Top Tips

[Remmie]

Used to be one of my favourite sections in Viz, but this thread is for both comical and actual top tips. This link inspired me, though I found the term "life-hacks" incredibly obnoxious, so I've plumped for top tips instead.

[Lee909]

Don't eat yellow snow

[Paulie Dangerously]

Save money on expensive Italian leather gloves this winter by getting a dog and keeping the freshly filled poo bags in your pockets

[lifetime fan]

Don't eat yellow snow

 

 

Don't piss up wind.

[Champ]

 

Don't piss up wind.

 

Or spit

[liverpoolsno9]

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills by giving your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50p

 

 

SAVE doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort

[A Red]

Avoid uncomfortable and painful visits to the dentist by not going

[Guest davelfc]

Apply a coat of varnish to kids lollipops to make them last a lot longer. Warning: May cause dizziness when applying.

[ZonkoVille77]

Save money on expensive diet pills and shakes by just eating less.

Or by eating a month old cheese and tomato sandwich and loosing weight the bacterial way.

[Guest davelfc]

Women over 35, save yourself the pain and cost of an expensive tattoo on your lower back by just writing 'old slag' on your forehead in lipstick.

[Flying Pig]

AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

[Flying Pig]

Just found a favourite of mine:

 

 

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

[Guest davelfc]

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match

in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals

the source of the escaping gas.

[Guest davelfc]

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

[Chairman Meow]

ROYALS. To save embarrassment caused by Prince Harry's constant indiscretions, why not simply admit that he is the son of major James Hewitt, and therefore nothing to do with you.

 

BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

[Robbo29]

Don't stroke your dog when he is on fire

 

Don't wipe your arse with a broken bottle

[Bobby Hundreds]

Employers avoid employing unlucky people by taking half of your application forms and throwing them straight in to the bin.

[Redder Lurtz]

Not a top tip but Viz related from their letters page which I recall from years ago:

 

Dear Dulux Once,

 

I think the word you were looking for is "Twice"

 

Regards

[Champ]

Not a top tip but Viz related from their letters page which I recall from years ago:

 

Dear Dulux Once,

 

I think the word you were looking for is "Twice"

 

Regards

 

Or 'Three Times for Good Measure'

[Bjornebye]

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

[Anny Road]

Drivers. Impress your passengers when you drive them to your house giving them the feeling you have a large gravelled driveway by glueing rice crispies to your tyres.

[Trumo]

Drivers. Impress your passengers when you drive them to your house giving them the feeling you have a large gravelled driveway by glueing rice crispies to your tyres.

 

Top Tip NB - this is only useful if your passengers are blind or locked in the boot.

[Rush 346]

Just found a favourite of mine:

 

 

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

Fab! Made me laugh that

[Red Soul]

Old women, avoid causing tailbacks in supermarket aisles by taking Alzheimer's medication and exerting forward pressure on the trolley.

Roy from Belfast.

[RJ Fan club]

Three wasps and a cigar tube makes an inexpensive vibrator.