Awkward sexual experiences

[ZonkoVille77]

I made a right RiS up earlier...

[Remmie]

This thread will be nothing until Doctor Troy pitches up with a few anecdotes.

Exactly who I thought of when I started this thread

[Remmie]

Should rephrase the above

[Hand Shandy]

That depends.

 

Was it awkward?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I had sex once. It was well awkward. None of them seemed to mind much though.

[lifetime fan]

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/index.php?/topic/50088-one-night-stands/page-14 
 

[Remmie]

I was on a stag recently and spoke to this guy who was telling me why his missus was ace, she was up for trying anything sexually. He said one of his colleagues was well into pissing on each other and while it didn't do it for him he shouldn't knock it if he hasn't tried it. So one day after a couple drinks they decide they should try it with him lying in the bath.

 

Turned out they didn't like it.

 

This may have been 10 times funnier to me than how it reads as he was telling me all this with a straight face going on about why his bird was ace.

[Nunavut Patrick]

A friend of my missus was trying dating services, this was before the internets really took off, so you went to matchmaking services.

 

She went out with this guy who was supposedly her match even though he had two or three of the qualities she said were deal breakers, like height and he was a smoker.

 

Turns out he liked piss games as well as he plyed her with iced tea (four glasses) and then raced her back to his to piss on him.

 

The mucky friend obliged.

[FanchesterCity]

Years ago, I was at it the wife and she had her head up against an iron bedframe (the sort where there are vertical bars at the head and foot of the bed). Gradually she'd gotten closer and closer to them, and joked 'hope I end up with my head stuck between these bars'. I whispered back 'oh I'm sure you'd not mind having a fireman coming to sort you out'. She went totally fucking beserk suggesting it was a perverted thing to suggest. Needless to say, festivities ended there and then.

 

I just didn't understand why on earth she'd flip that badly.

 

It took 2 whole days before I got to the bottom of it...

 

My best mate was called Simon, and she misheard.

[lifetime fan]

Years ago I'd had my front teeth knocked out playing the unmentionable and when waiting for a more permanent treatment I had 2 teeth on a plate.

 

I'm banging a mates sister who I really liked and had put months of effort into getting her in the sack.

 

Then just as I come I let out a shout and my teeth fall out of my gob and land on her face.

 

Never did get a second jump.

[Unrighteous]

Drunkenly, I hooked up with this waitress one night a great number of years ago, and we were both pretty drunk by the time we swung back to hers in a taxi.  Anyway, I get into her place, and we have a totally unremarkable shag in her bed, and then I decided to pass out.  As I'm laying there I hear, 'Mummy, I have to pee!', and apparently she had a kid, and didn't tell me.

... and here's the awkward bit, she pushed me in the shoulder and said, "you take her to the bathroom", like I was her goddamn fella.

 

...

 

... so I'm standing near the toilet whilst her daughter pees, wondering what the fuck is going on, go and tuck the daughter back into bed, grab my stuff, and fuck off.  Weird.

[Harry Squatter]

Was seeing some married bird who lived on the Wirral, she picks me up at New Brighton train station and we drive down to the waterfront. We went for a walk on the prom and she decided to drag me into these weird public toilets that are dotted around the front. The place fucking stunk of piss but she just lifted her skirt up, pulled her knickers down and told me to fuck her. Halfway through someone who was walking their dog opened the door and saw us going at it but slammed the door quickly. Massive turn off and I came very quickly. She had a very disappointed look on her face but I said it was not exactly the best way to get aroused. She then drove back to her house in Hoylake and asked me to hide in the back of the car while she got her cash card off her husband. Weird. Felt like a total slag when I was getting the train home.

[Unrighteous]

I've another kinda funny one

When I was living in Liverpool, I was pretty active on that Couchsurfing website, as I was traveling all over Europe at the time.  Anyway, I got a message from this chubby German girl asking if she can crash on my sofa in Liverpool for a few nights.  I figured it was alright, so I said okay, and sent her directions to mine.  Two days later, she shows up, and seems like a nice, quiet girl.  This is not a story where that turned out to be untrue.

 

She was totally quiet, unassuming, kinda not hot, but had massive, massive cans.  Anyway, the first night, we popped out to a pub for a quick beer, to get better acquainted, and she was just so bland and vanilla, but nice.  I definitely wasn't going to try to shag her, but we get back to mine, and she gets into her pjs and goes to the sofa, and I get into my room and get into bed. 

An hour or so later, she comes into the bedroom and stands next to the bed and talks to me for a while, and it seems like she wants to shag and/or sleep in the bed with me, but I wasn't really arsed, and she eventually goes back to the sofa and gets to sleep.

This happens three nights in a row...  the second night, she comes and sits on the bed, and chats with me a bit.  Third night, she gets in the bed with me, and chats for a bit... so at this point, I figure, fuck it, I'll try to give her a shag.   She doesn't want to shag, she consents to me touching her tits, and then she reaches down and touches my cock and remarks that im sleeping naked with her in the room, etc.  

She left the next day.  Not really sure what the fuck that was about, really.

[Unrighteous]

Was seeing some married bird who lived on the Wirral, she picks me up at New Brighton train station and we drive down to the waterfront. We went for a walk on the prom and she decided to drag me into these weird public toilets that are dotted around the front. The place fucking stunk of piss but she just lifted her skirt up, pulled her knickers down and told me to fuck her. Halfway through someone who was walking their dog opened the door and saw us going at it but slammed the door quickly. Massive turn off and I came very quickly. She had a very disappointed look on her face but I said it was not exactly the best way to get aroused. She then drove back to her house in Hoylake and asked me to hide in the back of the car while she got her cash card off her husband. Weird. Felt like a total slag when I was getting the train home.

 

Which was it, again?

[Harry Squatter]

She'd been rubbing my cock non stop in the car and I blasted my load very quickly, the smelly surroundings did nothing to help.

[Unrighteous]

She'd been rubbing my cock non stop in the car and I blasted my load very quickly, the smelly surroundings did nothing to help.

 

I love it.  You're disgusted but hit your vinegar strokes in record time.

[Ginny]

Was banging some fit married Indian bird from work. She lived in Wolverhampton and was up one night for a work doo and I ended up shagging her. We arranged another meet up and she came and got a hotel so we could just fuck all night. I turned up at the hotel a bit late as I was on the ale with a couple of my mates. We got down to it on the bed and she told me she had a fetish for waxing fellas asses and her fella wouldn't let her do it so she wanted to do it on me. I thought it was a bit weird but thought no harm so let her wax my crack. The next minute she's got her tongue in my ass hole and starts trying to slip a finger in. I let her slip a little digit in then hear her feeling around in her handbag from were she pulls a strap on out. Had to tell her as will try most things but draw the line at that. She was a freaky bird man. She wanted to piss on me as well.

[Rico1304]

I'm happy to put the graft in for a shag, a few years ago I'd put months of work into the sister of a mates bird. She was fit and worth the effort. We were all staying at some place in Wales for NYE and I knew I'd get my chance. When we arrived in Wales the place was a bit weird ( it was completely mis-sold as the Loaded NYE party so we were expecting Jo Guest but instead got a load of coked up journos wanking over Hunter Thomson stories) and we were in big dorms. No worries, I'll just spirit her away early and get the shag over before everyone crashes. Only I'd made the mistake of telling my mate the plan, he saw us sneak off, followed us upstairs and gave us 5 mins to get in bed then stormed in and got in the next bed. He sang "close to you" none stop for 25 mins until she got bored and fucked off, she wasn't happy, I wasn't happy but my mate thought it was hilarious. He only ever phones me when it comes on the radio - 15 yrs later.

[Dr Nowt]

Not awkward for me this one, but still.  Stayed in one of the truly great hostels, in Florianópolis about 10 years ago.  A complete twat of an Aussie bird turned up who let's just say enjoyed the sound of her own voice.  Before she'd even sat down upon arrival she'd recounted several breathtaking tales of how she reached Flori, which apparently involved a plane and...prepare for total amazement...something called a 'coach'...totally unlike everyone else who'd made their own way there.  This was followed by "I'm guessing you're all wondering how I know so much about travel and have seen so much of the world; I'M ACTUALLY A TRAVEL AGENT."

 

Anyway, the hostel arranged a bus trip to some bar one night and after an absolute skinfull I took off back to the ranch.  Many hours later fucknuts turns up with some guy, brings him into the dorm and having turned all the lights on, laughing when he told her to keep it down as there were people in bed asleep, starts fucking him in the bunk next to mine, some proper wannabe Lassie shit coming out of her by the finish.  I waited until the intensifying noises indicated both were about to hit point gush, simply hopped down off my bunk, kicked hers and said "I'm just off for a shit...hope the noise of it doesn't disturb you".

 

The air pressure change was beautiful, the sound she made even better, and my last remark as I went to the bog was "Like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into the tube, isn't it mate."

 

Radio silence for the rest of the night. 

[old skool tom]

I remember shagging some fucking dog from by ours and me mums best mate seen me banging the arse of her in the entry. Too make things worse it was my mums mates poodle as well

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Drunkenly, I hooked up with this waitress one night a great number of years ago, and we were both pretty drunk by the time we swung back to hers in a taxi. Anyway, I get into her place, and we have a totally unremarkable shag in her bed, and then I decided to pass out. As I'm laying there I hear, 'Mummy, I have to pee!', and apparently she had a kid, and didn't tell me.

... and here's the awkward bit, she pushed me in the shoulder and said, "you take her to the bathroom", like I was her goddamn fella.

 

...

 

... so I'm standing near the toilet whilst her daughter pees, wondering what the fuck is going on, go and tuck the daughter back into bed, grab my stuff, and fuck off. Weird.

I'm sure the kid was perfectly comfortable with a ginger godzilla taking her the toilet at 3am, tho.

[Harry Squatter]

One of my mates worked in a pub in Crosby, there was some fit barmaid there who was a bit of a slag. My mate was the chef and she asked him to change the barrels for her, he went in the cellar and she went down after him, after struggling with the barrels he turned round and she had taken her t shirt off and pants them pulled her knickers off and said "come and fuck me now". The daft twat turned her down as she was quite friendly with his bird. He phoned in sick and stayed off for a week after it to avoid her. He thought she would be really offended and have a cob on but found out she'd been smashed by two other lads in the week he'd taken off, one of whom had been married less than a month.

[Harry Squatter]

I met some bird who I used to work with in a hotel and banged her everywhere. The hotel, although expensive was notorious for businessmen meeting prostitutes there. It was the only hotel available there as it was halfway for both of us and she had a boyfriend so we couldn't go to hers. Had a great night with this girl, before she was leaving she asked if I could lend her some petrol money as the night before she drove there but forgot to stop off at a service station. As she walked out of the room I handed her twenty quid and a load of people walked past tutting and shaking their heads. Either because they thought I was a Pervy businessman or that I luckily only paid £20 for a fit blonde bird with massive tits.

[Mathewbet1]

I once ejeculated copious amounts of seamen in to a womans vagine-hole , it was a most unprecedented experience, one never to be repeated no doubt.

[General Dryness]

I once ejeculated copious amounts of seamen in to a womans vagine-hole , it was a most unprecedented experience, one never to be repeated no doubt.

 

Stig? Is that you Stig?