Premier League Round Up (Aug 8-10 2015)

[tlw content]

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I can’t even begin to tell you how glad I am the footy is back. The summer is a weird time for me as I have a bit more time on my hands than usual and I tend to not know what to do with it. There’s no match reports to do, none of these round ups to write and the ESPN stuff is cut right down too.

 

This summer was even worse than usual because there was no World Cup and I didn’t do a book either. Hell, I didn’t even start work on the last ever issue of the fanzine until pre-season. Before that I was at a bit of a loose end.

 

I lost the best part of a week making Dubsmash videos. If you’re not familiar with that, it’s an app that allows you to video yourself miming to songs or famous movie lines. I got a bit carried away with that and eventually I realised I needed to knock it on the head when I went looking for a blonde wig in my daughter’s fancy dress outfit draw so I could do a dub of Khaleesi from Game of Thrones screaming “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS!”. I couldn’t find the wig and I was stomping round the house like a bear with a sore head because of it. Not my finest hour.

 

The lowest point though was probably when I spent a day and half at the beginning of June messing around in iMovie trying to remake ‘Up’ by Olly Murs and Demi Levato by superimposing Brendan Rodgers and Mike Gordon's faces over theirs. I was convinced it was going to the funniest thing ever as the words were really relevant to Brendan’s situation, but then it dawned on me that I was probably the only person who would find it funny, so I reluctantly scrapped it. Not my most productive couple of days that.

 

You might be thinking I’m only saying all that just to try and get a cheap laugh, but I can guarantee those of you who know me are sat there shaking your head muttering, “sounds about right”.

 

Anyway, the footy is back so I can leave all that nonsense behind me. We won too, which makes this all the more pleasurable to write, especially the way some of the other results went. 

 

It all kicked off with a real turdburger at Old Trafford. Probably the only game of the weekend worse than ours. Still, at least our game was settled with a worldy from a great player. United won without even having a shot of any note. Kyle Walker’s momentary brainfart settled this one, as he nipped in front of a dawdling Rooney and slotted it past his own keeper.

 

Van Gaal’s United are going to bore the arse off everyone this season. They beat Spurs despite barely even having a shot. Spurs were awful though, strolling through the game like it was pre-season and only waking up in the last couple of minutes when they almost equalised. Why wait so long to look arsed? Because they’re Spurs, that’s why. If we finish below them again this year then everyone involved needs launching off the new Main Stand roof. 

 

Tell you what though, what are BT Sport playing at with Howard Webb and his stupid truck? All game they kept plugging that the chrome domed South Yorkshire copper is here for the entire season. Really? You could have told me that when you phoned up last week and lured me into an 18 month extension to my contract with the promise of extra sports channels for free, you fucking shysters.

 

I get where they’re coming from I suppose. Having an ex referee immediately on hand to discuss any contentious decisions is useful, but what if there aren’t any contentious decisions, like in this game? They had him talking about borderline offsides that led to nothing anyway. Total waste of time, and not just because Webb is a lowlife who shouldn’t be anywhere near our screens.

 

Some ideas sound great in theory, but in practice they just don’t work out. Like over the summer when I figured I’d see what I looked like with a bit of a beard (like I said, too much time on my hands). I’ve never gone more than a few days without shaving in my life, so at 42 I thought I may as well give it a shot. In my head I imagined I’d look like Vigo Mortensen in Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, in the mirror I looked like Ricky Tomlinson in the Royal Family.

 

Other things that wound me up from the Premier League’s opener were United’s fans and their droning, nasal, bore everybody to tears monotone chanting, Harry Kane’s face, and the new official Premier League footy, which looks like it was squeezed out of Spiderman’s netsuke.

 

Most irritating of all though, was “Memphis”. I fucking hate him already, and not because he snubbed us for United. Your surname is Depay. That’s what should be on your shirt, you cunt.

 

Schweinsteiger came on after the break to partner Schneiderlin, meaning United midfield was comprised of a swine and a snide. The more things change, the more they stay the same…

 

On that note, Mourinho didn’t waste much time pissing people off did he? Chelsea didn’t win, he had a man sent off so that only means one thing, toys coming out of prams.

 

Chelsea took the lead when Oscar’s free kick eluded everyone and found the far corner. Spawny bastards. Ayew equalized, but then Willian’s cross deflected off Fernandez and freakishly looped up over the keeper. Spawny, spawny bastards.

 

The game turned on it’s head when Courtois conceded a pen and was sent off after bringing down Gomis. Definite pen, but shouldn’t have been a red as it wasn’t a clear goalscoring opportunity, and not just because Gomis is shite. There were covering defenders so Michael Oliver got that wrong. Still, never mind eh.

 

Mourinho refused to comment on the ref but he was more than happy to stick the boot in on poor old Eva, the Chelsea physio. Just what the fuck was that all about, the snide bastard. I’ve had my say on this on “Whopper of the Week” which you can listen to at the bottom of the page, so I’ll say no more here other than he’s just a colossal bellend.

 

Swansea were boss though, Ayew looks lively and Montero had a really good game. They’ll be top half again this year. Jonjo was class in this game, if he wasn’t such a reckless, braindead bastard he’d be a great player.

 

Good start for Palace, winning away at Norwich. I still can’t believe they landed Cabaye you know. Maybe it’s just me, but honestly, I reckon he’s brilliant. I don’t get why none of the top six wanted him as he’d get in every team except Chelsea I reckon.

 

He got on the scoresheet late on to make the game safe but Norwich can feel really hard done by after this. Zaha put Palace ahead after great play by my boy Jason Puncheon. I’ve missed him over the summer. Delaney added a second just after the break but Redmond pulled one back and Jerome thought he’d equalized with a brilliant improvised volley. The ref had other ideas and ruled it out for a high boot, but that was well harsh.

 

Cabaye then wrapped it up with a last minute strike and it’s probably gonna be a looooong season for Norwich.

 

Long time readers of these round ups may be interested to know that I still wouldn’t be able to pick Wes Hoolahan out of a line up. I doubt I ever will. He could take over from Lineker as host of MOTD and I still wouldn’t remember his face. The other only other player with such a forgettable face is Darron Gibson.  

 

Where in the blue hell is he anyway? Is he dead? I don’t think he’s played for about three years.

 

Wherever he is, he's better off out of it as the Blues are a mess, the fans were booing after about ten minutes of their opener against Watford. They should have lost, Watford will feel like this is two points dropped as they were much the better team. Two players I’ve never heard of scored their goals, while Barkley and Kone responded for Everton.

 

Everton fans are thick as shit though. They do nothing but moan about Barkley and heckle him. It pisses me off, they don’t deserve him as they’ve got no idea what a great talent they’ve got. I suppose I shouldn’t judge them too harshly, when you’ve been brought up on a diet of spam you can’t be expected to know steak when you see it. He’s no Barry Horne or Joe Parkinson, that’s for sure.

 

Villa have a new look side this year after losing their two biggest starts over the summer. They’ve still got Timmy Tactics though and he led them to an opening day win over new boys Bournemouth. Gestede got the winner after coming off the bench. No-one will want to face that big bastard this season, he’s a right handful. Didn’t Skrtel knock himself out by clashing heads with him last season or something?

 

Most people expect Villa to struggle but I'm not so sure. Sunderland on the other hand, bloody hell. They're going to be even worse than they were last year. Leicester absolutely battered them, Mahrez and Vardy in particular had a field day and exploited the lack of pace in the Mackems backline. Coates looks good defending the edge of his own box, but leave him exposed in space and he looks more uncomfortable than a nun at an orgy. 

 

Onto Sunday now. Hahahaha ArsenLOL. You know the really funny thing is I was going to tip them to win the title this year because on paper they really do look to have the deepest squad with quality players all over the place. The defence still doesn’t look great but the amount of star quality they have going forward had me thinking this would be the year they put it all together. That’s the thing with Arsenal though, you look at what they ought to be and tend to forget what they actually are, which is a bunch of massive shithouses.

 

Czech had a debut to forget as he should have done better on both goals. I’m happy enough they’ve signed him because I know how to spell his name and no longer have to google the spelling of the Polish fella they’ve just loaned out. Boss the way every time Arsenal don’t win their fans bombard talksport to lay all the blame at Giroud’s door. 

 

That’s taking nothing away from West Ham who were very good and deserved their win. How about that kid in midfield too? The one team you wouldn’t want to play defensive mid against is Arenal, but that 16 year old did it with no fuss. I didn’t see it live, I was listening on the radio and when they kept talking about this “Reece Oxford” in my head I had an image of such tiny little white kid, fresh out of school, trying to hold his own against fully grown men.

 

Later on I flick on Sky Sports News and he he is getting interviewed next to Winston Reid. Kinell, he looks like Patrick Vieira’s big brother. Gonna be some player him though, bet Chelsea have begun tapping him up already, the twats. 

 

Great line from the MOTD commentator in this one: “After some cartoon defending it was the wily Kouyate who nipped in to score”. Bravo sir, bravo.

 

Ronald Koeman was absent after snapping his achilles a few days earlier, but there was still a Dutch accent on the touchline as Southampton took on the Toon up in the North East. Yep, that’s right, Shteve McLaren is back in the Premier League.

 

It was a good game and ended up all square. The right back Southampton signed to replace Clyne looks good, which will surprise absolutely fucking nobody. He set up the first for Pelle although most of the credit has to go to the striker as it was a great header.

 

Cisse equalized and new signing Wijnaldum put them in front with a great header from a terrific cross by Obertan. Another new signing, Mitrovic, came on and was booked within about two seconds and then laid out Yoshida with an elbow. I’ve got my eye on this cat, he looks like trouble.

 

Long equalised with a header but Mane squandered two great chances to win it late on for the Saints. Southampton look like they’ll be decent again, while Newcastle can surely not be any worse than they were last year, although we live in hope.

 

Finally, Monday night and Man City wiped the floor with West Brom. Couple of points here. Firstly, City looked great, especially Yaya Toure. Secondly, West Brom played right into their hands by being so open it was ridiculous. It’s almost like Tony Pulis forgot that’s he’s Tony Pulis. There’s a reason you don’t play attacking football Tony, it’s because you fucking can’t. Bet he doesn’t make that mistake again in a hurry, get your money on a 0-0 for the Baggies next week.

 

 

 

 

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[Hades]

It's back! Google-image searched Wes Hoolahan and still struggling to recall his face. Looks wildly different from every angle. The man would make a perfect double agent. 

[Mark M]

The season is officially back.

[Trumo]

It's not often Howard Webb goes to Old Trafford and there aren't any contentious decisions.

[Boon Kiat Thio]

I'm guessing the spelling error for Check was deliberate, Dave.

[buster69]

Couple of things Dave. Firstly it's spelt Cech, Czech is the nationality ;) Secondly, if you want to have a good look at Wes Hoolahan, get to watch some Ireland games, he's our best player, although that's probably more an indication of our level than his. You won't see Darron Gibson though. If you thought Jose Enrique never plays a game....

[dave u]

I wish it was deliberate, but no. Autocorrect done me in there, the irony is it actually works as a gag though. Bit of a blow to the ego when autocorrect is funnier than I am.

[shouter]

I wish it was deliberate, but no. Autocorrect done me in there, the irony is it actually works as a gag though. Bit of a blow to the ego when autocorrect is funnier than I am.

Hey dave what are you using to record these podcasts? I'm a bit of an audiophile. Think you could do with a decent condenser mic, etc.

[ZonkoVille77]

Hey dave what are you using to record these podcasts? I'm a bit of an audiophile. Think you could do with a decent condenser mic, etc.

Get a Zoom dave. Top class for a little outlay.

 

Good report, especially about Depay. He's going to be the one player I hope flops to fuck. Memphis indeed. The cunt bubble.

[shouter]

Or buy a cheap audio interface and a budget condenser mic and use a program called reaper. Great sytem for podcasts and good for mixing effects and music into the speach sections.

[an tha]

I wish it was deliberate, but no. Autocorrect done me in there, the irony is it actually works as a gag though. Bit of a blow to the ego when autocorrect is funnier than I am.

Autocorrect taking it's place on the list of things funnier than Dave Usher - in between Auschwitz and Autoimmune hepatitis