World Cup 2018 Round Up (Days 1-3)

[tlw content]

It all kicked off on Thursday with the hosts spanking Saudi Arabia. I skipped the opening ceremony because… well, Robbie Williams? Bollocks to that. Seriously FIFA, that’s the best you can do for one of the biggest sporting events in the world? Should we expect to see Ronan Keating in four years time? Geri Halliwell maybe? Abs from 5ive? (all joking aside, that would be fucking boss). 
 
I tuned in just before kick off as the anthems were about to start. That Russian team is a right ugly bunch of bastards. Last time I saw a line up like that they were getting their arses kicked by Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and the lads. Some proper hard looking fellas in that side though. A couple of them look like Putin released them from the Gulag just to take part in this tournament. 
 
There were only three Russians I’d even heard of and one of them (Alan Dzagoev) only lasted about ten minutes before his hamstring went ping and he had to go off. They were already 1-0 up by that point and Dzagoev’s replacement, Dennis Cherychev, made it 2-0 with a brilliant finish. He’s another one I’d heard of, but only because we kept getting linked with him when he was at Real Madrid. 
 
Another sub got on the scoresheet too. Some big fucking bruiser who looks more like a sparring partner for Ivan Drago than someone who should be playing in a World Cup. He had been benched after a disagreement with his coach and has a reputation for being troublesome. He was bombed out of Zenit for falling out with Roberto Mancini, although Mancini is such a notorious bellend I imagine it’s harder to not end up abusing him, so I wouldn’t read too much into that. 
 
He’d only been on the field a few seconds when they slung in a cross and he headed it in. He ran to his coach and the coach gave him the old Tim Sherwood to Adebayor salute. Love that, mainly because it reminded me of Sherwood. I miss ‘Timmy Tactics’ and his magic gilet. What a man. 
 
Russia were in total control but had to wait until stoppage time to increase their lead when the big fella nodded one down for Cherychev who curled one in with the outside of his left peg. Great goal that. Another one followed with the last kick of the game as Golovin curled in a free kick. He was really good actually, looks a useful player him. 
 
Russia have a Brazilian right back. I was wondering how that came about so I looked him up on wiki. Now without wanting to come across all Nigel Farage here, I can’t see how this is acceptable. He’s Brazilian, he grew up in Brazil, started his career in Brazil, even played a fucking international friendly for Brazil. Five years mercenary work in the Russian league doesn’t change that. Or at least it shouldn’t. 
 
He moved to Russia in 2012 when he was 22 and now, five years later, he’s playing for their national team. How is this allowed? I don’t even like the ‘grandparents’ rule, but at least that gives someone a tenuous eligibility for that country. This is ridiculous, but then if a country with as many good players as Spain are doing it with Diego Costa then others are going to follow suit I guess. 
 
It’s shit though. What’s the point of international football if nations can just import Brazilians or whoever. He’s lived in Russia for five years and qualified for Russian citizenship. Good for him, but that does not make him Russian, especially when he’s already fucking played for Brazil. 
 
Mind you, the Saudis could probably do with some Brazilians of their own because they were fucking useless. They were neat and tidy on the ball and if there was a World Cup for playing one and two touch in tight spaces between cones they’d probably make the semis. They’re shite in both boxes though. Can’t defend and can’t attack. 
 
The left back wasn’t bad but he defo sees himself as a Poundland Marcelo. I like the right winger too, but if I’m honest I’m basing that entirely on him shouting “Hey! Fuck!” at the ref when he didn’t get a throw in. 
 
The result led to inevitable complaints about why are these shit kickers allowed in when Italy and Holland are at home watching it. I see both sides to this though. It is a ‘world’ event and not just for Europe and South America, but at the same time there’s a part of me thinks this is like just inviting Everton to play in the Champions League. It’s lowering the standard and cheapening the competition. 
 
That was the only game on Day One, although I’m not sure why. There should have been a game in the night time instead of there being three the next day and four the day after.
 
Day Two kicked off with the much anticipated clash between Egypt and Uruguay. Much anticipated because it was supposed to be Salah v Suarez, but we were robbed of that by Ramos, the big shitstain. Unsurprisingly, it was pretty dull. 
 
Poor little Mo cut a forlorn figure on the subs bench and despite the coach being adamant a day earlier that he was fit and would feature, he clearly had no intention of playing him. I’m not sure he even warmed up. If he had, I think the cameras would have picked it up seeing as they were showing him as much as they were showing the actual game. 
 
Egypt were toothless up front but they dug in and looked like they were going to frustrate the Uruguayans, but the last ten minutes saw them come under increasing pressure and eventually they cracked when Giminez rose highest and planted a header into the corner. He played well, as did his defensive partner Godin. 
 
Those two are probably the reason that Mo wasn’t risked. Throwing him out there with his bad shoulder against Uruguay? Like throwing chum in the water and going for a swim off Amity Island. 
 
Egypt have a player called ‘Trezeguet’. It isn’t his actual name, he just bears a passing resemblance to the French striker and people called him that, so he’s stuck it on the back of his shirt. You’re probably expecting me to frown upon that and rip him aren’t you? Well I’m not going to. I’m in favour of this. Players calling themselves after who they look like is a fucking great idea. I might start doing it myself in every day life, just telling people my name is “Salas” after the great Chilean striker. Or “Travolta”. 
 
Martin Keown’s commentary was the highlight of this game. He comes out with some proper random shit but I find him entertaining. He reckoned Egypt were wise to leave Mo out because Uruguay’s centre backs would have been going for his shoulder at every opportunity. Why? Because that’s what he’d do. “I played against Ruud Gullit once and he had a bandage on his knee. It was like a dartboard to me”. Not sure that analogy quite works, but we know what he meant. 
 
Morocco v Iran is the only game I’ve skipped so far. I had to go out and although I recorded it when I heard the score and how it ended I just couldn’t be arsed watching the full game so went with the highlights instead. A Morocco player looked like he might have a concussion and the doctor came on and slapped him across the face a few times. That was the best thing that happened. 
 
Iran won it in stoppage time with an own goal. The ultimate coupon buster that. I did a thing where you predict the winner of every game in the tournament and if you get all of them right you get like 100 million quid or something. That one result probably fucked up about 90% of the entries, including mine. I had a good run though, getting the first two right. 
 
So three shit games to start, but the Friday night game was great. We might not get a better one all tournament. It was a weird one to watch though because I didn’t know who to root for. Ramos v Ronaldo? Eurgh. 
 
Ronaldo bought a cheap penalty early on and I found myself wanting Spain to equalise. They did, through my boy Diego Costa (he’s my boy now he isn’t at Chelsea anymore). It probably shouldn’t have counted as he smashed Pepe in the face in the build up, but the way he took the goal after that was ace so I’m glad it stood. 
 
So at 1-1 I’m back to not knowing what I want next, but Ronaldo makes it 2-1 after a howler from De Gea. Prick never does that shit in a United shirt does he? Now I’m wanting Spain to equalise again, which they do through Costa again. What now? Fucked if I know, but it was fun to watch. 
 
Nacho then thumped in a worldy to give Spain the lead and now I find myself desperately wanting Portugal to equalise. And what’s really weird is I was wanting Ronaldo to be the one to do it, even though it meant a hat-trick and that he’d be hogging all the limelight. Yet when they got that late free-kick I really wanted him to score. Can you believe that? I can’t explain it. I was rooting for Ronaldo. 
 
I didn’t think he would score because I’d said in the first half when he smashed one into the wall that “he’s fucking shite at free-kicks, someone should tell him he’s not having them anymore”. Turns out he’d taken 44 in major international tournaments and it was his 45th that finally went in. 
 
It was fucking brilliant though. One of the best free-kicks I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how he did that. He sort of hit it with his side foot but it went like a top spin lob by Roger fucking Federer. Spain had two big fellas on that side of the wall and he went over them both and got it back down again under the bar. Spectacular. Whisper it, but I was happy for him. No, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me either. Worrying though. 
 
Take Ramos out of the Spain side and I’d have no major beef with them, although the Barcelona lads can fuck off. Pique said after the game “Ronaldo has a habit of throwing himself to the floor”. He’s right of course, but… YOU PLAY FOR FUCKING BARCELONA AND SPAIN!!! 
 
Pique is in a giant glasshouse there and he’s not even bothering chucking stones, he’s just taking a wrecking ball to the fucking thing. Footballers, eh? 
 
Spain played some nice stuff though and if Costa keeps scoring they’ll go far, irrespective of the whole new coach thing. Not really having Portugal though, but then I say that every tournament and they make me look like a tit. Obviously with Ronaldo they’ve always got a chance, but fucking hell, they’ve got Jose Fonte in the team and the Ronseal Man Bruno Alves is still knocking about too. And Ricardo Quaresma!!! Yeah he’s still there. Fuck me. Are Fernando Couto and Simao still in the squad too? 
 
There is some new blood though. That lad from PSG who is meant to be really good. He had a right Jon Walters of a night though. I felt bad for him actually, he was trying so hard to impress Ronaldo but he just kept fucking up. It was painful to watch, but I’ve been there, I know what it’s like. 
 
Not at a World Cup, admittedly, but back in the TLW Footy days we had this Argentinian lad who used to play with us, and he was fucking unreal. He’d played in the youth team at Real Betis and had trials with a few English clubs, and there was basically nothing he couldn’t do with a football. Honestly, he was fucking tremendous. 
 
So any time I played with him I’d be putting all sorts of pressure on myself. Not just because I wanted to impress him (although I did want to, desperately, we all did), it was mostly about not wanting to let him down. And the harder I tried, the shitter I played. But as brilliant a footballer as he was, he was also the nicest lad you could ever meet, so no matter how many shit return passes I gave him, or sitters I missed after all his great work to set me up, he’d never, ever express any displeasure. He didn’t need to. I hated myself enough for the both of us. If you’re reading this, Emilio, I’m sorry. 
 
Ronaldo on the other hand, fucking hell. He’s constantly giving team-mates the stink eye. Imagine the pressure of playing alongside that stroppy twat? That poor lad from PSG wilted under it, as so many have done before.
 
Four games on Saturday was a bit much, even for me. I watched all four, but more out of obligation than anything else and I was bored rigid for most of them. That’s the thing with World Cups, the idea of them is usually a lot more enjoyable than the reality. 
 
Day Three began with France stinking it up and stealing three points against the Aussies. Absolute shite they were and that victory was so undeserved that if they had anything about them they’d tell FIFA they want to hand two points back. France have jumped to the top of my 'least favourite team' list because of Pogba and Griezmann. 
 
I might even root for Spain or Portugal against them, that’s the amount of disdain I’ve got for those two. The rest of them? No problem whatsoever. French people in general? Sound, like ‘em. Pogba and Griezmann though, they represent the absolute worst aspects of modern football. Fuck France, the sooner they go out the happier I'll be. 
 
I’ve got no love for the Aussies either and I quite like them being shit at footy because they generally have things their own way in cricket and rugby and are usually pretty fucking smug about it. Them being shit at footy seems fair. That said, I felt bad for them, they deserved much more than the kick in the balls they got. 
 
The pen for the challenge on Griezmann could have gone either way. It was a bit soft but the ref (or in this case video ref) is entitled to give that. Little bit surprised that Griezmann just got up and took it though, I thought there might have been a delay while he got his phone out and live streamed the whole thing on social media, inviting his followers to ‘like’ for him to go to the keepers right and ‘RT’ for him to go left. 
 
Australia levelled with a penalty of their own after Umtiti inexplicably handled. He was kicking off about the decision too, the cheeky bastard. Then again, when you play for Barca or Madrid you’re used to getting everything your own way so I can’t blame him for his sense of entitlement. Jedinak buried the pen and the Aussies were looking comfortable until they conceded a total fucking fluke to that preening fuck Pogba. 
 
He’ll obviously claim that goal because he’s a wanker, but not only was it not on target before the defender got his toe on it, he wasn’t even taking a shot, he was trying to dink the ball over the defender’s head. So fucking spawny. If he gets awarded that goal then FIFA needs to be closed down. 
 
Next up, Argentina, who didn’t cover themselves in glory against Iceland as Messi failed miserably in his bid to respond to what Ronaldo did the night before. He’s shite at pens, always has been. So why does he take them? Because it’s ‘expected’ would be my guess. He’s the star so it’s his responsibility. It would be a national scandal if he didn’t take them, but it shouldn’t be because he’s terrible at them. He’s the worst World Cup penalty taker since Diana Ross. 
 
He played pretty well overall and went close with a couple of good efforts, but Argentina really found it tough breaking Iceland down. Iceland are the Burnley of international footy aren’t they? Really hard to play against, defend deep and pack the box but they can get it down and play a bit when the chance is there. I don’t think they have a player under six foot either. 
 
Anyone criticising them for how they play really needs to have a word with themselves though. What they’ve done the last few years is incredible. Some of their players aren’t even full time professionals, but they’re going toe to toe with some of the biggest football nations in the world and holding their own. They’re boss, I’m rooting for them. 
 
Argentina are the most top heavy team in the history of football though. They’ve got so much attacking talent that one of the best strikers in Europe (Icardi from Inter) couldn’t even make their squad. But their keepers are bench warmers in Manchester and their centre backs are Otamendi and Rojo. It’s like having Chaz & Dave as the backing music for Elvis. Argentina have got no chance of winning this tournament. 
 
Next up was Peru and Denmark. Peru were ace, they’re my favourite side so far. I love how positive and attacking they were, but it didn’t do them much good against Denmark as they missed a pen and lost to a nice counter attacking goal. 
Their style was so refreshing though. They get the ball and they fucking go, no messing about. They were unlucky really. They had a few good chances but couldn’t take any of them. 
 
Carillo was outstanding. He was at Watford this season apparently. I don’t remember seeing him, but then Watford have a squad of about 100 players scattered from all four corners of the world. 
 
I’m looking forward to seeing Carillo and Peru play again and based on this I could see them beating the Aussies and putting the shits right up France. I’d love them and Denmark to go through and send Pogba & co home early. 
 
Loved the passion in their anthem too. I’m on the lookout for a new anthem this tournament with Italy not being here, and Peru made a strong claim here. Looking forward to next time. 
 
Finally, the night game. Big Dejan took less than 10 seconds to make his mark on the tournament, completely flattening Ighalo straight from the kick off. Ighalo is still doing that one trick he has. It worked superbly for the first six months he was in the Premier League and then when everyone got wise to it he had to fuck off to China. 
 
Lovren had a really good game and made a couple of crucial blocks. Croatia were comfortable enough but didn’t play well. They didn’t need to because they were given two goals on a plate and Nigeria were fucking useless. 
 
I’d never noticed this before, but Rakitic is exactly what Marko Arnautovic would look like without the steroids. The resemblance is uncanny. His team-mate Vida has staked a serious claim for the worst haircut of the World Cup. With ears that big you don’t go for a shaved at the sides pony tail look. Fucking hell mate. 
 
The early punditry has been a bit disappointing. Roy Keane is leading the way for me right now due to how thoroughly appalled he was with Nigeria at half time in their game with Croatia. He accused them of treating it like a friendly and not looking arsed, and then when he saw them huddling together on the pitch to start the second half he could barely hide his disdain. “Dey shud av dun dat at de start. Dey need to wake up”. 
 
By full time he’d gone beyond being angry and just seemed like he couldn’t even be arsed ripping them. He just sat back, looking thoroughly fed up and let Slaven Bilic spout bollocks about how Croatia are going to win it all because they just beat Nigeria without even breaking sweat. 
 
Bilic has clearly been told to pipe the fuck down and let Lee Dixon speak occasionally or he’s not going to be allowed back on. We’ll see how long that lasts. 
 
Jermaine Jeans telling Phil Neville “don’t try and tell me how to play centre midfield” amused me, mainly due to the deluded nature of it. You’re not Gerrard or Lampard, son, you’re Jermain fucking Jenas. Gary Neville has been alright but ITV have missed a trick by not getting Carra on there with him. 
 
Ryan Giggs could send a glass eye to sleep. Think I’ve mixed my sayings up there but basically what I’m saying is he’s the world’s least charismatic man. Incredibly boring, I can’t believe anyone actually pays him for his opinion. 
 
Miserable Lawro has been quite amusing so far, just pissing all over everything and telling us how shit it all is. Particular highlight was his sneering tone when the French left back was rolling around the floor. “What’s up with him, dislocated shoelace?” It’s a shame him and Keane are on different channels because that’s the dream team right there. 
 
As for the others, Didier Drogba is a bit dull and Patrice Evra can go fuck himself. The sound gets muted as soon as he starts talking. Cesc Fabregas is weirding me out with that auburn tinted wig Wayne Rooney wore on Monday Night Footy a few months ago. What’s up with that? 
 
You know the maddest thing though? Mark Clattenberg’s accent. His voice doesn’t go with his face at all and I struggle to take him seriously now. Maybe it’s me, but refs shouldn’t have thick regional accents, they’re meant to sound authoritative and headmasterly. Clatts looks like a right smooth bastard, then he opens his mouth and he’s all “way aye man, Spuggy and Byker Grorrrve like man”.
 

 

Please note, future World Cup Round Ups will only be available to TLW subscribers. Subscriptions cost just £2 a month (you need to register first, registration is FREE) and can be purchased here.

[The Guest]

Every World Cup they get a load of foreign big names in and they’re always absolutely terrible and they end up smashing the myths of far England are behind because of how intelligent the foreign players are. It was Cannavaro the other year. He has got to be the worst they’ve ever had. Every time though they stumble on gem. I can’t remember if it was the last World Cup or the one before that but they had Seedorf on and he just bossed it. I think Fabregas has been pretty good. Drogba, Evra and Larson have been awful.

 

I actually enjoy Lawrenson. He’s so depressing and he tells terrible jokes but just go with it. It’s like Terry Wogan and the Eurovision. It just wouldn’t be the same without him. Phil Neville commentating though. Get him fucked off. The other thing I picked up on today was Bilic waving his arm right in front of Keane’s face. It was comical.

[manwiththestick]

Evra was terrible today, really patronising to the other studio guest due to the fact she actually knew what she was on about and then his defence of Pogba?

 

Fuck off knobhead.

[rubble-rouser]

Fabregas has been good

[Trumo]

He’d only been on the field a few seconds when they slung in a cross and he headed it in. He ran to his coach and the coach gave him the old Tim Sherwood to Adebayor salute. Love that, mainly because it reminded me of Sherwood. I miss ‘Timmy Tactics’ and his magic gilet. What a man.

 

[Spy Bee]

I'm not saying Roy Keane is miserable, but I saw him waiting outside the pub for Happy Hour to finish.

[Trumo]

Repped for the Geordie Racer reference at the end there.

[Trumo]

Every World Cup they get a load of foreign big names in and they’re always absolutely terrible and they end up smashing the myths of far England are behind because of how intelligent the foreign players are. It was Cannavaro the other year. He has got to be the worst they’ve ever had. Every time though they stumble on gem. I can’t remember if it was the last World Cup or the one before that but they had Seedorf on and he just bossed it. I think Fabregas has been pretty good. Drogba, Evra and Larson have been awful.

 

I actually enjoy Lawrenson. He’s so depressing and he tells terrible jokes but just go with it. It’s like Terry Wogan and the Eurovision. It just wouldn’t be the same without him. Phil Neville commentating though. Get him fucked off. The other thing I picked up on today was Bilic waving his arm right in front of Keane’s face. It was comical.

 

They do get it right quite often though. Seedorf and Leonardo were good pundits in previous World Cups, and Adebayor spoke well too when he did some punditry in 2010. Fabregas has been good so far. I tend to avoid the studio pundit analysis usually and just stick to the game, so I find myself getting more annoyed with co-commentators who constantly moan about misplaced passes and off-target shots, as though they expect 100% accuracy in every instance. These co-commentators were usually limited journeymen whose second touch was a tackle so I don't get their fixation with accuracy.

[Dr Nowt]

Gianluca Vialli and Clarence should be automatic studio picks.

[UnwelcomeinPeru]

I wouldn't want to come across as shallow but I also thought Vida looked ridiculous. If Legolas shagged Prince Charles that's how I imagine their child would look. 

[Luckyhillkop]

Great round up. The bit about Griezmann with 'RT' and 'like' is hilarious!

[dave u]

I wouldn't want to come across as shallow but I also thought Vida looked ridiculous. If Legolas shagged Prince Charles that's how I imagine their child would look. 

 

Nailed it.

[index1000]

More Russian Stereotypes in the first two paragraphs than an entire Daily Mail. Dave will be smoking a Woodbine and wearing a pork pie hat if this continues.

[index1000]

-I might start doing it myself in every day life, just telling people my name is “Salas” after the great Chilean striker. Or “Travolta”. - 

 

Or Gerry!

[ATXRED]

I'm with you on Peru, they are fun to watch.

[Closer To God]

Brilliant. These round ups will probably be the best thing this WC. 

[Ipplfc]

Great round up that but very surprised there was no mention of the fantastic jet black hair of the Peru team

[Nunavut Patrick]

I work with this Russian lad. Big lad, but not a Gulag face though.

 

Anyway I said to him good win for you and he said p, This is Putin's tournament. No choice. Maybe not see family again if lose and embarass Putin.