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Meeting new people - some serious shit please...


Bob
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You bloody men! Dont you think people might want to give you a hand through the tough times?

Maybe, but don't you think I'd feel worse accepting it.

 

Brave face, pretend everything's ok, spend 4 nights a week on your own in a flat your mate has just moved out of crying yourself to sleep at 7pm because you've just had a call from your daughter telling you the latest list of things you've missed seeing her do.

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Maybe, but don't you think I'd feel worse accepting it.

 

Brave face, pretend everything's ok, spend 4 nights a week on your own in a flat your mate has just moved out of crying yourself to sleep at 7pm because you've just had a call from your daughter telling you the latest list of things you've missed seeing her do.

 

Worse than what you've just described there?

 

Bob, that is not good for you and not good for her

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Obviously what I've just described is worse, but importantly it's easier.

 

I reckon the best way to get over this is to go through as much emotional pain as I feel I can endure first. I'm almost certainly wrong and I'm sure a counsellor would tell me I'm stupid for doing it.

 

There are one or two people I am talking to, but I'm not a sharing type of person. I've always been a closed book and I can't see that I can change that part of my personality now.

 

It's why this place, where I'm just a slightly silly name, is the easiest place to say all this.

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Obviously what I've just described is worse, but importantly it's easier.

 

I reckon the best way to get over this is to go through as much emotional pain as I feel I can endure first. I'm almost certainly wrong and I'm sure a counsellor would tell me I'm stupid for doing it.

 

There are one or two people I am talking to, but I'm not a sharing type of person. I've always been a closed book and I can't see that I can change that part of my personality now.

 

It's why this place, where I'm just a slightly silly name, is the easiest place to say all this.

 

Don't think you've much choice with  that one to be honest , you just have to keep telling yourself you'll get over it and be as strong as you can.

 

Good to see you mention your daughter a lot and not the viper  wife , and are you happy with the amount of time she lets you spend with the little one ? I've been on the brink many many times with my wife , and the only thing that has kept me at home is my daughter  - not ideal but true

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I've been on the brink many many times with my wife , and the only thing that has kept me at home is my daughter  - not ideal but true

 

I'm in that exact position right now myself.  We're not together anymore but we live together and have a young child.  Not married though.  Get on fairly well most of the time though so that helps. 

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Keep it all in lad, show no weakness. Women might love men who can show their feelings, but they love puppies and gay best friends too, and they're not getting in her knickers either. As much as a woman enjoys getting drunk and sharing problems with a sensitive man, at the end of the night he's packed into a taxi while she hunts down a man who bottles it up and can only release the pent up anger and pain by smashing her box all over the bedroom.

People will tell you you're not alone. They're full of shit. You are alone. Right now you could be surrounded by friends and family and you'd still feel alone. Don't fear it Bob, embrace it. You need no-one, you're bobby Rambo the one man army. It's your pain bob, endure it like a man and you will emerge stronger than ever.

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Maybe, but don't you think I'd feel worse accepting it.

 

Brave face, pretend everything's ok, spend 4 nights a week on your own in a flat your mate has just moved out of crying yourself to sleep at 7pm because you've just had a call from your daughter telling you the latest list of things you've missed seeing her do.

 

you need to be strong for her Bob.  There'll be lots of opportunities for you to share in lots of fantastic times and important moments in her life - you'll never be out of her life, so take strength from that.  You'll ALWAYS  be her dad, and she won't want to think of you crying yourself to sleep.  Show her what a fantastic dad you are.  Make her grow up confident and proud, and she'll know that she is that person because her dad made her so.  Lead by example mate.  Plenty of us have gone through this and know how hard it is.  Head up!

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And if you get some peanut butter it will lick your balls too.

With Bob's luck lately, it would probably chew his balls off.

Perhaps a nice fish then. A bit of unconditional love is needed.

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feels a bit different posting in this thread after the one on the MF last night. As a father of a young daughter that's given me a bit of a jolt - as selfish as that is. but as said before, cheers for your words people, all power to you. It's damn hard to deal with, and its my daughter and the thought of missing so much of her growing up and someone else coming into her life to see it that kills me. The tears are still flowing, not quite as often, but with more gusto when they do, and it always starts with thinking of her. anyway, onwards and upwards, chin up, and all that bluster. Got to keep the veil up so noone sees that i'm hurting but me!

With all due respect Bob - all this 'keeping the veil up' is fucking bullshit mate. I volunteer in a homeless shelter and 99% of the residents are male. I asked the on site councillor why it's only men in there. She said its because men don't process emotion properly and force it down. This results in other areas of their lives malfunctioning and feelings of being alone which can lead to depression cos our bullshit society views being hurt emotional some sign of weakness for men. Emotion is a real thing. It's energy. It is bad energy that your body is trying to process through the natural release mechanisms of crying and coming to and understanding through talking about your problems with people. If you forced te energy back it will come out in other ways like anger and rage, or you'll go into a shell. It's all about growing through the experience. In bad time I often think of the elastic band theory. The further you pull it down - the more the potential to go higher. You're the elastic band Bob - enjoy the pull back and the stretch into the dark cos when that baby releases your life is gonna change for the better. This is an awakening for you. Peace

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Nothing wrong with grieving over a loss Bob. I went through a sudden break up with a girl I was crazy about years ago. Took me a long time to get over it and I was bitter towards her for a long time. After a good few months of tears and self questioning I started to pick myself up go out more with friends and had a couple of dates . I then met the most wonderful person I've ever known in my life and 13 years later we're still together. I'm actually thankful now to my ex for doing what she did. You might be suffering at the moment but life will be good again mate!

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With all due respect Bob - all this 'keeping the veil up' is fucking bullshit mate. I volunteer in a homeless shelter and 99% of the residents are male. I asked the on site councillor why it's only men in there. She said its because men don't process emotion properly and force it down. This results in other areas of their lives malfunctioning and feelings of being alone which can lead to depression cos our bullshit society views being hurt emotional some sign of weakness for men. Emotion is a real thing. It's energy. It is bad energy that your body is trying to process through the natural release mechanisms of crying and coming to and understanding through talking about your problems with people. If you forced te energy back it will come out in other ways like anger and rage, or you'll go into a shell. It's all about growing through the experience. In bad time I often think of the elastic band theory. The further you pull it down - the more the potential to go higher. You're the elastic band Bob - enjoy the pull back and the stretch into the dark cos when that baby releases your life is gonna change for the better. This is an awakening for you. Peace

 

I'm sorry but that's complete shite from start to finish.

 

There's a 101 reasons why more men than women are homeless and none of them have fuck all to do with bottling up feelings.

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I've not been through this myself Bob but I did witness first hand the state my ol fella ended up in when he and me mam divorced.

 

First up it's ok to feel shit, it's ok to cry and have an extra drink. That's all part of the process, allow yourself time to feel shit. This is a woman you loved for a great number of years, the fact you wanted to keep the relationship going and she didn't naturally means your emotions will be all over the place - you can't have stopped loving her already and yet she's the cow that ended it all.

 

It's perfectly normal to feel shit at the moment, sorry mate but you'll probably feel like crap for a good few more months yet as well. That's life (I don't mean that to sound harsh). We all have to go through loss and grief but it takes time. A lot of time. However society today seems to want to convince us we can all be sound and sorted by the morning. That's bollocks. 

 

It's a hard track you're on at the moment, your emotions are all over the place, you desperately want to see your daughter but seeing her reminds you of how much you miss her and paradoxically makes you feel worse.

 

There is no simple answer other than time. Spending it with your daughter and allowing yourself time to get through this. Allow yourself to feel shit, it's normal to, don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Join a gym, throw a sickie and take your daughter to the zoo for the day. It won't harm her education for a fucking second and you get quality time together. Be civil to the ex in front of your daughter, you don't have to like her (in fact you can fucking hate her) but don't ever slag her off in front of your daughter. Explain you loved her mum but that the love for another woman is different to that of a love for a child. The love of your own child is endless no matter what. And then show her.

 

Time with her will be fun, enjoyable and meaningful. You'll look forward to those times and the thoughts about your ex will start to recede.

 

What I'm trying to say in a long winded way is what you're feeling at the moment isn't anything out of the normal. Whilst it feels worse than anything anyone else has ever experienced, it isn't. Blokes up and down the country are going through exactly the same thing as you. That's not to belittle what you're going through, not at all. But don't fall in to the trap of thinking yourself into a deeper depression.

 

Give yourself a break, love your daughter, spend time with mates and bum some slags.

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