Times when life just fucks you over.

[Sugar Ape]

Out on the ale and I am fucking dying for a shit. Run the toilet, out of the 3 cubicles, 2 of them are out of toilet paper and the third one has got some but the seat, and floor, are absolutely caked in piss. Have to mop all the piss up and as I sit down some wool - I'm out in Ormskirk - is banging on the door for me to hurry up. He's quietened down since I threatened to beat him to death as soon as I open the door.

 

Fucks sake.

[Rico1304]

We went on a stag do a few years ago and had a mammoth drinking session one afternoon. A lad went to the bog and came back 20 mins later with one of his sleeves missing, obviously ripped off!! We thought he'd been beaten up, but no, the bog had no roll so he'd used his sleeve.

[Nunavut Patrick]

I have shat in the woods many times. Birch bark is a little rough, but a decent flowing stream is a good natural bidet.

 

One thing I am terrified of is shitting in an aeroplan. I do not trust those toilets. I always make sure I have a few coffee's before trans Atlantic travel the morning of, otherwise being stuck on a plane above the Atlantic needing a crap is frightening.

[Liverpool lad]

A forumite off here gets toilet roll from his own house, folds it up and puts it is his back pocket of his jeans. So he has two emergency wipes in case he has to use a horrible pub toilet and he has had a heavy one the night before.

 

It is genius

[Jennings]

Out on the ale and I am fucking dying for a shit. Run the toilet, out of the 3 cubicles, 2 of them are out of toilet paper and the third one has got some but the seat, and floor, are absolutely caked in piss. Have to mop all the piss up and as I sit down some wool - I'm out in Ormskirk - is banging on the door for me to hurry up. He's quietened down since I threatened to beat him to death as soon as I open the door.

 

Fucks sake.

 

Surely, you lads wouldn't beat someone up over...a pooh!?

[Jennings]

A forumite off here gets toilet roll from his own house, folds it up and puts it is his back pocket of his jeans. So he has two emergency wipes in case he has to use a horrible pub toilet and he has had a heavy one the night before.

 

It is genius

 

A 'mate' of yours?

[Jennings]

I have shat in the woods many times. Birch bark is a little rough, but a decent flowing stream is a good natural bidet.

 

One thing I am terrified of is shitting in an aeroplan. I do not trust those toilets. I always make sure I have a few coffee's before trans Atlantic travel the morning of, otherwise being stuck on a plane above the Atlantic needing a crap is frightening.

 

I shat in the woods once....Eastham woods. I wiped my arse with my undies. Then threw them away. Genius.

 

...good job I didn't need another...had no undies to wipe my arse with!

[Mook]

I had to go for a shite in my local a few weeks back, about midnight, no fucking toilet roll. My mate who runs the place was nowhere to be seen so I had to ask the hot barmaid to get me some out of the ladies, "Who goes for a shite at this time of night?".

 

I'm glad I was steaming or I would've been mortified.

[Guest Super Sub]

I shat in the woods once....Eastham woods. I wiped my arse with my undies. Then threw them away. Genius.

 

...good job I didn't need another...had no undies to wipe my arse with!

Socks

 

[Byrnie]

I had to go for a shite in my local a few weeks back, about midnight, no fucking toilet roll. My mate who runs the place was nowhere to be seen so I had to ask the hot barmaid to get me some out of the ladies, "Who goes for a shite at this time of night?".

 

I'm glad I was steaming or I would've been mortified.

Had you no socks, Mook?

[Byrnie]

Socks

Beat me to it.

[Byrnie]

A forumite off here gets toilet roll from his own house, folds it up and puts it is his back pocket of his jeans. So he has two emergency wipes in case he has to use a horrible pub toilet and he has had a heavy one the night before.

 

It is genius

Pierre?

[Mook]

Socks for wanking, boxers for wiping my arse.

 

I'm not an animal.

[Anubis]

Out on the ale and I am fucking dying for a shit. Run the toilet, out of the 3 cubicles, 2 of them are out of toilet paper and the third one has got some but the seat, and floor, are absolutely caked in piss. Have to mop all the piss up and as I sit down some wool - I'm out in Ormskirk - is banging on the door for me to hurry up. He's quietened down since I threatened to beat him to death as soon as I open the door.

 

Fucks sake.

Piss on the door handle before you leave. When he goes to lock it.....

[liverpoolsno9]

I have shat in the woods many times. Birch bark is a little rough, but a decent flowing stream is a good natural bidet.

One thing I am terrified of is shitting in an aeroplan. I do not trust those toilets. I always make sure I have a few coffee's before trans Atlantic travel the morning of, otherwise being stuck on a plane above the Atlantic needing a crap is frightening.

Does coffee stop you shitting?

[chris71]

A forumite off here gets toilet roll from his own house, folds it up and puts it is his back pocket of his jeans. So he has two emergency wipes in case he has to use a horrible pub toilet and he has had a heavy one the night before.

 

It is genius

I thought that was standard practice? I've lost count the amount of times my "emergency ration" has got me out a brown sticky hole.

[Furmedge]

I've put this on another thread but I was working flexi time at a 24 hour plant so went in at 2am to do some hours and couldn't sleep because I was feeling a bit off. My office was based on the roof of the plant and halfway up the stairs I needed a shit. I tried my best to get to the door but I wasn't going to make it so I had to take a shit on the roof of jaguar landrover. Used my undies as a makeshift bog roll and worked my shift with nobody any wiser. Spent around an hour boiling kettles and pouring it on my turd to disperse the poo. The perfect crime.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Does coffee stop you shitting?

No, it encourages it. So some strong coffee in the morning before a long flight and usually am cleaned out.

[Paulie Dangerously]

A forumite off here gets toilet roll from his own house, folds it up and puts it is his back pocket of his jeans. So he has two emergency wipes in case he has to use a horrible pub toilet and he has had a heavy one the night before.

 

It is genius

Tis I. And it's a great system

[Nunavut Patrick]

Are your pubs like Cuba? one thing when I was in Cuba was to bring your own bog roll if you went to Havana or off the resort.

 

I know Mook, being Scottish and just getting houses and indoor plumbing may have issues with bog roll, but England?

 

Two ply or single ply Paulie?

[Nunavut Patrick]

I had to go for a shite in my local a few weeks back, about midnight, no fucking toilet roll. My mate who runs the place was nowhere to be seen so I had to ask the hot barmaid to get me some out of the ladies, "Who goes for a shite at this time of night?".

I'm glad I was steaming or I would've been mortified.

I never shit after 8pm. Very rare.

 

Fucking weirdo you are.

[stringvest]

Are your pubs like Cuba? one thing when I was in Cuba was to bring your own bog roll if you went to Havana or off the resort.

 

I know Mook, being Scottish and just getting houses and indoor plumbing may have issues with bog roll, but England?

 

Two ply or single ply Paulie?

 

70 denier

[manwiththestick]

Fucking weirdos the lot of you, the only time I take a shite not in my house is when I'm on holiday.

 

The only people who poo in pub bogs are the homeless and wools.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I have shat in the woods many times. Birch bark is a little rough, but a decent flowing stream is a good natural bidet.

 

One thing I am terrified of is shitting in an aeroplane. I do not trust those toilets. I always make sure I have a few coffee's before trans Atlantic travel the morning of, otherwise being stuck on a plane above the Atlantic needing a crap is frightening.

My brother was telling me about how he had some dodgy prawns in the departure lounge in Dubai.  He lasted until the plane was barely airborne, before he had to get up and leg to the bog.  At this point, even the cabin crew were still seated and buckled in.  One of them, just outside the Frank Zappa, said to him

"Sir, you have to sit down now!"

"Too right I do - in there!"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Fucking weirdos the lot of you, the only time I take a shite not in my house is when I'm on holiday.

 

The only people who poo in pub bogs are the homeless and wools.

Don't you even shit in work?

 

Or on a pub crawl?  Do you really spend the last few hours baking brownies, while the more evolved amongst us (who have had the foresight to avail ourselves of Maccies or Wetherspoons) are relaxed in the knowledge that there's plenty more room for Guinness and kebabs?