Surreal (sexual) propositions

[Hooch]

"ebony and libarary" hahaha.

 

Seeing as she was in school uniform you probably made the right call. But, man... great story bro'.

[Nunavut Patrick]

How's this for surreal:

 

I worked for a few months delivering room service at a hotel in western Canada about ten years back. One late night, I took some drinks up to a room and was met at the door by a pudgy middle-aged bloke in his undercrackers. This actually wouldn't be unusual at all, as you see all sorts working in hotels, and it's usually your best bet to keep a straight face and act professional. So I ignored his condition and took the tray in to set it down.

 

As I walked into the bedroom, there was a young east Asian woman -- probably early 20s -- stretched out on the bed and looking at me with a seductive twinkle in her eye. She was lying half-covered by the bedsheets, apparently nude, with her tits out... and the unmistakable shape of her erect penis clearly outlined in the white sheet.

 

Neither of them said a word, she just gazed at me across the room, and I've never, ever worked harder to keep a straight face in my life. I set the tray down, handed the bloke the bill to get his signature, and barely made it back out the door before I fell over and pissed myself laughing in the hall.

 

On my grandmother's grave, that is a true story. I wouldn't make shit like that up.

 

Hope I gave you a decent tip.

[Robbo29]

i believe chauncey, was going home from work a few weeks back, now i live over the water so was waiting for a bus in victoria st, last stop b4 the tunnel. stood there waiting and happened to see this young black girl, school blazer over her arm and wearing this black coat she was clutching around herself. she walked past, then turned and walked back and stopped, lets her hand drop and fuck me she had nothing on under her coat, tits well on display, i could not believe it, felt like a dirty old man and all i was doing was waiting for a bus! never seen her again though

[Adebisi]

Earlier this year a group of lasses, the oldest barely looked 16, came over to me at the bus stop and started the usual teenage shit asking if I'd sort them a fag or buy them some drink. Rather than lie and say I had no baccy I said I'd roll them a fag (I was a bit tipsy. I don't smoke fags so when I pulled out the big skins they demanded to know if I had any ganja. 'errmmm...' 'he does, he does!' one of them cried. 'listen I've barley got any left plus my bus is here soon plus yas barely look 15, I'll roll you a fag and then you can leave me be' it didn't really work, they were hell bent on me giving them some. 'she'll buck ya' one of them said pointing at her mate, I looked at the lassie in question expecting her to be somewhat angry at her mate for suggesting she would genuinely have sex with a bloke for 'a bit of green'

 

Instead she looked at me, laughed and says 'we'd have to go to your house though' I burst out laughing, told them they were mental and fucked off. They jeered me as I left. Felt like fucking Peep Show or something. Teenagers are fucking basketcases, but I probably encouraged it a bit by acknowledging their existence and rolling them a fag, but in my defense I was a bit pissed and the eldest one was wearing some very short shorts.

[Nunavut Patrick]

This girl is starting to sound like some sexed-up female Ugandan version of Purple Aki.

[manwiththestick]

What was that characters name that eludes me who used to have these types of threads with random capital words? His sentences read like he was from the eastern block

 

Andriy Voronin? He liked talking ABOUT doing it with ladies (the SEX)

[Red Banjo]

The original story from the OP got me thinking - women can pretty much get away with whatever they want - where as we would be cast as perverts or even potential rapists in a role reversal. Its wrong and mind boggling.

 

Imagine any of us walking into a library, spotting some fit chick you quite fancy boffing. You approach her - start unbuttoning your trousers, talking suggestively and exposing yourself. Security and quite possibly the police would be called. The bird might even start screaming and creating a fuss, meaning you might get a slap if some meathead is within earshot and fancies taking on the role of hero.

 

Its amazing what women can get away with.

[Nunavut Patrick]

The original story from the OP got me thinking - women can pretty much get away with whatever they want - where as we would be cast as perverts or even potential rapists in a role reversal. Its wrong and mind boggling.

 

Imagine any of us walking into a library, spotting some fit chick you quite fancy boffing. You approach her - start unbuttoning your trousers, talking suggestively and exposing yourself. Security and quite possibly the police would be called. The bird might even start screaming and creating a fuss, meaning you might get a slap if some meathead is within earshot and fancies taking on the role of hero.

 

Its amazing what women can get away with.

 

Two words: Boobies. Vagina's.

[Champ]

 

Two words: Boobies. Vagina's.

 

Two more words: unnecessary apostrophe

[The Great Jacko]

I've had a bit of rum and I'm not sure what I read.

 

pissed myself laughing - bravo

[Nunavut Patrick]

Two more words: unnecessary apostrophe

 

Another two: Scottish pedant.

[Pony Princess]

I do a lot of freelance work had loads on this week with a deadline looming and an hellaciously ropey internet connection in my flat to compound matters. With this in mind I headed to the shit-hot new Central Library on Thursday afternoon for some peace and quiet and fast wireless.

 

It was pretty quiet given the weather and I had one of these bad boys (but on the secluded external wall behind shelves of books) all to myself. Anyway I'm working away for a couple of hours - no headphones, with it being so tranquil - until one moment someone sits in the seat right next to me. A quick glance to my left reavealed it was a young black girl in a school uniform and she reached over to some discarded books which were by her seat and asked if I was using them. "No go ahead," I reply.

 

Now, it wasn't until she sat down in the seat right next to me that I noticed she was holding her blazer and her school blouse was completely undone and her bra pulled down to her belly button: I could see a fat left tit in all its pert glory.

 

In the course of a couple of seconds I watched out of the corner of my eye as she reached behind her head with both hands (exposing both boobs), pulled out a bobble and flung it towards my laptop. Holy shit!

 

I'm not going to lie, I stiffened up in all senses as I could see where this was headed. I ignored her for a few moments whilst she flicked through the books in front of her and said "There are no nudes in this book. I'm studying art at college and need to draw nudes". She sat there until I turned and said she should cover herself up - by this point she was reclining and her legs were facing me, fully open. She said she was from Uganda and when it was hot all girls in her country went round like this. To my shame, I said this isn't Uganda and it might offend some people her showing her tits off to strangers. She was in a school uniform after all.*

 

Now, this is going to sound like even more bullshit but she said they watched a film on sex education in college that day and she was feeling really horny (but tried to qualify it by saying she doesn't go with a lot of boys). What the fuck can I say or do to that?

 

What I did was tell her to cover up and let me get on with my work... there was a female library attendant looming about twenty yards away and - though it was never my intention to take this girl into the nearby toilets and smash her senseless, like she blatantly wanted me to - it hastened the outcome. She crossed her legs, slowly and deliberately buttoned her blouse back up all the time complaining that she was covering her best feature (no arguments there) and asking if I wanted to look at porn (damn right).

 

She fucked off to the next floor up and - after waiting for my rock-on to becalm - I packed my shit up quicksnap to go outside and get right on the phone to tell whoever I could about what just happened. The consensus amongst my mates is that even though she had a cracking body and it would have been another ethnicity off the to-do list - I did the right thing in not even having a little fumble in the bogs. Bit gay?

 

What says the GF? :whistle:

 

 

*she could sense my unease and said she had been kept back a year and was 17, despite the uniform. It was one of those where the tits suggested she might have well been her stated age, but the uniform knocked a couple of years off.

 

You chose... wisely...

 

[VladimirIlyich]

"ebony and library" hahaha.

 

Seeing as she was in school uniform you probably made the right call. But, man... great story bro'.

 

Glad you enjoyed the tag.

[Liverpool lad]

Birds never offer me sex so can't add nothing to this thread

[manwiththestick]

It's frightening the amount of vadge I've turned down over the years, to the point my mates used to call me a gay. Never thought anything of it as there was always another option, now as I'm pushing 40 I don't quite cry myself to sleep over missed opportunity, but its in the forefront of my mind.

 

Take heed young people.

[PaulMcC]

If she wasn't wearing her uniform you would have.

 

I haven't been in the new library. The old one wasn't that dirty.

[lifetime fan]

'Stick your thumb up my arse, your index finger in my cunt and put your middle finger on my clit and squeeze like it was an orange'.

[General Dryness]

What was that characters name that eludes me who used to have these types of threads with random capital words? His sentences read like he was from the eastern block

 

Edited : Fuck it. I'll read the whole thread before I reply next time.

[General Dryness]

Hope I gave you a decent tip.

 

You both got a decent tip by the sounds of things.

[lifetime fan]

It's frightening the amount of vadge I've turned down over the years, to the point my mates used to call me a gay. Never thought anything of it as there was always another option, now as I'm pushing 40 I don't quite cry myself to sleep over missed opportunity, but its in the forefront of my mind.

 

Take heed young people.

 

 

No man ever comes to the end of his days regretting he's had too much fucking.

[Carvalho Diablo]

'Stick your thumb up my arse, your index finger in my cunt and put your middle finger on my clit and squeeze like it was an orange'.

 

[Flying Pig]

I once fingered a bird in her fanny with my own finger. It's called 'fingering' I have been told. True story. I've done it again since, that's right, twice.

[lifetime fan]

That wasn't even rapey bird.

[manwiththestick]

No man ever comes to the end of his days regretting he's had too much fucking.

 

Apart from the Barrymore pool guy.

[lifetime fan]

Apart from the Barrymore pool guy.

 

 

Awight.