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Premier League Round Up (Feb 21-22 2015)

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I may as well start calling this “The Weekly Chelsea” because I seem to focus on them more than anyone else. I’ve questioned myself a lot this week about why that is, and I’m certainly not closed to the idea that this unhealthy hatred I’ve got for them has caused me to become a little obsessed, but I really think it’s more than that. The reason they hog so much space in these round ups is because of the sheer amount of scumbaggery on show from them every single fucking week.

It’s relentless. Each week I tell myself “don’t say too much about Chelsea in this one” and then I find that I’ve written ten paragraphs about the fuckers because Mourinho or Costa or Mongo have done something shitty. Honestly, they’re worse than anyone else in the history of the game, perhaps even in the history of humanity; from top to bottom they’re just fucking horrible. There’s not a single redeeming feature about the entire club or anyone associated with it. From Abramovich to Suggs, from Mourinho to Doug Rougvie, I hate them all.

Of course I hated United with every fibre of my being when Ferguson was there. That evil old bastard didn’t just pull every trick in the book, he wrote his own book with new tricks, and then used to publish updated versions of that book every couple of years. United were truly loathesome and down the years they had some absolute rats playing for them. Yet they never came close to how bad Chelsea are, especially when Mourinho is in charge. They were infinitely less bothersome when the likes of AVB and Ancelotti were there. 

They've hogged all the headlines again over the last seven days and before their game with Burnley they issued an apology for the conduct of those rats on the Paris Metro a few days earlier. Why should they have to do that though? It’s hardly Chelsea's fault and clubs can’t be held responsible for the conduct of a handful of lowlifes away from the stadium, even more so when it’s in another country. Besides, they never apologised when thousands of their fans ruined a minute’s silence for the 96 at Wembley, so why say sorry over this? Still feeling guilty over the Terry situation maybe?

They made him condemn it in his “Captain’s Column” in the match programme. Ok, I’ll rephrase that, whoever writes that for him was told to condemn it on his behalf. Not just that, they made him wear a t-shirt too, which must have been awkward to say the least. I can only imagine the look on the Ferdinand’s faces when they saw that. Chelsea could have saved themselves a whole lot of hassle there and just given Terry a microphone and had him say “Do as Mongo say, not as Mongo do”. Not that anything Chelsea as a club say or do is going to stop racist pond life from being racist pondlife of course….. making him wear a t-shirt is certainly not going to change him.

That Burnley game was hilarious though wasn’t it? The only thing better than Chelsea not winning games is when Chelsea not winning a game has a lot to do with the referee. Martin Atkinson was widely accused (or credited, depending on your stance towards Chelsea) of being the biggest reason they didn’t win, but I don’t think his performance was as bad as most are suggesting.

There was only one decision they had a right to feel pissed off about and that was the handball they didn’t get when a Burnley defender turned his back on an Ivanovic shot and it hit his outstretched arm. That clearly should have been a pen, although they’re not always given as there is a grey area with these handball decisions. I've seen worse than that not given this season but other than that I don’t think Atkinson got much wrong.

Costa wanted a penalty after a push by Shackell but there’s no way that contact was enough to send him sprawling like that. Sometimes it will be given but you can’t say that was a stonewall pen as Costa’s theatrical fall made it look like a clear dive. There was a little shove but Costa’s body was blocking the ref’s view so I don’t know how he can be expected to give a penalty there. When it wasn’t given Mourinho did that stupid, sarcastic “piss myself laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all” thing. Poor put upon little Chelsea eh, with all these referees being against them.

I still can’t believe all the fuss about the Barnes / Matic incident. I’d heard all kinds about it, everyone seemed to be up in arms about this so called ‘career threatening’ challenge from Barnes and how it was a disgrace he wasn’t red carded. Mourinho even called it 'criminal' without a trace of irony. Err, hello! Essien, Eto'o, Ramires? The fucking balls on this prick!
It was three or four days before I saw it and when I did I was like “Is that it? Nothing in that, you bunch of hysterical fannies.” Look, I freely admit I hate Chelsea and my bias may be showing through here, but I didn’t think there was much wrong with it. It looks horrific on a freeze frame, but in real time there is no way Barnes is deliberately trying to do Matic, because Matic isn’t even in front of him when he follows through, he comes from the side. I seem to be on my own little island with that one though, I haven’t heard anyone else expressing similar views, even those that hate Chelsea as much as me are saying it was a red card. All that tells me is that there are an awful lot of people out there who are wrong (and besides, Alan Shearer disagrees with me, so I rest my case).

Not least Mourinho of course, who only just stopped short of demanding a prison sentence for Barnes and the electric chair for Atkinson. He even showed up on Goals on Sunday to bitch about it all, which was impressive considering he’d told the BBC straight after the game “I’m not paid to comment on incidents. Sometimes I do, but I shouldn’t as I’m not paid to do it.”

Did Sky see that as an invitation? “Hey Jose, we’ll pay you to comment.” He wasn’t scheduled to be on, they binned poor old James Beattie at the last minute to make way for him (Beattie said on the radio the first he heard of it was on Saturday night, AFTER the Burnley game). Now why would Mourinho suddenly decide he wants to go on Goals on Sunday? Maybe I’m doing him a dis-service and the truth is that he’d always wanted to work with Chris Kamara having grown up admiring his mercurial midfield play at Leeds and Sheffield United, or maybe he just loved Hello and Dancing on the Ceiling, but it’s more likely that he just wanted to peddle his bullshit propaganda about a refereeing campaign against Chelsea.

I’d love it if there really IS a refereeing conspiracy against them and that it gets worse every week. It’d be hilarious seeing him completely melt down over it. I just don’t buy it though, and Atkinson’s performance against Burnley was not even close to being as bad as Howard Webb’s in our game at the Bridge last year. Yet fuck all was said about that one was it. Oh wait, yeah something was said. Mourinho said how great his performance was and then hammered Suarez for being a diver. So forgive me for laughing my tits off at this one.
And what’s with Ivanovic these days. He was one of the few people connected to Chelsea who seemed decent enough, especially after the way he didn’t make anything of the Suarez bite. He’s a right scumbag these days though. What’s happened to him? I’ll tell you what happened to him, he’s finally been struck down with SBATS (Suddenly Becomes a Twat Syndrome). Remember when all Chelsea players seemed to quickly become afflicted with SBATS within a few months of signing? (Joe Cole had it the worst, he went from being one of the nicest lads in football to being a vile, diving, cheating shithouse within weeks). Usually SBATS kicks in fairly quickly when players show up at Stamford Bridge, but with Ivanovic it took a number of years. Maybe his immune system is stronger than most due his neanderthal DNA, but eventually, just like all the others, he succumbed to it as he’s as bad as any of them these days.

He’s now one of the worst playactors in the league but never seems to get called on it. One bad shithouse he is, always rolling about trying to get people in trouble. He sounded like a woman in labour after a collision with Barnes near the touchline (picked up by the pitched microphones) and then rolled around a couple of times before leaping to his feet and going to confront him. He’s horrible. I hate his caveman features, I hate his big fat arse and I hate his Popeye forearms.

Most people (not me) seem to think Atkinson screwed them over big time against Burnley, but you reap what you sew. I mean come on, refs aren’t stupid. Some might be spineless and weak, but they aren’t stupid. They all know what he’s up to, all this crap is about trying to put pressure on them so if there’re in doubt they’ll lean towards Chelsea for fear of repercussion or being slagged off on Goals on Sunday. You can be sure Kamara and co will be all over it now any time there’s a decision against Chelsea. "Maybe Jose has a point blah blah blah" If you’re a ref though, surely you’d be thinking, “fuck you, you massive helmet” and if there’s any element of doubt in your mind then you’d go the other way just to piss him off.

That’s what appears to have happened this time. Martin Atkinson ladies and gentlemen *rapturous applause*



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Although I agree that Chelsea cannot be held responsible for the behaviour on the Paris metro, there is something badly wrong about that club. Was anyone even slightly surprised about the Paris and St Pancras stories? Not anyone who has ever been anywhere near their vile supporters for sure. The club alpha is a player who has been fired and ostracised from his national team after his shocking racist language saw him prosecuted. Would it be acceptable for Steven Gerrard to have used language like that and still be captain of our club? Or Carrick/Rooney? Jagielka?


Then some knuckle-dragger from one of their fan groups comes on the radio and says, in so many words, 'the fella on the metro said he'd been subject to racism all his life so I don't know why he is getting all pissy about this'.


Costa is complaining that he gets treated differently to other players. True. That's because most other players aren't cheating snides.

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Everton on the other hand are completely irrelevant to us now, they’re so far behind us we might lap them before the end of the season


snotted my lunch out when I read that - superb sir

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