Awkward sex / dates

[Curly]

Interestingly enough, a mate from this very internet site, and I pulled a mother/daughter combo out of Walkabout in Concert Square.  We got them back to mine, he had the fit rotter of a daughter with him, and I had the decent muck she called 'mum', anywho...   It was an effort in futility.

 

The mum and I immediately get into my room and lock the door... and to my dismay, my wingman couldn't control the daughter who only seemed to want beak.   The mum is telling me to ignore the noise, and fuck her, but the goddamn beakhead was banging on the door and shouting at all sorts.

We head back out of my apartment for a reason that I cannot remember (probably beak related), and the mum keeps saying she wants to go fuck, so I pull her around the corner, and she starts wanking me in my jeans -- The daughter comes and finds us and starts making all sorts of noise again.   Goddamn cockblock.

 

They sound like a realy nice family

[Bjornebye]

 I pulled some gothic/emo bird in the crazy house in Liverpool about 12 years ago. Too much black eyeliner and metal band vest top aside she was actually quite fit and very pretty. I like them edgy anyway. We get a taxi from town back to hers in Calderstones. Nice house and all that (as they are round there) and seen as we put the music on and had a few drinks in her kitchen being fairly loud I naturally assumed we had the place to ourselves. Anyway we end up in bed and she has one of them metal bed frames and the fucker was slamming against the wall all night. It was good, drunken, nasty sex. The kind where you finish and are off banging again within a minute. Anyway, wake up the next morning and she is sucking me off, I hear voices in the house. I ask who it was and she just said “Oh it’ll be me mum dad and sister getting up” Instantly I think fuck me, this ain’t good. I need to get out of here pronto. No way haven’t they heard us!

 

 Get downstairs and realise my wallet and money is on the kitchen side. She has already walked in and said her good mornings so I bite the bullet and walk in behind her. I kid you not, her dad was huge with a big beard and clearly a bit of a biker. “Morning mate whats your name?” Erm Damien… “Pull up a seat do you want a full breakfast?” Erm no thanks mate I better be getting off, thanks anyway. “Aah no worries mr polite, need a lift anywhere?” Nah honest I’ve got to get off. Anyway his daughter grabs my hand and walks me to the front door, I gave her a peck on the cheek and I was out of there quick as a flash. Went to the nearest shop to get a Lucozade and thought to myself shit, she was fucking boss her, bit of an odd family and no way didn’t he hear me giving his daughter the full summerslam all night/morning but I’d like to see her again. Could I fuck find her road, I hadn’t taken her number nor could I remember her name.  I’ve been looking for her ever since everytime I go back home. If anyone knows a fit gothic bird from calderstones then erm……. PM me? 

[Funkasy]

The one that got away. I feel for you bro. 

[Unrighteous]

I do remember after one evening ending up in some dodgy house in Warrington my mate drew the short straw so while I took this young lady to the bedroom to ruin her my mate ended up having to do a lot of hard work to get this other lady hot and ready for sexy love.  They started snogging at this little tiny table in the kitchen, and he ended up wrestling her to the ground and fumbling around with her in the dogs basket.  Once my 10 minutes of red hot love action were up, I left the girl gasping for breath and drowning in her own fluids, got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water and all I could see was a pair of knees and my mates arse between them going ten to the dozen, while a golden labrador rimmed him enthusiastically. 

 

Then he stole the dog, right?

[stringvest]

Then he stole the dog, right?

 

I think he was more sorry to leave the dog there than the girl

[milky]

 I pulled some gothic/emo bird in the crazy house in Liverpool about 12 years ago. Too much black eyeliner and metal band vest top aside she was actually quite fit and very pretty. I like them edgy anyway. We get a taxi from town back to hers in Calderstones. Nice house and all that (as they are round there) and seen as we put the music on and had a few drinks in her kitchen being fairly loud I naturally assumed we had the place to ourselves. Anyway we end up in bed and she has one of them metal bed frames and the fucker was slamming against the wall all night. It was good, drunken, nasty sex. The kind where you finish and are off banging again within a minute. Anyway, wake up the next morning and she is sucking me off, I hear voices in the house. I ask who it was and she just said “Oh it’ll be me mum dad and sister getting up” Instantly I think fuck me, this ain’t good. I need to get out of here pronto. No way haven’t they heard us!

 

 Get downstairs and realise my wallet and money is on the kitchen side. She has already walked in and said her good mornings so I bite the bullet and walk in behind her. I kid you not, her dad was huge with a big beard and clearly a bit of a biker. “Morning mate whats your name?” Erm Damien… “Pull up a seat do you want a full breakfast?” Erm no thanks mate I better be getting off, thanks anyway. “Aah no worries mr polite, need a lift anywhere?” Nah honest I’ve got to get off. Anyway his daughter grabs my hand and walks me to the front door, I gave her a peck on the cheek and I was out of there quick as a flash. Went to the nearest shop to get a Lucozade and thought to myself shit, she was fucking boss her, bit of an odd family and no way didn’t he hear me giving his daughter the full summerslam all night/morning but I’d like to see her again. Could I fuck find her road, I hadn’t taken her number nor could I remember her name.  I’ve been looking for her ever since everytime I go back home. If anyone knows a fit gothic bird from calderstones then erm……. PM me? 

 

She was a Goth 12 years ago. She's now a mid thirties, chartered accountant who enjoys an occasional spot of Laser Quest with three pints in her when feeling wild.*

 

*Pm sent.

[stevebaby]

That reminds me of a bird I pulled when I first moved to Sydney as a younger man.

I was on the piss with a workmate one Friday night. Some serious drinking was being accomplished when somehow this bird joined us.The pub we were in closed so we ended up in a regular hotel. All their bars were closed so we sat in the foyer and ordered drinks from room service. The bird was looking good to me and my mate was after her too so we just kept drinking until he left. At that point she must have dragged me back to hers although I have no memory of the trip.

I woke up the next morning next to her in bed and Jesus Christ she was horrible in the cold unforgiving light of day. i decided to bolt but first I badly need a piss. I slipped my kecks on and wandered into the hallway looking for the bog. while I was searching I had a good scratch of my balls (as one does in the AM) and I mean a really good scratch...tackle out and sniffing my fingers while I wondered if I'd caught anything off her. So I was pretty surprised when her mum appeared. She didn't bat an eyelid, just showed me the bog. After  I'd had my piss I had to go back to the bedroom and she was worse that I thought, really fat and blotchy and unhealthy looking. I must have shagged her but I have no memory of it thank God. Unfortunately she proceeded to suck me off and being young and full of jizz I turned her around (to avoid her fat pasty head) and quickly unloaded.The shame and horror remain with me to this day and I still have nightmare about it, waking in the middle of the night soaked in cold rank sweat.

They insisted I stay for a cooked breakfast so I was stuck with her parents while it cooked. Her parents were both as thick as fuck but the ensuing conversation sent chills of fear up my spine as they told me how happy they were that their daughter had finally met a nice young man at last. the way They were talking we were practically engaged in their eyes. I was fucking terrified. It got worse when I noticed all the sporting trophies. It appeared that she had three brothers, all rugby leagues players and from the pics the proud parents insisted on showing me, real neanderthal knuckle draggers. Neanderthal knuckle draggers who were apparenly (a) very protective of their little sister and (b)rather violent.

Eventually, after I forced the food down without gagging, I asked them to ring a cab for me to get home. They asked where I lived and when I told them the suburb (Vaucluse) they started laughing. Her dad then asked If I knew where I was, which of course I didn't. i should point out here that Vaucluse is one of the most expensive suburbs in Sydney. It's also 50km from Mt. Druitt, one of the roughest parts of Sydney. The cab will cost a fortune, I was told. "I don't care." I desperately replied, just wanting to escape the whole situation. They positively beamed, obviously assuming that I was not only their future son-in -law but rich to boot. i don't know how impressed they were when I vomited breakfast on the footpath just as the the cab arrived but I didn't care, I just fucked off quick smart as fast as I could. When I got home I found that I had just blown the best part of a weeks pay on an absolute monster.

Unfortunately, the nightmare didn't end there. She turned up the following week at my local and fuck me she was no better looking. She was all over me like a fucking rash in front of my mates who were pissing themselves at my embarrassment. So I slipped out for a leak and kept going out the back door. There was a house party on near my place so that's where I headed.

I was just getting into a much needed beer when guess who arrived, in the company of some of my "mates". There was nothing for it but to do the bolt again so it was out the back door and off to my place, all the while cursing the bird and my fucking "mates" who had ruined my Friday night out.

I found out the next day that one of my "mates" had bent her over the toilet bowl at the party and filled her in while a queue formed behind him. Half a dozen blokes did her that night and didn't even pause when she spewed in the bowl while one of the lads was fucking her.

I didn't dare return to my local for a month in case she turned up looking for me (which she did) and refused to answer the phone at work...one of my mates had given her my work number. Eventually she just fucked off but I was shattered for months afterwards, just terrified she would track me down.

I feel unclean just writing this. I'm going for a shower.

[Unrighteous]

Holy lords above... 

[Dr Nowt]

Steve gets called on the Australian version of Surprise Surprise...

 

"And now Steve, after all these years, your one true sweetheart has tracked you down. Don't worry, we've reinforced the stage..."

 

[stevebaby]

Steve gets called on the Australian version of Surprise Surprise...

 

"And now Steve, after all these years, your one true sweetheart has tracked you down. Don't worry, we've reinforced the stage..."

 

I'm just going to pop down to the railway station to lay my neck on the track for a bit.

I may be some time.

[Curly]

She was a Goth 12 years ago. She's now a mid thirties, chartered accountant who enjoys an occasional spot of Laser Quest with three pints in her when feeling wild.*

 

*Pm sent.

How is your wife by the way?

[Dr Nowt]

How is your wife by the way?

 

Tainted.  Forever.

[Bjornebye]

How is your wife by the way?

 

still looking for me 

[milky]

How is your wife by the way?

 

Horrific. Still can't listen to Green Day.

 

Father in law does a mean brekkie though, you'd swear he'd made thousands of them.

[RJ Fan club]

I went out one night in a Brighton, got bladdered. We were running from the Lanes to a club off The Steine I went down on the cobbles and twisted an ankle. Don't really remember getting home but woke up with a huge bag of dry roasted and a massively sore and swollen ankle.

 

 

My flat mate at the time drove me down to the hospital. While waiting to be x-rayed I got talking to some bird who told me she was into swinging and she desperately wanted to fuck me. As I was out of action in a wheelchair at the time I took her number.

 

She proceeded to finger herself in front of me and rubbed my cock in the waiting room. Anyway, after getting hotter she wheeled me into the disabled bogs and blew me and straddled me.

 

We sat off in the waiting room and she was already wanting to arrange swinging dates etc.

 

I get wheeled off to the X-ray machine say my goodbyes hoping to meet up. When I get back she's gone and I spent 15 minutes waiting to see a doctor with my X-ray.

 

I got called to the cubicle and the quack says I was okay etc. Then as we're chatting about treatment I could hear the bird in the next cubicle describing her ailments in graphic detail including she hadn't shit in two or three weeks and other pretty gross sounding illness.

 

I couldn't face it again tbh. Just never called her, went home and scrubbed.

[dickie mint]

I went out one night in a Brighton, got bladdered. We were running from the Lanes to a club off The Steine I went down on the cobbles and twisted an ankle. Don't really remember getting home but woke up with a huge bag of dry roasted and a massively sore and swollen ankle.

My flat mate at the time drove me down to the hospital. While waiting to be x-rayed I got talking to some bird who told me she was into swinging and she desperately wanted to fuck me. As I was out of action in a wheelchair at the time I took her number.

She proceeded to finger herself in front of me and rubbed my cock in the waiting room. Anyway, after getting hotter she wheeled me into the disabled bogs and blew me and straddled me.

We sat off in the waiting room and she was already wanting to arrange swinging dates etc.

I get wheeled off to the X-ray machine say my goodbyes hoping to meet up. When I get back she's gone and I spent 15 minutes waiting to see a doctor with my X-ray.

I got called to the cubicle and the quack says I was okay etc. Then as we're chatting about treatment I could hear the bird in the next cubicle describing her ailments in graphic detail including she hadn't shit in two or three weeks and other pretty gross sounding illness.

I couldn't face it again tbh. Just never called her, went home and scrubbed.

You're not Jim Dale by the way and it was Barbara Windsor

[RJ Fan club]

Went out with work one night, towards the end pf the night me and another lad were left. He suggested a club he knows, reckons loads of attainable women.

 

So we went. Got on there, he wasn't wrong. Loads of easy pulls. We had a few beers and a few chats with some girls etc.

 

He was chatting up some bird who looked well game so I got chatting to another girl at the bar. I bought this girl a few drinks and she went over to see her mum who was in the club. While she fucks off and leaves me with her ma.

 

While away at the big the mum then tells me shes a tease and I should just take her home and fuck her instead. She then hitches up her skirt to reveal the full rat, no knickers.

 

We both left fairly sharply and headed down the beach where we huddled down on the shingle and started fucking. She was tremendous body wise for her age and wapped her tits out over the low cut top and kept her pull up stockings on. Finished off and then headed back to mine for round two.

 

Got back had a few more drinks, played around and headed to bed. Spent the next few hours going at it on and off.

 

In the morning, realised she was a bit of a munter in the face. Offered her a cuppa and a cab. Then she got arsey. Asking me if I knew her name, which I didn't, and still don't. Asked me if I wanted to fuck her daughter more.

 

Then she broke down in proper whaling tears and started throwing stuff around the flat. I had to bundle her out the flat. She carried on shouting and told the neighbours on my landing I was a selfish cunt and his knows what else. She only left when one of them threaten the police.

[Dr Nowt]

I went out one night in a Brighton, got bladdered. We were running from the Lanes to a club off The Steine I went down on the cobbles and twisted an ankle. Don't really remember getting home but woke up with a huge bag of dry roasted and a massively sore and swollen ankle.

 

 

My flat mate at the time drove me down to the hospital. While waiting to be x-rayed I got talking to some bird who told me she was into swinging and she desperately wanted to fuck me. As I was out of action in a wheelchair at the time I took her number.

 

She proceeded to finger herself in front of me and rubbed my cock in the waiting room. Anyway, after getting hotter she wheeled me into the disabled bogs and blew me and straddled me.

 

We sat off in the waiting room and she was already wanting to arrange swinging dates etc.

 

I get wheeled off to the X-ray machine say my goodbyes hoping to meet up. When I get back she's gone and I spent 15 minutes waiting to see a doctor with my X-ray.

 

I got called to the cubicle and the quack says I was okay etc. Then as we're chatting about treatment I could hear the bird in the next cubicle describing her ailments in graphic detail including she hadn't shit in two or three weeks and other pretty gross sounding illness.

 

I couldn't face it again tbh. Just never called her, went home and scrubbed.

 

Come off it RJ, you waited for your doctor to leave the room and then cracked one off to her talking about her septic anus.

[johnsusername]

This is a bit tame compared to some of the tales here.

 

13 years ago went to Brussels on a jolly. Flew in on the friday, dropped our stuff off at the hostel (not hotel) and went straight out. We'd been drinking from about 11am (including high powered belgian ale). In some bar that night, ended up talking to this algerian girl (white, like french algerian? she was a translator at the european parliament) and went to hers at about 3am. The inevitable happened, straight to her bedroom, hows your father. At this point i've been awake and boozing for about 20 hours. She's giving me a BJ and next thing I know she's looking at me asking if I just fell asleep. I had, no idea how long for, but told her I'd just closed my eyes and to carry on, which she did (what a super trooper!)

 

Afterwards, got a few hours sleep. Woke up - had no idea where I was, and the only thing i knew about the hostel was the name of a metro station nearby. So got a taxi and told the driver, but when we got there I still didn't know where I was. Ended up walking through Brussel's equivalent of Lodge Lane. I was the only white person, wandering around in smart shiny shoes, armani jeans and a paul smith t shirt with a big British Isles logo on, still pissed, dead tired and getting weird looks off the locals.

 

I eventually found the hostel. My mates had gone out and I managed to convince the owner to let me into the room even though he'd never seen me before. Got a couple of hours kip, got up and ended up going to Heysel on my own (in the year 2001 I hadn't thought of bringing my mobile phone on holiday), which was sobering.

 

Seen the girl again on the saturday night at the same bar, did a bit of fooling around outside but nothing major. She ends up sending me postcards (to my house where I still lived with my mum and dad) and ringing me. We had a couple of phone sex sessions but that was it. Weirdly, she must have had some BBC service cos I remember watching some sex scene on telly and she asked me if I was watching the same one as her. 

[Nasty Lizard]

And that was just the one for her jacksie.

 

During my younger years I was also occasionally partial to using tools of the trade.

In the back of my MK2 Escort I recall fingering some dirt bag. 1, 2, 3, 4. thumb , hand.

I reached into the floor well and produced a length of 40 mm scaffold pole. 

She recoiled in horror and said 'you are not putting that up me..."

Although only a few minutes later she was moaning like fuck and calling me a fucking dirty bastard, whilst I was sliding it back and forth.

How did I change her mind? I put a butty-bag on the end of it for her..I know how to treat a lady.

 

Second favourite (different girl) was the crook-lock, which rather than having a smooth profile had what I can only describe as a bike handlebar grip on the end. The ladies seemed to love it. It was so popular it had a tide mark on it like a well used bath.

The end is actually not to dissimilar to tools you can know purchase from Ann Summers,. Although the latter models can't in away protect against theft of your vehicle

[manwiththestick]

During my younger years I was also occasionally partial to using tools of the trade.

In the back of my MK2 Escort I recall fingering some dirt bag. 1, 2, 3, 4. thumb , hand.

I reached into the floor well and produced a length of 40 mm scaffold pole.

She recoiled in horror and said 'you are not putting that up me..."

Although only a few minutes later she was moaning like fuck and calling me a fucking dirty bastard, whilst I was sliding it back and forth.

How did I change her mind? I put a butty-bag on the end of it for her..I know how to treat a lady.

 

Second favourite (different girl) was the crook-lock, which rather than having a smooth profile had what I can only describe as a bike handlebar grip on the end. The ladies seemed to love it. It was so popular it had a tide mark on it like a well used bath.

The end is actually not to dissimilar to tools you can know purchase from Ann Summers,. Although the latter models can't in away protect against theft of your vehicle

Quite possibly two of the grubbiest tales I have seen on here, well done sir.

[stringvest]

Quite possibly two of the grubbiest tales I have seen on here, well done sir.

 

just wait till he tells you about the time he used WD40 as anal lube.

[RJ Fan club]

just wait till he tells you about the time he used WD40 as anal lube.

Fuck knows what he'd do with tub of Swarfega?

[stringvest]

Fuck knows what he'd do with tub of Swarfega?

 

I think the answer's in the question

[Dr Nowt]

During my younger years I was also occasionally partial to using tools of the trade.

In the back of my MK2 Escort I recall fingering some dirt bag. 1, 2, 3, 4. thumb , hand.

I reached into the floor well and produced a length of 40 mm scaffold pole. 

She recoiled in horror and said 'you are not putting that up me..."

Although only a few minutes later she was moaning like fuck and calling me a fucking dirty bastard, whilst I was sliding it back and forth.

How did I change her mind? I put a butty-bag on the end of it for her..I know how to treat a lady.

 

Second favourite (different girl) was the crook-lock, which rather than having a smooth profile had what I can only describe as a bike handlebar grip on the end. The ladies seemed to love it. It was so popular it had a tide mark on it like a well used bath.

The end is actually not to dissimilar to tools you can know purchase from Ann Summers,. Although the latter models can't in away protect against theft of your vehicle

 

If my missus ever comes home pissing engine oil out of her balloon knot I'll be offering Dave money for your personal details NL.