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Premier League Round Up (May 23 2015)

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Some life being a footballer eh? The spineless shower of losers who have inflicted misery upon misery on us for nine months are all off in Dubai having a whale of a time. Me? I'm sat here watching Match of the Day as Chelsea parade round with the league title and Stoke put six past us. You? You're sat there reading about me bitching about it.


This bunch of deadbeats presently masquerading as Liverpool (by that I mean everyone, not just the players) have achieved the impossible. Not only did they completely ruin Istanbul for me (rather than enjoy the reunion festivities I avoided it like Neville Southall does a bar of soap) but they've somehow managed to make me forget how much I hate Chelsea.


Earlier in the season I could barely even bring myself to watch the highlights of their games. Mourinho's interviews would send me into a tirade of expletives and get my blood pressure soaring. Now? I don't give a shiny shite. We're in such a mess that everything else kind of feels inconsequential. Even seeing Mongo lifting the title didn’t provoke a response. I reckon I completely flatlined when it happened, I felt NOTHING. That in itself in depressing as shit.


The plastic flags were out in full force as they came from behind to beat Sunderland. At least Drogba didn’t get a goal on his farewell. A small victory I know, but I’ll take whatever I can get at the moment. He was named captain for the day and Chelsea’s players actually carried him off the field when he was subbed. Not the first time he’s been carried off in his long career, and not the first time it’s happened when there was absolutely fuck all wrong with him either. He’s become a lot less loathsome over the years but he still looks like he washes his hair with catpiss.


Fletcher had given Sunderland a surprise lead but Diego Costa levelled from the spot. Who gave the penalty away? Why John O’Shea of course. Own goals, red cards, penalties, it’s what him and Brown do on a weekly basis. Loic Remy then scored twice to give them a comfortable win. Seven goals from just six league starts (and nine from ten in all competitions) for him as Chelsea’s third choice striker. So glad we were so prudent with those "medical issues" of his. The irony is, if he does actually have a heart problem then he’d have fit right in with our bunch of shitbags anyway. Good job once again transfer committee, way to go fellas. *slow hand clap*


As for the Mackems, Big Vito was back in goal for some reason. He went MIA after those wallopings they took by Southampton and Arsenal, and I just figured they'd find him lying in the weeds or something. It occurred to me that maybe he'd 'done a Henry Hill'? Funnily enough I watched an ESPN “30 for 30” documentary the other day about old Henry (for the sad losers among you wondering who he is, Hill is the Wiseguy who’s life “Goodfellas” was based around). It was about how the mafia fixed college basketball games to make a killing on spread betting by paying off some of the players. Henry ended up witness protection after ratting out his mob colleagues to save his own skin, before becoming a bit of a media whore and popping up in TV shows all over the place. 


Can’t help but think one day in a few years we’ll be seeing Big Vito on one of these "30 for 30" shows talking about how his crew rinsed the bookies when Sunderland lost 8-0 at Southampton. Who knows, maybe Emre Can will be there with him talking about the first half at Stoke.


Anyway, Dick Advocaat did what he was brought in to do and kept Sunderland up but he says he won’t be staying. Makes sense, look how its turned out for the last couple of managers who saved them, both sacked halfway through the next season. Surely Allardyce is a perfect match for them in their present state though? He’s exactly what they need and it would allow him to stick it to Newcastle too.


He’d need to make a better fist of it than he did this weekend though. His West Ham side had the chance to possibly relegate the Geordies but instead they continued their end of season stroll to the finish line and lost 2-0. Not that it mattered as Hull were unable to beat the Mancs and that sealed their own fate. Nobody will miss Hull, but I feel a little cheated at not getting to see some Geordies crying into their replica shirts.


Before the game MOTD showed a clip of some arl fella in a beige suit and pink shirt sporting a big fuck off pony tail getting a selfie with Mike Ashley. He had to be from the West Ham contingent surely, as what self respecting Geordie over the age of 40 would be seen dead leaving his front door looking like that. Well there's Gazza of course, but aside from him? 


Mike Williamson was back after his self enforced suspension and he was lucky not to concede an early penalty after bringing down Valencia. Fuming over that. The ref robbed us all of the opportunity to hear what John Carver would have made of it by not giving the foul, the massive killjoy.


Newcastle started well and the hapless Riviere had a great chance in the first minute but from five yards out his shot went out for a throw in. He then had an even better chance in the second half and whiffed at it completely. He’s so bad he’s probably made our summer shopping list. His blushes were spared when Sissoko rose highest in the six yard box and headed home to set them on their way to safety.


Newcastle then somehow failed to score when they had four players run clear with only Adrian to beat, only for Anita to telegraph his pass and allow the keeper to make the stop. It was great goalkeeping to be fair, and he’s been one of the best in the league this year. Bad knobhead though.


Jonas Gutierrez eventually made it safe with a goal on his last appearance for the club. As much as I wanted them to go down I can’t begrudge him that moment and you’d need a heart of stone to have not been touched by his celebrations. Or you’d need to follow Hull or Sunderland, obviously.


Meanwhile, after the game West Ham let the worst kept secret in football out of the bag and announced they won’t be renewing Fat Sam’s contract. They always saw him as a means to an end but will they find someone to do a better job than he did? Probably, as when they get given that shiny new stadium for fucking free some gazillionaire will snap them up and thanks to Platini jibbing the pretence of FFP we’ll have another Man City on our hands. Don’t you just love modern football.


Newcastle’s victory meant Hull were down regardless of what they did. As it turns out they played very well but were held to a 0-0 draw by the Mancs, who played as though they’d been on a week long bender with their manager. Steve Bruce has faced United 22 times as a manager and hasn’t even won one. How is that even possible? He deserves relegating just for that alone. Abel Hernandez doesn’t deserve to go down though, the sneaky gut punch that floored gormless Phil Jones was definitely the best thing I’ve seen all season. A truly outstanding effort. Can’t beat a bit of snide behaviour from a Uruguayan frontman, that's what I always say.


Fellaini on the other hand, well that lunge at McShane was just a bad shithouse move. He’ll get three games for that but it should be at least double. He’s just one nasty, dangerous bastard him.


To his credit Bruce took relegation on the chins and blamed himself. He also started referring to himself in the third person, which is a little worrying. “I just have to say, at the end of the day Steve you’ve not been good enough” he said. Disappointingly he didn’t say anything about “picking worselves up over the summer”. I feel a little cheated by that, it never fails to make me laugh when he goes full on Geordie.


Palace ended the season with a win as Chamakh’s second half strike saw off Swansea. They finished in the top ten, which is amazing when you think where they were when Pardew took over. Hell of a job by the old silver fox, but my boy Puncheon is great for manager's who want to pad out their CV. He single handedly got Pulis the West Brom job. Not even J-Punch could help Colin Wanker though.


Imagine the beautiful music him and Tim Sherwood would make if they ever teamed up! Timmy's taken his eye off the ball since they knew they were safe, and Villa warmed up for the cup final by losing at home to Burnley as Benteke and Ings went head to head. It remains to be seen whether they’re playing together in red next season, but Ings came out on top in this one. His 6th minute header was the difference between the sides but Benteke had a couple of good efforts too. Fair to say that Benteke is the better player but Ings may be the better fit for us. I certainly wouldn’t argue with anyone who said neither are good enough for where we want to be, but the counter argument is that both are probably better than what we have.


Moving swiftly on, Arsenal hadn’t scored for three home games on the bounce but made up for it with an almost “Stoke-like” performance in the first half against West Brom. Or was it West Brom delivering a “Liverpool-like” display? Either way it was 4-0 at half time and it could have been double that.


Walcott’s 4th minute screamer set them on their way and he ended up with a hat-trick. Anyone would think he was playing for a new contract or something. There’s been talk that they offered us £20m & Walcott for Sterling. If Walcott wasn’t so fragile I’d be all over that deal (for one thing he’s much, much better suited to “Rodgeball” than Benteke is), but really what’s the point as he’ll spend more time in the treatment room “bantering” with Sturridge than he will on the pitch. Make it £30m + Theo though and I could have my arm twisted.


Wilshere scored a stunner as well and both him and Walcott ran to celebrate with their physio who is leaving to join Bath Rugby Club. Can’t blame the fella, he must be absolutely fucking shattered as outside of being Frank Lampard’s chef or Mario’s barber, being the Arsenal physio has to be the most demanding job in football. Wilshere’s strike was voted “Goal of the Season” on MOTD. Charlie Adam must be fucking fuming. This is what happens when you open these things up to twitter and let the plebs get involved. Fuck this new fangled shit off and just let the pundits decide, even if that means allowing Jermaine Jenas, Phil Neville and that Jason Roberts jabroni a vote. Rather that than open it up to the social media goons. The three worst things on the internet are paedos, racists and Arsenal fans, although I’m not sure what order I’d put them in.


Anyway, just as they did against us the other week with the game won, Arsenal eased off second half and West Brom were spared any further embarrassment. They even pulled a goal back through McAuley. It was mentioned in commentary (by Motson, who was even more hysterical than usual) that Berahino has 20 goals this season. That’s impressive to be fair. We were chasing him for a while yet that interest seems to have gone completely cold. Can’t imagine why that would be….


Leicester celebrated their safety by trouncing QPR at…. actually what the hell is their stadium called again? I went to call it the Walkers Stadium then but it’s not anymore is it? *checks google* The King Power Stadium, that’s it. At least it’s not Filbert Street. I hated that place. There were turnstiles located in the middle of a row of council houses, it was a weird, depressing place. I got there early one year and had no fanzines to sell so ended up in some dodgy pub up the road.


The place was rammed, full of ugly, mean looking bastards, so a handsome chap like me obviously stood out a mile. It was three or four deep at the bar and my mate had to shout over everyone to let the barman know what he wanted. No sooner had the words come out of his mouth in a thick scouse accent, the whole place seemed to fall silent and all eyes were on us. It was like a scene from the old west, all that was missing were saloon style doors and a bird in a burlesque outfit draped over a fucking piano. The barman just ignored him and we got the hell out of dodge as quickly as possible. A couple of years later I was watching Danny Dyer's "Football Factories" and he was up in Leicester talking to all their “top geezers”. No prizes for guessing what pub he was in. Lucky escape there really. Pwoper Nawwty.


But back to the footy. Jamie Vardy opened the scoring after Alex McCarthy had fumbled a shot. Vardy has bizarrely been called into the England squad. Really have absolutely no idea what that’s based on but can’t say I care either. Albrighton thumped in a second and is probably now wondering where his England call up is. Ulloa added a third and Cambiasso, the big hero, hit a terrific fourth. What a signing he’s been for them. Class act.


My boy Charlie Austin headed in his 18th of the season to give the small contingent of QPR fans something to cheer, but Kramaric made it 5-1 late on. Austin will be staying in the Premier League even if QPR won’t be. The likes of Palace, Swansea or Newcastle should be all over him (Villa too if they lose Benteke), but for some reason I can see him ending up at Sunderland and then morphing into Danny Graham or Steven Fletcher and scoring two goals a season. You could probably replace Sunderland with Liverpool in that sentence and “Graham or Fletcher” with “Lambert or Balotelli”. God I’m fucking depressed.


Moving on, and City edged out Southampton at the Etihad to at least spare us the further ignominy of dropping another place down the table. Fat Frank marked his final Premier League appearance with a goal. The cross was described on the radio as a "buffet ball" so wonder Frank Lardarse was first to it. He'll be taking a bite out of the "Big Apple" next season course, although knowing that porker he'll probably eat the entire tree. What? Come on, I need to get all these fat gags in now while I can.


Aguero wrapped it up with his 32nd of the season. I feel like he doesn’t get talked about anywhere near enough considering how great he is.


Southampton may have finished below us and Spurs but they can consider themselves unfortunate, as their vastly superior goal difference shows. Koeman is manager of the year as far as I’m concerned. I mean come on, what’s more difficult, winning the league with that Chelsea squad or coming to a new league, taking over a Southampton side that had lost Lallana, Lambert, Lovren and Shaw and going on to have the kind of season they’ve had? For the record, I’d have Pardew second and *spits* Pearson third.


Koeman’s success was built on common sense and good basics. Firstly, they’re defensively solid and well drilled. Secondly, he has a set system that he plays virtually every single week. Thirdly, he bought players who fit into that system. There’s nothing overly complicated about it, and maybe if Brendan had that approach he wouldn’t have almost the entire fanbase wanting him binned just 12 months after he almost won the title. If we raided Southampton again this summer and came away with their manager rather than half their team, we’d probably be a whole lot better off.


Koeman’s predecessor had a decent enough first season at Spurs without pulling up any trees. They finished 5th which is about all they could have realistically expected, but the way they did it wasn’t exactly convincing. Again, look at the goal difference. Plus five? That’s SHITE. They ended the season with a win at the Pit though and they were good value for it. Harry Kane got the only goal of the game and he’s won Spurs 25 points for them this season with his goals. I kind of feel they haven’t made the most of that though. I mean, if we’d had a striker contribute that much we’d have at least finished above United I reckon. If Kane’s goals dry up where will that leave Spurs next year? Probably in 6th, getting whopped 6-1 at Stoke on the final day.


As fans we still see ourselves as being better than Spurs don’t we? Every year we EXPECT to finish above them and when we don’t it’s seen as disappointing and unacceptable. For five out of the last six seasons though they’ve finished above us, how long before they start to see themselves as being higher on the totem pole than us? Maybe they already do, if not they probably should. Five out six years below Spurs? That might be the most depressing statistic I’ve seen all week you know.


Still, on the plus side Everton finished in the bottom half for the first time in nine years. Hopefully it’s the start of them going back to being bottom feeders again. When we sell Sterling I think I’d probably slap in a £40m bid for Barkley if it were up to me. They won’t accept it and he’d probably be too wary to make the move anyway, but I’d do it just to amuse myself.


To finish off I want to go back to our game for a second (I know, I know, sorry!). I asked in a recent round up “is Nzonzi actually any good”. He answered in pretty emphatic style against us as I thought he was absolutely brilliant. Of course given the way our midfield played on Sunday we could have made Karl Kenry look like Patrick Vieira so that needs to be factored in. Honestly though, at the right price I’d probably take him as he’d walk into our current team. Won’t happen of course, bang average Premier League teams always seem to want crazy money for their players. *cough* £50m *cough* Raheem Sterling.


Seriously though, I’m not saying we’ll sign Nzonzi but it is absolutely nailed on that we’ll sign someone from a middling Premier League side for stupid money just because they’re on low wages. It happens ever year, you don’t know exactly when it will happen just that it undoubtedly will at some point between June and August. It’s like “flying ant day". You know, that one day every summer when the buggers all appear from nowhere in their millions? What’s the deal with that? You never see them before or after, but they're always out in force on "flying ant day".


That has always baffled me. Those ants are right clever bastards, it’s impressive enough how they mix up the dates so its never on the same day, but how the hell do they get word out to all the other ants? Do they have their own secret network they use to communicate? Maybe they call it…. “the anternet”


BOOM! Now THAT’S how you end a season!




Twats of the Season XI


GK: Adrian - Didn’t clap the Kop, tried to get Balotelli sent off and two footed Borini.


RB: Branislav Ivanovic - He dives, he screams when fouled, he allows himself to be bitten by Luis and he always scores against us. Massive, massive twat who looks like a caveman.


DF: Phil Jagielka - Scored a flukey equaliser in the derby that robbed Gerrard of a winning goal in his last Anfield derby. Seems a decent enough chap otherwise but he ruined Stevie last derby, so he’s a twat.


CB: Phil Jones - A hapless, gurning mess of a player with a real snide streak that is often misconstrued for clumsiness. Yes, he is unquestionably a clumsy twat, but he’s also a nasty bastard too. His antics in United’s win at Anfield were worthy of inclusion in this even if he hadn’t played another game all season. Massive Warrington faced twat.


LB: Raheem Sterling - Had to be included for obvious reasons. He can play left back just to piss him and his cunt agent off.


CM: Karl Henry - Talentless Tory dickbag.


CM: Marouanne Fellaini - Sharpened elbow wielding menace. Looks like a giant bogbrush.


RW: Jon Walters - Talentless Tory blueshite dickbag.


AMC: Cesc Fabregas - Dirty snide bastard who once said “if you see me in a Chelsea shirt you can shoot me”. Any chance someone might actually take him up on that?


LW: Dwight Gayle - Weird looking scrote who always scores against us and does nothing else for the rest of the season. Dived all over the place when they beat us at Selhurst too, the cheating little shitbag.


CF: Diego Costa - I almost didn’t include him even though he’s certainly the biggest out and out twat in the league. Clearly doesn’t care in the slightest what people think of him and I respect that as I’m the same. For example, I’ll say right here and now I’ve liked at least half a dozen of Olly Murr’s songs and I don’t care what any of you losers think about that. I’ve gone from hating Costa to almost admiring the absolute shamelessness of how he conducts himself. Toyed with the idea of leaving him out for Harry Kane just on the basis of Kane’s face, but I don’t like Costa’s face either so kept him in.


Manager: Jose Mourinho, obviously, but Pearson ran him closer than I could have possibly imagined back when the season started.


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Dave Usher - office fatty.


* shakes head at the Murs love-in *

As I said. I dont give a fuck what you think, I'm rollin' like Diego Costa.

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