Corporate bellendary at work.

[Guest]

We have a reach out department I shit you not.

Do you work in a church?

[Guest]

Got our work Christmas drinks tonight at the Oust House in Manchester. Free bar etc but they have hired a big tepee. Now I'm sure its not gong to be freezing but its Baltic outside why not just hire a bar/function room?

 

Anyway the main crux of my issue is some bitch of a head of department who is based in a different office is up for it and she has spent the day just lording it round the office and generally being rude to people. Now she is all loud and smiley and it is completely fake. Why do these idiots change language when in work? cliché after cliché after cliché. I hope she gets hit by a tram and then volleyed right in the miff.

This is all why I had to give up corporate working as it's all political bullshit with the managers thinking they are responsible for the way that staff feel and in turn they get the plaudits.

 

Don't miss it one fucking bit.

[PestiRed]

Got our work Christmas drinks tonight at the Oust House in Manchester. Free bar etc but they have hired a big tepee. Now I'm sure its not gong to be freezing but its Baltic outside why not just hire a bar/function room?

 

Anyway the main crux of my issue is some bitch of a head of department who is based in a different office is up for it and she has spent the day just lording it round the office and generally being rude to people. Now she is all loud and smiley and it is completely fake. Why do these idiots change language when in work? cliché after cliché after cliché. I hope she gets hit by a tram and then volleyed right in the miff.

Any senior manager that turns up at the staff Christmas party and does anything other than stay for the first hour or so to buy a few rounds or pay for the food is a complete cunt

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Got our work Christmas drinks tonight at the Oust House in Manchester. Free bar etc but they have hired a big tepee. Now I'm sure its not gong to be freezing but its Baltic outside why not just hire a bar/function room?

 

Anyway the main crux of my issue is some bitch of a head of department who is based in a different office is up for it and she has spent the day just lording it round the office and generally being rude to people. Now she is all loud and smiley and it is completely fake. Why do these idiots change language when in work? cliché after cliché after cliché. I hope she gets hit by a tram and then volleyed right in the miff.

 

Stig on his works piss up

 

[Guest]

Any senior manager that turns up at the staff Christmas party and does anything other than stay for the first hour or so to buy a few rounds or pay for the food is a complete cunt

PestiRed knows.

[Rico1304]

I was at our HQ on Wednesday meeting one of our Suppliers. As he arrived took him into the canteen to get him a coffee. Wasn’t allowed to buy a coffee as there were no lids for the cups. Our combined age is over 100, he runs a multimillion £ business employing thousands of people all over the world but we aren’t trusted to carry a cup.

[Paulie Dangerously]

My Boss give me a card with £20 in.  He's not all bad. 

[Anubis]

Got our work Christmas drinks tonight at the Oust House in Manchester. Free bar etc but they have hired a big tepee. Now I'm sure its not gong to be freezing but its Baltic outside why not just hire a bar/function room?

 

Anyway the main crux of my issue is some bitch of a head of department who is based in a different office is up for it and she has spent the day just lording it round the office and generally being rude to people. Now she is all loud and smiley and it is completely fake. Why do these idiots change language when in work? cliché after cliché after cliché. I hope she gets hit by a tram and then volleyed right in the miff.

 

 

Is Stig on the run?

 

 

 

 

[JagSquared]

My boss loves the old corporate jargon and nonsense quotes and sayings. As a result our meetings are a borefest and waste of time and staff just shut down. However last Friday afternoon a colleague and I decided to play Office Jargon Bingo and tried to outdo each other by throwing in stupid stuff like "run it up the flagpole and see who shoots" and "800 pound Gorilla" and "cherrypicking" etc etc...nonsense like that.

 

It was great fun and we were whatsapping back and forth taking the piss and keeping score. I was easily winning but we had a winner takes all phrase which was..."This will really inform our onward journey" which she snaked in right at the end. Game over.

 

The boss and others in the meeting were completely oblivious while we were pissing ourselves. I would highly recommend it to make meetings more bearable. Funny thing is it was for the first time in a long time a hugely productive meeting maybe because I was in good form because of the game.

You fucked her yet?

[PestiRed]

One more person says strategic when it’s tactical or strategy when they mean plan and I’m going to kill them

[PestiRed]

I’m also going to tattoo the correct definition of dynamic on the forehead of the next person who says it to me

[Ginny]

It’s all about agile and MVP in our place these days.

[Rico1304]

NPV?

[Ginny]

NPV?

MVP - minimal viable product

[PestiRed]

Eric Ries has a fair bit to answer for

[Pureblood]

One more person says strategic when it’s tactical or strategy when they mean plan and I’m going to kill them

 

Have you strategised your murder method yet?

[Rico1304]

MVP - minimal viable product

I see, our current buzz phrase is net present value.

[Ginny]

Was in an all day meeting today and there was a lot of usage of the phase “in my simple head”

[Rico1304]

Was in an all day meeting today and there was a lot of usage of the phase “in my simple head”

I say that a lot. Along with ‘this may be a stupid question...’ you’d be amazed at how many times more than half the people in the room don’t know the answer.

[Bob]

Just had an email from my ex...

 

you'll like this...

 

I went to a meeting today where the person leading it didn't take minutes, but instead "drew the scene" (as in actually drew with a pencil) to depict the 'feeling' and 'flow' of the meeting.

 

What.

[PestiRed]

Why would the person leading take minutes? That’s the job of the guy who doesn’t talk and is only there to have respite from the other crap in his day. And now you have an excuse to give that role to the artsy fartsy waste of space from marketing who can draw the meeting in emojis

[Rico1304]

I have a team of one person, she does a great job and always does well in her reviews. Problem is she was promoted to the role and started at the bottom of the grade. Other people doing a comparable job (but not as well) are paid a lot more than her. I’ve tried to get her more money but HR are having none of it.

 

She’s now applied for another job and was interviewed yesterday. If she gets it I’ll have to recruit for the role (costing a few grand) and if I want someone who’s decent they are likely to be on more than she is already, will want a rise for moving roles and be almost useless for 6-9 months whilst they learn the ropes. Everyone I speak to acknowledges this, but won’t do anything about it. Madness

This is still rumbling on but I may have sorted it. My boss has been talking to HR who’ve advised him to speak to the Director who has to get approval from our MD.

 

A man who is responsible for a budget of up to able a billion quid, with 14k staff needs to ok a £5k pay rise.

[lifetime fan]

This is still rumbling on but I may have sorted it. My boss has been talking to HR who’ve advised him to speak to the Director who has to get approval from our MD.

 

A man who is responsible for a budget of up to able a billion quid, with 14k staff needs to ok a £5k pay rise.

And a £10k payrise for you.

[Rico1304]

And a £10k payrise for you.

Let’s hope he doesn’t read the small print!

[Rico1304]

We have a bonus system, at the end of the year you are rated as either below expectations, achieving, exceeding or outstanding. Your boss rates you, that’s then rolled up per department and measured a curve to calibrate. That was all done in December.

 

Today we get a note from the CEO saying the curve has changed and 5% of people must be in ‘below’. So people who were previously told they were ok are now not getting a bonus.

 

Before you celebrate these are the engineers, people on the phones and team leaders. It’s a disgrace.