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Premier League Round Up (Oct 28-29 2017)


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The biggest game of the weekend was the Mancs beating Spurs. I called that one, it was obvious. Said to my arl fella, this’ll be 0-0 or they’ll get a spawny late winner. I didn’t watch it, I don’t even know who scored and frankly I don’t care. As with most United games now, all I know about it is what I read on Twitter. 

 

Mourinho was at his two faced, hypocritical double standard best before the game. It was only recently he was patting himself on the back for “not complaining about injuries, unlike some other managers”. All it took was a question about whether his plans for facing Spurs changed because of the absence of Kane, and he went off, reeling off a list of nondescript turds that were missing from his line up and telling the interviewer to ‘ask Mauricio’ if his plans changed because of that. Yeah, Pochettino’s entire gameplan went up in smoke when he realised Marcos fucking Rojo wasn’t starting. 

 

Sick of these spawny twats. They got to face us without Mané and Spurs without Kane. What’s going to happen when they play City? Probably an outbreak of bubonic plague that takes everyone down and forces City to line up with Shaun Goater, Jamie Pollack, Nicky Summerbee and co. Never in the history of sports has one team enjoyed so much good fortune. Except maybe the New England Patriots. Fuck them too. 

 

Technically, Mourinho did have a load of players unavailable. It’s just most of them were utterly insignificant. Fellaini is a big loss as it reduces the capability to go full on alehouse if they need to chase the game. Pogba was the most high profile absentee, but there’s an obvious difference between United losing Pogba and Spurs losing Kane. It’s more like Spurs losing Serge Aurier actually. When you lose him you don’t think “oh no, he’s great, how do we possibly replace him. No, you think “who’s going to fill the ‘stupid hair, trying too hard to be edgy like Dennis Rodman’ role now? 

 

Jose won the game but once again took a load of flak for his team boring the arse off everybody, only this time it wasn’t just pundits having a pop, it was sections of the Old Trafford crowd. He of course wasn’t going to stand for that and has had a few veiled digs back at them. And so it begins. 

 

Not that any of it really matters because nobody is going to stop City this year. From the scoreline, it looks as though West Brom really gave them a game on Saturday. In reality they didn’t, it was a complete arse kicking and City should have scored eight. 

 

Sane drilled in a brilliant opener and they should have been up by three by the time Rodriguez got in behind their dodgy backline to level. I know they don’t concede many, but any time you see the opposition getting near City’s goal it always looks like they’ll score. Their defence is dodgy as fuck and might cost them in the Champions League, but it’s not really a factor domestically. It almost feels churlish pointing it out. Like talking about Mike Tyson not keeping his guard up high enough. I mean technically it’s correct, but does it really matter? 

 

Fernandinho’s deflected strike put City in front again and Sterling tapped in to make it 3-1. Somehow West Brom managed to not concede any more despite City slicing them open at will, and then a howler by Otamendi (he’s shite him) presented a gift to Phillips in stoppage time and gave Pulis some bragging rights. “We gave them a good game, proud of my lads, most teams will be blown away by them but we hung in there etc etc etc”. 

 

Of course for some people, the only thing worth discussing from this game was the lack of a poppy on James McLean’s shirt. I could understand the reaction the first year it happened, but if he’s not worn one before he’s not going to wear one now, is he? So why the fume every year? These knobs kicking off about it would be gutted if he actually wore one now, because they enjoy being outraged about it. You don’t need to bring up the poppy thing to call McLean a knobhead, there’s plenty of other reasons. 

 

Stoke won 1-0 at Watford. Only Charlie Adam knows how it wasn’t 2-0. That miss at the end was inexplicable for a player who can open tins with that left foot. Mind you, he looked like he’d been scoffing the contents of whatever was in those tins, as he was waddling down the field, wheezing, and looked like he was about to fall over at any point. 

 

I like him though, always have, even when he played for us I was rooting for him when others seemed to hate him. There’s a little bit of all of us in Charlie Adam. He represents the average Joe. He’s not some superfit, athletic freak like 99% of Premier League footballers. He beat the system. You see Charlie out there and you think “if he can do it, maybe I could have too, if only I’d been spotted”. He’s one of us, except he made it. Well in Charlie, good for you son. 

 

The other take away from this game was the bizarre confrontation between Deeney and Wee Joe. It was deeply unpleasant to watch, and not because of how a magical looking Deeney looked like he was trying to crush Wee Joe’s beautiful little face as he laughed like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. Even more disturbing than that was how Wee Joe responded. It looks like he’s trying to move in for the snog. 

 


Fucking hell Joe, each to their own and that, but I’m just saying, you can do waaaaay better. You’re an 8, he’s a 2. You’re level is defo an Emre Can or an Olivier Giroud, not old Bee Sting face Troy. Imagine how disappointed Brendan will have e been seeing that. 

 

It was looking for a while like it might be one of those great Saturday’s where you come home from the match and settle in for an evening of Arsenal Fan TV, as Clucas gave Swansea a half time lead at the Emirates. Sadly the Gunners came back in the second half and pooped the party. That big fucking tank they have playing left back scored again, and then he made the winner for Ramsay. He’s good him isn’t he, that left back? Seems to do something every time he plays. 

 

Elsewhere, Chelsea made hard work of it but eventually edged out Bournemouth 1-0. Both teams had chances but Hazard’s goal settled it. Shocking goalkeeping by Begovic though, who seemed to be doing his best to gift Chelsea a goal all day. Part of the agreement to let him go? Ake was shite too. Just sayin’ like. 

 

Chelsea got spanked by Roma in midweek though, and defensively they were a shambles. The bit when three of them chased Dzeko around like the end of Benny Hill was fucking ace. Not even our defence are that shambolic. There’s just something not right there. It’s not the hot mess it was when soft shite was in the dying throes of his last reign there, but you can just see there’s something a bit off there and I don’t expect Conte to be around after this season. 

 

Palace went 2-0 down at home to fellow strugglers West Ham, whose away kit made them look like Man City. They started the game playing like City too but by the end they’d remembered they were West Ham and shit the bed. Hernandez drew first blood with a nice improvised finish to convert a Cresswell cross. An incredible double save from Hart kept them ahead and then an absolute fucking rocket by Ayew made it 2-0. 

 

Bobby Madley gave Palace a lifeline by awarding them a penalty for what was virtually an identical incident to one he ignored on Zaha at the other end. He’s such a terrible ref him. I think he’s actually the worst, but I am aware of what a bold claim that is as most of them stink. 

 

Hart was outstanding and it looked like his heroics would earn the Hammers a precious away win, but hilariously, with the last kick of the game Palace equalised through Zaha. It all came about from Antonio channeling his inner David Ginola and instead of taking the ball to the corner flag for the final few seconds, putting in a shite cross that gave the ball back to the opposite, who promptly went down the other end and scored. Marvellous. 

 

Bilic was furious with Antonio afterwards, and Hart actually called it unprofessional. Could have been worse, he could have called him a traitor like GH did with Ginola. It wasn’t just Antonio being unprofessional though, West Ham actually had six players in the Palace half in that attack. Hell, Palace only bothered having three lads go back and defend, everyone else was hanging around the West Ham box. It’s 99% on Antonio though really. Bilic must have wanted to kill him. 

 

This whole thing amused me. I have no love for Palace or Hodgson (I’m really warming to Zaha though, he seems like a nice lad as well as a top player), but fuck West Ham and their free stadium. Hope they go down with the Ev. 

 

Speaking of whom, things go from bad to worse for our not so friendly neighbours. They played on Sunday this week, along with Brighton and Southampton, which ended 1-1. I’ll get that out of the way first. It won’t take long. 

 

Davis headed in a rebound after a brilliant free kick from Ward-Prowse came back off the bar, but Fraser Forster allowed a soft header from Murray to beat him at the near post. I fucking hate that big goon. He does shit like this every week but always turns into Dino Zoff when he plays us. 

 

You get a couple of these Sundays in the opening months of the season, where the TV companies put some shitty teams on who no-one cares about just so they can fill the quota and not have to show them at the business end of the season. This was one of those Sundays. 

 

Leicester’s opening goal against the Blues was glorious. Gray ran past abut six Everton players and released Mahrez, who crossed first time for Vardy to finish. Brilliant football, Leicester at their best that. You can tell Leicester’s players are happy with the new manager as Mahrez and Vardy are passing to each other again. They did that for Ranieri and Shakespeare too until they decided they wanted him out. 

 

Gray is claiming Leicester’s second but it was sliced into his own net by Jonjoe Kenny. He’s the kid their fans wanted Koeman to pick and they turned on him when he kept overlooking him. Red Ron probably had a little chuckle at that one. 

 

What a week for the Unsy’s Blues though. Knocked out of the league cup last week, beaten by Leicester on Sunday and then humiliated on Comedy Thursday again. This is great, I hope it carries on forever. It won’t though, they’ll ruin it by hiring Fat Sam and he’ll keep them up. 

 

“David Unsworth looks like a manager” said Guy Mowbray. Yeah, he looks like a manager of a cash & carry or a DIY shop, not a Premier League football club. I’ll stop there though, just in case I start sounding like Joey Barton. 

 

Barton saying Unsworth can't be a manager because he's fat and therefore not in a position to tell players to eat right and train hard… that was fucking great. I pissed myself when I read the full quote. It’s also complete fucking nonsense of course, but that doesn’t stop it from being funny as fuck, especially as he’s laying into an Everton hero.


 

Unsworth doesn't play anymore so if he wants to just get fat and eat what he wants, he can do. Fair play to him, far too many ex pros these days are down the gym every day, still eating healthily and trying to maintain their playing weight. Unsworth made those sacrifices when he was a player, well, he made some of them, he was a fat fuck even then, but the point is he doesn't have to now. If he wants to let himself go and look like ten pound of shite in a five pound bag, he can do and it doesn’t make a scrap of difference to whether he will be a good manager or not. 

 

David Unsworth will be a terrible manager because he’s David Unsworth. Whether he’s very fat or just somewhat fat has nothing to do with it. What was even funnier though was when Paul Ince defended Unsworth and Barton responded “he’s only saying that because he’s fat too”. Some top trolling there. 

 

In terms of ex pros with hot takes though, Barton wasn’t even the worst this week. Step forward Danny Murphy, ripping into the England under 17 kids for turning their shirts around to show their names, rather than display the Three Lions. He’s gone full on ‘yer da’ there. 

 

Far be it for me to condemn someone for picking a minor thing like a young footballer’s fashion statement or haircut and make something much bigger out of it. Hell, I do that shit every week and this column wouldn’t exist without it, so I actually give SuperDan credit for taking a stand. But pick your battles Danny lad, as you’ve had one there.

 

Now if any of those lads had their first name on the shirt, that would have been a different matter entirely.



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