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Family Strife


Section_31
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...

Not sure if I’ve mentioned this on here before but my dad is an absolute waster.

 
Hardly seen him in over 20 years since him and mum split up (he had a secret life with his then mistress). Made peace with it a long time ago but about 4 years ago we moved back to our hometown with our firstborn, who then at 1 years old he hadn’t met. 
 
In total he’s seen my girl 3 times in her five years for brief periods, she has no point of reference to him so hasn't believed me that he’s her grandad when she’s been introduced to him in the past. 
 
Each time she’s denied it as in her own confused words she “only has one grandad” and that’s Mrs Junipers dad.
 
There’s no point in me pushing this to her either, as he’ll hardly see her so no point in confusing her, until she’s much older and can understand it better. 
 
Anyway, it was her 5th birthday party on the weekend. We went to a huge effort for her it being her first proper party. Had all her school friends and our immediate family there. It was a fucking great day. 
 
As I’m not a total cunt I sent him an invite when we sent them out, saying he’s more than welcome to attend and see her.
 
At the end of the day It’s about her and not about any ill feelings we both may have for each other. 
 
Plus it would give him the chance to meet our 6 month old girl, who he’s not met or made any effort to see. 
 
He read the message on WhatsApp, didn’t respond….etc. 
 
Saturday came and went, party went really well. As expected, not a peep from him. No one had heard from him either. Nevermind, not missed…etc.
 
Yesterday he’s obviously seen me post about it on Faceaids and he’s suddenly messaged about an hour later, telling me some nonsense he was ill and without his phone. 
 
Got the text. Laughed my tits off at the timing / excuse and went on with my day whilst out with our eldest. 
 
He’s completely forgotten a serious flaw in his excuse that he’s sent her a birthday card 2nd class, which arrived today. Meaning he knew days ago he wasn’t going to bother showing up for her and just chose to send a card and £20 instead towards the end of last week. 
 
It stopped bothering me years ago, me and him will obviously never have any form of a relationship, as I got the hint from him years ago. Makes me even more determined to be a better dad for my own kids, so there’s a positive outcome to it. 
 
I just cannot understand how you can just have grandchildren and not give a toss, especially when you’re being given the chance to see them, which trust me isn’t deserved. 
 
Honestly can’t see how someone can have that mindset of not giving two fucks about their kids or grandkids.

 

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Sorry to hear that mate, I can relate, I've met my dad three times. Last time he just asked me what car I had (this was at his niece's and her son's double funeral). He was driving some 4x4 disability car as he's his new Mrs' "carer". He's not like. 

 

We're better off without these people they're missing a key ingredient which even most animals have, a primal instinct to parent. 

 

We win every day by being better men than they are, in spite of it all.

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3 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

Sorry to hear that mate, I can relate, I've met my dad three times. Last time he just asked me what car I had (this was at his niece's and her son's double funeral). He was driving some 4x4 disability car as he's his new Mrs' "carer". He's not like. 

 

We're better off without these people they're missing a key ingredient which even most animals have, a primal instinct to parent. 

 

We win every day by being better men than they are, in spite of it all.


Sorry to hear yours also mate. 
 

it’s one of those things isn’t it, you can’t force people to be in your life who don’t want to be regardless of who they are / if they are family by blood.
 

It doesn’t bother me much anymore. I’m sure your mindset is similar. 
 

I guess for both of us it’s best continuing to concentrate and focus on the people who matter. 

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25 minutes ago, Juniper said:


Sorry to hear yours also mate. 
 

it’s one of those things isn’t it, you can’t force people to be in your life who don’t want to be regardless of who they are / if they are family by blood.
 

It doesn’t bother me much anymore. I’m sure your mindset is similar. 
 

I guess for both of us it’s best continuing to concentrate and focus on the people who matter. 

 

Definitely.

 

I've never believed blood is thicker than water, I've got friends who're like family and family who are strangers. That's just the way it's panned out.

 

It sounds like you're a great dad though, and that's the best payback in a sense. 

 

My dad and me mum's second fella never taught me what kind of man to be, they taught me what kind of man NOT to be. And that's good enough.

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In other news. My sister has been "helping out' an old oddball near my mum's, for going on about 15 years. Visiting, shopping, attending appointments etc. I always found it strange as she'd never do anything for anyone. I recently found out that last year he signed his house over to her. My mum is fully aware and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. My sister was going to pack in doing it as he's been doing her head in, but changed her mind as "after all this time why should I walk away with nothing?"

 

 

She genuinely is the worst person I've ever met.

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8 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

In other news. My sister has been "helping out' an old oddball near my mum's, for going on about 15 years. Visiting, shopping, attending appointments etc. I always found it strange as she'd never do anything for anyone. I recently found out that last year he signed his house over to her. My mum is fully aware and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. My sister was going to pack in doing it as he's been doing her head in, but changed her mind as "after all this time why should I walk away with nothing?"

 

 

She genuinely is the worst person I've ever met.

That's absolutely dreadful 

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16 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

In other news. My sister has been "helping out' an old oddball near my mum's, for going on about 15 years. Visiting, shopping, attending appointments etc. I always found it strange as she'd never do anything for anyone. I recently found out that last year he signed his house over to her. My mum is fully aware and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. My sister was going to pack in doing it as he's been doing her head in, but changed her mind as "after all this time why should I walk away with nothing?"

 

 

She genuinely is the worst person I've ever met.

Be funny as fuck if he was just renting after all that 

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4 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

Be funny as fuck if he was just renting after all that 

 

His boiler packed in years ago and I told me mum he should sell the house to a housing association and they'd fix it up and rent it back to him or rent him a bungalow but nothing came of it. Now we know why.

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My parents were great, although I fucking hated me old fella in my teens.

 

It's really only now they've gone that I've realised how much I loved them, and how much they loved me and my sister.

 

I'm a shite dad compared to my old fella. And I'm genuinely sorry for those who didn't have parents who were as frankly fucking ace as mine were.

 

Bill and Rose, miss you buggers every single frigging day x

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48 minutes ago, Creator Supreme said:

My parents were great, although I fucking hated me old fella in my teens.

 

It's really only now they've gone that I've realised how much I loved them, and how much they loved me and my sister.

 

I'm a shite dad compared to my old fella. And I'm genuinely sorry for those who didn't have parents who were as frankly fucking ace as mine were.

 

Bill and Rose, miss you buggers every single frigging day x


I’m extremely lucky with my parents. 
 

Me mam can be fucking hard work at times, just constantly on about one thing or another but to be fair the nagging comes from a place of love. 
 

My ol fella is like my best mate, I spend all year looking forward to our week away together. Just me, him, my brother and his best mate that’s effectively an adopted brother. 

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15 hours ago, Juniper said:

It stopped bothering me years ago, me and him will obviously never have any form of a relationship, as I got the hint from him years ago. Makes me even more determined to be a better dad for my own kids, so there’s a positive outcome to it. 


I’ve posted loads of similar stuff about my parents over the years mate and taken away the same lessons in striving to be a good dad. That’s all you can do. Be everything that he wasn’t. If I were you I’d cut him out, no texts, no calls, nothing. There’s nothing good for your two little ‘uns that can come from that situation. I know I’ve shit talked Mrs Turdseye’s mum a lot on the GF in the past, deservedly so, but she’s an attentive grandma and she’s meek compared to the stuff my ma’s done over the years. I’m just really grateful that my kids have a (relatively normal) extended family on my missus’ side because most of mine are pretty dysfunctional!
 

My ma doesn’t text or anything on the kid’s birthdays. She’s the same with my niece. I doubt she even knows when their birthdays are. 
 

Last time I saw her was at my dad’s funeral last year. He wasn’t a bad dad but he could barely look after himself, never mind kids. His his idea of bringing me up was getting wasted on E’s and whizz every weekend. Anyway, my mother was under strict instructions not to come anywhere near me that day and thankfully she didn’t. She’d fucked off from the wake by about 5pm as well. Her getting pissed up and causing a scene was something I’d worried about. 
 

The last two loved ones of mine that have died, my dad and my Uncle Knobhead, she’s caused loads of grief, pissed up, throwing loads of blame around basically and sometimes literally accusing other family members of murder. She was barred from coming to my uncle’s funeral in 2023 for that exact reason. Her baby brother dropped dead suddenly and her reaction was to accuse my other uncle of killing him and making it impossible to go his funeral because about 10 people were ready to batter her. It’s fucking mental. She did the same thing on a smaller scale last year around my dad’s funeral too, hence her being warned not to even look at me. 
 

I’ve only posted this next bit once on the forum I think. On Bonfire Night 2008 my auntie (who was much more like a mum to me) hung herself without warning on the landing while I was playing PlayStation in one of the bedrooms. I just opened the door and found her there. Worst minute/day/weeks of my life. I don’t wanna say any more than that. It wasn’t nice, I still think about it most days. 
 

For a week or so after that I was a wrecked, drunken mess so my memories of that period are pretty much non-existent except for my mum turning up the morning after, rotten, out in the street screaming that it was my fault, I’d killed her and my uncle had been out shopping so he was at fault as well for not being there. She stuck to her guns on it being my fault for some time as well. She’s a fucking cunt. 
 

I’d eventually forgiven her for that, we were all in a bad place. I moved house with my uncle after my auntie died, helped bring up my cousins out of a sense of duty really, and even let my ma come live with us some years later when she had nowhere else to turn. Like Section posted, there’s a lot to be said about being the bigger man. 
 

But once she started up with that same “murderer” rhetoric after my Uncle Knobhead had died suddenly, that was me done with her for good. That’s three of the people I loved the most and her first reaction to them dying is to call me and other family members murderers. I don’t need any more of that. We’re done. Over. Finito. Ta-ra. 
 

I’ll gladly never see her again and I’ve explicitly explained to my kids as they’ve got older that she’s a terrible human being.

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My dad was massively flawed. He was a functional alcoholic. But you'd rarely see him drunk. He never drank at home.

I wouldn't have changed him for the world though. He was a lovely person and a gentleman.

He never swore. Even with his mates in the pub. When my mum split up with him because he was always out at the pub he helped her move out. 

 

My mum is brilliant. Nicest person in world. Unintentionally hilarious. Like for example last week she sent my missus a happy birthday text with a picture of a fruit machine on at the end. I asked her why and she thought it was a birthday cake. For the last 12 months she's been sending people happy birthday texts with a fruit machine on. 

When my dad ended up in a care home she would take him out most days for a coffee and stuff despite them being separated.

 

Just reading some of these stories makes me realise how lucky I've been.

 

 

 

 

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I've got no concept of fathers or 'fatherhood' at all. The closest things was my granddad who was great. But the term dad was always meaningless to me when I heard others use it in school etc, I couldn't imagine having one or what impact it would have on your life. 

 

In hindsight, I think it made me hardfaced to some degree as I got older, I sort of became my own dad - was very self protective,  good at spotting problems/avoiding problems. I'd never known the peace as a kid of going to bed and knowing someone in the house had shit under control. It either wasn't under control, or I had to bring it under control.

 

I'm not resentful at all but more interested in the kind of stuff it does to a brother as they're growing up, it's interesting. 

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I’ve lost both my parents and my brother.
 

Reading this thread though makes me realise how fortunate I’ve been and makes me want to work harder at being grateful for what I have, rather than what I don’t. 
 

I honestly don’t know how I’d have coped with some of the situations I’ve read about over the last couple of days. I know nobody is chasing sympathy but you all deserve at least a break or two. 
 

My parents and brother were flawed, they were human beings. They were basically good people, better than me I’d say.

 

All we can do as parents is try to do better. I spent many years failing miserably in that. Partly because mine set a high bar, mainly because I just didn’t get it. I do now and hope to continue to put good days in front of another for a long time. Not for me, but because the wife and my children deserve it.

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I grew up without Grandads as they both died over a decade before I was born. I had two ace Nans who I loved to bits, although I was much closer to my Dad's Mum as my Dad took over male duties as he had 5 siblings younger than him and the two eldest had left home. When kids in school spoke about visiting their Grandads and having fun with them it always felt a bit strange for me,like a sense of loss but not really understanding why exactly. Fast forward to just a couple of months before my Grandaughter was born almost 5 years ago and my Son in Law lost his Dad,the other Grandad to my Grandaughte(when born) out of the blue to a massive heart attack at the age of 64. I then became the only Grandad and have since gained a Grandson who is the brother of my Grandaughter as my boys don't have kids yet. I am very close to my grandkids and hope to stay that way but having had no Grandads of my own I fear for my own loss and possible effect on them if I was to pass before they are old enough to understand. It has left me often contemplating the bad side of being a Grandad rather than the many great things about it. A sort of 'Last Man Standing' feeling if you like. I have a great family but there is always a silly feeling that it is so good I cannot last. A very strange mind trick.

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