The Local News Thread

[stringvest]

http://metro.co.uk/2015/11/04/womans-animal-pyjamas-from-peacocks-arent-quite-right-5479672/#mv-a

[Captain Turdseye]

http://m.cambridge-news.co.uk/Woman-crushed-lorry-Midsummer-Common-suffered/story-28120600-detail/story.html

 

Saved me a good few quid and I now get to stay at home, watch the unmentionable and drink Guinness.

[Captain Turdseye]

There's an 11 year old boy gone missing from my street last night. The police were out searching and one copper was updating people from his personal Facebook account. He's meant to be out looking for this kid and he's taking photographs of his police car next to various street signs and saying "This is where I'm looking now" and stuff like that. Fucking get off your phone and look for the boy, you twat. I'm expecting a selfie of them both together when they do find him.

[Captain Turdseye]

The coppers just knocked at ours asking if we've got a shed or anything he could be hiding in. Luckily they didn't want to come in and Maddie gets to live another day.

[Reds4Life]

You mean where I live now? There's fuck all here. My bird was on the front page of the weekly rag three times early last year because she ooocomplained about dodgy parking at the school. A few months later she left a random comment on their Facebook page under an article about people not picking up their dog shit. The week after that they printed a giant picture of a dog turd on the front page with a tiny picture of Mrs Turdseye next to it.

 

Other notable front pages include heads being kicked off flowers at a school and a window getting smashed at another.

[Captain Turdseye]

 

You mean where I live now? There's fuck all here. My bird was on the front page of the weekly rag three times early last year because she ooocomplained about dodgy parking at the school. A few months later she left a random comment on their Facebook page under an article about people not picking up their dog shit. The week after that they printed a giant picture of a dog turd on the front page with a tiny picture of Mrs Turdseye next to it.

 

Other notable front pages include heads being kicked off flowers at a school and a window getting smashed at another.

Some people on Facebook are saying they've found him now. This will probably be worthy of an 8 page pullout!

[Dougie Do'ins]

Eight years! Ouch.

 

Fake penis trial: Gayle Newland jailed for eight years

Gayle Newland, who tricked her female friend into sex using a fake penis , was today jailed for eight years.

Newland, 25, concocted the online male persona of Kye Fortune to seduce her victim - before convincing her to wear a blindfold whenever they were together.

The victim claimed she never suspected her friend Gayle and “boyfriend” Kye were the same person, until she ripped off her blindfold during sex and discovered “the evil truth” in June 2013.

Newland, of Hooton Road in Willaston, Neston, was convicted of three counts of sexual assault by a jury at Chester Crown Court on September 15.

She was today sentenced at the same court.

Lawyers involved in the trial told the ECHO it was the strangest case they had dealt with “by some way” while Judge Roger Dutton described it as “extraordinary” in his legal directions to the jury.

Speaking in court, the victim said: “It may look ridiculous, I had no idea, I was desperate for love. I wasn’t closing my eyes to what was happening, I wouldn’t have gone along with it.”

Throughout the case, Newland always accepted she had a sexual relationship with the woman, but claimed her accuser knew “from the word go” that Kye Fortune was make-believe.

She claimed the persona was part of a “role play” and that her victim wanted her to act as a man because she was awkward about her sexuality.

The victim first came into contact with Newland, hiding behind the persona of Kye Fortune, on Facebook in 2011 and the pair became a couple.

The court heard former creative writing student Newland devised an intricate back story to the character of Kye, and admitted first using the fake profile when she was 13 as a way of talking to girls.

The victim said over the next year Kye would make excuses as to why they could not meet, claiming he had suffered from cancer and was involved in a car crash, and that the treatment had left him embarrassed about his body.

As their relationship progressed, Kye suggested the victim meet “his friend” Gayle Newland.

The court heard the victim would hold long conversations with Kye before calling another number to talk to Newland, unaware she was speaking to the same person using different mobile phones.

Kye eventually agreed to meet the victim, under strict “rules” that she must wear a blindfold and a mask at all times.

The court heard the pair would lie on Newland’s bed watching television, even though the victim was wearing a mask and could not see the screen.

The final time they had sex, on June 30, 2013, the victim claimed she removed her blindfold to find Newland sat on her bed.

She told police officers in interview: “Something just didn’t feel right, so I sat up on the bed. Something in my mind said pull it (the blindfold) off, pull it off.

“I pulled it off and Gayle was standing their with a strap-on prosthetic penis. I just couldn’t believe it.”

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/fake-penis-trial-gayle-newland-10433079

[stringvest]

ye strap-on

[Dr Nowt]

The court heard the pair would lie on Newland’s bed watching television, even though the victim was wearing a mask and could not see the screen.

 

Winner.

[Anubis]

I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way that complainant didn't know Newland was a girl. Not a fucking chance. That's Chester juries for you. They saw lesbians and decided they could at least get one of them.

 

Burn the witch.

[setreal]

In all seriousness, eight years is an utter disgrace. 

[Dougie Do'ins]

In all seriousness, eight years is an utter disgrace. 

It does seem overly excessive. Wouldn't be surprised to see it reduced on appeal. People have gotten much less for killing other people.

[Champ]

I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way that complainant didn't know Newland was a girl. Not a fucking chance. That's Chester juries for you. They saw lesbians and decided they could at least get one of them.

 

Burn the witch.

Seriously, though, how did she end up with a sentence like that?

[Dougie Do'ins]

Seriously, though, how did she end up with a sentence like that?

The judge gave her one year for each inch of the false member.

 

Give em an inch eh.

[Champ]

The judge gave her one year for each inch of the false member.

 

Give em an inch eh.

*winces*

[Champ]

And while were on the subject, hands up all those who didnt think of lifey, hearing about the murder of Becky Watts yesterday?

[Dougie Do'ins]

And while were on the subject, hands up all those who didnt think of lifey, hearing about the murder of Becky Watts yesterday?

I didn't. Why should I have ?

[Champ]

I didn't. Why should I have ?

Tales of sexual depravity retold in a Bristolian accent?

Just me, then?

[manwiththestick]

The accuser literally received some mixed Fortune.

[Liverpool lad]

I normally wait with new partners until the blindfold comes out

[Trumo]

Tales of sexual depravity retold in a Bristolian accent?

Just me, then?

 

Whatever floats yer boat.

[Dougie Do'ins]

Bit more on this madness.

 

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/gayle-newland-fake-penis-trial-10434441

[cloggypop]

Some lunatic put a frozen pie in a microwave in Barrow.

 

http://www.nwemail.co.uk/News/Barrow/Fire-crews-called-to-Barrow-incident-involving-a-frozen-pie-56c53cd5-65d8-4e7c-ba48-b116338bd041-ds#.VkNqdxf06Xk.facebook

[VladimirIlyich]

I'm so ugly the women volunteer to be blindfolded!

[General Dryness]

*says "is it in yet?"*

Fixed that for you.