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FREE TO ALL: Premier League Round Up (Apr 25-29 2015)

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While the battle at the top end of the table is almost as dull as watching Chelsea against anyone half decent, it’s certainly getting interesting at the bottom. Leicester’s unlikely march to safety continued with a 1-0 at Burnley on Saturday.
The game turned on it’s head in a mad 30 second spell in which Burnley missed a penalty and Leicester went up the other end and scored through Vardy. Matt Taylor took the pen even though Ings was on the pitch. Don’t like that to be honest, Ings should have been demanding that pen even if he is in a dry spell. In fact, he should have demanded it because he’s in a dry spell. Where are your balls son?

With Leicester winning it was vital that Hull got something from their game at Palace and they did just that. N’Doye got the opener but Sanogo thought he’d equalised only for it to be ruled out by Clattenberg for a questionable foul. As I said last wee, Arlarse that, you’d think he’d have just kept his flag down allowed the poor lad a rare moment of glory as he might never do that again. Until he plays us anyway.

N’Doye wrapped it up with his second on the break late on and Hull followed it up by beating us a few days later of course. Six points in a week is quite the return for them and leaves Sunderland right in the shit. Hull’s upcoming games are really tough though so these two wins are massive.

Bruce made an interesting point after their win at Palace, highlighting how many points they took when Jelavic was fit and saying “a team is only as good as what they have up top”. He’s right too isn’t he? Look at us when we’ve had Balotelli up front, we’ve been horrific virtually every time he’s started. Compare it last year when much of the side is the same as it is now, other than Sturridge which again goes a long way to proving what Bruce is saying.

Elsewhere, Brad Guzan had a nightmare as Villa outplayed Man City but still went down 3-2. He laid on a sitter for Aguero after just two minutes and did his best to hand them a second soon after when he missed a cross only for Fernandinho to head wide of an empty net. He then failed to keep out a routine free-kick from Kolorov as City went 2-0 up, but Cleverley pulled one back immediately and then Sanchez levelled it up with five minutes left.

City are proper shit these days but they’ve got goals in the side and that can cover up for a multitude of sins. Fernandinho bundled in Kolorov’s corner in stoppage time to all but secure a top four spot for them.

Villa were desperately unlucky as Benteke looked to have won them a pen just before City scored when he was brought down by Hart, who would also have been sent off had it been given. The linesman incorrectly flawed Benteke offside though and City got way with it.

Timmy boy wasn’t happy, saying he could see from his spot on the touchline that Benteke was onside. Had that been anyone else I’d have said they were talking bollocks as in fairness to the linesman it was a marginal decision and the defender was running out which made it even more difficult to call. No way could you tell from the halfway line, but Tim’s not your average mere mortal though so I guess if he says he saw it, then who are we to doubt him.

Newcastle lost again, that's seven on the spin now. Had it not been for all the points Pardew bagged early in the season they’d be going down. They may still go as they don’t look capable of winning another point right now. They've got Leicester away next so there's another loss coming.

Ayoze Perez gave them the lead after a howler by a defender and then the entire stadium protested against Mike Ashley after 34 minutes. Something about them having £34m in the bank that should be spent on players. Tenuous link that, surely the 8th minute would have better. One fat cockney, number 8? What? It’s better than that 34 crap they came up with.

Oliveira equalised just before half time and Sigurdsson put the Swans ahead just after. Cork made it 3-1 and thousands of Geordies made for the exits and missed De Jong’s late consolation. Swansea are breathing down our necks now. Imagine if we finished below them AND Southampton? Kinell.

Connor Wickham gave Sunderland a dream start at Stoke but they were forced to settle for a point when Adam leathered in an equaliser. With his RIGHT FOOT! He nearly hit the winner with his left late on but Pantillimon made a fantastic stop to deny him.

QPR should have had three points at home to West Ham but my boy Charlie Austin missed a pen and Adrian was brilliant for the Hammers. Never mind boys, you’ve got us this weekend so you can make those points up there.

Spurs and Southampton played out an entertaining 2-2 draw at St Mary’s. Initially I was thinking it was a good result for us, but then we went and took one point from six against West Brom and Hull and now I’m thinking I’d rather Spurs won because we’re seriously looking down the barrel of finishing below the team that we cherry picked of what we thought were their best players. I really like Koeman though, seems like a genuinely good guy and he’s done a hell of a job there.

As for Spurs, well Erik Lamela has to be the least Argentinian-like Argentinian on the planet. Argies are usually tough looking hombres, but that Lamela just looks like a big fanny, with his clean cut little baby face and stupid haircuts. Even his name doesn’t sound Argentinian. He looks and sounds like one of those French turds that usually end up at Newcastle. Plays like one too, he’s shite.

Onto Sunday now and Everton hammered the Mancs at Goodison. Well they would, wouldn’t they, after we’d fucked up against West Brom the day before. Would they have been so spritely if we’d put pressure on United for fourth? Would they bollocks. United will get in the top four not because they’re any good, but because we’ve been unspeakably shit.

The big game of the weekend saw Chelsea bore the crap out of everyone by playing for - and predictably getting - a goalless draw at Arsenal. They came in for a fair bit of criticism and got more than a little defensive about it. Well they would do, wouldn’t they? Defensive is what they do, week in week out. They don’t know anything else, the shithouses.

They’re entitled to play however they like of course, just as we’re entitled to slag them off for it. In fairness going to the Emirates and playing for a draw is perfectly acceptable given that avoiding defeat would all but guarantee them the title. Playing the same way at home the week before against the Mancs just reeked of rampant shithousery though. They’ve got the best squad in the country yet he’s got them playing like a Tony Pulis team.

Mourinho took exception to the Arsenal fans chanting “boring boring Chelsea” and said that his definition of boring is “not winning the league for ten years”. Arrogant cock. Far be it for me to stick up for Arsenal, but maybe if they were lucky enough to have a crooked Russian gazillionaire buy them they’d have won some titles too? Just a thought like. You stay humble though Jose.

They are now within one win of the title after coming from behind to beat Leicester on Wednesday and if they win their next game that means we’ll have to give them a guard of honour when we play them at Stamford Bridge. If they don't win their next game, they can clinch the title against us. Either way it's going to be miserable for us. Sounds about right, just the latest in a long list of fucked up things that have happened since they beat us last season. Someone is having one genuinely fucked up laugh at our expense aren’t they?
I'd defo be giving Stevie that afternoon off. It'd be bad enough having to applaud them onto the pitch after they stopped us winning it last year, but he'd also have 90 minutes of their knobhead fans taunting him. He deserves better than that, let him go shopping with his missus or something but keep him the hell away from that shithole.

Nigel Pearson though, what a vile specimen he is. That press conference was even more excruciating than the last one, he really gets off on picking on journalists doesn’t he?

I described him the other week as being like some kind of scary SAS badass. He’s not, that was giving him way too much credit. You know what he is? He’s a jobsworth P.E. Teacher who gets his kicks from bullying the kids and throwing his weight around. In fact, he’s just like that twat Mr Gerrard who taught me in Primary School. You may remember me mentioning him in a previous round up, but he was a bad shithouse who loved bullying us kids.
*If you missed it first time around, see the end of this article for a recap of the original Mr Gerrard story.

I’ll tell you another story about Mr fucking Gerrard though. He used to get us all to take pens against him so he could save them all and act like he was Lev Yashin or some shit. If you missed the pen you had to do a lap around the pitch with his scorn ringing in your ears. Pretty much everyone missed because not only was he ultra competitive, he was a grown ass man in a below sized goal and we were all 9 or 10 year old kids.

So I watched him saving pen after pen and gleefully yelling at all my classmates to go and run around the edge of the pitch, and then it was my turn. Now I’ve never liked running anyway unless there was a ball involved, and I was damned if I was going to do laps when I didn’t need to. “You’re not saving this you tennis ball headed fuck” I muttered as I picked the ball up and put it on the spot. I had a plan. As I ran up to the ball I had a sneaky look to his right. Just obvious enough for him to see, but discreet enough to make him think I didn’t want him to.

I reach the ball and the soft cunt is already moving off to his right to where he thinks the ball is going. He’d underestimated me, the fool. I buried my pen in the opposite corner to delighted cheers from all the other kids. “Have that you arrogant cock” I thought. You know what that bastard Mr Gerrard did? He made me do a lap of the pitch anyway, just because he fucking could. That’s Nigel Pearson that is.

* Little did we know the danger of what we were doing back then, we could have killed them, and that would have been tragic. Unless it was that twat Mr Gerrard who dropped me from the school team when I was 9 years old.

That haunts me to this day, I'll never, ever get over it. He was a bad knobhead was Mr Gerrard, a real sadistic fuck. You know when you watch a prison movie and there's always some sick, twisted, corrupt prison guard? They always remind me of Mr Gerrard. He had an action man crew cut, wore a leather jacket, smoked roleys and rode a motor bike. He fancied himself as a real bad ass and liked to throw board dusters around the classroom at any kids who weren't paying attention. As I say, a real piece of work.

Anyway, without blowing my own trumpet too much, I was always a clever bastard in school, at least until I got to the seniors when my lack of studying eventually caught up with me a little and I was overtaken by swats who had less natural intelligence than me but a much higher work ethic. Up until the age of about 12 or 13 though, I was a proper brainbox, I was in the school quiz team and I'd say I was definitely in the top three or four in the school when it came to brains. The problem was - and if I'm honest still is - that I'm a right lazy bastard who likes to take short cuts.

So when I was assigned reading homework, I didn't do it as I knew I could just stand up in class and read it without having to practice it first. That was how I rolled back then. Homework was for suckers or those with no brains. Unfortunately, there was more to the homework than just reading. If there were any words we weren't familiar with, we were supposed to look them up in the dictionary in case we were quizzed on them by Mr Gerrard. Of course I didn't do that, there'd be no words in there that a kid of my vast intellect wouldn't be aware of.

Unfortunately I was wrong and paid a heavy price. As well as being our form teacher, Mr Gerrard was also in charge of the school footy team. A team that I'd played my way onto with an impressive performance the week before in the trials. We were due to play our first game the following week, but not only was I dropped from the team due to not doing my homework, the sadistic fuck actually made me walk out into the hallway and cross my name off the teamsheet that had been posted on the noticeboard. I'll never forget the devastation I felt that day, as my trembling 9 year old hand put a line through my name as I fought back tears. It still hurts me now as I type this, 30 years on.

So if the Mr Gerrard who used to teach in St George's Primary School, Maghull, in the early 80's, is reading this, I want to tell you that I fucking hate you and will continue to do so as long as there's a breath left in my body, you vindictive twat.

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41, it was two years ago when I wrote that bit about that tool Mr Gerrard.


The BBC fella grilling Pearson was brilliant. Typical behaviour of a cornered bully it was. Didn't have a clue what to do, just kept saying "ok then" "that's your opinion" etc while looking incredibly uncomfortable. Great stuff.

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I was cringing watching that Pearson interview.  I bet also despite what he claims he's been told to apologise.  Humble pie and apologies don't come naturally to that type of character.


Also, this shit about the Chelsea guard of honour?  Since when did that become mandatory?  And if it's not, fuck it off.  In fact even if it is simply take to the field alongside Chelsea pleading ignorance.


If the boot was on the other foot no way would Maureen, Terry, etc, come here to take tha part of performing seals (or clowns!) to give us a guard of honour.

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There was an absolute sadistic fuck of a principal in my primary school. A product of the Christian Brothers who inflicted misery and suffering upon all who went before them, and he was determined to pass that on to all pupils in his school… with interest.


Anyway, the reason I responded was to pick up on the point you made about the so called 'cherry picking' of Southampton players - more like picking up off-falls of worm-ridden crab apples and smiling as we paid for the privilege.


And all the while, there was Nathan Clyne trying desperately to get our attention, but we couldn't see him, as our arses were in the air as we picked up the dregs from the floor rather than the ripening fruit from the tree. A bit like Milan Baros not keeping his head up after a good run to see his team-mates' movement before wasting a gilt-edged opportunity. Ah, the good old days!


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Yep, he's got that sadistic air.


We had a PE teacher who was similar, but he had added weirdness because he wore skin tight gymnastics trousers and a box, even when just walking about. I still recall with horror the time I accidentally called him "Dad" in front of everyone. *shudder*

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our PE teacher was an ex Wolves defender, mountain of a man, completely bald no eye brows, fuck all. He was fucking class, everyone loved him. Used to teach all the 'vinnie' style dirty tricks to fuck the other team off without getting caught. 

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I had a teacher like that, she hated my guts. Even to this day I don't know why, couldn't put it down to any incidences. Was cheeky in class but not disruptive or rude.


Once gave me a detention for calling myself Jon, rather than John as according to her my name was spelt. The lies!


One of the finest days was when she was covering PE and we played a game of rounders.


I knew something special was in the air when I lined up to the spot with the bat and she was pitching.


The throw came over, not only did I manage to connect with the ball beautifully, it flew and hit her right in her face. Right in the smacker.


It's Jon, you absolute sadistic mentalist!!

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