Joke de Jour

[Ste Mc]

I'm on a roll now :smile:

 

 

Two builders are sitting in a proper builders alehouse, full of workies on a Friday evening at half past five. The door opens and in walks this posh looking fella in a top drawer, none of your Top Man shite, three piece suit.

 

One builder says to the other

“The state of him, what d’ya reckon he is, an accountant or something”

 

His mate says

“Na, I’ll bet he’s a lawyer or something”

 

“Alright”, says the first one, “I’ll bet you a fiver he’s an accountant”

 

“Yer on”

 

So the posh looking fella gets up and heads for the bog and the builder sees his chance and follows him, and the conversation goes a bit like this.

 

“Alright mate”, he says, “I don’t mean to be nosy or anything but, what do you do for a living”

 

“I’m a logical scientist”

 

“A logical scientist, what’s one of them ??”

 

“Well essentially, I take a random hypothesis and attempt to substantiate or disregard its veracity via a series of logical assumptions supported by empirical evidence”

 

“Erm….., You’ll have to help me out there mate. How d’ya mean ??”

 

“Well lets take an example, erm……… I know. Have you got a goldfish ?”

 

“Yes, I have actually”

 

“Good. Well, do you keep it in a pond, a tank or a bowl ?”

 

“I keep them in a pond, I've got a fair few”

 

“Well therefore on a logical continuum, it stands to reason that you’ve got a fairly big garden”

 

“Yes, I have actually”

 

“And it's therefore probable that you’ve got a fairly big house.

 

“Yes, 5 bedrooms”

 

“Five Bedrooms means its highly unlikely that you live alone, you must be married with kids.”

 

“I am yes. 4 kids I’ve got.”

 

“Well with 4 kids it’s a high probability that you have a good sex life”

 

“Oh Yeah. Me and the wife – 4 or 5 times a week”

 

“Well with such a good sex life you probably don’t masturbate”

 

“Eh – Now hang on a minute”

 

“Well, you don’t do you ?”

 

“Er, no I don’t actually”

 

“Well there you go, that’s logical science. From a single proposition, have you any goldfish, I can make a variety of inferences along a continuum based on your responses to allow me to discover all manner of intricacies of your life.”

 

“That’s great that mate, cheers”

 

So off he goes back to his mate who says ;

 

“So, What is he then”

 

“He’s a Logical Scientist”

 

“What’s one of them”

 

“Well, erm……. Let me explain. Have you got any goldfish ?”

 

“No”

 

“You’re a Wanker”.

[Agent Smith]

:lol: Heard the first two before Ste (still funny), but that last one's absolute quality mate. :thumbup:

[Erik T]

Here's another one that many probably have heard before, but here we go:

 

Chris Waddle and Gazza are driving through Newcastle one night checking out their old haunts, when they drive past this crowd of youths wearing Newcastle shirts. Gaz and Waddle think that it would be a good idea to wave to the fans to see how fondly they are remembered in the area.

One fan sees Waddle and shouts "Waddle, you git, you left us for those Spurs scumbags!!!!"

 

Just then, one of them sees Gazza and shouts "Oi Gazza you left us as well you fat useless piece of turd!!"

 

Gazza and Waddle were a bit peeved at the fans reaction so Gazza decided to pull his trousers down and moon at the fans out the back window to annoy them.

 

Just then, one of the fans shouts "Oi you Beardsley....."

[JustTosh]

God, being a football fan, wanted to move some of the football legends to a better neighbourhood in paradise. He took Dixie Dean and Bill Shankly with him in his car to show them their new homes.

 

First they came to a pretty little blue house with a small Everton flag hanging over the entrance door. God said: “Here’s your new home Dixie“. Dean was quite pleased as they drove on up the hill. A little later a beautiful castle emerged before their eyes. It was the most beautiful thing they’d ever seen, all in red with a huge garden. It had LFC banners everywhere as far as your eyes could see. The small birds in the garden were singing “The Fields of Anfield Road”.

 

Dixie went from satisfied to bitter and complained: “Why did I get just a tiny shelter when Bill’s getting all this?” The Almighty smiled to him and said: “You’ve got it all wrong mate, this isn’t Bills’s house, it’s mine!”

[Gav]

have to keep this thread going

 

 

 

A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you".

 

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge €80 an hour".

 

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

 

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".

 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

 

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds

This most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

 

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing

on the springs.

 

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds this

odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

 

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic

German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

 

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and

it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"

 

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

[Gav]

This is from the diceman-

 

 

Jack be numble,

Jack be quick,

Jack burnt off his fucking dick

 

Mary Mary quite contrary,

Trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

Each with a buck and a quarter,

Jill came down with two fifty,

The fucking whore.

 

Little Boy Blue;

He needed the money

 

Old Mother Hubbard she went to the cupboard,

To get her poor doggy a bone,

But when she bent over,

Up popped rover,

And gave her a bone of his own!

 

Hickory Dickory Dock,

This bitch was sucking my cock,

The clock stuck two,

I dumped my goo,

And dropped her off at the next block.

[Gav]

A skeleton walks into a pub,goes to the bar and asks for a pint of Stella and a mop

[Kurt]

This is from the diceman-

 

 

Jack be numble,

Jack be quick,

Jack burnt off his fucking dick

 

Mary Mary quite contrary,

Trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

Each with a buck and a quarter,

Jill came down with two fifty,

The fucking whore.

 

Little Boy Blue;

He needed the money

 

Old Mother Hubbard she went to the cupboard,

To get her poor doggy a bone,

But when she bent over,

Up popped rover,

And gave her a bone of his own!

 

Hickory Dickory Dock,

This bitch was sucking my cock,

The clock stuck two,

I dumped my goo,

And dropped her off at the next block.

 

The Diceman rules!

 

Had loads of mp3 with him that i unfortunately lost during a pc crash.... Remember one about midgets that was hilarious!!

 

Whenever i see the movie Ford Fairlane i know the dialogue almost word for word.... Sad i know... But true!! ;)

[Erik T]

Kurt, you probably know this already, but there are lots of CDs with Andrew Dice Clay's stand-up shows. I have 4-5 I think:

 

Dice rules

The day the laughter died

Dice in Madison Square Garden

The day the laughter died - part II

 

One of the "The day the laughter died" is a double-CD.

 

Bought them in Norway actually, but I guess they're also available from most netstores.

 

Remember Dice's New Year Poem?

 

"The old year has gone

Oh, how time does fly

To you and your family

I hope you will die."

 

Ford Fairlane rules!

- What's the definition of "vagina"? It's the box that penis comes in.

[Al Campbell]

Sing-a-song of sixpence

A pocket full of rye

Four and twenty blackbirds

Baked in a pie

When the pie was opened

A shrivelled blackbird sat

Said 'alright lads joke's a joke

What rotten sod did that?'

[Ronnie]

Gotta contribute some here

 

# 1 Husband climbs on the bed naked.

Wife: I have headache.

Husband: Good! I have powdered my dick with aspirin. U want to take it orally or as injection.

>

# 2 Three fastest means of communication:

1 Telephone

2 Television

3 Tell-a-woman

>

# 3 One day, DUREX complained to KOTEX: "KNN! every time u work, I gotta 7 days off!"

KOTEX retorted: "KNS! whenever u make mistake during work, I gotta take 9 months leave".

>

# 4 A man called his 4th wife - baby doll, 3rd wife - china doll, 2nd wife-barbie doll & 1st wife - GUESS WHAT NAME? Panadol

>

# 5 Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: "Look at that 75kg of pure dynamite".

Wife replies: "Fucking shame about the 2 inches fuse".

>

# 6 Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.

>

# 7 Man tell MP: My son a drug addict, my daughter a prostitute, my wife a gambler.

MP: Isn't there anything positive in your family?

Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.

>

# 8 What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??

Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!!!

>

# 9

Singh who is a gangster: SamSingh

Singh who is lost: MisSingh

Singh who is noisy: BisSingh

Singh who has three balls: AMAZING

>

# 10 Naked girl board taxi. Driver stared. Girl scold, never see naked girl ah?

Driver reply, see before but wondering where you keep your money to pay taxi fare.

>

[bri]

English, Scotsman and irishman are in a boozer. englishman goes its rubbish in here, in my local at home for every five pints the landlord buys you the next. The Scotsman goes thats nothing for every two pints you buy the landlord buys you the next, they have free taters and that on the bar and hes always giving out the odd free whiskey.

 

The irishman goes thats nothing I know a pub where you walk in they buy your drinks all night, take care of your every need and then take you upstairs so you can get laid as many times as you like.

 

The Englishman and scotsman go yeah and you've been there. The irishman replies No but me sister has. BUM BUM

[Ste Mc]

Wife is standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror looking at herself.

She turns to her husband and says :

 

"I'm overweight and fat, I've got cellulite, I've got stretch marks, droopy boobs and corned beef thighs. I feel really fed up. Is there anything good about my body at all ?"

 

Husband thinks for a moment and says

 

"Your eyesight's spot on love !" :lol:

[chorlton]

A woman says to her husband, why don't you say my name when we make love

 

the husband replies, because i didn't want to wake you.

[Ronnie]

More........

 

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't...

 

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to go to bed with one

Of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single, so just let it go."

 

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...............

 

"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

[Gav]

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

 

"Very good," said her mother.

 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

 

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

 

"Very good," said her mother.

 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

 

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

 

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

 

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

 

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[Original202]

Got sent a great email a few months back with some Chinese proverbs; Man who walk through airport sideways is going to bangkok etc Deleted the email by mistake though. Anyone know any more good ones?

[Gav]

Got sent a great email a few months back with some Chinese proverbs; Man who walk through airport sideways is going to bangkok etc Deleted the email by mistake though. Anyone know any more good ones?

 

 

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

 

 

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

 

 

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 

 

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

 

 

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

 

 

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

 

 

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

 

 

8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

 

 

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

 

 

10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

[Gav]

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

 

Man who run in front of car get tired.

 

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

 

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

 

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

 

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

 

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

 

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

 

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

 

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

 

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

 

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

 

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

 

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

 

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[redrosetints]

"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..." :whistle:

 

A dustman walks up to a house and cant find their bin, so he knocks at the door. After a while theres no response so he knocks again, this time a little japanese mans answers.

 

'Hero' says the flustered Japanese man.

'Wheres yer bin mate ? ' says the Dustman

'Oh I been having a pooh' replies the japanese guy.

'No, wheres your Wheelie bin ?' asks the dustman again, to which the Japense man replies ' Oh Ok I wheelie bin having a wank ! '

 

;)

[Ezekiel 25:17]

A young lads standing on the corner smokin, so a fella stops an says, christ lad how old are you ? the kid replies ten, ten and your smoking ! the kid says oh I yeh iv been smoking for about two years now, but thats nothin that, i lost me virginity last night, the fella totally shocked says come on your havin me on, you had sex last night, the kid replies yeh three times, fuckin hell lad, what was it like then ? the kid says, cant rememeber mate i was fuckin pissed again !

[Ronnie]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[Ronnie]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Ronnie]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money.

[johnb]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as

 

different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first

 

guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green

 

paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy,

 

"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

 

And the guy says," I'm green with NV".

 

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

 

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to

 

see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped

 

around her most intim ate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit,

 

what emotion have you come as?"

 

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

 

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, And the host

 

opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy, one standing stark

 

naked with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck

 

in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the fuck are

 

you doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street

 

like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

 

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Murphy here has just come in

 

despair"