Definitely true things you've heard about Footballers

[alles ist gut]

If you tickle his fish though, he's not a happy bunny.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

Michael Owen can mimic any accent except his own.

[Dr Nowt]

Ramires came out of the womb walking and has never stood still for even a second ever since.

[Trumo]

Garth Crooks has a phobia about Hall Of Mirrors because he feels they might make him look normal.

[Dr Nowt]

Wayne Rooney has two silver fingers on each hand.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

Iago Aspas unusually narrow shoulders are the result of an accident he had as a child testing a Bond villains slow closing walls.

[Dr Nowt]

Phil Jones lives in the attic of his parents' home. There are spiders in there.

[ZonkoVille77]

Rio Ferdinand is the world's first Human/Camel hybrid as witnessed by his extraordinarily huge nostils and the forever lingering smell of shit that surrounds him.

He uses this to his advantage when going on holidays in Saudi Arabia where he mates with the local men and local camels.

[El Rojo]

Lee Cattermole's real name is Lee Smith. He changed his name by deed poll at age seven to that of his favourite animal, but couldn't decide which that actually was.

[rEddie]

Tom cleverley masquerades as a footballer. Fooled 'ole whisky nose.

[xerxes]

Der Hammer did not earn his nickname from an ability to hit the ball hard.

[Dr Nowt]

When Jack Wilshere looks in the mirror he sees a normal sized adult male, without a mouth that looks like it should have water coming out of it into a fucking pond.

[mattyq]

Neil Pointon, lately of Everton, City and Oldham and often referred to as Dissa spent his formative years in a Wigwam and could ride a horse before he could speak

His family traded buffalo meat for shiny trinkets and cheap whiskey

[Harry Squatter]

Jermaine Defoe loves smashing same heads and binning them when they start doing his head in or demanding his credit card to go on massive shopping sprees. Now he is moving to Canada and won't be famous there he is paying DHL to post 5 a month to him in Toronto. He has it written into his contract that his club will pay the return shipping fee once he is bored with any of them.

[Dr Nowt]

Jon Obi Mikel has more genes in common with crabs than he does with you and me.

 

Now that is scientific fact. There's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

[manwiththestick]

Ken Monkau and Francis Benali were both awarded contracts at Southampton when David Gold recommended them to Laurie Mcmenemy after watching them play keepy uppy tennis during a break in a porn shoot.

[Reckoner]

Georgios Samaras used to play guitarist Jonny Greenwood in a Radiohead tribute band. He had to give it up due to the demands of Europa league football each Thursday and also because he 'can't really play the guitar....apart from a bit of wonderwall'. His legal dispute with the jarg Thom Yorke reputedly cost him in excess of £73.

[Trumo]

Sunderland winger Adam Johnson doesn't understand it when strangers shout 'Bazinga!" at him.

[Trumo]

Ravel Morrison once had a cameo role as a country squire in Downton Abbey.

[Trumo]

Arsene Wenger is partial to Cheeky Vimtos.

[Trumo]

Peter Odemwingie's real name is actually Peter Odem. He changed it because he so happens to drink a gallon of Red Bull every week.

[alles ist gut]

Phil Jones subsists entirely on a diet of Play-Doh.

[Tony Moanero]

Turd.

[Barzini]

Daley Blind is actually blind and plays football using echo location taught to him by a friendly family of pippistrelle bats in Utrecht.

[scudger99]

So he's a load of guano then ?