Surreal (sexual) propositions

[ZonkoVille77]

Remmie that's a fucking belter of a story. Laughing my head off at that. No wonder the Mexican guy fucked off.

[Clowes]

Ok This sounds like good fun. :-)

 

About 6 years ago I was working with a girl about 10 years younger than myself. We got on really well and eventually started flirting with each other. This came to ahead on a works do near Christmas time. We had both had a bit to drink and she just a came out and asked me "when are you going to fuck me then?" I laughed it off for a few minutes assuming it was just the drink until she discretely put her hand on my cock and gave it a proper good grope (just as well nobody else was outside at the time.

 

I wasn't sure what to do as she seemed quite drunk at this stage so I politely said we'd talk about it tomorrow. She smiled and said about time.

 

Well tomorrow came and my bottle went, just couldn't bring myself to call her, started to assume it must have been the drinkafterall when I got a text message from her. " I thought we were going to talk? Come to my house, please please please!" Ok fair enough it was a Saturday so I thought fine go and see what happens. I tell her ill go round for 4.30 she sends text all excited, "you want regret this...I promise". At this point I'm thinking its still some sort of wind-up. So I get there and the front door is very slightly open. I ring the door bell. She calls out to e is that you Micky?, yes it's me I reply. Just come in and shut the door. I'm upstairs. Can you come up I'm in the bathroom.

 

I get up stairs and the bathroom door is open and she is stood in front of the mirror putting her make up on .and I kid you not she was wearing the full month. Black high heels, stockings, suspenders and very sexy little black knickers and bra.

 

Go into the bedroom ill be in in a minute. Fuck me I couldn't believe this. Off I go to the bedroom, open the door thinking this is going to be awesome. And that's when it hit me.....the stink. What the fuck?? The bedroom was a fucking mess and it stunk of shit.

 

Too late .. She's behind me now all over me so I try and put the stink out of my mind. She quickly starts to undress me as she is sucking my face off. She briefly stops to take a big gulp of the wine that I hadn't noticed on the bedside table. I remember thinking she smells lovely how can her room smell likea fucking sewer?? I'm naked know and on her bed. The sheets didn't look clean and werea bit minging but not the source of the smell.

 

She wastes no time she straddles me in a 69 position her on top and proceeds to attack my rock hard member with gusto.every time I go to pull her knickers to one side to return the favour she reaches back with her hand and stops me just saying wait , wait.

 

Ok I'm just about putting the smell out of my mind when I hear something, in amongst the moaning from her. She farted, was that an accident, surely it must have Been... Nope she stopped sucking my cock arched her back and did it again. This time edging ack towards my face. What the fuck, that's disgusting! I tried to move but I thought she was starting to have an orgasm (strange because she hadn't let me touch her) its coming oh god don't move please this is for you. Then I had my answer.. Her knickers bulged at the back as she shit herself 6" from my face. Before I could do anything she reached around a using her fingers pushed her knickers up her arsehole spreading her shite everywhere. I pushed her off calling her all the fucking names under the sun. She looked genuinely upset and started to cry and apologise . I stood up and said I wasn't interested in stuff like this and that this was a total mistake for both of us. At this point I noticed I had stood in something semi dry and a little squelchy. I looked down to see I had trodden in another pair of her shit filled pants that she had just left inthe floor amidst all the other crap she had just thrown there.

 

 

I got dressed after washing my foot in her bathroom (which was spotless btw) all the time she was crying hysterically saying I though that's what you wanted?? Wtf! I told her she need help and had to see somebody, just not me! By this time she was a shitty, stinking, snotty, shambeling teary mess. I told her not to worry as I wouldn't tell anybody in work what happend. I left and dreaded Monday morning.

 

Well Monday came and surprisingly she arrived in work and acted as if nothing had ever gone on, even when we were alone I asked her if she was ok? Yes fine how are you ? Was the reply! I was a gent and never mentioned it to anybody else in work even after she left to go and live up north. To this day hat is the most sexy, disgusting, sickening thing I have ever been involved in. And no I wouldn't do it again its fucking awful.

[Barzini]

Clowes = repped.

 

That is one horrifying, wonderful story.

[Furmedge]

That was like 50 Shades of Brown.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Sexy

[Carvalho Diablo]

Got her number ?

[JagSquared]

Superb

[Trumo]

You know how you often hear the phrase "someone somewhere must be sick of her shit"...?

[Red_or_Dead]

Propositioned by a fat old paedo outside Euston in 1993 after I'd been to a gig at Brixton Academy and missed my last train back. His chat up line: "I'm having problems with a database, could you help me?" Scarpered pretty sharpish.

 

Second one was in the old Manchester Arndale bus station around 1995 (again after a gig) and was propositioned by a 13 year old prostitute. In the back of my head the only thing that was stopping me was that I'd probably get cut up by her pimp for having fuck all money on me.

[Liverpool lad]

Totally agree with the flashbacks of birds you might of banged had you been more switched on. I have 'nam like flashbacks

[ZonkoVille77]

Fuckin hell that's some story clowes

[Pony Princess]

Ok This sounds like good fun. :-)

 

About 6 years ago I was working with a girl about 10 years younger than myself. We got on really well and eventually started flirting with each other. This came to ahead on a works do near Christmas time. We had both had a bit to drink and she just a came out and asked me "when are you going to fuck me then?" I laughed it off for a few minutes assuming it was just the drink until she discretely put her hand on my cock and gave it a proper good grope (just as well nobody else was outside at the time.

 

I wasn't sure what to do as she seemed quite drunk at this stage so I politely said we'd talk about it tomorrow. She smiled and said about time.

 

Well tomorrow came and my bottle went, just couldn't bring myself to call her, started to assume it must have been the drinkafterall when I got a text message from her. " I thought we were going to talk? Come to my house, please please please!" Ok fair enough it was a Saturday so I thought fine go and see what happens. I tell her ill go round for 4.30 she sends text all excited, "you want regret this...I promise". At this point I'm thinking its still some sort of wind-up. So I get there and the front door is very slightly open. I ring the door bell. She calls out to e is that you Micky?, yes it's me I reply. Just come in and shut the door. I'm upstairs. Can you come up I'm in the bathroom.

 

I get up stairs and the bathroom door is open and she is stood in front of the mirror putting her make up on .and I kid you not she was wearing the full month. Black high heels, stockings, suspenders and very sexy little black knickers and bra.

 

Go into the bedroom ill be in in a minute. Fuck me I couldn't believe this. Off I go to the bedroom, open the door thinking this is going to be awesome. And that's when it hit me.....the stink. What the fuck?? The bedroom was a fucking mess and it stunk of shit.

 

Too late .. She's behind me now all over me so I try and put the stink out of my mind. She quickly starts to undress me as she is sucking my face off. She briefly stops to take a big gulp of the wine that I hadn't noticed on the bedside table. I remember thinking she smells lovely how can her room smell likea fucking sewer?? I'm naked know and on her bed. The sheets didn't look clean and werea bit minging but not the source of the smell.

 

She wastes no time she straddles me in a 69 position her on top and proceeds to attack my rock hard member with gusto.every time I go to pull her knickers to one side to return the favour she reaches back with her hand and stops me just saying wait , wait.

 

Ok I'm just about putting the smell out of my mind when I hear something, in amongst the moaning from her. She farted, was that an accident, surely it must have Been... Nope she stopped sucking my cock arched her back and did it again. This time edging ack towards my face. What the fuck, that's disgusting! I tried to move but I thought she was starting to have an orgasm (strange because she hadn't let me touch her) its coming oh god don't move please this is for you. Then I had my answer.. Her knickers bulged at the back as she shit herself 6" from my face. Before I could do anything she reached around a using her fingers pushed her knickers up her arsehole spreading her shite everywhere. I pushed her off calling her all the fucking names under the sun. She looked genuinely upset and started to cry and apologise . I stood up and said I wasn't interested in stuff like this and that this was a total mistake for both of us. At this point I noticed I had stood in something semi dry and a little squelchy. I looked down to see I had trodden in another pair of her shit filled pants that she had just left inthe floor amidst all the other crap she had just thrown there.

 

 

I got dressed after washing my foot in her bathroom (which was spotless btw) all the time she was crying hysterically saying I though that's what you wanted?? Wtf! I told her she need help and had to see somebody, just not me! By this time she was a shitty, stinking, snotty, shambeling teary mess. I told her not to worry as I wouldn't tell anybody in work what happend. I left and dreaded Monday morning.

 

Well Monday came and surprisingly she arrived in work and acted as if nothing had ever gone on, even when we were alone I asked her if she was ok? Yes fine how are you ? Was the reply! I was a gent and never mentioned it to anybody else in work even after she left to go and live up north. To this day hat is the most sexy, disgusting, sickening thing I have ever been involved in. And no I wouldn't do it again its fucking awful.

 

A++++, very erotic

[Remmie]

This is an awesome thread so far

[Clowes]

Fuckin hell that's some story clowes

 

Yeah I know. It's actually quite therapeutic being able to tell a bunch of strangers about it. It put me off women totally for about 6 months. It was fucking horrific. Not into anything like that at all and to this day I have no fucking clue whatsoever by what she meant "I thought this is what you wanted"!!! I thinks she must have been mentally ill or something, although you would never have guessed from what she was like in work etc.

[ph245]

Apparantly, Una Stubbs is into that kind of action too.

Great story Clowes !

[Bjornebye]

Apparantly, Una Stubbs is into that kind of action too.

Great story Clowes !

 

Erm don't throw this out these and not come up with any evidence!!!! How in the fuck do you know that????

 

I've got quite a few i'm trying to unlock from the vault but nothing, nothing compares to you Clowes.

[Bjornebye]

My leaving piss up weekend before I joined the navy in 2001. Friday night we got a mini-bus to Mr Smiths in Warrington. I was only 17 but it was easy to get in and always full of birds who were out to get shagged.

I was absolutely steaming walking for a piss and this dark haired girl pinches my arse. I turned round and winked at her (as you do when you are 17, think you are fucking brad pitt and bladdered) then went the bog. I actually remember having a word with myself in the bog about how gay I am for winking and that if I find her I’ll try and get in there.

Anyway, left the bog, couldn’t find her anywhere. Fcuk it, found the lads and carried on getting smashed. Next thing some fella starts kicking off right by us and before im know it im in the middle of this fucking fight and when the bouncers start hooking people im included. Next thing im outside with lads I don’t know and the bouncers aren having none of it despite these all being from wigan or something and me having one of them ‘over the top donald duck uber look at me im scouse accents’ .

 

Anyway I think fuck it ill wait on the wall by the car-park. Next thing I’m approached by this bird who pinched my arse, she saw me get thrown out and followed. Invites me back to her house in grappenhal (the only semi decent area of warrington I soon found out) to carry on. Jackpot central.

 

She has done all the leg-work, gets me back, pours the drinks and proceeds to suck me off in the living room. Nice lovely house and stuff, tells me her mum and dad aren’t here till Sunday so I think nice one. We had the filthiest sex all night, up her arse, 69’s, the lot. Didn’t get asleep till it was light. Couldn’t have gone any better. Till the next morning she wakes up and says she doesn’t recognise me, I have to leave, and leave now as her boyfriend is coming round and she is literally panicking and freaking out at me. Enough for me to question if I had actually broken into some random birds house and got in bed with her and the rest was all a dream.

I was gutted too because she was fit as fuck.

 

Refused to call me a taxi, wouldn’t give me directions to the station or town and called me a pervert and a cunt etc as I walked out the door.

 

Fucking weird.

[ph245]

Google 'Una Stubbs rumour', Bjornebye.

[Bjornebye]

Google 'Una Stubbs rumour', Bjornebye.

 

well aren't i a massive gutted cunt.

 

i though una stubbs was una from the saturdays

 

[ph245]

I actually really did laugh out loud then !

[Bjornebye]

I reckon she likes the shit action as well anyway. she looks like she does.

[lifetime fan]

I've a couple I'll post later when I've more time.

[Champ]

I've a couple I'll post later when I've more time.

 

Not the rape one again.......please

[lifetime fan]

No mention of rape Cath.

 

Chatting up an old sort in an over 35's club, I was about 20 at the time and she comes out with; 'I won't fuck you because I'm married, but if you're quick I'll give you a blowjob outside before my husband picks me up'.

 

Another time out after we'd won a certain sporting cup on a Sunday, pull a chavy looking slag with a cracking body, get back to hers and she's getting the good loving when all of a sudden I can hear a baby crying in the same room as us.

 

Not wanting to stop I ignore the crying until she starts getting pissy with me. 'What do you think you're doing? Do me from behind so I can rock her crib to keep her quiet'.

 

You can't buy class like that.

[Champ]

No mention of rape Cath.

 

Not wanting to stop I ignore the crying until she starts getting pissy with me. 'What do you think you're doing? Do me from behind so I can rock her crib to keep her quiet'.

 

You can't buy class like that.

 

Fantastic!