Premier League Round Up (Dec 9-13 2017)

[tlw content]

The biggest game of this week was undoubtedly the Manc derby. First versus second, City versus United, Oasis versus Simply Red, Mourinho versus Guardiola. The scoreline was close but the game itself certainly wasn’t as City just had their way with their neighbours.

 

Initially United fans were seething at how big the gulf was between the sides, but that storyline went away pretty damn quickly as Mourinho showed once again that he’s overtaken Frank Lampard as the ‘King of the Deflection”. 

 

He knows what he’s doing and even I’ve got to give him credit as his ability to change the narrative is unparalleled. It works every time, he knows just how to manipulate situations so that no-one is ever talking about how he’s Tony Pulis’d the shit out the richest club in the world.
 
City led through Silva but Rashford levelled with United's first chance of the game at the very end of the first half. Otamendi and Delph made a right pigs arse of that, but Otamendi made amends by bagging the winner after the break. Said last week he's a better attacker than he is defender. 
 
It was so easy for City that the only thing Guardiola had to be concerned about was when Mangala was wearing a Santa hat to warm up on the touchline. Not sure what his beef was there, but it's a bit rich him kicking off over someone else's choice of clobber when he's wearing a fucking enormous scarf that it looks like he nicked out of the BFG's wardrobe. 

 

Instead of discussing just how comprehensively outplayed United were, all week the stories revolved around the tunnel fight, City’s ‘disrespectful celebrations’ and Mourinho showing up outside their dressing room telling them turn their music down. He truly is something else. 

 

Apparently City had their music on loud and Mourinho didn’t like it. He’s got a point, there are other ways of celebrating victories in big games. Ways that are in no way disrespectful at all…. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course I have no love for Guardiola either, but choosing a side here is easy. Let’s say I’m casually strolling along a bridge, and all of a sudden I see two fellas dangling off the edge, holding on desperately for dear life. A closer inspection reveals that it’s none other than Mourinho and Guardiola. What am I to do? Which one do I reach down and pull up? 

 

Obviously it’s Guardiola. I reach down and say “here you go Pep lad, grab my hand and I’ll pull you up”. Mourinho then pipes up, “you’ve got a free hand, reach down and help me up”. To which I respond “You’re right Jose, I do have a free hand, thanks for pointing that out”. So I then reach down with my free hand, and grab Pep with that one too just to doubly safe. 

 

I pull him up to safety and then we both stand there until Mourinho can’t hold on anymore and plummets to his death. I pat Pep on his stupid bald head and we laugh heartily, and then while his guard is down I shove the eggheaded goon over the cliff and he lands with a splat next to Mourinho. 

 

I’m not sure what point I was trying to make as it got away from me a little there at the end. The general gist of it was supposed to be that I hate them both but Mourinho is far worse. 

 

Perhaps the only person who hates Guardiola more than I do though is arl Zlatan. No surprise that quotes from him were dug up this week, from when he called the chrome domed City boss “the most immature” manager he’s had. Bit rich coming from a fella who if he’s not referring to himself in the third person, it’s only because he’s calling himself a fucking lion. 

 

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[buster69]

Good stuff as usual Dave. I always prefer the weekend round ups to the match reports. The reports are just a general "Well, we're not that good are we?" whereas the roundup you get to flex you, not inconsiderable, comedic chops.

 

By the way have you ever heard the "King" story about Pardew? Look it up online if you have the time. It's a cracker

[dave u]

I have indeed. My favourite Pardew story ever that one.

[Dr Nowt]

Just had to google "Alan Pardew King", as I'd forgotten that story.

 

One of the articles the search returned had this in it, which I'd never heard before.

 

Simply magnificent, true or otherwise.

 

A few years ago now, a well known London-based scribe hosted a party. The guest list varied from friends and family to work colleagues and a few folk he knew from the world of football.

It was a pretty big house and one room was cornered off to the bemusement of most of the revellers. It transpires that this was the VIP area. At a house party.

Alan Pardew, then manager of West Ham United, was the only person sitting in it.

[rb14]

"Speaking of stupid haircuts, Mahrez is channeling his inner 1990s Peroxide Robbie Fowler. Never a good look that...." 

 

Some people carry it off extremely well, particularly when it's natural. 

 

When your own house is on fire, don't set fire to your next-door neighbour's. 

[dave u]

"Speaking of stupid haircuts, Mahrez is channeling his inner 1990s Peroxide Robbie Fowler. Never a good look that...." 

 

Some people carry it off extremely well, particularly when it's natural. 

 

When your own house is on fire, don't set fire to your next-door neighbour's. 

 

I always assumed yours must be natural rather than peroxide as usually when you see someone with that, they realise how ridiculous it looks and grow it out as quickly as possible.

 

When I was in school, we always referred to anyone with that look as "bird shit head".

[Tossed and blown]

‘stupid bald head’

‘eggheaded goon’

 

No mention of these terms in the Steve McMahon interview?!

[dave u]

Al, you know how much respect I have for the bald brethren, but there's not a great deal else I can throw at Guardiola is there?

 

Yeah, Pep, you might be a handsome, successful, rich fella at the very top of your profession and loved and admired by almost everyone in it, but can you grow a head of hair like mine? Eh? EH? No you can't, you eggheaded fuck.

 

Let me have this small victory.

[sir roger]

Guardiola will ape Conte by turning up next season with a mid-1960's Beatles mop top weave.