Corporate bellendary at work.

[JagSquared]

2 hours ago, Section_31 said:

Funny looking at job ads these days, rarely if ever state a wage, but instead say stuff like "cycle to work scheme", fucking wow. Even better is "bank holidays off". Wow, Bank Holidays off. My cup runneth over. In concert with that and the pension that'll pay me about 13 quid a month, we just might have a deal.

This really pisses me off, literally all anyone wants to know is if the job is in the ball park of what they need to be paid in order to take it on. 
 

I’m a contractor and have recruitment agents rings me from time to time. the first question I always ask is “what is the pay”. If it’s too low then it ends the conversation but recently I’ve heard a lot of “it’s dependent on experience” and it’s a great company to work for... great but what will they pay me? I had one drag it out only to state that the top end of the pay was 1/2 of what I currently make and then acted all surprised when I wasn’t interested.

 

it should be a requirement to list the salary range as it helps you see if it’s the right level and avoids them having to sift through loads of unnecessary CVs.

[Remmie]

1 minute ago, JagSquared said:

This really pisses me off, literally all anyone wants to know is if the job is in the ball park of what they need to be paid in order to take it on. 
 

I’m a contractor and have recruitment agents rings me from time to time. the first question I always ask is “what is the pay”. If it’s too low then it ends the conversation but recently I’ve heard a lot of “it’s dependent on experience” and it’s a great company to work for... great but what will they pay me? I had one drag it out only to state that the top end of the pay was 1/2 of what I currently make and then acted all surprised when I wasn’t interested.

 

it should be a requirement to list the salary range as it helps you see if it’s the right level and avoids them having to sift through loads of unnecessary CVs.

Doesn't suit recruitment consultants though, they usually get paid by the applicant, they don't give 2 shits whether you turn down the job after you applied. 

 

Weirdly when I was last looking I also found the opposite problem where I was getting contacted for jobs I was clearly not qualified for. I'd tell the recruitment consultant and they would try to butter my arse. Therefore it's the same theory, can always blame the applicant for turd polishing their CV. 

[Remmie]

I don't get it when places like my work place don't state salary even if advertising on their own website, we put that 'competitive' cop out. Thing is we pay London salaries so that should attract more applicants. There must be a reason for it but I don't know what it is. 

[A Red]

3 minutes ago, Remmie said:

I don't get it when places like my work place don't state salary even if advertising on their own website, we put that 'competitive' cop out. Thing is we pay London salaries so that should attract more applicants. There must be a reason for it but I don't know what it is. 

Because somebody doing the same job already might see it and realise someone new is being offered more pay. Most companies I've worked for have had people with the same job title but different salaries.

[Section_31]

22 minutes ago, JagSquared said:

This really pisses me off, literally all anyone wants to know is if the job is in the ball park of what they need to be paid in order to take it on. 
 

I’m a contractor and have recruitment agents rings me from time to time. the first question I always ask is “what is the pay”. If it’s too low then it ends the conversation but recently I’ve heard a lot of “it’s dependent on experience” and it’s a great company to work for... great but what will they pay me? I had one drag it out only to state that the top end of the pay was 1/2 of what I currently make and then acted all surprised when I wasn’t interested.

 

it should be a requirement to list the salary range as it helps you see if it’s the right level and avoids them having to sift through loads of unnecessary CVs.

 

Yeah me mate works in IT and a consultant rang him with an offer from another company. He was happy where he was but said it was a huge pay rise, so attended the virtual interview and got the job, but then offered him a lower wage. He asked them what the fuck, but they basically said they'd lowered it because they felt they could get away with it, so he told them to get fucked.

[VladimirIlyich]

On 25/06/2020 at 17:22, Strontium Dog™ said:

Email came from our comms department today suggesting that we should include our preferred pronouns in our Outlook signatures.

 

Strongly considering requesting I be referred to as "His Serene Majesty" in mine.

Rico seems quite up on this type of thing.

[Rico1304]

1 hour ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Rico seems quite up on this type of thing.

I think anyone seeing my name, knowing I’m a balding 48 yr old bloke should have a good idea. 
 

Although when people inevitably start taking the piss and claiming discrimination because someone forgot to call them ze/zer I suspect it’ll stop. 

[General Dryness]

5 hours ago, Section_31 said:

Funny looking at job ads these days, rarely if ever state a wage, but instead say stuff like "cycle to work scheme", fucking wow. Even better is "bank holidays off". Wow, Bank Holidays off. My cup runneth over. In concert with that and the pension that'll pay me about 13 quid a month, we just might have a deal.

We're inching closer to actual slavery. It might take another 100 years to get there, but it's in the post.

[suzy]

I’ve been working from home for nearly a year now. I have my actual PC from work which I took home with me including two monitors.

I do admin for the NHS, bloody hell the IT is shit. Tried to logon this morning and found they’d changed the way we log in, surprise surprise I couldn’t get in.

 

Phoned my manager to give her the heads up and that I would be phoning IT and likely starting a bit late. She had the impression this new sign on  was for people working on laptops not PC’s.

 

In the end I got in an hour late, I had to download an authentication app and then scan a PR code!! I couldn’t believe it! What if I didn’t have a smart phone?! My two colleagues who also work from home and were starting an hour and an hour and a half later than me - both took an hour to get on! What a bloody joke, can’t wait til tomorrow as looks like we have to type in this ‘one time passcode’ every day - argh!!
 

[Mook]

'Work smarter' is my new pet hate.

 

Our work have taken on a huge new client so we're on 240% of the amount of work we had a year ago & they've added one extra person to the team so at the moment, we are completely overwhelmed with work. The team project manager decided to use our meeting this morning to have a pop at us plebs & tell us we need to 'work smarter'. Unfortunately this doesn't actually doesn't mean anything other than some nice sounding corporate bullshit. He mentioned it about 10 times during the call as well.

 

I didn't bother pointing out that I've done 32hrs of overtime in the last month & while this fat cunt has done fuck all. That could well be coming though.

[littletedwest]

"Do more with less"

Course mate. Put 20 quid petrol in, doesn't last as long funnily enough 

[littletedwest]

I did an interview with o2 for an assistant manager job. Having experience I know that sometimes "head office " force you to advertise a job when you already know who's getting the job and they're internal

Didn't get the job and I did a very good interview (done good  done bad) asked for feedback. Apparently I didn't use the STAR method (I did for every question) and yellow was distracting on my PowerPoint presentation. 

Should give management the chance to hire who they want rather than opening it up rather than fob people off and waste their time

[Evelyn Tentions]

33 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

I did an interview with o2 for an assistant manager job. Having experience I know that sometimes "head office " force you to advertise a job when you already know who's getting the job and they're internal

Didn't get the job and I did a very good interview (done good  done bad) asked for feedback. Apparently I didn't use the STAR method (I did for every question) and yellow was distracting on my PowerPoint presentation. 

Should give management the chance to hire who they want rather than opening it up rather than fob people off and waste their time

Tendering to supply stuff is often the same, especially with expensive stuff in the scientific technology line. The purchaser has already decided which they want and writes the specifications so as to eliminate the competition.

[Section_31]

48 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

I did an interview with o2 for an assistant manager job. Having experience I know that sometimes "head office " force you to advertise a job when you already know who's getting the job and they're internal

Didn't get the job and I did a very good interview (done good  done bad) asked for feedback. Apparently I didn't use the STAR method (I did for every question) and yellow was distracting on my PowerPoint presentation. 

Should give management the chance to hire who they want rather than opening it up rather than fob people off and waste their time

Yeah same in any industry sadly. There was a golden boy at the echo years back, he might still be there, and every now and then they'd literally invent a job for him but advertise it. Was at one of their satellite rags at the time, once they advertised a job at 4pm on Friday with a closing date of Monday. Me and my mate looked at it and started laughing then went the pub. Needless to say said lad got the job.

[Remmie]

On 18/03/2021 at 22:35, suzy said:

I’ve been working from home for nearly a year now. I have my actual PC from work which I took home with me including two monitors.

I do admin for the NHS, bloody hell the IT is shit. Tried to logon this morning and found they’d changed the way we log in, surprise surprise I couldn’t get in.

 

Phoned my manager to give her the heads up and that I would be phoning IT and likely starting a bit late. She had the impression this new sign on  was for people working on laptops not PC’s.

 

In the end I got in an hour late, I had to download an authentication app and then scan a PR code!! I couldn’t believe it! What if I didn’t have a smart phone?! My two colleagues who also work from home and were starting an hour and an hour and a half later than me - both took an hour to get on! What a bloody joke, can’t wait til tomorrow as looks like we have to type in this ‘one time passcode’ every day - argh!!
 

I do IT support and am usually the fucker who has to sort that out with the same amount of notice and training you've had, all day everyday. 

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

11 hours ago, Mook said:

'Work smarter' is my new pet hate.

 

Our work have taken on a huge new client so we're on 240% of the amount of work we had a year ago & they've added one extra person to the team so at the moment, we are completely overwhelmed with work. The team project manager decided to use our meeting this morning to have a pop at us plebs & tell us we need to 'work smarter'. Unfortunately this doesn't actually doesn't mean anything other than some nice sounding corporate bullshit. He mentioned it about 10 times during the call as well.

 

I didn't bother pointing out that I've done 32hrs of overtime in the last month & while this fat cunt has done fuck all. That could well be coming though.

 

At least he's not trying to bum you.

[Section_31]

13 hours ago, Mook said:

'Work smarter' is my new pet hate.

 

Our work have taken on a huge new client so we're on 240% of the amount of work we had a year ago & they've added one extra person to the team so at the moment, we are completely overwhelmed with work. The team project manager decided to use our meeting this morning to have a pop at us plebs & tell us we need to 'work smarter'. Unfortunately this doesn't actually doesn't mean anything other than some nice sounding corporate bullshit. He mentioned it about 10 times during the call as well.

 

I didn't bother pointing out that I've done 32hrs of overtime in the last month & while this fat cunt has done fuck all. That could well be coming though.

We used to get, "don't be afraid to fail - but fail fast". They said failure meant you were trying new things which was to be encouraged, although if you did fail you'd get bollocked and probably sacked.

 

They introduced something called comparative performance too, where you'd get graded compared to how your peers were performing. The chief exec was from a banking background where you can get away with that, because it's all about money in the win column. But how do you compare a UX designer to a copywriter? So what happened is you were encouraged to try and "stand out", so people would do things like get involved in litter picks or join the company choir (back when all that was trendy), then they'd get bollocked for spending too much time away from their desk.

 

When the deputy MD got laid off (he was a former apprentice contestant who used to wear pants that were too small for him), he went around the entire building shaking hands with everyone, but bizarrely he brought his dad and his 10 year old son and you had to shake hands with them too.

 

The marketing director was some yank who fancied himself as trendy (he'd been called America's best dressed man by maxim or something) and he used to come in on Fridays wearing stuff like black kilts and yellow timberland boots. He'd sign off every email with "make today an OUTSTANDING day."

 

It's quite surreal in those places, they're kind of Orwellian in that everyone knows it's a load of bollocks but can't admit it, double speak and double think. You always have to be on your guard with what you say.

 

In hindsight, it's no coincidence I had not one, but two nervous breakdowns while I was working there.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

17 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

 

It's quite surreal in those places, they're kind of Orwellian in that everyone knows it's a load of bollocks but can't admit it, double speak and double think. You always have to be on your guard with what you say.

 

 

My last performance review had sections where you had to detail where you performance aligned with company values like "achieving excellence" and other such shite. I told my boss it was a pile of wank and answered with one short sentence, which I cant remember verbatim but was essentially "I achieve excellent by continuously improving."

 

Americans, isn't it?

[Section_31]

1 minute ago, Rick Sanchez C-137 said:

 

My last performance review had sections where you had to detail where you performance aligned with company values like "achieving excellence" and other such shite. I told my boss it was a pile of wank and answered with one short sentence, which I cant remember verbatim but was essentially "I achieve excellent by continuously improving."

 

Americans, isn't it?

 

It's weird, 99.99% of the population work so they can pay the bills. There's no shame in that, I don't know why everything has to be dressed up as something it's not. 

 

Why is it not the done thing to be asked why you're there and to reply "because I need a job?". 

 

Linkedin is a fucking nightmare for that type of doublespeak. Most people on there are there because they've been told you sort of have to be, most people hate it, yet they're posting something like "I got to help a client today, that's why I get up in the morning" then someone posts underneath "very inspiring", wheres what both want to really say is that they've got bills to pay and there's a shortage of well paying, public sector jobs these days with adequate pensions schemes.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

7 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

 

It's weird, 99.99% of the population work so they can pay the bills. There's no shame in that, I don't know why everything has to be dressed up as something it's not. 

 

Why is it not the done thing to be asked why you're there and to reply "because I need a job?". 

 

Linkedin is a fucking nightmare for that type of doublespeak. Most people on there are there because they've been told you sort of have to be, most people hate it, yet they're posting something like "I got to help a client today, that's why I get up in the morning" then someone posts underneath "very inspiring", wheres what both want to really say is that they've got bills to pay and there's a shortage of well paying, public sector jobs these days with adequate pensions schemes.

 

I might try posting that on LinkedIn and see what the reaction is.

 

I do like my job, its quite interesting as jobs go, but if I win the euromillions am I coming back to work for a single second? Am I fuck. I wouldn't even go back to the office to drop off my equipment, I'd just paypal them the money to avoid the trip.

[Geoff Woade]

1 hour ago, Section_31 said:

 

It's weird, 99.99% of the population work so they can pay the bills. There's no shame in that, I don't know why everything has to be dressed up as something it's not. 

 

Why is it not the done thing to be asked why you're there and to reply "because I need a job?". 

 

Linkedin is a fucking nightmare for that type of doublespeak. Most people on there are there because they've been told you sort of have to be, most people hate it, yet they're posting something like "I got to help a client today, that's why I get up in the morning" then someone posts underneath "very inspiring", wheres what both want to really say is that they've got bills to pay and there's a shortage of well paying, public sector jobs these days with adequate pensions schemes.

I had a cull of LinkedIn people around the Captain Tom full blown hysteria period. Some of the stuff made me cringe so hard I could quite easily have turned inside out. Someone dared put ‘fuck sake, he only walked round his garden’ and was promptly the victim of some sort of virtual pile on. Wouldn’t surprise me if someone tried to have his job over it.

[Section_31]

3 minutes ago, Geoff Woade said:

I had a cull of LinkedIn people around the Captain Tom full blown hysteria period. Some of the stuff made me cringe so hard I could quite easily have turned inside out. Someone dared put ‘fuck sake, he only walked round his garden’ and was promptly the victim of some sort of virtual pile on. Wouldn’t surprise me if someone tried to have his job over it.

I know it's trendy to knock Linkedin but I can honestly say it sums up everything I hate about modern existence. The Captain Tom stuff is case in point. People advise others (for money) on how to get more Linkedin engagements and I think the modern trend is to tie it to something 'emotive'. So when that woman got killed a few weeks back there was loads of women on mine saying stuff like 'I don't stay in the office on my own and phone people before I leave the building etc etc'. 

 

I just don't understand why or when commerce became so complicated. A butcher shop advertises meat, a bakery sells and advertises bread, you go in there because you want bread, if you don't want bread you don't go in. Commerce is simple stuff, and I don't see what's so hard about admitting you're trying to make a living, this is how you do it, if you don't need said service then fine and if you do, here I am. 

 

In modern businesslands, said baker would feel compelled to go on Linkedin and say: "I came back from the Falklands 30 years ago with Simon Weston's face on my shoulder, it was then  that I realised - a sandwich never hurt anyone. I opened my first bakery that very day. I love knowing my bread makes a difference and to be honest. I'd bake bread for nothing - If I won the Euromillions I'd be in the next day, ovens on, gneading dough." 

 

"Inspirational"

 

"I'm going to show this to my kids. You're on a big success journey." 

[Jose Jones]

No-one actually pays any attention to what anyone posts on LinkedIn though do they? All that is just twats, recruiter twats and marketing twats spouting bollocks at each other. 

Most people just use it to look at the job ads or occasionally message someone they used to work with if they don’t have their number or email address.

[Mook]

2 minutes ago, Jose Jones said:

No-one actually pays any attention to what anyone posts on LinkedIn though do they? All that is just twats, recruiter twats and marketing twats spouting bollocks at each other. 

Most people just use it to look at the job ads or occasionally message someone they used to work with if they don’t have their number or email address.

That's sound cunts you're thinking of.

 

There are plenty of non-sound cunts who will see it as some sort of work/Facebook hybrid utopia.

[Razoray]

I know middle management gets a bad rap - I'm a middle manager - but like everything else it's the people in those positions that give it this name.

I have peers who constantly consider how every decision affects them personally before acting and communicating. Telling lies, covering themselves, altering metrics etc. to make their team and by extension, them look better. 

It isn't long before they are found out and they lose the respect of their team but also their manager. Not being respected must make a difficult enough job virtually impossible.

It's not fucking rocket science. Do a good day's work. Expect the same (and no more) from your team. Reward or recognise anything over and above that, without being condescending obviously. Treat them with respect, always be (tactfully) honest with everyone and accept that you are as good as you are. If you need to lie and spoof to get ahead that's what you are, a spoofer. 

I am out of work sick for a little while (I'll be fine) and my team did a whip-around last week and I received a gift in the post yesterday. It reminded me that not being a cunt is appreciated.