Family Strife

[Section_31]

Need to get this off my chest after this weekend and wondered if anyone can relate. 

 

I've never had much of a family, I don't really bother with the extended family as they're all turds (the kind of people who were arguing over who gets to take the flowers and sausage rolls home from my nan's funeral, despite not paying for any of it themselves). I lost my granddad when I was 17 and nan when I was 24, they were amazing and like a second set of parents, but after that I wasn't left with much in terms of the blood's thicker than water stakes - I had about five family members at my wedding, two I hadn't seen since I was a kid. 

 

I'd kind of come to terms with it, as far as I was concerned, my family was my immediate family that I lived with.  

 

My mum's fella is a set of empty clothes, I've never got on with him and have long suspected he's a genuine sociopath, he stays in his room now mostly listening to Bible tapes and walks around in his boxies. 

 

My sister supposedly has autism, but I've never been that convinced. She dropped out of school when she was about 11 and has what I'd say is a very young mental age (probably about 13-14, she is 21. Because of her supposed problems my mum has developed an almost obsession with these problems. She excuses everything she does, absolutely everything, and puts it down to her 'problems'. 

 

Since I moved out though with my wife, I've come to realise that my family home was an absolute madhouse and almost certainly made me ill when I had a bout of severe anxiety. When I go back everything seems so negative. Nobody works, nobody does anthing, I prompt (and have got my mum involved in things like a writing group) but beyond that they never do anything for themselves. 

 

I love my mum to bits, aside from my wife she's all I've got and she is and was the most caring person you'd ever meet. But my sister is highly manipulative and selfish, she thrives on chaos. Anywhere they've ever been as a family, be it a group, a church, anywhere, has always ended with them leaving under a cloud after my sister got into a row with someone - but, according to my mum, it would always be their fault. 

 

A couple of years back my mum had a breakdown. She used to lie in bed crying and he would go to church and leave her there. My sister though, tried to do everything she could to make the situation worse. One night she feigned illness saying she needed to go to hospital, I calmed her down and she ended up sat in bed eating cheese on toast. When that didn't work, she got her nose pierced the next day. When that didn't work, she started a row with her dad over some sweets of hers he'd eaten - and at this point I flipped (think I called her a c'unt') 

 

I managed to bring my mum back from the brink, made enquiries for her with the DWP (the reason she'd had the breakdown was because they'd though they'd overpaid her 16k and wanted her to pay it back, turns out it was their mistake and they apologised. I also took her the doctors and got her some treatment. But it was heartbreaking seeing her in tears and at one point she said she'd wished she'd gone to sleep and not woken up - imagine how that feels to hear?

 

A few months later though, I myself had an anxiety breakdown - and I'm fairly certain it was largely because of all this. 

 

My sister thrives on chaos. She likes texting me when something bad has happened, and will usually time it for when I'm out having a meal or something. 

 

Since I've moved out I've tried to have them involved. Invited them over for boxing day etc, where my mym was great but he sat there all night with his coat on and my sister sat there texting. We had a barbecue the other week they both sat indoors. They came around again last week and my sister had a gob on and said something which was quite off. 

 

I raised this with my mum at the weekend. We'd taken flowers to my granddad's grave and I took her for a brew. But she did what she always does, said my sister 'can't help it' etc and walked off, saying she was going to get the bus home. I calmed her down, took her home and she started crying en route, saying she was sorry but that she's 'so used to having to defend her'. 

 

I feel like my mum is a lost cause now, her belief that my sister has been wronged by society is seemingly deeply psychologically entrenched, I realised this weekend there's no going back and my sister will continue to exploit that for all it's worth. I can just see her getting dragged further and further into their world and there's nothing I can do except watch.

 

I also think it's a matter of time before my sister tries to drive a wedge between me and my wife and them, in fact she's probably working on it Operation Barbarossa style in her room as we speak. 

 

Every time they make me angry though I feel instantly guilty and think 'but they're my family'.

 

I don't think my Mrs likes them either because she thinks they'll be the end of me. She's probably right.

 

Either way, this was the weekend where I started to feel like I've got no family left at all. 

[Rico1304]

No advice to give, good luck though. You sound like a decent bloke, concentrate on your wife.

[Mook]

Families are a pain in the arse, I tend to keep most of mine at arms length & unless they need me or vice versa.

 

I'd imagine they're 10 times worse for people who are on Facebook as well, fuck that.

[PestiRed]

I tired of the lunacy of much of my family a few years ago - some similar stuff involving money, negativity and churches so I just walked away from it. Keep in touch with the old man, his second wife and my sister from that marriage as they are sound but don't communicate with the rest and do not regret that decision. Having a good distance from them helps - don't know how families that close to each other do it

[Jairzinho]

Mine's fairly similar, certainly regarding the "fuck the extended part".

 

Don't give up on yer ma.

 

Perhaps try and get someone to knob your sister.

[Section_31]

Mine's fairly similar, certainly regarding the "fuck the extended part".

 

Don't give up on yer ma.

 

Perhaps try and get someone to knob your sister.

 

Haha!

 

Nah deffo not giving up on the old girl. It was more the realisation that I'm powerless to change anything. 

[Lee909]

I only talk to my old man now and then. No issues anymore,i let that go along time ago as its not good for you. Same with my two brothers. Never that close,to much of a age gap and one only speaks when he wamts something. Other than my Mum,Sister and Grandad i dont talk to any off them

[Charles Penrose]

A man with a home life as difficult as mine? My younger brother has learning difficulties and can never work or take care of himself, my dad has mental health issues and was terrorising his neighbours for two years anonymously before being sectioned, my older brother got done for drug dealing and went down for four years in 2013 and my old dear died in a car crash as the only other functioning member of the family. It's been terrific whilst balancing being a Copper and having to explain all this shit so very regularly!

 

Oh and as a late edit, a two year old kid and another on the way with his mum suffering severe post natal depression.

[Duff Man]

Negative family situations can be so fucking draining. And, given that there's usually an entire life's worth of history involved, almost impossible to resolve. I'd advise you just try and focus on maintaining a good relationship with your mum and ignore your sister's antics as best you can (easier said than done, I know).

[lifetime fan]

I'm going to end up smacking her brother sooner or later.

 

He's been a prick lately causing her grief about the wedding.

 

Tegan ended up sending him an invite to the wedding after saying she didn't want him there.

 

He text her to say he'd come but then started kicking off last night because 'I made her ignore him'.

 

The fact she had blocked him and never got his text he seems to not understand.

 

He's then started saying he came round the flat to see her to make things right and I told him he wasn't allowed to see her.

 

I've not seen the cunt for months or I would have smacked the twat.

 

She keeps on going on to me that she wants my support so I keep telling her I'll support any decision she makes and to invite him so she doesn't ever regret it.

 

But that's not enough, last night she keeps badgering me for 'my opinion'...keep telling her to not have any regrets and be the bigger person.

 

Apparently I'm just placating her and she wants my honest opinion.

 

"I can't stand the little chav prick and don't want to see the cunt on my wedding day let alone pay for the twat to be there".

 

Now I'm the bad guy.

[ZonkoVille77]

Charles Penrose, on 20 Jun 2016 - 3:51 PM, said:

 

A man with a home life as difficult as mine? My younger brother has learning difficulties and can never work or take care of himself, my dad has mental health issues and was terrorising his neighbours for two years anonymously before being sectioned, my older brother got done for drug dealing and went down for four years in 2013 and my old dear died in a car crash as the only other functioning member of the family. It's been terrific whilst balancing being a Copper and having to explain all this shit so very regularly!

 

Oh and as a late edit, a two year old kid and another on the way with his mum suffering severe post natal depression.

Best of luck for the future mate, sounds like you've had a bit of a bad run with it.

 

I can't complain now but it was shit years ago. My Ma got rid of my Da years ago and thank fuck she did cos he was a waster so I had to grow up fast and help out as much as I could. Missed out on loads as a kid. My 2 mental sisters have finally grown up and no longer cause shit for the family although they still lie their heads off. They are at least aware of what they did previously so they can live with themselves...

 

My wife's family makes mine look sane - her Ma is a looper who believes in conspiracies and that people are out to get her - totally paranoid 24/7. Her sisters are constantly miserable cos they're materialistic cunts who adore nothing but themselves, and her brother is a lone soldier (who I genuinely feel sorry for) that has tried to top himself 2 times.

[G Richards]

Sorry to hear all that Section. Sounds like a pretty difficult situation. The fact that you've come through it all in a much healthier place - married with a good job etc. speaks volumes. Before I ever agree to do a wedding I insist on pre-marital counseling with the couple. It's pretty thorough and one of the things we cover is family of origin, and this usually raises various issues and questions. There are a lot of messed up situations I come across, much as I'd like it to be different.

 

If I may be so bold as to suggest, your main priority now is having a great relationship with your wife. You have a chance to create something that you've not really had before, and if you have kids, you can give them the sort of stability and loving family environment that wasn't really there as it should have been for you. (Though credit to your grandparents, and it sounds like your mum has done her best too).

 

This doesn't mean you forget your mum, of course. Check in on her as you are able. And if the opportunity arises to shed some light on things for your mum, or to tell your sister to grow up, then take it, by all means. But chances are that won't change things much. But when you have a chance to have contact with your mum it will hopefully lift her.

 

But your main priority, as you know, is your wife. You now have a very real opportunity to change your family tree, and I think you will.

 

Best of luck.

[Rushies tash]

Sounds like my family mate, including the attention seeking sister and the mum making excuses (which has gotten even worse since my dad died). Apart from my little brother, I have fuck all to do with any of them anymore.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Best of luck Section.

 

The strain that families put on a marriage is immense. By all means stand by your Mum but not at the expense of your missus.

 

Duff Man is right; the unlimited amount of history that has not statue of limitations that family will use to score points, cause trouble, wreak havoc, etc...fucking hell.

 

It's like that movie This Is 40 where the deadbeat Dad plays the Jew card looking for money and gets called on it and then say

s, The Jew card never expires.

 

True with families.

 

Or we could follow Jairzinho lead and get some pics up of your sister and see who the lucky GFer will be.....Operation Overlord...will shall invade her loins...

[Rico1304]

My uncle fell out with his sister a coupe of years ago. The reason seemingly because she got a new pair of shoes in 1950 and he didn't. He's fucking mental.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I fucked most of the family off years ago, about 38 years ago to be honest, never had much to do with hardly any from my dads side as he was a cunt as were the majority of his immediate family and relations. I've only seen two of my brothers once in the same period of time, that was at my mothers funeral. I do get on with one brother but we can go months without chatting and I haven't seen him since my mothers funeral as I don't particularly want to waste my money on holidaying in the UK. Most of the family from my mothers side live in Australia/NZ/Dubai and Canada, although I get on with them I haven't seen them for years either. 

 

I like to concentrate on my own family and my friends, the MIL and my wife's family are easy enough to get on with and they know not to push me too hard on certain things as I'm the type of bloke just to tell them to fuck off, I'm lucky that they tend to keep their nose out of my business unless I ask for their help/opinions. The MIL was a bit of a cow to begin with but since her husband died and our kids came along she mellowed out and we get on well.

 

Never a truer Idiom than "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family."

 

Hope everything improves for you Sec, at the end of the day you need to concentrate on your own family life and your good friends, leave the acquaintances as that. 

[Babb'sBurstNad]

Hang in there mate, families are tough but if you can find a happy medium between apathy and caring you should be fine. The guilt's the worst though, I always wish I didn't care. I haven't spoken to my brother since my dad died, I've no idea why he won't talk to me but I vacillate between pity, guilt and annoyance over him being such a non-communicative dope. I still send cards on the important occasions and hope one day he'll bother to respond.

[Paul]

The one thing I can offer in reply to the OP is that ASD often do look exactly like cunty behaviour. Has your sister had a formal diagnosis? If so, these are not easily acquired and so she almost certainly is autistic.

 

For me, diagnoses are helpful for family members because they help to contextualise and depersonalise anti-social behaviour. In terms of coping, have you or your sister (or both) accessed any autism support services? In my experience they're brilliant and you don't even need a diagnosis to attend. I'd also do lots of reading about it too.

[lifetime fan]

The one thing I can offer in reply to the OP is that ASD often do look exactly like cunty behaviour. Has your sister had a formal diagnosis? If so, these are not easily acquired and so she almost certainly is autistic.

 

For me, diagnoses are helpful for family members because they help to contextualise and depersonalise anti-social behaviour. In terms of coping, have you or your sister (or both) accessed any autism support services? In my experience they're brilliant and you don't even need a diagnosis to attend. I'd also do lots of reading about it too.

Agree with your general point Paul but the bit in bold is simply wrong.

[Paul]

Agree with your general point Paul but the bit in bold is simply wrong.

It's not at the more mainstream end of the spectrum where much of the confusion around behaviour exists. We struggle to get diagnoses all the time even with high scores on the Connors. I've been working with autistic kids for 15 years, contributing to assessments all the time, and loads slip through undiagnosed.

 

Paediatricians and educational psychologists are reluctant to diagnose. The cynic in me suggests the cost implications of EHCPs (statements, as were) are a factor. Also primary schools are shit at identifying social and communication SEN and, like many families, see ASD traits as simply bad behaviour. Also, ADOS has an inherent flaw as it requires people with social and communication problems to talk to a stranger to get diagnosed.

 

It may well be different for people much further along the spectrum with Asperger's and beyond, but those between the ADHD/ADD/ODD area and Asperger's are hard to get diagnosed.

[Section_31]

Paul. She does have a diagnosis of it from one child psychologist, but not from others. I think she is 'officially' classed as autistic though.

 

The thing for me is. She changed a lot when she was a teenager. When she was younger she was a good kid but just couldn't cope in school, used to scream every morning not to go.

 

She was diagnosed and went to a couple of special schools. Including one in West Kirby.

 

To be fair she did get a shit deal educationally. They used to put her in 'units' with badly behaved excluded kids, or shove her in places where the kids would just play on the PlayStation rather than do any learning, I suspect to show on the council's books that she was 'in education'.

 

As she got older though my mum spoiled her more and more and gave her carte blanche to do whatever she wanted pretty much, it was then that she started to become a pain in the arse.

 

She became spoilt, manipulative, lazy. If she needed money my mum would give it to her (she had about three phone contracts running side by side at one point)

 

There was a phase where all she would eat was pizza, morning noon and night, I'd say to my mum it was bad for her and my mum would say 'they have eating disorders'. Maybe this is true, but I also know any teenager in the world would happily eat shite all day long if you let them.

 

Likewise I'd come home when she was a kid an she'd be up on the computer at 2am. I'd tell her to go to bed and the next day my mum would be like 'oh but they have trouble sleeping'.

 

I'd started to fulfill the role of surrogate parent at this point I suspect, due to the fact that brainstem on legs of a dad of hers was in bed all the time and my mum had read some leaflets and was willing to put everything negative she would ever do or say down to her 'problems'.

 

She has no order in her life whatsoever. Gets up when she wants, bed when she wants. She's had about four grand in compo money from a car accident when she was a passenger and blew it all in about three months on pizza and makeup.

 

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say she's 30-40% developmentally disabled and the rest is a product of being allowed to become a brat.

 

Some of it goes beyond all that though. It's the love of chaos I can't reconcile. If she saw a bunch of skinheads on the street she'd walk through them in full knowledge she'd get beaten up so we'd all have to go to hospital and fawn over her.

 

She also likes to engineer shit. She reminds me very much of a cousin I had. My aunty had five kids and the middle girl spent her life trying to play them all off. She'd run away for attention. I remember her coming to stay at my nan's once when she was about 12, and within about three minutes everyone in the house - everyone - was crying because of something she'd done or said, it was some proper Tubular Bells-style shit.

 

[Elite]

Learned behaviours mate. The only way to end that cycle is to stop giving her what she wants, which by the sounds of it your mum won't do. Has your mum not had any support/training on how to help your sister?

 

I imagine she gives into her for an easy life, which is fully understandable to be fair.

[Section_31]

Learned behaviours mate. The only way to end that cycle is to stop giving her what she wants, which by the sounds of it your mum won't do. Has your mum not had any support/training on how to help your sister?

 

I imagine she gives into her for an easy life, which is fully understandable to be fair.

Nah not really. There's not much around like that. They were part of an autism group but it ended in tears as usual, they accused her of causing shit but my mum was having none of it.

[Elite]

Nah not really. There's not much around like that. They were part of an autism group but it ended in tears as usual, they accused her of causing shit but my mum was having none of it.

I have worked in mental health and Acquired Brain injury but not Autism, is accessible support not very good?

[lifetime fan]

It's not at the more mainstream end of the spectrum where much of the confusion around behaviour exists. We struggle to get diagnoses all the time even with high scores on the Connors. I've been working with autistic kids for 15 years, contributing to assessments all the time, and loads slip through undiagnosed.

 

Paediatricians and educational psychologists are reluctant to diagnose. The cynic in me suggests the cost implications of EHCPs (statements, as were) are a factor. Also primary schools are shit at identifying social and communication SEN and, like many families, see ASD traits as simply bad behaviour. Also, ADOS has an inherent flaw as it requires people with social and communication problems to talk to a stranger to get diagnosed.

 

It may well be different for people much further along the spectrum with Asperger's and beyond, but those between the ADHD/ADD/ODD area and Asperger's are hard to get diagnosed.

 

 

Must be a regional thing as we're having kids here misdiagnosed with autism all the time.