In the doghouse...again.

[lifetime fan]

I nailed a bird in Corfu who had a picture of her boyfriend on the bedside table, she actually put it face down as we got down to it. I may or may not have wiped my nob on the photo when she went for a piss.

Class.

 

I know this bloke who was fucking a bird, nothing serious at the time, she's not long spilt from her ex who was a bit of a cunt and walked out on her birthday weeks after proposing.

 

So she's still living in the house they bought together and he's fucked off back to Kenya. She then get a solicitors letter saying he wants all his stuff.

 

So this bloke I know stuffs the exs rugby club tie up her fanny whilst he bums her, wipes his dick on it, wipes his arse on it everything before sending it back.

 

A few weeks later he saw him wearing it in a photo on faceaids.

[Total Longo]

My old boss told me a belter. He was seeing this bird and living together in a flat. They had another couple of friends come to visit and stay over. They had bought a bottle of Tequila back from a recent holiday and was obviously encouraging them to do Tequila sunrises. My old boss said no bad things happen when he drinks Tequila, he'll stick to beer. They kept on and on at him to try some so eventually he buckles.

 

*Missing scene*

 

He wakes up the next day having pissed all over the wardrobe and all over their guests. He was dumped and hasn't seen any of them since. Top work.

 

Drinking far too much in a short space of time. We've both memorably been there, mate.

[Bjornebye]

Is that blokes name Col by any chance Col?

[Pidge]

My old boss told me a belter. He was seeing this bird and living together in a flat. They had another couple of friends come to visit and stay over. They had bought a bottle of Tequila back from a recent holiday and was obviously encouraging them to do Tequila sunrises. My old boss said no bad things happen when he drinks Tequila, he'll stick to beer. They kept on and on at him to try some so eventually he buckles.

 

*Missing scene*

 

He wakes up the next day having pissed all over the wardrobe and all over their guests. He was dumped and hasn't seen any of them since. Top work.

 

Haha sounds like that episode of father Ted where they have to dart the TV host running loose on the scrubland.

[Pidge]

 A few years back I went to my girlfriend at the times mum’s who was having a bit of a gathering of her friends etc. I got on with her mum well (still do to this day) but her mum’s sister in law was there and she is far too highly strung. Especially too highly strung for me turning up, pissed. We were all in the kitchen and as I had been in the pub all day, I started playing up for these 7 pissed women. Culminating with me turning to the sister in law , hitting her on the head with a wooden spoon and calling her a ‘jumped up Scottish cunt’.

 

 Now in my mind I was saying it in jest and surely that’s how it should have been taken???? Was it fuck. My bird dragged me out the kitchen, her mum to her credit walked out the back door hiding her laughter and the sister in law stood there open mouthed not knowing what to say. I got a huge bollocking the next morning off my bird and had to apologise to this woman the next time I saw her because apparently ‘Cunt’ is a forbidden and most insulting word.

 

 We all had tickets to see Billy Connolly at Southampton mayflower (I’m a massive fan myself but this woman is a huge huge fan) and when we met up with them before the gig I apologised and bought her a bottle of wine in the bar across the road. You know when you apologise for something silly that you have done when drunk and the other person carries on being a bit of a dick about it? Well she was and as soon as she said “Ok its fine” I instantly regretted apologising. My exes mum saw the look on my face and just shook her head as if to say “I know, just leave it”

 

 Billy Connolly walks on stage and about 2 minutes into his act he mentions the word ‘Cunt’ and how he hates that people take such offence to it then proceeds to call everyone a Cunt. The only person in the place not laughing is ‘The Cunt’ who is looking down the row of seats seeing who is laughing. Her brother, my exes mum and my ex are chewing their cheeks fighting back the tears while I held my stomach and laughed my fucking head off.

 

 Have that you jumped up Scottish cunt. 

 

 

You forgiven me offending you at west ham away then?

[lifetime fan]

Is that blokes name Col by any chance Col?

No.

 

Because that would then give the impression it was me. And the bird asked me to not post that story on here.

 

So he definitely wasn't called Col.

[Bjornebye]

Knew it.

[Remmie]

Drinking far too much in a short space of time. We've both memorably been there, mate.

Don't know what you're on about mate.

 

[Kevin D]

Bump.

[Pureblood]

Nobody is bigger than the doghouse.

 

That bump was a disgrace.

[Curly]

My ex was working nights Christmas Eve and we were due to drive through to her parents' house when she got home on Christmas morning. I had strict instructions to pick up a pannacotta from M&S for her to take as dessert on Christmas Eve day and sort my packing and last bits of wrapping in the evening. I ended up getting pissed during the day, one thing led to another and I ended up on the beak. When she arrived home around 7.30 Christmas morning, I was pacing round the flat in my bills, listening to my iPod and chain smoking biftas. She went fucking ape.

 

We went to her mum and dads as planned with me having no sleep and it was an awful day. To top it all off, I fell asleep on the couch after dinner while watching tv with her family - grandparents, mum and dad, sister and her fella, the lot. Anyway, she tried to wake me up to see if if wanted a cup of tea and due to my tiredness had to shake me a bit. I awoke in sudden come down shock and shouted, "what?! Just fuck of will you!" and once my vision settled was greeted by the open mouthed faces of her entire family.

[lifetime fan]

We had an anniversary dinner booked at a restaurant that she had been looking forward to going to for ages.

 

The day before our anniversary was a certain sporting event involving us and that shower of devil worshipping cunts, so my missus knows how these things go and goes out to avoid the mayhem. Anyway, I settle down to watch it on the telly and realise that I've not got any beer in. A quick check in the cupboards unearths 3 bottles of Argentinian red wine (hers). I'm not much of a wine drinker but I need something to calm the nerves and open the first bottle and discover that it's actually quite quaffable.

 

I'm so tense during the game that I'm drinking this wine at the same speed that I'd drink beer and before the end of the game all 3 bottles have been rattled. She comes back after the game to find me an unholy fucking mess, it can't even tell her what the score was. 3 bottles of red on an empty stomach in under 2 hours, things can only go one way.

 

Apparently (I don't remember any of this), I spewed on the floor then went through to the bathroom and spewed in the sink before asking "whose fucking house is this". She put me to bed, I spewed in the bed. I spent the night in the bath spewing and retching constantly, my body didn't seem to give me any notice of it going to happen, it was just instant.

 

The next day I had a terrible pain in the middle of my chest and I'm still spewing except this time it's bringing up a bit of blood, she was still speaking to me at this point despite spending most of the previous evening mopping up spew and washing sheets, so she takes me to the doctors and I describe what happened. This doctor is looking at me like I'm a piece of shit on her shoe and I'm asking her for a painkiller and some stomach tablets. She tells me to sit on the bed and fucks off. Next thing a nurse comes in and puts a fucking drip in my arm and tells me to lie down, the doctor comes back in and tells me I'm being admitted overnight and has booked me in for an emergency endoscopy in the morning. I get sat in a fucking wheelchair (despite my protests) and wheeled back through the doctors waiting room to tell my wife that I don't think I'll be making the restaurant tonight.

 

To be fair to her she was pissing herself laughing once she got over the shock of seeing me coming out in a wheelchair with a drip in my arm. So yeah, spent the night in hospital getting woken up every 2 hours by a nurse to change my drip and make sure I wasn't dead, emergency endoscopy first thing in the morning which revealed grade 4 oesophagitis, I had basically ripped my stomach lining out to fuck. Got a bit of a talking to by the surgeon and was sent home with my tail between my legs and a bag full of stomach pills.

 

My missus was good about it though, but it still gets brought up years later if I try and get out of doing something...that fucking anniversary is always in my debt column.

 

 

 

You're fucking lucky Katie is so sound.

[lifetime fan]

I should add, the first time I met Barzini was out in Dubai.

 

We were meeting for lunch and ended up on a day long session, had beers in 100 degrees all afternoon and then carried on watching the unmentionable in his apartment.

 

The women sorted the kids out as we just carried on necking them and Barry even had cider for me.

 

At about 3am I tried taking Tegan home, she could hardly stand, threw up everywhere in the lift and I had to bribe the caretaker with quite a significant amount of cash to apologise for the mess and him not call the police.

 

Ended up waking Barry's better half up an hour later at stupid o'clock in the morning with the bird in a fireman lift, asking if we could come back in, quick power nap and then took her home.

 

Next day: "I feel fucked, did we meet anyone"?

[Alan Sex]

"You've not listened to a word I've said have you?"

 

I always found this to be a really strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

[lifetime fan]

"You've not listened to a word I've said have you?"

 

I always found this to be a really strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

"I try not to princess" is my current stock response.

[Sugar Ape]

The wife has spent all morning cleaning the house and just finished in the toilet cleaning it and putting that blue disinfectant shit down there when I burst in, told her to get out and absolutely destroyed the bog. It’s like an abattoir in there and the smell drafting through the closed door is making her balk. 
 

Just trying to watch the footy in peace now but I can tell by the glint in her eye she’s got something horrible planned like making me go for a walk. 

[Trumo]

2 hours ago, Sugar Ape said:

The wife has spent all morning cleaning the house and just finished in the toilet cleaning it and putting that blue disinfectant shit down there when I burst in, told her to get out and absolutely destroyed the bog. It’s like an abattoir in there and the smell drafting through the closed door is making her balk. 
 

Just trying to watch the footy in peace now but I can tell by the glint in her eye she’s got something horrible planned like making me go for a walk. 

 

Imagine my surprise when I saw this wasn't Stouff's follow-up to his lamb biryani.

[YorkshireRed]

I spend more time in the doghouse than our dog. Our dog spends more time in our bed than I do.

 

I wish I was a dog. 

[TheHowieLama]

27 minutes ago, YorkshireRed said:

 

I wish I was a dog. 

@cloggypop

 

 

[Creator Supreme]

On 27/04/2015 at 13:06, Pidge said:

 

Haha sounds like that episode of father Ted where they have to dart the TV host running loose on the scrubland.

"How dare they sack me? I made the BBC!"