Awkward sex / dates

[Guest]

I realise I'm probably in the minority here, but I've never been able to get my head around people wanting sex when they have been drinking.

 

When I used to drink, I would chase pint after pint and unloading my bollocks was the last thing on my mind.

 

I'd manage some takeaway food but getting an errection would have been impossible.

 

 

[lifetime fan]

Me Too but the harder i will fight for it the less I will remember it it.

The more I've drank, the more I want it, the lower my standards.

[lifetime fan]

Thought it was on this thread I posted this story but obviously not.

 

Out in town and pull a filthy chav slag, back at her flat and as I'm giving her the good loving some brat starts crying in a cot next to the bed (I'd assumed it was empty).

 

It really put me off my stroke so I rolled off and was going to try and get some sleep.

 

"What the fuck you doing? Shag me from behind and I can rock the cot and keep her quiet".

 

Real classy bird.

[Bogman]

Did ya?

[Hand Shandy]

You've been on the site eight years Bogman - you really need to ask that question?

[Bogman]

Yeah, I know.

[lifetime fan]

Did ya?

Who me???

[General Dryness]

To be fair if you didn't know some of them may be worth a punt. it's the knowing bit I find strange.

I thought you meant the pre op ones, in which case the meat and two veg would be a bit of a giveaway.

 

Fair enough the post op ones would be a bit more difficult to spot.

[Atticus Finch]

Nah, sod that, another pint of Rudgate Ruby Mild and a packet of crisps, please.

Rudgate Ruby mild, a very nice award winning beer, brewed just up the road from me.

[Tony Moanero]

Rudgate Ruby mild, a very nice award winning beer, brewed just up the road from me.

Do you live in York, mate?

[Remmie]

Bump

[lifetime fan]

That reminds me of a bird I pulled when I first moved to Sydney as a younger man.

I was on the piss with a workmate one Friday night. Some serious drinking was being accomplished when somehow this bird joined us.The pub we were in closed so we ended up in a regular hotel. All their bars were closed so we sat in the foyer and ordered drinks from room service. The bird was looking good to me and my mate was after her too so we just kept drinking until he left. At that point she must have dragged me back to hers although I have no memory of the trip.

I woke up the next morning next to her in bed and Jesus Christ she was horrible in the cold unforgiving light of day. i decided to bolt but first I badly need a piss. I slipped my kecks on and wandered into the hallway looking for the bog. while I was searching I had a good scratch of my balls (as one does in the AM) and I mean a really good scratch...tackle out and sniffing my fingers while I wondered if I'd caught anything off her. So I was pretty surprised when her mum appeared. She didn't bat an eyelid, just showed me the bog. After I'd had my piss I had to go back to the bedroom and she was worse that I thought, really fat and blotchy and unhealthy looking. I must have shagged her but I have no memory of it thank God. Unfortunately she proceeded to suck me off and being young and full of jizz I turned her around (to avoid her fat pasty head) and quickly unloaded.The shame and horror remain with me to this day and I still have nightmare about it, waking in the middle of the night soaked in cold rank sweat.

They insisted I stay for a cooked breakfast so I was stuck with her parents while it cooked. Her parents were both as thick as fuck but the ensuing conversation sent chills of fear up my spine as they told me how happy they were that their daughter had finally met a nice young man at last. the way They were talking we were practically engaged in their eyes. I was fucking terrified. It got worse when I noticed all the sporting trophies. It appeared that she had three brothers, all rugby leagues players and from the pics the proud parents insisted on showing me, real neanderthal knuckle draggers. Neanderthal knuckle draggers who were apparenly (a) very protective of their little sister and (b)rather violent.

Eventually, after I forced the food down without gagging, I asked them to ring a cab for me to get home. They asked where I lived and when I told them the suburb (Vaucluse) they started laughing. Her dad then asked If I knew where I was, which of course I didn't. i should point out here that Vaucluse is one of the most expensive suburbs in Sydney. It's also 50km from Mt. Druitt, one of the roughest parts of Sydney. The cab will cost a fortune, I was told. "I don't care." I desperately replied, just wanting to escape the whole situation. They positively beamed, obviously assuming that I was not only their future son-in -law but rich to boot. i don't know how impressed they were when I vomited breakfast on the footpath just as the the cab arrived but I didn't care, I just fucked off quick smart as fast as I could. When I got home I found that I had just blown the best part of a weeks pay on an absolute monster.

Unfortunately, the nightmare didn't end there. She turned up the following week at my local and fuck me she was no better looking. She was all over me like a fucking rash in front of my mates who were pissing themselves at my embarrassment. So I slipped out for a leak and kept going out the back door. There was a house party on near my place so that's where I headed.

I was just getting into a much needed beer when guess who arrived, in the company of some of my "mates". There was nothing for it but to do the bolt again so it was out the back door and off to my place, all the while cursing the bird and my fucking "mates" who had ruined my Friday night out.

I found out the next day that one of my "mates" had bent her over the toilet bowl at the party and filled her in while a queue formed behind him. Half a dozen blokes did her that night and didn't even pause when she spewed in the bowl while one of the lads was fucking her.

I didn't dare return to my local for a month in case she turned up looking for me (which she did) and refused to answer the phone at work...one of my mates had given her my work number. Eventually she just fucked off but I was shattered for months afterwards, just terrified she would track me down.

I feel unclean just writing this. I'm going for a shower.

 

I miss Steve...

[TheHowieLama]

Thought this said Awkward Alan Sex/Dates

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

It was my birthday when we were on honeymoon, the lodge we are staying in had an outside bath and shower on the decking as well as a bar, designed for fun.

 

The day of my birthday and we start drinking at 5am before the morning safari drive.

 

For the rest of the day we're either drinking or fucking. We go for dinner that evening, loads more wine, champagne and port and she then takes me back for my 'birthday present'.

 

We're doing the really nasty stuff but I've drank so much I just can't cum. She's loving it for ages but is then getting narky with me for not being able to cum.

 

She uses a finger, starts sucking on my nipples, uses all the dirty talk and I'm still pounding away. Next she grabs the iPad and starts watching porn, telling me in great detail about these 2 slags doing each other with dildos - and I still can't come.

 

At this point she starts getting properly pissy with me for not coming and starts demanding I cum in her cunt, over her tits, face anywhere but she wants my seed.

 

At this point to try and shock me into coming she slaps me as hard as she can across my sun burnt face. Instinctively and without thinking I just reacted and caught her with a body shot Tyson would have been proud of.

 

She doubled over in floods of tears and I never did shoot my load.

that's always been your problem, though, you're just a counter-puncher

[Remmie]

Or maybe I was thinking of this thread...

[lifetime fan]

For a variety of reasons I haven’t put my real name on a dating site/app. 

 

Had a bit of a shock when a bird responded to me last night saying “hello Colin”. 

 

Turns out we used to work together but I didn’t recognise her at all - age has been far kinder to her than me and I know she has both nipples and her clit pierced. 

 

Meeting her for a drink Saturday. 

[Alan Sex]

21 minutes ago, lifetime fan said:

For a variety of reasons I haven’t put my real name on a dating site/app. 

 

Had a bit of a shock when a bird responded to me last night saying “hello Colin”. 

 

Turns out we used to work together but I didn’t recognise her at all - age has been far kinder to her than me and I know she has both nipples and her clit pierced. 

 

Meeting her for a drink Saturday. 

Make sure you give her a piercing stare. 

[sir roger]

Put a magnet in both pockets and she is definitely going home with you.

[Alan Sex]

14 minutes ago, sir roger said:

Put a magnet in both pockets and she is definitely going home with you.

That is so attractive. 

[VladimirIlyich]

15 hours ago, Alan Sex said:

That is so attractive. 

What if they are poles apart?

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, VladimirIlyich said:

What if they are poles apart?

At least they can play with the North and South.