Corporate bellendary at work.

[Hand Shandy]

Just been informed that in our new building hot drinks will not be allowed in the office. Instead of being adults and one person going to make 4 x cups of tea for the office we're going to have to go in 5 minute intervals to the canteen.

 

Talk about over complicating matters. I can understand the logic. It's a brand new building costing a lot of money and they want to keep it nice and new looking but ultimately it's a place of work, not a show home.

 

A perfect example of how not to manage a workforce, most of whom are already facing a longer commute to accommodate this move.

The theory being that they'll be spilt on the new carpets/flooring?

 

Everyone should just take it in turns to pour a cup of water on the floor until they see sense.

[Paulie Dangerously]

The theory being that they'll be spilt on the new carpets/flooring?

 

Everyone should just take it in turns to pour a cup of water on the floor until they see sense.

 

I think this is the theory.

 

However it's like a new phone, the second you get the first scratch on it then it's done.  Over.  It's in the same pocket as your coins.  So as soon as Michael J Fox in the HR Dept drops his pot noodle then it'll relax I'm sure

[A Red]

I've said it before and i'll say it again. Reaching out...... "reach out to him....." "try reaching out to them..." "i'm reaching out to you today..." Fuck off

 

15 years ago no-one said this fucking smarmy americanism, now you see it written and hear it spoken all the time. I'm no longer in the corporate world but the Mrs is, and working for an american company, its used constantly.

 

The other one is leverage, pronounced leatherage. I used to say lever age just to fuck off the silly twats who were blurting out this nonsense.

 

And breathe

[Jose Jones]

Just been informed that in our new building hot drinks will not be allowed in the office. Instead of being adults and one person going to make 4 x cups of tea for the office we're going to have to go in 5 minute intervals to the canteen.

 

Talk about over complicating matters. I can understand the logic. It's a brand new building costing a lot of money and they want to keep it nice and new looking but ultimately it's a place of work, not a show home.

 

A perfect example of how not to manage a workforce, most of whom are already facing a longer commute to accommodate this move.

Sounds great to me. Few minutes for the kettle to boil, few minutes for the tea to steep. 15 minutes or so to sip it with a couple of biscuits.

3 or 4 cups of tea a day, should be a nice relaxing day of following the rules.

[littletedwest]

I've said it before and i'll say it again. Reaching out...... "reach out to him....." "try reaching out to them..." "i'm reaching out to you today..." Fuck off

 

15 years ago no-one said this fucking smarmy americanism, now you see it written and hear it spoken all the time. I'm no longer in the corporate world but the Mrs is, and working for an american company, its used constantly.

 

The other one is leverage, pronounced leatherage. I used to say lever age just to fuck off the silly twats who were blurting out this nonsense.

 

And breathe

Don't mind reach out purely because it's used a few times in the sopranos

[Mook]

The 'reaching out' one out does my fucking head in too.

 

'Ooh, everybody else has started saying something at work so I'll have to copy the brain dead cunts.'.

 

I steadfastly refuse to use, 'reach out', 'going forward', 'essentially' & 'narrative' in anything that I say or write.

 

'Strawman' can fuck off as well.

 

Oh & people who use the word 'key' wrongly, 'It's key that we get this sorted this week.' doesn't make any sense you massive fud.

[Scott_M]

Arranging meetings over diner.

 

Fuck off.

[lifetime fan]

We have a reach out department I shit you not.

[lifetime fan]

We've just had a finger print scanner installed so people can't click in and out for each other.

After spending over £15k installing the hardware across various sites and £6k for the software for the year the CEO has now decided to not renew the contract from April as the system doesn’t actually do what HR wanted from it.

 

So they spent over £20k just pissing off staff and lowering morale.

[A Red]

We have a reach out department I shit you not.

You should call it the Four Tops dept

[lifetime fan]

You should call it the Four Tops dept

 

Every other health & social care provider refers to it as outreach, but our CEO thought he was being a clever cunt and wanted to call it reach out.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Big bosses cave under the weight of people mildly complaining and have arranged for travel mugs to be provided to allow people to have drinks at their desks 

[Rico1304]

I have a team of one person, she does a great job and always does well in her reviews. Problem is she was promoted to the role and started at the bottom of the grade. Other people doing a comparable job (but not as well) are paid a lot more than her. I’ve tried to get her more money but HR are having none of it.

 

She’s now applied for another job and was interviewed yesterday. If she gets it I’ll have to recruit for the role (costing a few grand) and if I want someone who’s decent they are likely to be on more than she is already, will want a rise for moving roles and be almost useless for 6-9 months whilst they learn the ropes. Everyone I speak to acknowledges this, but won’t do anything about it. Madness

[PestiRed]

I have a team of one person, she does a great job and always does well in her reviews. Problem is she was promoted to the role and started at the bottom of the grade. Other people doing a comparable job (but not as well) are paid a lot more than her. I’ve tried to get her more money but HR are having none of it.

She’s now applied for another job and was interviewed yesterday. If she gets it I’ll have to recruit for the role (costing a few grand) and if I want someone who’s decent they are likely to be on more than she is already, will want a rise for moving roles and be almost useless for 6-9 months whilst they learn the ropes. Everyone I speak to acknowledges this, but won’t do anything about it. Madness

This stuff drives me insane. My boss put it right, HR are an enablement function - if they don’t enable you to provide a better service then they are pointless and need replacing. Funnily enough, none of the original HR people that were in each region when I started building out services are still in place. The new ones seem to arrive with a much better attitude

[Paulie Dangerously]

I have a team of one person, she does a great job and always does well in her reviews. Problem is she was promoted to the role and started at the bottom of the grade. Other people doing a comparable job (but not as well) are paid a lot more than her. I’ve tried to get her more money but HR are having none of it.

 

She’s now applied for another job and was interviewed yesterday. If she gets it I’ll have to recruit for the role (costing a few grand) and if I want someone who’s decent they are likely to be on more than she is already, will want a rise for moving roles and be almost useless for 6-9 months whilst they learn the ropes. Everyone I speak to acknowledges this, but won’t do anything about it. Madness

 

Fucking infuriating when "the grade scale" can't be overridden. 

[Rico1304]

Fucking infuriating when "the grade scale" can't be overridden.

 

She’s just phoned in sick - fuck her!

 

Only joking, she’s such a great worker and that’s going to be recognised by another department by giving her the pay rise she deserves in our team.

[tokyojoe]

THere was a book written by the bloke who turned around Hertz Car Hire (or it may have been Avis, forget). When it came to the chapter on HR (or personel department) it just said 'fire this department'.

[Rico1304]

THere was a book written by the bloke who turned around Hertz Car Hire (or it may have been Avis, forget). When it came to the chapter on HR (or personel department) it just said 'fire this department'.

Correct.

 

I worked on a consultation last year and they were scary.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Comedy here.  We're moving offices and will be in our new place on monday.  The following has today come to light

 

• No-one has organised a letter/email shot to customers to let them know we're moving
• No-one has arranged the royal mail to redirect our post (meant to be 3 weeks in advance)
• No-one has advised our courier who do daily pick ups that we're moving
• No-one has updated the website to mention that we are moving
• No-one has been telling the customers who buy via the show room that we are moving

Basically despite 18 months worth of meetings about what colour the carpet needed to be, whether or not we should have a smoking area and if staff can have hot drinks on their desks no-one has taken any responsibility for anything that actually matters. 

[Rico1304]

Comedy here.  We're moving offices and will be in our new place on monday.  The following has today come to light

 

 

• No-one has organised a letter/email shot to customers to let them know we're moving
• No-one has arranged the royal mail to redirect our post (meant to be 3 weeks in advance)
• No-one has advised our courier who do daily pick ups that we're moving
• No-one has updated the website to mention that we are moving
• No-one has been telling the customers who buy via the show room that we are moving

Basically despite 18 months worth of meetings about what colour the carpet needed to be, whether or not we should have a smoking area and if staff can have hot drinks on their desks no-one has taken any responsibility for anything that actually matters.

That’s spectacular!

 

A few years ago we were planning trialing a new gas product and were several weeks into the project before anyone checked if there was mains gas in the trial area (have I mentioned that before?)

[Anny Road]

Comedy here.  We're moving offices and will be in our new place on monday.  The following has today come to light

 

 

• No-one has organised a letter/email shot to customers to let them know we're moving
• No-one has arranged the royal mail to redirect our post (meant to be 3 weeks in advance)
• No-one has advised our courier who do daily pick ups that we're moving
• No-one has updated the website to mention that we are moving
• No-one has been telling the customers who buy via the show room that we are moving

Basically despite 18 months worth of meetings about what colour the carpet needed to be, whether or not we should have a smoking area and if staff can have hot drinks on their desks no-one has taken any responsibility for anything that actually matters.

Your office is not run by David Davis is it?

[Paulie Dangerously]

That’s spectacular!

 

A few years ago we were planning trialing a new gas product and were several weeks into the project before anyone checked if there was mains gas in the trial area (have I mentioned that before?)

 

It's going to be glorious to watch

 

Your office is not run by David Davis is it?

 

What office?  I never said there was an office 

[Paulie Dangerously]

Not one Item of post has been sent since 11th December because firstly no-one knew where the franking machine was after the move and now it's been located no-one is willing to make a decision on who's job it is since they sacked the sexy office junior. 

[Bjornebye]

Got our work Christmas drinks tonight at the Oust House in Manchester. Free bar etc but they have hired a big tepee. Now I'm sure its not gong to be freezing but its Baltic outside why not just hire a bar/function room?

 

Anyway the main crux of my issue is some bitch of a head of department who is based in a different office is up for it and she has spent the day just lording it round the office and generally being rude to people. Now she is all loud and smiley and it is completely fake. Why do these idiots change language when in work? cliché after cliché after cliché. I hope she gets hit by a tram and then volleyed right in the miff.

[dockers_strike]

Makes me so glad I am retired from the docks now. We just used to get a few lads together and go for a piss up after our shift.