.  I ate fucking loads.  I ate tuna mayo sandwiches for lunch and a diabolo Pizza Express pizza for dinner just before the match, but that was just the main meals.  On the snack side of things I ate about six packets of Nik-Naks and most of the large sweety jar that was kept in the lounge.  Then, when the match started going wrong, I started comfort eating and turned to the nuts.  What a mistake.  They had full packets of most of your commonly known nuts:  Brazil, pistachio, walnuts, macadamia... you name it, they had it.  I stuffed my fat little face full of the fuckers.  On top of all that I had about six beers and I'm sure I had other snacks like the odd biscuit or sausage roll.

 

As the famous Mudhoney once said, when tomorrow hits it'll hit you hard.  It started out okay.  I recounted what I'd eaten the day before and braced myself for a long session.  But I had no idea.  By midday, I'd been about four or five times and it's around then that the novelty started to wear off and the pain kicked in.  I just couldn't stay away from the toilet.  With my ring stinging from the alcohol and diabolo pizza (they are hot) I started passing what seemed like a never ending supply of shards of nuts.  By this point I was actually saying out loud "this is the worst day of my life", and it was.  On and on it went.  The pain was excruciating and, in my humble opinion, must have been similar to giving birth.  Each time I went was more painful that the one preceding it.  Masses of undigested nuts continued to scrape through my colon, leaving traces of nut shards and blood on the toilet paper.  I felt like I was being bum fucked by that devil thing from Jacob's ladder.  This went on all day and into the early evening.  At around 5pm I was desperate to feel something against my bum which wasn't a nut, so I ran a bath and hopped in, in the hope that the water would provide some relief from the pain but it was a crude and ineffective solution.  I kept having to return to the throne for the latest round of nut hell.  Eventually, at about 8pm, after another agonising nutshit, I collapsed into bed and fell asleep for an hour from the exhaustion of it all.  When I woke up the ordeal still wasn't over, and I had to have one final plop.

 

The end. 

I like that, unless you’re designated cat-sitter for a range of friends, you’ve made plans for the same again this year.

[rubble-rouser]

2 hours ago, Lizzie Birdsworths Wrinkled Chopper said:

I luxuriate over mine. The median is probably 30 mins but often known to be in excess of an hour.

 

Proper get a mood on if anyone tries to talk to me while I’m in there as well. A crasser display of social etiquette than sounding a klaxon during a minute’s silence.

 

Unless a baby is on fire and you lack access to a rudimentary means of extinguishing the blaze, seriously fuck off and cease intruding on the sanctity of my shit. 

3-4 wanks over Popov there

[rubble-rouser]

On the relatively occasions that my stools are on the firmer side of watery it feels like Myra Hindley is having her way with me with Dion Dublin’s undercarriage. So I prefer a rapid transit after my morning coffee and yoghurt, barely letting it touch the sides.

 

Either way, it is the most exhilarating, liberating and perfectly human experience there is. The great leveller. A ‘breaker of chains’ if you will. Less a means to an end than an end in itself.

 

Elvia Presley was never so kingly as in his passing. 

 

That is all.

 

(less than 5 minutes, 3-4 times per day)

[Dr Nowt]

Essentially just puking out of your arse then, Claypole.

[rubble-rouser]

10 minutes ago, Lizzie Birdsworths Wrinkled Chopper said:

Essentially just puking out of your arse then, Claypole.

If only it were that easy. My nipsy likes a challenge 

[cloggypop]

You just have to love how any single thread has the opportunity to turn to Mudhoney and biscuits. 

[Dr Nowt]

Enough about the consistency of rubble’s shit already.

[Nunavut Patrick]

I will take no 4 on Tony 'Ten Hour Bog' Moanaro's list.

 

 

[Evelyn Tentions]

As a kid, the toilet was the only place I could go to get to read a book without constant interruptions. I would happily stay there for hours. I still like to read on the bog , the actual having a shit is usually accomplished fairly quickly.

A couple of years ago I had problems with a bug called Clostridium dificile. This meant that I would suddenly need to find a toilet NOW and I would evacuate my bowels in nanoseconds - whether or not I was on the bog or even had my pants down. I stayed close to a toilet for a couple of weeks

[Captain Turdseye]

9 hours ago, Lizzie Birdsworths Wrinkled Chopper said:

designated cat-sitter for a range of friends

 

Bjornebye’s dream job right there. 

[Trumo]

2 hours ago, Evelyn Tentions said:

As a kid, the toilet was the only place I could go to get to read a book without constant interruptions. I would happily stay there for hours. I still like to read on the bog , the actual having a shit is usually accomplished fairly quickly.

A couple of years ago I had problems with a bug called Clostridium dificile. This meant that I would suddenly need to find a toilet NOW and I would evacuate my bowels in nanoseconds - whether or not I was on the bog or even had my pants down. I stayed close to a toilet for a couple of weeks

 

At Hogwarts they call that Shithouse AIDS.

[VladimirIlyich]

Where is the 'it varies' option? Or 'shit varies' should I say?

[Skidfingers McGonical]

20 overs of Stick Cricket.

[Bjornebye]

8 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

 

Bjornebye’s dream job right there. 

 

 

[Guest]

19 hours ago, Tony Moanero said:

Top 5 biscuits in the 1980s Moanero household

 

1. Custard Cream

2. Coconut Cream

3. 

4.

5. Lemon Puff

[Tony Moanero]

6 minutes ago, Shooter in the Motor said:

Top 5

 

1. Quatro 

2. Wimpy chocolate milkshakes 

3. He-Man

4. Walkman

5. Banana Toffos 

 

Chas was a cunt.

[Captain Turdseye]

Yet another thread that’s been completely Moanero’d. 

[Captain Turdseye]

IT’S 2019 FOR FUCK SAKE

[Bjornebye]

4 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

IT’S 2019 FOR FUCK SAKE

Not in Moaneros. 

 

 

 

[Tony Moanero]

11 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

IT’S 2019 FOR FUCK SAKE

More’s the pity.

[Bjornebye]

If we added up all the time we have spent having a shit as a collective then we could transport Moanero back to a better time. 

[Tony Moanero]

13 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

If we added up all the time we have spent having a shit as a collective then we could transport Moanero back to a better time. 

Saw someone from mental heath, the other week, regarding depression and anxiety.

 

Her: “How can we help you today?”

 

Me: “Have you got a DeLorean?”

 

Her: “Eh?”

[Dr Nowt]

10 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

Saw someone from mental heath, the other week, regarding depression and anxiety.

 

Her: “How can we help you today?”

 

Me: “Have you got a DeLorean?”

 

Her: “Eh?”