Funerals

[Carvalho Diablo]

Just got back from the funeral of the dad of one of my very best friends and have had a cracking time.

 

Good fun but also very poignant and really quite affecting. It's strange how the older I get, the more affecting I actually find these things. I guess with age comes naturally deeper and more significant bonds?

 

I've been to some hilarious funerals and one particularly horrible one in the past, I've also learned that you can never quite tell what the fuck's what until it's been and gone. All said and done, I'm pleased that today's is all over with and it was a really fitting tribute.

 

I started a thread about grieving a little while ago and you lot outdid yourselves, I found that thread to be very informative and beneficial, perhaps this one might follow suit or perhaps you might just regale of funereal tales of mirth, mayhem and disaster.

[magicrat]

The only one you want to be there both in body and mind is the only one you can't go to.

 

I went to wedding at the weekend which was the first for ages. It's depressing how often funerals come around . these days ! Seriously though a few are a good laugh in the bar when stories come out but I can't say I find the vast majority a fitting memorial to the deceased.  A lot of it is so impersonal or inaudible .

I did the eulogy at one of my best mates about 10 years ago and I found it one of the most stressful days of my life so i feel for anyone in that position. I've done others since but when it's people that die before their time its hard.

 

[cloggypop]

I went to my German hippy mate's one a couple of weeks ago that was genuinely good. The last song was some Goa trance thing with Terence McKenna talking psycho babble about hallucinogenics with his son and daughter dancing around his open coffin. The picture on the coffin was him skinning up while looking cool as fuck. Then we all went the pub and talked about how boss Andre was. It was pure Andre, saw a load of great people I hadn't seen in time and it was a genuinely enjoyable day. 

[lifetime fan]

Despite having no religious or spiritual beliefs I do find the ritual and ceremonial aspect of a catholic funeral service quite reassuring and cathartic. 

 

Carly was adamant she didn’t want a ‘funeral’ and it would be a celebration of life. 

 

No one was allowed to wear black, no one was allowed to wear a tie, everyone was encouraged to wear bright colours, she wanted people to laugh through the celebration and not cry. 

 

To be honest I was very concerned it could end being tacky and chavy but it seemed to work. To the point I’d have something a bit more uplifting for myself. 

[littletedwest]

It's my dads on Thursday. It's a catholic service but not a full mass. Dreading it but I know he'll get a good turnout. 

It's my birthday tomorrow fair to say I've had better ones 

[Rico1304]

1 hour ago, lifetime fan said:

Despite having no religious or spiritual beliefs I do find the ritual and ceremonial aspect of a catholic funeral service quite reassuring and cathartic. 

 

Carly was adamant she didn’t want a ‘funeral’ and it would be a celebration of life. 

 

No one was allowed to wear black, no one was allowed to wear a tie, everyone was encouraged to wear bright colours, she wanted people to laugh through the celebration and not cry. 

 

To be honest I was very concerned it could end being tacky and chavy but it seemed to work. To the point I’d have something a bit more uplifting for myself. 

It worked mate. 

 

But the chances of you having something beautiful like that are fucking zero! It’ll be full of birds trying to tip the coffin over and drive a stake through where your heart should be! 

[manwiththestick]

6 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

It's my dads on Thursday. It's a catholic service but not a full mass. Dreading it but I know he'll get a good turnout. 

It's my birthday tomorrow fair to say I've had better ones 

Condolences to you, hope it goes as it should.

[Section_31]

The cost of them takes the piss. 

 

Me mum's fella died a couple of years ago and I had to arrange and pay for the whole thing.

 

First one I went to offered us one for about 4.5k even though I said we had about 1.5 at most. Said she could do finance deals and when I went back later to collect the death certificate and told her we'd managed to find a cheaper one she got shirty and asked why I hadn't given her the chance to 'shave some costs off'.

 

Co-op were expensive, another offered us a basic funeral where they take the body to the chapel in an ambulance and dump the body there. 

 

Now, I never liked the guy, and if he'd had to arrange my funeral I'd probably have been dumped in a skip, but even so, I wasn't gonna have that. 

 

Found some people called kiss goodbye in gateacre who did it for about 1800 and it didn't skip a beat, couldn't fault it.

 

I applied to get some of my money back by applying for the social funeral fund for my mum, they put a whole team on trawling through her finances- I shit you not- and gave us about 700 quid back. They shaved off every single quid they could find an excuse for.

 

Even funerals have been monitised like never before now. All sorts of madcap shit out there. 'For 700 quid we'll ride a steamroller over you and mulch the roses. It's our basics plus plus funeral.'

[cloggypop]

12 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

It's my dads on Thursday. It's a catholic service but not a full mass. Dreading it but I know he'll get a good turnout. 

It's my birthday tomorrow fair to say I've had better ones 

Condolences, Ted

[Bjornebye]

12 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

It's my dads on Thursday. It's a catholic service but not a full mass. Dreading it but I know he'll get a good turnout. 

It's my birthday tomorrow fair to say I've had better ones 

Sorry to hear that mate. Try and have a good day tomorrow as hard as it will be. 

[lifetime fan]

30 minutes ago, Rico1304 said:

It worked mate. 

 

But the chances of you having something beautiful like that are fucking zero! It’ll be full of birds trying to tip the coffin over and drive a stake through where your heart should be! 

 

To be fair by the time I’m dead no one will want to go anywhere near my corpse. 

[Rico1304]

10 minutes ago, lifetime fan said:

 

To be fair by the time I’m dead no one will want to go anywhere near my corpse. 

Ha ha ha.

 

Today’s funeral was unique as all the mourners wore Hazmat suits and the Environment Agency demanded the grave be lead lined and topped with concrete. 

[SammyAftershave]

36 minutes ago, lifetime fan said:

 

To be fair by the time I’m dead no one will want to go anywhere near my corpse. 

Are you planning on giving yourself your signature breakfast treatment?

[VladimirIlyich]

1 hour ago, lifetime fan said:

 

To be fair by the time I’m dead no one will want to go anywhere near my corpse. 

A cremation in your case,surely?

[sir roger]

My mum never used to bother making a tea for my dad on a Friday as him and his old cronies used to end up finishing the buffets of all the funeral mourners in the Dunnys Club in Walton.

 

I told the wife last year that I had chosen her funeral song ( Last Time Forever by Squeeze ) and got fuck all thanks - may be one for the world of a woman thread.

[Strontium]

2 hours ago, Section_31 said:

The cost of them takes the piss.

 

Thought the thread was going to be about that at first.

 

It's almost as much of a scam as weddings. How much does it cost to dig a fucking hole or light a fire?

[lifetime fan]

1 hour ago, VladimirIlyich said:

A cremation in your case,surely?

 

I don’t give a fuck. I’ll be dead. 

 

Whatever is cheapest! 

[VladimirIlyich]

10 hours ago, lifetime fan said:

 

I don’t give a fuck. I’ll be dead. 

 

Whatever is cheapest! 

Not for the first time you'll have burnt your sausage.

[Bjornebye]

12 hours ago, lifetime fan said:

 

I don’t give a fuck. I’ll be dead. 

 

Whatever is cheapest! 

Just don't die during a fuel crisis please mate. 

[General Dryness]

35 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Just don't die during a fuel crisis please mate. 

In that case we'll just have him laminated and donate him to the nearest deviants club as a sex toy.

[Bjornebye]

23 minutes ago, General Dryness said:

In that case we'll just have him laminated and donate him to the nearest deviants club as a sex toy.

Dont say that, he will be on suicide watch! 

[General Dryness]

2 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Dont say that, he will be on suicide watch! 

Fair point mate. Don't do it Col, it's more fun when you can still feel the fisting!

[lifetime fan]

One of my best mates Dad committed suicide, Rich was in a pretty bad way up until the funeral and when we got back to the tennis club for the wake he was necking pints of cider with shots of port. 

 

About midnight we head back to his, there’s me, Rich, his sister, his fit cousin and her husband. 

 

We carry on drinking but Rich keeps passing out and snoring. At one point his sister wakes him and tries to get him to go to bed. 

 

Rich opens his eyes, tells her to fuck off and that he wasn’t asleep, necks a pint in one and passes straight out again. 

 

About an hour later we’re all ready for bed and Rich’s fit cousin tries to wake him, she starts shaking him saying “Rich, I think we should go to bed”. 

 

Without even opening his eyes Rich says “you’re hot and you know I’ve always wanted to fuck you but you’re married”. 

 

His sister burst into tears, his cousin was mortified, her husband wanted to kill him and I fell out the chair on to the floor laughing. 

[littletedwest]

Went really well. Dads best mate did the eulogy they'd known each other 65 years, he introduced my mum and dad to each other and was their best man.Good turnout for him as well.

Had a few after which he would have wanted.

[DalyanPete]

Went to my first Muslim burial today. English friend who died on Sunday. That is actually slow for burial here as its usually done within 24 hours. I had heard the body is in a shroud and didn't know what to expect(shroud of Turin and all that) just looked like a biodegradable body bag. You can have a coffin if you want, which is generally knocked up from crates. Cost for the lot, few hundred quid. Very respectively done. Boy does the UK rip the people off.