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Featured: That was the week that was (April 19-26 2019)

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By tlw content,
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tlw content Grand Master

tlw content

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Saturday Apr 20:
 
Fuck off City. A spawny undeserved 1-0 win over Spurs today puts them one step closer to the title and means we’re relying on United even more than ever. And United are shit, so God help us.

 

Meanwhile, the six nominees are announced for POTY. Virg and Sadio are on the list, along with Sterling (fair enough), Aguero (hmmm, maybe), Hazard (yep) and Bernardo Silva. Not having that. He’s had a good season but Andy Robbo, Salah or Son Heung Min are more deserving than that snide little fuck.

 

What pissed me off even more though is that Bernardo is also up for the Young Player award. He’ll be 25 in a few months!!! How the fuck is he considered a young player? This award is an absolute fucking joke. I’m surprised Harry Kane isn’t up for it again. Sterling is though, and he’s 24 too and has been playing top flight football for *checks wiki* SEVEN FULL SEASONS!!! 

 

Somewhere along the line they’ve lost track of what this award is actually supposed to be about. When James Maddison, Aaron Wan-Bissaka and Ben Chilwell are not on a shortlist of six for young player of the year, it makes a mockery of the whole thing. You have to wonder whether they’d have even nominated Joe Gomez had he stayed fit. I’m guessing not. 

 

The writers will get that one right, but they’re also nailed on to give Sterling the main award and it won’t be just because of football reasons (although in fairness he has probably been better than everyone else other than Virgil). Their colleagues on the front pages have given him so much unwarranted shit that some of the back page lads will be wanting to make it up to him. Virg has no chance of that one unless we pip City to the title.

 

Meanwhile, the Brazilian press reckon we’re interested in a 23 year old striker from Gremio, who goes by the name of.. wait for it… Everton. I’m all in on this one, imagine the fume from the Blues when the Kop are all chanting “Ev-er-ton”. Even better, imagine how funny it will be when they are singing it themselves in a derby, especially if he scored. Edwards, make it happen.

 

A report claims that ‘liverpool’ is the most commonly used football related password. Not surprised, we’ve got more fans than virtually everyone, and when you throw in all the Everton, City and United fans who’s passwords are ‘fuckliverpool’ or ‘liverpoolscum’ etc then it makes sense.

 

Funny story. My cousin once had an account on ‘Love at Lycos’ back in the day. Don’t get me wrong, he had no trouble attracting female attention on night’s out (he was usually having to beat them off with a stick) and this account was just for a bit of a laugh more than anything. 

 

He didn’t have a computer at the time so used to use the one in my mum’s. He went on holiday for a couple of weeks and while he was away I thought I’d do a little bit of tampering with his account. I had to get into it first though. What would his password be? First attempt, ‘liverpool’. I’m in. Unbelievable.

 

First stop was his profile. Changed from straight to bi. Next stop, changing the picture. I went to mingers.com and found an incredible photo that looked like a lab experiment of him gone wrong. Seriously, you know that Halloween episode of the Simpsons when Bart has an ugly twin who they keep in the attic? This was like that.

 

So I changed the photo, and then went cruising around different pages, because whenever someone visited your page you could see it. I visited loads of pages, left a couple of messages here and there and then logged out.

 

Two weeks later, he comes back from his hols and he’s in my mums. I’m outside the door, listening. He logs in, and then I can hear him muttering to himself, confused and wondering how come there were loads of gay fellas messaging him. Then he sees the photo of himself and hears me pissing myself outside of the door. That’s when he realised what had happened. On reflection, it might have been the greatest day of my life that.  


Sunday Apr 21:

 

Cardiff 0 L 2 Nice professional job in the end. It took longer than we would have liked to get the first goal, and I’m not gonna lie, my arse was starting to go a little at half time when we hadn’t scored, but looking back now, there was no way we weren’t going to score as we were creating chances and Cardiff were never going to be able to keep going in that heat.

 

Gini’s goal was a belter and Milner’s pen was typically calm and clinical. Mad that there are people out there who don’t think that was a foul. Fucking dickheads. If that wasn’t a penalty, then we may as well just abolish penalties altogether.

 

Should have been more than 2-0 really but goal difference is unlikely to come into it, so it’s all about the points. We need City to slip up somewhere, but it won’t be at Old Trafford. I said yesterday that United were shit, but it appears I was being too kind. They’re much worse than that. 4-0 at Goodison? Every single one of them involved in that shitshow should be ashamed.

 

At least it means they’ll have to put in some effort on Wednesday, but get your money on a ‘plucky defeat’ and an ‘at least they tried’ narrative being pushed afterwards. Fucking losers. As if they’re going to take any points off City. Like I’ve been saying for weeks, if anyone is going to help us out it will be Burnley.

 

Meanwhile, two more goals for Harry Wilson this weekend, taking his tally for the season to 16. He’s played mostly in midfield so that’s an impressive number. It’s going to be interesting to see what we do with him next season but when you look at the players we have competing for midfield spots, there’s no room for him there.

 

Maybe he’s an option for the front three, but a loan at a Bournemouth or Newcastle would probably serve him best. I really like him though, I’d love him to nail down a place here one day.

 

Emre Can wins the title with Juve and posts on social media “I came here to win trophies”. Cue clickbait articles about him having a dig at Liverpool. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Congrats Big Sexy, I don't begrudge you your success but equally I've barely given you a second though all season and you've not been missed in the slightest.

 

Transfer rumours today see us linked with Nicholas Pepe, a forward from Lille who is tearing it up in Ligue 1 this year, and Ajax playmaker Hakim Ziyech. Not seen anything of Pepe, but Ziyech is boss. Fuck it, sign them both, we’re having great success with African forwards so why not? Now that the AFCON isn’t in January there’s no reason not to, especially as we need to replace Sturridge and Lallana this summer.

 

 

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dave u Grand Master

dave u

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3 hours ago, Ezekiel 25:17 said:

This story is completely fabricated, my password was Henchoz, that he did guess first time.

Actually yeah, that rings a bell now.

 

What happened was my first attempt was liverpool and when that didn't work I went with henchoz and that got me in.

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