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Premier League Round Up (Apr 21-23 2018)

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Bit of a weird weekend due to the FA Cup semis, which I’m not going to talk about because I didn’t watch either of them and frankly couldn’t care less about. In terms of the Premier League there were hardly any games on Saturday. We shit the bed at West Brom and there was an eventful goalless draw at Vicarage Road. Eventful only because of my boy Wilf Zaha, who was involved in everything. 
 
It started when he wanted a penalty early on after stumbling over under no real challenge. He didn’t get it but he did get a shove from an irate Doucoure instead. His reputation had gone before him as the Watford players and crowd were on his case all day. It all kicked off in the second half after a few incidents involving him. First he angered the Watford players further by catching the keeper with his studs. Looked unintentional but he was lucky not to get a yellow for it. 
 
Soon after he was claiming a pen again but was given a free-kick right on the edge of the box. The Watford players surrounded the ref wanting him booked for a dive (there was minimal contact but he certainly milked it), and soon after they got their wish when he went down in the box yet again and the ref finally bowed to the pressure and booked him. 
 
The funny thing is that one was a blatant penalty, so I guess you could say this is the story of…. wait for it…. ‘the Boy Who Cried Wilf’ 
 
What? Fuck off, that’s gold that is. 
 
He is a diving bastard like, but along with Vardy he’s probably one of the non-LFC players I enjoy watching the most. I don’t think it will happen and I’m not even saying it should, but I can’t help wonder how good Zaha might end up if Klopp got his hands on him and linked him up with our front boys. He is ridiculously talented but whether this is as good as it will get for him or if he’s got another level or two he can still reach I have no idea. 
 
One thing I know is I wouldn't want him to end with Spurs or Chelsea as he's significantly improve both of them.
 
Onto Sunday, and Wenger took charge of his first game since the decision to fuck him off at the end of the season was announced. He revealed this week that the announcement had not been his idea. No shit. If he’d been left to decide his own future he’d be there until his last dying breath.
 
Hell, he’d probably state in his will that Steve Bould should be his successor and that he must bring his ashes and place them in the seat next to him for every game, while his ghostly apparition would visit old Bouldy the night before every match to tell him what line up to pick. 

Ok ok, I’m being daft now. Clearly if Wenger is ever capable of coming back as a ghost he’s not going to waste his time with Steve fucking Bould. He’ll be haunting Mourinho, or better yet he’ll be visiting Troopz as the ‘Ghost of Arsenal Past’ to show him the error of his ways. “What the fuck, fam? Is you a ghost, blud? Get the fuck out my room, fam. Ya understand, blud? Wenger OUT” 
 
Anyway, it was a good day for Arsene as the Gunners had a 4-1 win over West Ham, although it was not as comfortable as the score suggests. After an uneventful first half Monreal broke the deadlock after the break but a crisp finish from Arnautovic drew the Hammers level. Imagine where they’d be without him, he’s almost as important to West Ham as Zaha is to Palace. 
 
Ramsay restored Arsenal’s lead with a complete fluke. His cross should have been headed away by Declan Rice but for some reason he ducked under it and Hart was left with no chance. Lacazette made it 3-1 with a deflected shot and then added another soon after to give the score a much more flattering look than Arsenal’s performance merited. 
 
Moyes angered the West Ham support with his comments afterwards, basically pinning the loss on young Rice. He did make a bad mistake, but Joe Hart’s been dropping clangers all season and Moyes said fuck all. Rice has done really well this season and West Ham fans seem to really like him. Certainly more than they like Moyes anyway. But kids who play centre back make mistakes, it goes with the territory and it’s why big teams rarely have young central defenders. 
 
To dig him out like that was shithouse behaviour. Picking on the kid like that is vintage Moyes though. Imagine having him as your manager? There’s literally not an ounce of joy in him, the miserable dour dull bastard. He’s just a fucking loser. Everything about him screams “LOSER” and he’s got the charisma of cardboard. Sunderland have just been relegated to League One, but you know what, at least Moyes isn’t their manager anymore so it’s not all bad. 
 
Speaking of charisma though, I heard a teaser on the car radio today for a story about “a former Premier League boss who has turned his hand to writing erotic fiction”. I had to get out of the car so didn’t hear the actual story and therefore don’t know who they were talking about, but if it isn’t my main man Pards then colour me seriously fucking surprised and disappointed. 
 
Elsewhere, City celebrated their title by rolling over Swansea at the Etihad and in the process became the Premier League first team to attempt over a thousand passes in a single game. Not a big deal in my opinion. It’s not exactly difficult to do when the opponent is just so relieved you aren’t trying to score against them that they’re happy for you to just pass it around as much as you like. 
 
It’s understandable (up to a point) for a team like Swansea I guess, but you know what the previous record was? City against Chelsea the other week. Just shows you what a fucking cowardly disgrace the reigning Champions were that day. Passing stats are massively over rated though. Sometimes I’d watch Barca and see Messi and Iniesta playing three yard passes to each other in the centre circle for no purpose other than just playing three yard passes to each other. It did my head in, it’s dull as fuck. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, City weren’t dull against Swansea and they scored five goals so that’s not really the point I’m making. What I’m saying is they should be lauded for the five goals they scored and the terrific football they played, not for attempting a thousand passes, half of which will have been utterly pointless. Why play 50 passes when you can do it in three? Give me our manic ACDC footy over that tippy tappy Mozart shit all day. 
 
City’s first goal from Silva was great though, with the pass from De Bruyne the best part of it. The second was the exact same goal we’ve seen from them *checks Sterling’s goal total* 23 times this season. Lovely play to get the byline, low cross across the box and Sterling tapping in from a yard out. Fair play to him, he’s figured out how to overcome his main weakness of shooting like a nine year old - he just makes sure he’s only ever a couple of yards out when he shoots now. 
 
De Bruyne made it three with a right fucking pile driver. He was great, as he has been all season. He’d have been a worthy winner of the Player of the Year - if Mo hadn’t been better than him. There’s no shame in being the second best player in the league though. And there’s none in being the third either, which is what De Bruyne is, because, well….
 
 

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Sterling then dived to win a pen that Fabianski brilliantly saved, but Bernadro Silva scored from the rebound. Terrible from the ref not to see what Sterling had done though as it was obvious even without any replays. He got his toe to the ball before the defender and then he was already on his way down before the contact came. 

Jesus headed in number five after a well weighted lob from Yaya Toure, who I’d forgotten even existed to be honest with you. Where’s he been all season? Why is he still there when he never plays? There was also a Phil Foden sighting late on too. “What a season this youngster has had!” said Kevin Kilbane. Errrrr, U wot m8??? He’s had less of an opportunity than Dom Solanke! 
 
Foden gets garbage time minutes when they’re winning games by four or five and this is being used by Egghead Pep’s fanboys as evidence for how City want to bring kids through. Are we pretending the failed Mahrez bid didn’t happen then? We’ll see how many minutes he gets next year when Guardiola goes out and spend £80m on someone else who plays in his position. Hopefully Klopp has already told him not to be signing any new contract there. 
 
There were plenty of empty seats which has been the cause of much derision and piss taking from elsewhere. I’m torn on this really. Ticket prices are so fucking obscene these days that I find it a bit distasteful ripping fans for not being able to afford to go. City are not a traditional powerhouse club like us and United, who attract fans from all over the country and beyond. 
 
They seem to have a shit load of visitors from the far east but it’s not like they have thousands travelling from other parts of England. So expecting them to fill their stadium every week from their local fanbase is unrealistic. The fact is, loads of fans can’t afford to go the game anymore and laying into City’s fans for that seems a bit Tory to me. 
 
So I can’t in all good conscience take the piss out of City’s stayaway fans. I can sneer at the ones who do actually show up though because they’re a genuinely terrible, lame as fuck fanbase. Witness the pitch invasion at the end at exhibit A. The chanting of “Champeone” is exhibit B. So in summary, City fans are shit, but it isn't because they don't fill the stadium. 
 
Elsewhere, Badou Ndiaye put Stoke ahead against Burnley. I genuinely have no clue who he is. Has he even played before? *googles* Ok, so they bought him in January from Galatasaray for £14m and apparently ‘three Premier League sides’ want to sign him if and when Stoke go down. Bet anything you like Everton are one of those. He’s got “Fat Sam signing” written all over him. Unless Willie McKay isn't his agent in which case he can forget it. 
 
Diouf should have made it 2-0 but completely missed the ball, which is hardly surprising because he's shit. Butland made two brilliant saves to keep Stoke in the lead but he was eventually beaten by the ‘best shit player in the league’ (© me) Ashley Barnes. 
 
Burnley had loads of chances to win it late but Stoke held on for a point that really doesn’t do them much good. They’re in dire straits, but even that doesn't explain why they brought Steven Ireland on!! Fucking hell, who even knew he was still playing?? Not me. That’s a proper blast from the past. What is this, 2008? What’s Michael Johnson doing these days? (Probably three lines of coke for breakfast before a day down the bookies). 
 
Finally, the Blues beat Newcastle 1-0 on Monday night. No-one cared. Not even the Blues.

 

 

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That erotic fiction could be the fat-headed lesbian you know, he’s already written some football detective novels hasn’t he.

 

Just thinking about how skin-crawlingly bad a Steve Bruce bodice-ripper would be, while simulataneously thinking of a few furtive Google searches I wouldn’t want showing up when someone else uses my laptop.

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Haha! Reading that link it’s actually a Jilly Cooper novel and Redknapp has been helping her because it’s based around football!

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Haha! Reading that link it’s actually a Jilly Cooper novel and Redknapp has been helping her because it’s based around football!

 

An excerpt:

 

The menacing low rumble of the black Range Rover with the Overfinch pimping announced his presence, making her salivate in anticipation. She'd already had her castle well and truly stormed the night before, but she was thirsty for more. She needed a new experience, to be tamed by the wiles of the older gentleman. She watched the vehicle come to a stop just in front of her, a shiver running up and down her spine. The agonising wait was making her moist as the driver's side window slowly inched its way down to reveal his face. When he spoke, she knew she was a goner.

 

"Awight love. Tonight's you lucky night. Let's get you up them apples and pears and have a good old knees up. Triffic!"

 

This was going to be a night to remember.

 

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Great report Dave, proper smiling reading it. But really, I'm not sure about this...

"Give me our manic ACDC footy over that tippy tappy Mozart shit all day." Now forgive me, but I'm happy for you to describe our footy as "ACDC" but not wanting "tippy tappy Mozart shit". It's like saying 'I despise Everton, they remind me of wonderful warm summer evenings'.

 

Mozart is not a bad thing dickhead.

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Great report Dave, proper smiling reading it. But really, I'm not sure about this... "Give me our manic ACDC footy over that tippy tappy Mozart shit all day." Now forgive me, but I'm happy for you to describe our footy as "ACDC" but not wanting "tippy tappy Mozart shit". It's like saying 'I despise Everton, they remind me of wonderful warm summer evenings'. Mozart is not a bad thing dickhead.

 

Oh look at Mr Lar de dar aren't I cultured over there.

 

No way do you listen to Mozart. You're no different to me, when you're in your car you're listening to Belinda Carlisle, Madonna and the Pet Shop Boys just like I am.

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You have missed your calling. All you require now is a suitable surname to complement Trumo. Augustus or Peregrine maybe.

 

Imagine the level of word art if tags weren't limited to about 20 characters. Now imagine we had tagging.

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Do you think Wenger leaving is actually the worst thing that could happen to Arsenal Fan TV? Who the hell is going to watch if they're not losing their shit at someone? I guess they could always direct their anger at Kroenke. Maybe that might be next year's storyline. 

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Belinda Carlisle: the worst dancer in world history...

 

 

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I wish I could dance that well!

 

I'm struggling to see what's wrong with it too.

 

She's the Dancing Priest of pop stars. Same ridiculous thing for years on end...

 

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