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little things that annoy the shit out of you

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All the birds in Stockport deciding to roost in the trees next to your house then waking at 5 o'clock in the cunting morning.

You're getting a lie in, mate. It starts around half 3 here

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People who use grammatical errors as their first port of call in an argument against someone, if you don't agree with someone then destroy their opinion instead of polishing your bell end whilst telling them its you're not your, I genuinely don't think there's anything more smug and pompous.

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Peole who are trying to pack in smoking yet haven't managed it in 3 years of trying and buy every available fad to do it.

 

I don't mind people trying to lose weight, move jobs, make 2015 their year, stop smoking, get the gym more then failing to do any of it

 

Being in hearing shot of their plans on a regular basis is what fucks me off, or seeing inspirational quotes on their timeline.  Some people will be fucking gimps no matter what they say 

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People who use grammatical errors as their first port of call in an argument against someone, if you don't agree with someone then destroy their opinion instead of polishing your bell end whilst telling them its you're not your, I genuinely don't think there's anything more smug and pompous.

 

I bet you double checked that post for grammatical errors before posting it though, Al.

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Why has every advert got to have some kind of cartoon character in it that is completely irrelevant to the product? Often with some sort of irrelevant gratuitous implied nostalgia? Started with the meerkats, continued with that Short Circuit-type thing Brian and Churchill the dog (complete with Knight Rider theme or Depeche Mode for no reason) and now I see there is a purple muppet advertising Three to the tune of an East 17 song. Just fuck off.

Coz simpletons like cartoons and are programmed to pay attention when they appear. Insurance is boring but necessary and Neanderthals would rather connect to a nodding dog than a bloke in a suit , Oh yesss 

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All the kissing & cuddling that goes on these days when you meet someone, I'm quite happy with an 'Alright' or a quick handshake, thanks very much.

 

Sometimes it's really awkward as well.

 

Like if the person has tits & I get a stiffy,

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All the kissing & cuddling that goes on these days when you meet someone, I'm quite happy with an 'Alright' or a quick handshake, thanks very much.

 

Sometimes it's really awkward as well.

 

Like if the person has tits and gets a stiffy,

Happens all too often that, Mook.

 

Universally attractive, me.

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My female south African friends all insist on a kiss when they turn up and a kiss when they leave. I'd prefer a fuck but they are an odd bunch.

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My mother in-law & most of the women on that side of the family want a cuddle to say hello & goodbye, I come from a bit of more of a stiff upper lip type family where no-one touches each other & if you talk about your feelings you get thrown in the river & shot.

 

When they go in for a cuddle, I have no idea what to do, sometimes I scream & hide outside in the car with my Incredible Hulk & Thor figures.

 

Fucking French bastards, the lot of them.

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People who go to get out of a lift on the wrong floor and then make a joke about it.  Sorry, that's not funny you twat.  Maybe you'd be better served watching the little luminous number for the floor you want to get off at instead of wasting two seconds of my day apologising.

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People who are too fucking jumpy. especially when it is completely fake. My missus is the queen cunt in this particular field. Don't get me wrong, I love the bones of her and she is great 73% of the time but this twat act she does really pisses me off. She calls it her "hyper-startle". her mum claims to suffer from it as well. Here is an example of this shit:

 

 We are walking down the road the other day, she is carrying the new puppy and I am just minding my own business. I was in-fact looking across the road at the pub wondering how I can get away for a quick pint without having to take them (her). Anyway, talking away and next thing she lets out a big yelp and jumps back then takes two big steps away and goes "oh my god!" really fucking loud ensuring that everyone in the vicinity looked over and no doubt peering percy's in nearby houses. Turns out a ginger cat was sat on a red brick wall and she only saw it when she was about 5 yards from it and it made her jump. Fucking bullshit. The puppy has shit itself, i'm ready to chin you as well. Compose yourself you fucking mess. Be cool. fucking bitch. Its a bad over-reaction that for some reason she thinks makes her 'wacky'. I wish the catw as a fucking lion and it had tore her limb from limb there and then. At least me and the dog could have gone for a pint then. I'd have put circle of life on the jukebox then raised a toast like. A toast to hyper-startled cunts.

 

Fucking Lion bait.

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People who are too fucking jumpy. especially when it is completely fake. My missus is the queen cunt in this particular field. Don't get me wrong, I love the bones of her and she is great 73% of the time but this twat act she does really pisses me off. She calls it her "hyper-startle". her mum claims to suffer from it as well. Here is an example of this shit:

 

 We are walking down the road the other day, she is carrying the new puppy and I am just minding my own business. I was in-fact looking across the road at the pub wondering how I can get away for a quick pint without having to take them (her). Anyway, talking away and next thing she lets out a big yelp and jumps back then takes two big steps away and goes "oh my god!" really fucking loud ensuring that everyone in the vicinity looked over and no doubt peering percy's in nearby houses. Turns out a ginger cat was sat on a red brick wall and she only saw it when she was about 5 yards from it and it made her jump. Fucking bullshit. The puppy has shit itself, i'm ready to chin you as well. Compose yourself you fucking mess. Be cool. fucking bitch. Its a bad over-reaction that for some reason she thinks makes her 'wacky'. I wish the catw as a fucking lion and it had tore her limb from limb there and then. At least me and the dog could have gone for a pint then. I'd have put circle of life on the jukebox then raised a toast like. A toast to hyper-startled cunts.

 

Fucking Lion bait.

When you getting married?

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My Ma is the same Stig. Always overdramatises being shocked or startled. The other day she said she was in Marks and Spencer's and felt the building shake, then goes over to one of the staff and asks if she can sit down for a moment pretending to be out of sorts.

 

The woman behind the till said that the train line from central to James street runs underneath the building and that's all it was. I told her to stop being so overdramatic and if she had done that in my company I would have just walked off and left her.

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Mine grew up in a house without a floor, and in an area with earthquakes once a fortnight. Which thankfully has ensured I've never been subjected to melodrama.

 

Which is nice.

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It's not just ol dears being dramatic for the sake of it...

 

I started a 31 hour shift this morning and like a daft cunt forgot my lunch for today and tomorrow and my tea for tonight.

 

I get a pissy message off her tonight saying "thanks for appreciating all my hard work and taking the food I cooked you to work. Don't I feel appreciated".

 

The food she cooked for me? Daft cow made me two salads and some beef sandwiches.

 

I messaged her back "I'm the one that's had 6 slices of toast today, I can assure you I'm more pissed off than you".

 

Silence for half an hour and then "well you should have thought of that before I had to bin it all because it had gone off".

 

Fucking salad and a sandwich has 'gone off' in less than 24 hours in the fridge.

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Cheeky cunt family members again.

 

Her sister and fella borrowed two of our suitcases to go to America last month. Both of them got damaged before being put in the carousel on the way home. We never made a fuss and they said they were sorry and would give us some money towards replacements.

 

Mrs speaks to him before and asks for the money so we can buy replacements. He said he will give us £20 towards new ones. My Mrs says we need £20 for each one as the cheapest case that is even remotely half decent is about £50 and we need two. Her sister rings up moaning saying we are out of order as the cases weren't even new and one of the zips on the front pocket was broken. I asked her when she became an insurance loss adjuster and said that before they took our cases we had two perfectly workable ones and after their holiday we don't. Not even asking for much as it is, just a contribution towards new ones as we will be out of pocket again. Texts back later and said they will give us the money on Saturday, four weeks after they came home.

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Cheeky cunt family members again.

 

Her sister and fella borrowed two of our suitcases to go to America last month. Both of them got damaged before being put in the carousel on the way home. We never made a fuss and they said they were sorry and would give us some money towards replacements.

 

Mrs speaks to him before and asks for the money so we can buy replacements. He said he will give us £20 towards new ones. My Mrs says we need £20 for each one as the cheapest case that is even remotely half decent is about £50 and we need two. Her sister rings up moaning saying we are out of order as the cases weren't even new and one of the zips on the front pocket was broken. I asked her when she became an insurance loss adjuster and said that before they took our cases we had two perfectly workable ones and after their holiday we don't. Not even asking for much as it is, just a contribution towards new ones as we will be out of pocket again. Texts back later and said they will give us the money on Saturday, four weeks after they came home.

It seems they are skilled in being shameless cunts

 

Its a unique skill that some people possess in that they can brush off anything

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It seems they are skilled in being shameless cunts

 

Its a unique skill that some people possess in that they can brush off anything

 

This isn't as extreme because no-one broke anything but her sister and her fella fucked off travelling. Anyway he mentioned needing a backpack and I said i've got a boss one I took travelling with me that he is more than welcome to use. A few days before they were going we were about to drive up there and I text him asking did he still want it "yeah if thats ok" he replied. No worries. So up I go into the loft, its right at the back and was full of stuff so I emptied it out. it had some dry mud on it, not lots but a bit from a festival I had last taken it too. Washed it all off , dried it and put it in the car. We get up there and them two were out shopping. Anyway, I leave the backpack on the kitchen floor and they come back from shopping. Turns out his daddy had given him a few extra grand for travelling so he had gone and kitted himself out including a new backpack. now that didn't bother me, it was the fact when i said to him "you won't want that then" he went "nah your alright" then carried on prattling on about his new travelling gear like a fucking excited 3 year old on christmas day. I just shook me head and threw it back in the car. 

 

I wouldn't mind but mine was fucking better than his new one anyway. Che Guevara looking cunt. 

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