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Euro 2016 Round Up (Round of 16)

tlw content

By tlw content,
in FF - Football Forum

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tlw content Grand Master

tlw content

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Switzerland are the dullest national side in the world. They're not good, not bad, just middle of the road and painfully beige. They’re what Aston Vanilla were for years before Randy Lerner got his claws into them and turned them into the Cleveland Browns.
 
They reach every major tournament but can you remember anything at all they've ever done in any of them? You know they were there but what did they do? Can you recall just one moment that stands out? I can't. Not until now anyway. Shaqiri's overhead kick was stunning and it's the goal of the tournament for me. We’ll probably remember that for a few years so, in my world at least, Shaqiri is now officially the third most relevant thing to come out of Switzerland behind Martina Hingis and Toblerones.
 
All that said, they didn’t deserve to go out on Saturday as they were better than Poland. It wasn’t a great game and extra time was particularly garbage; two teams scared to lose and prepared to take their chances on pens. That happens far too often really. Extra time is invariably shite, but it's still the best available option.
 
The pens were all good except for one. Granit Xhaka hasn't even kicked a ball for Arsenal yet but already he's wilting under pressure and his penalty was woeful. He'll fit right in with the Gunners.
 
Poland have been alright so far but this is surely as far as they’re going. You can’t be even duller than Switzerland and progress past the last eight, although Greece will beg to differ I suppose. 
 
Poland's defence has done well (the baldy lad is an imposing figure), the captain is a good player and the Dortmund fella on the right wing whose name I won’t even attempt to spell - let’s just call him “the Polish Milner” - has been very good. Lewandowski has been absolute Zlatan though. Zlatan Lewandowski.
 
Next up was the Battle of Britain. Wales wanted out of Europe and Northern Ireland wanted to stay in, so neither side got the result they wanted. The Green and White army gave it everything they had but it wasn’t quite enough. In terms of performance they have more to be pleased with than Wales, who didn’t do themselves justice at all.
 
It was an horrendous game totally devoid of any quality other than one wicked cross from Bale that saw the unfortunate McAuley put through his own net. In fairness to the old warhorse there was virtually nothing he could do, he was at full stretch and didn’t have the option of leaving it as Robson-Kanu would have had a tap in. Bale's cross was the only difference between the teams and as long as they have him Wales have a chance against anyone.
 
The game ended with Ashley Williams arguing with his own medical staff about whether he should come off or not. He flattened poor little Johnny Williams but landed awkwardly and did his own shoulder in. He should have gone off really but he was screaming “IT’S OK!!!” over and over and Coleman bottled out of subbing him, so Williams spent the last five minutes running around with one arm hanging limply by his side, like Pele in Escape to Victory. I'm sure that's not the first time Pele and ‘hanging limply’ have been used in the same sentence.

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Through Ball Apprentice

Through Ball

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Seeing Ricardo Rodriguez playing with the number 13 for Switzerland, I decided I'm going to start respecting every outfield player who wears that jersey. Most footballers are superstitious like old bingo playing hags, and to me that's kinda embarassing as it is looking for excuses rather than beliving in their own ability. So from now on every outfield players who picks the number 13, instead of the usual leaving it to the ressie goalie, have got my outmost respect.

 

During the same match I also decided to start not respecting any player, fan or manager (yeah looking at you too Klopp) who turns away to not see when a decisive penalty is being taken. As if where anybody sees has any bearing on where the ball ends up. Women. Women, women, women, all of you!

 

That also reminds me of Kiraly in the Hungary goal and his "lucky grey trousers". Lose those. If you're not man enough without them you'll never be man enough with them.

 

And Dan Sturridge... Walk on to the pitch forewards, not backwards. If you don't think you can score a goal if you walk on to the pitch in a normal way then you're not that good of a player are you.

 

This stuff is really piling up on me now.

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